When Will Hope and Faith Pay Off

Is Anyone Still Out There??

2010-09-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well, let me start by saying that my last blog post just goes to show that just because you are sure your life is headed in one direction, it just doesn't seem to end up going that way!! The last time I wrote it was just over a year ago and C. and I were about to pick up our lives in FL and move back home to Upstate NY.......and we did......and thats pretty much where life veered off in its own direction....far away from the plans I were certain would be.

We got settled up in NY last fall, and were happy as could be to be back in the great northeast. We were a lot less stressed and so proud of ourselves for making the big move to come back "home". We somehow, by some miracle, managed to get PG on our own in Oct. of last year and I found out when that beautiful digital PG test said "PREGNANT"!!! I ran out and bought a tiny little Winnie the pooh bib for C. and gave it to him with the digital test when he got home that day...... we were thrilled of course, but very very cautious..... we'd been down that road before and learned our lesson to not count our eggs before they hatch! We hemmed and hawed and decided to share our happy news with our parents only....we didn't even tell our brothers. We had learned from our first m/c that while it is absolutely thrilling to be able to share your happy news with family and close friends, it is beyond heartbreaking to have to break bad news to them all (over and over again) if things don't turn out right. This pregnancy was very different from my first, in that I didn't have a drop of spotting whatsoever and by the second week we knew, I actually started to breath a little bit......perhaps that was my mistake! I was beyond thankful for the gift we had been given and I decided that it was time for me to start going back to church and get back in touch with my faith. I went to a new catholic church in my area, and it felt good to be back there.... I was actually almost moved to tears several times during mass, mostly due to my overwhelming sense of thankfulness.

Two days later, I began to spot after having some horrible cramps out of nowhere.....my heart instantly sank and I knew it was bad and it was going to be over. By the next morning, I awoke at 5 am to go to the bathroom and was gushing blood. I sat and sobbed by myself in the bathroom for I don't know how long.......then finally made it back to bed, to find C. awake...... inbetween sobs I told him it was over....AGAIN..... and just didn't know how much more I could take as a failure at being PG. We supported each other and again made it through our loss, though it was no easier than the first time around. After trying to heal and attempting to get on with life, I again came to the junction I have been at many other times in my life....questioning my faith. It seems to me that everytime I have turned to G.od to be thankful and look for support, I seem to be let down time and again. I know I have written many times about this previously and will not get on a soapbox about it, I just don't seem to understand why my faith is so cyclic and why over the last 16 years I've gone back and forth wondering if the big guy in the sky is really on my side...... I still don't know.........

Anyhow....... I believe in my last post I was sure that C. and I would quickly land jobs with IF coverage (d/t the NY State Mandates for IF coverage). Well.......that didn't happen until April of 2010. We both started working for the same company in my small little hometown and were thrilled to find out that we did indeed have IF coverage (for diagnostics, IUI's and MEDS!!!!!) However, with my new job came some insane hours ---for the entire summer! I ended up working nearly 60 hours every single week from April until the end of August which of course meant there wasn't a single free day to get to see a new RE in my area. So, my point in how this post started out, is that I was sure we'd have IF coverage and be back in the game by the start of 2010, and as it has turned out, I just FINALLY got in for a consult with a new RE up here last week (Sept. 2010)!!!

One of the downsides to living in the boonies of upstate NY is that the closest RE to me is 90 mins away!!! Yep...90 mins!!! That being said, I already really like my new RE's office. Our initial consult was with my RE's PA who was very very knowledgable. And while she already had all 70 pages of my past records and knew we had already been through a lot with our IF battle, she still took the time to very thoroughly explain a lot about PCOS and we talked in detail about doing a RPL (repeat loss panel) to see if there may be some reason that I've had multiple miscarriages. We also decided that we will be checking a slew of labs (in addition to the RPL), I will go back to see the PA next week for an annual exam since I am overdue (she was awesome and offered to do the annual so that cycling wouldn't be delayed by trying to find a new GYN in my area and waiting to get in to see them which could take a month or two). I will go in for an U/S on CD 3 when good old AF arrives, followed by an SHG after that, and will then meet with the actual Doctor on Nov. 4th to review all my labs/tests and establish a plan. The PA and I are in complete agreement that injectibles are the way to go with IUI and we will most likely stick with Bravelle and Ovidrel again as in past cycles as it is what worked well for me. I was also pleased to learn that they do put every patient on Progesterone Support after IUI (etc). This pleased me so much because I have always felt as though maybe that was something lacking in my to failed PG's and both my RE's in FL always were insistant that I didn't need to be on any kind of Progesterone....

So, all in all C. and I left the new RE's feeling very positive. Even C. mentioned that it was really nice to have the PA and the nurse explain things in such detail and not rush us through our appointment. I honestly frequently felt that I didn't always recieve the best care in FL from my RE's since I wasn't an IVF patient. NOW....don't misunderstand me, I feel that anyone who has to endure IVF deserves a tremendous amount of attention and care.... I just don't feel its appropriate for some Dr's to make patients who are doing TI or IUI's feel like they are less important because they aren't shelling out $15K.

If your still reading, thank you and sorry for the exteme length of this entry but since I have been MIA from my blog for a year, I felt it only right that I catch back up to present day. As exciting as it is to be "back in the game" it of course is as equally scary. I'm really kinda out of the IF routine of daily injections and multiple dates with the vag cam in a month but I know it is just like riding a bike...... I'm back on and ready to glide back into things on our journey to become parents.

If you are blogging and would like to share your link please leave me a comment...I'm always interested in finding new blogs to follow. I wish anyone who is reading the best in their journey as well. IF stinks and its a horrible thing to have to deal with....its good to know there are others out there sharing the same dreams and journey that you are.

Update....New York Here We Come!!

2009-09-03T05:11:00.000-07:00

Let me first start by apologizing AGAIN to those that follow my blog, as I've continued to be a blog slacker!! I promise it will get better, and very soon at that!!

Everything is in motion...........Finally!!! After many many months of deliberating and hemming and hawing and a lot of planning, we are finally ready to move back to the great northeast!!! Upstate NY here we come! Our entire house is packed up (for the most part), we pick up a U-haul on Sunday 9/6 and will spend Sunday and Monday packing it up and will start our journey north on Tuesday morning bright and early.
We are so excited and thrilled to go-- for the most part anyways...... I am heartbroken about leaving my mom here in FL. She is young though and healthy Thank God and is very very encouraging, just like a good mom should be, and she is thrilled we are getting to move back north. My mom and her Boyfriend are not very happy here in FL either and I anticipate that within a year or so, they will move out of FL too, perhaps to one of the Carolinas, which is great, the closer the better. I am an emotional basketcase when it comes to leaving my mom. I cry everytime I think about it, I cry when I see her and think about not being 5 minutes from here. I guess even at 37 years old, I can't seem to really cut the apron strings. I have said all my life that if I can ever be half the mom my mother is to my child, I'd be the luckiest girl in the world. (However we just can't seem to get there with having a child! Hopefully that will change when we get up to NY and I get a new RE and get crackin' with our treatments again, which I am desperately anxious to do!!)

I must say it is bittersweet to be packing up our life here though. We've lived in this house for 7 years, and owned it for the last 2 years. We took it from something okay and made it our home. We put so much blood sweat and tears into making it our home. We painted every single room in this house (some even have been painted twice). I spent 25 hours doing a faux finish on my kitchen and dining room to make it look like a tuscan/wine themed little slice of heaven (yes you read that right .....25 hours doing Frottage with balls of saran wrap). We spent endless hours ripping out tons of overgrown landscaping and planning and putting in all new stuff. We changed every light fixture in this house (a couple of which aren't paid off yet on the Home Depot card), spent hours diliberating on the perfect color to paint the living room to match the new furniture we'd bought, and when I painted the color on the wall, it looked like prison cell gray, so we bought 2 new gallons of paint in a different color..... its going to be a little hard to leave behind years of hard work and pride. We absolutely HATE our dirtbag neighbors and cannot wait to leave this neighborhood behind. C. and I said we are going to have a grand parade down our street the morning we leave (which will be at 5 am) and we are going to lay on the car and uhaul horns to wake up all the dirtbags!! Believe me, it would be sweet payback for all the shit the assholes on our street have put us through over the years!!

I guess thats beauty of moving on for a new start. Along with great memories, we will be leaving behind some bad memories as well. Like our painful journey through Infertility and through our Miscarriage. Perhaps a new start in our old stomping grounds (we were both raised in Upstate NY), back in a slower pace of life around a lot more of our friends etc, things will make a big turn around for us and we'll know the move we made was the best decision for us.

Well, I suppose I should wrap this up and get some more packing done around here. Tuesday will be here before we know it!! So, my next entry should be from the great state of New York and I can't wait to be in a New York State of Mind!!!

In Honor

2009-07-26T19:30:00.001-07:00

Let me start by saying I've been a horrible slacker at blogging. So if you follow and have been checking in here, I apologize for my slackerness (I'm sure thats not a word but it sounds good). Things --and by things I mean life-- has been crazy around here. We currently live in FL and are actually planning to move back to the small little mountain town I grew up in up in Upstate NY, most likely within the next two months at the latest. We've listed our house on the market, and have had some interest, despite the fact that the market stinks. So, we are keeping our fingers and everything else we can cross crossed in hopes that we will soon be New Yorkers once again, and I'll be blogging from the comfort of my deck in NY looking out at the mountains and a whole lot of natural beauty.

I don't really have any TTC news as we've put that on hold for the next few months as money is a bit tight while we save to move, plus we are both super stressed out so not the best time to try to press through another IUI (next up will be # 3 .... Ugh!) So thats all there is to say about TTC for now. As soon as we are back on track and trying, my blog will make a turn back to TTC. I am a bit nervous about finding a new RE up in NY, as I fear the closest ones to where we'll be living will be over an hour away, but I'm used to having to travel a bit to get anywhere from where we will be living.

So on to the other big reason for posting tonights blog. Today is the 15 year Anniversary of my dad passing away. My dad died far too young, only 48 years old of a major heart attack. I was only 22 years old. I miss him as much today as I did 15 years ago. I don't really have anyone to talk about how difficult loosing him was as none of my friends or C. have ever experienced the loss of a parent, so they really don't get it. They offer support and hugs, but it really is hard not having anyone to talk it out with who really gets it or has been there. I won't go on and on about it, I just feel the need to get it down on virtual paper atleast, so I don't keep it all in.

My dad was a really great man. A dedicated hard working family man. He and my mom were married 28 years when he passed away. He took care of all of us very well, and we all knew how much he loved us. I have a lot of great memories of him that I will carry with me always. I came across this nice poem that made me think of my dad, so I will close this post with it.

To my dad, I just want to say, I love you very much and I hope and pray everyday that you are at peace and that although you didn't get to experience so much of our lives here on earth, I take comfort every single day knowing you are taking wonderful care of the baby we lost, your grandchild, up there with you in Heaven.

We thought of you with love today
But that is nothing new,
We thought about you yesterday
And days before that too.
We think of you in silence
We often speak your name,
Now all we have are memories
And your picture in a frame.
Some may think you are forgotten
Though on earth you are no more,
But in our memory you are with us
As you always were before.
A million times we've thought of you
A million times we've cried,
If loving could have saved you
You would have never died.
You left us beautiful memories
Your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you
You are always at our side.
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you did not go alone,
Part of us went with you
On the day God called you home
.Forgive me Lord,
I'll always weep
For the best father I loved,
but could not keep

I've Joined the 30 Day Shred Fanatics.......

2009-06-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

Well, since we seem to be in a holding pattern with TTC thanks to the crappy economy and a super long crappy streak of bad luck that just won't blow past C. and I, I asked C. to get me the 30 Day Shred DVD for my Birthday last month, since so many people have been raving about it.

This morning was Day 1 of "the Shred". It actually wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, although that Jillian chick is rather hard core. I actually kept up for the whole 20 mins which surprised me slightly since I've been slacking with going to the gym and haven't gone in a few months.

I will admit, however, that I do have a habit of swearing at the TV during exercise videos, and I did call Jillian a whore at about the 7 minute mark and I called her the Devil at about the 14 minute mark.........sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get through the exercise right?

So in lieu of my TTTC woes, for the time being I'll fill my blog with my trial and tribulations of the 30 Day Shred. I wonder how many more names I'll call Jillian in the next 29 days............

Regrets........

2009-05-31T18:11:00.000-07:00

I was standing in the kitchen today doing dishes, and because I hate to do them, my mind always wanders to other things. My mind also always wanders every time I stand at the sink because it looks out at my angel garden statue and roses (the ones in the post below this).So today my mind wandered in part because a friend who I haven't been in touch with in a while found me on Fa.cebook. (she was more than just a friend honestly, she was my MOH in my wedding and we kind of just lost touch after my wedding in part that she lives 1500 miles away). So, I was thinking about that, which led me to thinking and wondering if I had never moved to Fl and stayed in NY, would things be different from the way things really are. NY has mandated fertility coverage, which I kick myself for almost daily, since I spent all my years as an adult in NY working in healthcare with top notch health benefits, and I never even knew I had any kind of coverage (not that I was in need of it back then but still). Now in writing this, I certainly don't mean I wonder about not being with my dh, thats not what I'm getting at.

What I'm getting at is the fact that if I had stayed up there, where I had better IF benefits coverage, how many children would I have by now!? How much shorter could have/would have my IF journey been?

And speaking of regrets, one of my biggest regrets that seems to haunt me quite often is the fact that I think I knew I had "girlie" problems for a long time, but never did anything about it. I always had weird/long/missed periods, and I never ever got PG (although I did have a couple "maybe I'm PG" moments along the way) with any of the boyfriends I had. I never took BCP's and my BF's very rarely used protection (I was always in a monogomous relationship when there was no protection). So, of course I think to myself, had I done the right thing back in my 20's and looked into the matter more, could some of my IF journey have been avoided or atleast lessened ?

I still blame myself for the fact that we don't have a child. I am the one who is broken, who needs to stick herself in the belly with needles and get poked and prodded multiple times a month with a Vag-Cam etc. I blame me for not taking better care of myself in the past...........

Had I done so, I wonder if my life now would be a lot different than it is. I try not to live my life with much regret. I generally look at things that don't go my way and try to find a lesson in what went wrong, learn from it, and move on knowing I won't make that same mistake again. But this is something I can't really learn from and not do again...........I guess all I can do is remain hopeful and keep believing that someday C. and I will be parents to a little one that is destined to bring joy and happiness and love to our lives.

An Epiphany of Sorts?

2009-04-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

Yep, an epiphany. I was looking out my kitchen window today, and noticed my bird bath had tipped over in the wind last night (not really sure how as it is a cement bird bath, but nevertheless it fell over). I also noticed some beautifully blooming roses in my garden where the bird bath is. This garden is my "Angel Baby Garden". After I M/C'd, my family (aunts and cousins) sent me the beautiful garden angel statue you see in the picture above. Last May, I created my garden with the garden angel as the focal point, but spend hours upon hours selecting plants to go in my memorial garden for the little one we lost. I think I spent two hours picking out the perfect rose bushes (the ones you see above). There are a couple posts about it in my blog, probably May 2008, but I am a doofus and don't have a clue how to insert a clicky link here back to it.

So back to today. I was out fixing the bird bath, and trimming back some branches and bushes. When I was done, I stopped to really admire the beauty of the roses that are blooming. I looked at each rose bush carefully and my eyes then darted to all the blooms on each of the bushes. The 3rd picture above has larger roses and the middle picture has smaller tea roses. The larger rose bush has atleast 10 buds on it that will flower when they are ready and the smaller tea rose bush has 50 buds that will bloom!

Thats where my epiphany came to be! I stopped dead in my tracks, my breath caught and the tears started flowing like rain. It was then and there, at that very moment that I realized that we may have lost our little angel, but its spirit lives on in my garden. My baby couldn't survive inside me, but it thrives in the garden that was created in his/her honor. I was so touched and pleased to think that these rose bushes are doing so well, are thriving with help from our angel baby. Perhaps our little angel has come down and spread its spirit and "growing dust" about the garden and helped it grow the way it has. On a cloudy rainy afternoon, it was like someone was shining a bright light right down in front of me and I finally realized something I've been yearning to know for quite some time now.

I don't know if I'm even explaining it properly, but the emotion I felt and still feel from that is at times overwhelming, and my eyes are welling up with tears even as I type this hours later.

I guess after all this time since our loss, just shy of 17 months, this is one of the only times I have ever felt even a slightly positive sign about our loss. It feels good to think there is something a little positive about it, even if it is just something tiny.

Sorry..... Its been a rotten few weeks....

2009-04-01T07:39:00.000-07:00

Its been a really rotten past few weeks, to say the least!! Obviously I'm not PG, or there would have been a HUGE post about that well before now.

Three days before I was supposed to POAS, C. called me 5 mins after he left for work, telling me he had been in a really bad car accident and couldn't breath! I went running from the house and flew the mile and a half to the scene to find him sitting on the curb trying to catch a breath. His car was totalled after a 74 year old woman pulled out right in front of him at an intersection and he couldn't stop in time, and T-boned her. She was ticketed, we spent 10 hours in the ER after he was taken via Ambulance, and after he endured neck and back x-rays, knee and ankle xrays, a CT Scan of the upper body, followed by passing out in x-rays (round 2) and another CT Scan to make sure he didn't have any internal bleeding. Good times....... thank God he is okay....although was very beat up and is still healing now, 3 weeks later.

So fast forward to 12 DPO, where I was toying with POAS with FMU, and I went in to PIAC, wiped and whammo-- AF arrived, making it a lovely 27 day cycle. So on top of dealing with all the stress of C's accident and trying to take care of him, we got slammed with a BFFN on top of it all.

Bad luck you say?? HA!! Wait, I'm not done! After two days of crying about the BFN, we decide that will roll into another cycle (Cycle # 35 for anyone counting) as I've still been off from work due to my work injury. I called and scheduled my CD3 U/S, hop up on the table only to hear MORE great friggin' news...... I had a HUGE cyst on my Left Ovary, and my RE wouldn't allow me to cycle, put me on BCP's and was told call back when AF starts up next month. And of course, I of little strength at that point, started bawling right in the middle of the RE's office, and practically ran out the door to the car, where I proceeded to call C. and give him the bad news, and then I cried the entire 40 minute drive home!

So how is all that for a big old pile of shit ass rotten luck? I swear C. and I have some of the worst luck around by far, we just can't ever seem to catch a break.

I'm honestly so beat down about it all, I just want to once again run away somewhere I don't know anyone and hide away forever. I have slightly "up" days and some "downright shitty" days and some days where I feel like I'm just wandering.

I've really started to consider the adoption route as I don't know how much more of all this I can take emotionally. I'm about to turn 37 in 6 weeks and feel like time really and truly is running out. I got some information in the mail today from Bethany Adoption Agency, but I'm not sure they would be the way to go for us, and it clearly states in their information that you need to make a statement about your strong Christian Faith in your application. I kinda question my ability to do that, after how my faith has been so tried and beaten down throughout our Infertility Journey. I don't know.... I'd like to think that we have a couple more cycles of trying in us atleast, before money runs out (we are certainly in no postion right now to even consider IVF (financially) nor has either of my RE's mentioned the fact that they feel we are a candidate for IVF-- during my last IUI, Dr. S. said, "In my opinion, I think you guys have just had some really bad luck") .

I don't know-- today is just one of those really crappy days for me where I'd like nothing more than to run away and hide and never look back. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.....

One Down, One To Go

2009-03-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

Well, one week down, and one to go in the dreaded 2 WW! Will I test before 14 dpo? I'm betting thats pretty much a given! But not too early, maybe Saturday, 12 dpo, which I'm actually even on the fence about. When I got my BFP, I didn't test positive until 13 dpo and it was so faint, C. told me not to get my hopes up, especially on a PG test that cost $1!! When I had my Chemical Pg back in June after IUI#1, I got a BFP on 13dpo and on 14dpo, and then on 15 dpo, poof, it was gone-- on both $1 cheapies and on a digital.So if I follow history, it would dictate that I should wait until 13 dpo at the earliest to test right? We'll see, but I'm guessing I'll only be able to hold out until 12 dpo...... stay tuned to see what we decide! (Maybe I'll add a poll just for giggles).

I've been having some symptoms, but they could have nothing to do with anything, so I'm not even going to post them as I'm petrified I'll be jinxing myself for sure.

I also in some ways wish that Dr. S. hadn't talked so much about twins when he did my IUI, because since then I haven't been able to get the thought of twins out of my stubborn head! I'll be thrilled and blessed to get PG with one, but of course, as for most of us who have been dealing with IF for any amount of time, generally say that they would LOOOVE to have twins, especially if it means not having to go through anymore IF treatments. Now don't get me wrong, thats not my only reason for wanting twins, but it would solve the future IF battle for sure. C. and I have talked about it, and as much as I have always dreamed of having two children, if we are lucky and blessed enough to have one, I don't know that I could honestly go through all this IF again. Who knows though, I don't know what the future holds and can't say now what I'll feel down the road.

In other news, I am STILL out of work from my work injury. I have been out of work for 9 weeks now and went to see a Neurosurgeon today, who is keeping me out of work for another 4 weeks. Between now and then, I will be doing Cervical Traction which I believe will be just about as exciting as it sounds. It looks as though it will be some sort of weighted contraption that will pull up on my head and neck to hopefully get my two protruding discs in my neck to get back in alignment. Sounds like lots of good times doesn't it!?

I guess thats about all for now. Stay tuned and be sure to vote on my poll when I should test!!!

IUI # 2 Complete..... and Now the 2WW begins!!

2009-03-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

Well, IUI# 2 is complete!
It was actually a really good and positive experience. I was up and in the shower at 5:45 am (it takes me forever to shower and get ready even though I'm low maintainance), I woke C. up at 6:30 am so he could ahem *take care of business*. To avoid any extra pressure on C. I actually left the house and drove up a couple blocks to sit so he'd have the house to himself and no distractions while he did his business (yes, I felt a little silly, but better to give him peace and solitude and have fresh swimmers than have to use the frozen sample on reserve). He called me just after 7, ready with Package in hand, I flew back to the house and grabbed it and ran. Last time I transported, we put it in an insulated cooler with a warm towel and it was fine, however it was actually a chilly morning here in Florida (it was in the low 40's this morning) so I decided to do the cup stash in my bra for the 35 minute ride to the RE and let me say, by the time I got to the parking lot of my RE, I was dying to get that hard plastic cup out of my bra-- it was digging into me (and the underwires weren't helping matters!

I dropped the "package" at the desk when I checked in, and sat and waited in the lobby for Go-Time. It was amusing to say the least! One guy totally fell sound asleep while his wife was in the back office. I mean LOUD snoring, groaning etc. Guess it was too early for him (it was a little after 8 am by that time). It was so loud actually that I couldn't hear the big plasma TV hanging on the wall. Then another guy came in and checked in and went to the bathroom in the lobby. I swear he was in there atleast 15 mins. There was all sorts of commotion going on in there, and I swear at one point it sounded like he was plunging the toilet. I can only imagine he took a big pooper something. After he finally surfaced from the bathroom, the guy sitting across from the bathroom jumped up and closed the door. I kept texting dh with all that was happening in the lobby-- I swear I could right a book! I had all I could do to not laugh right out loud at all of it!

So, anyhow, on to the important IUI details!! I knew by my appointment card from last week, that I was going to see Dr.S. today instead of Dr. Z (I think Dr. Z was down in a different office)so I was a bit apprehensive about him doing my IUI since I'd never even met him. I got back to the room and changed and was sitting on the table waiting. I heard noise outside the door, and then I heard this goofy sinister laugh, a knock on the door and in comes Dr. S. with a nurse and a student "observing", who thankfully never moved far enough into the room for a full money shot.

Dr. S. walked in and said "Hello Dear" (mind you he's only in his mid 40's). I said "um....that was an awefully sinister laugh you let out considering what you are coming in here to do!" We both laughed and he said "Well, I'm Dr. S and I'm the guy who's here to get your PG this morning" and followed it up with another sinister laugh. I told him that sounded mighty good to me! Then he jokingly said, "So-- how bout we shoot for Octuplets? Are you up for it??" I told him I'm adventurous but not nearly that adventurous! We talked briefly about what a jerkwad the Octo RE was and how irresponsible he was.

Then Dr. S. looked in my chart again before doing the IUI and said, "well with your follie count ( I had 3-4 very close follies on my right ovary) and Sperm count, how about we get you PG with twins instead?" Of course just the mere thought of that had me estatic, and I beamed "Yes!!! PLEASE!!!! I assumed the position, and thank heavens Dr. S was sooooo gentle, nothing pinched, nothing hurt, he was awesome and kept the talk light to take my mind off what he was doing. When he was just about done, he said, "your husbands sperm count was great-- 40 million post wash!!!" I said, "well thats great right?" and Dr. S. said "uh-- yeah-- thats double what you even need in there-- but since we're trying to make twins, we're gonna use it all."

After he was done, he had me get comfy on the table where he wanted me to lay for like 15 mins post IUI. Before he left the room I asked him about Progesterone supp's during the 2WW (and explained why I thought I might benefit because of the M/C and CP in the past) He told me he didn't really feel I needed supplementation based on my labs, and the fact that I had 3-4 follies and he believed atleast 2-3 of them would release, and then release Progesterone, so he felt no need to put me on Progesterone. He did tell me that if for some reason this cycle doesn't work there may be a few things he'd consider tweaking in my treatment plan, however, he feels that neither C. or I have any major problems, just that we've had a bad run of luck up til now.

Before leaving the room, he said, "Okay- call us in two weeks when you get a Postive Home test, we'll have you come in for some labwork and then two weeks after that we'll have you come in for your first U/S to see your TWINS!!!!"

He must have said "TWINS" like six times in the few minutes he was in the room with me. He was so postive and had such a great bedside manner that I'm actually glad he did my IUI today.

I laid on the table for like 15 mins with my Ipod after they all left the room. It is always such an emotional experience for me and I can't decide if it would be easier or not if C. was able to have been with me for either of them. Once everyone leaves the room, both times we've done IUI, I lay on the table and start crying. This time was a little bit easier than last time, but it was still tough. I think I just want this so badly and am really hoping and praying beyond hope that this will finally be our turn. I beam with joy and happiness at the mere thought of twins, but will be completely thrilled with even just one.

So, thats my IUI adventure. Now the glorious 2WW begins. So stay tuned for my many overanalyzations of every little twinge, tweak and cramp I get.

If you have any spare Baby Dust or a spare prayer or two, I'd certainly appreciate you sending a little my way. I'll take any and all help I can get.

IUI#2 is set for Monday!

2009-02-27T07:01:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like this cycle has shaped up pretty well so far. I went back for another date with the Vag-cam (aka U/S) on Wednesday, and my follies were growing well still. I didn't get much number-wise besides the lead follie was at 13 mm and I had two more on the right Ovary that were right behind the 13 (of course, my lazy Leftie ovary follie pooped out), but I am thrilled to have 3 good growing follies on my Right!!!! Usually I just have one strong follie and the others fall behind, so hopefully we'll get lucky and a couple eggs will release, thus increasing our chances!

Since Monday, I have bumped up my Bravelle dose to 225 iu a night, and that seems to have helped as well. I have one more night to take the Bravelle tonight and will be done with that. This month I am using Novarel instead of Ovidrel, and here's where I get NERVOUS!!! Novarel has to be given IM in my butt...... which means I can't do it myself.......which means C. has to do it for me!! I'm freaking out!!! I can handle doing my own shots, its not a big deal at all to me. But C. is a tad bit skiddish about doing the shot in my butt, and its NOT a small needle by any means, and he had to give me a shot in my butt one other time, and it was not pretty, and I think I have a bit of anxiety about it all these years later. I think it wouldn't bother me as much, if C. didn't make faces when he thinks about having to do the shot. His eyes get real big, and he wipes his brow, and says "whew" and shakes his head. Not relieving my anxiety at all!!!
We'll get through it, just like we always do!

IUI #2 is scheduled for 9 am Monday Morning (I have to be there at 8 am with C's stuff). The only bummer I'm worried a bit about, is that my appt card says Dr. S (Dr.Z's partner), so I'm thinking its not going to be Dr. Z. doing my IUI. I really like Dr. Z and have never met Dr. S. Dr. Z was so gentle the last IUI, I barely knew he was doing anything and he has a great sense of humor and is pretty mellow, and that keeps me calm and comforted. Hopefully Dr. S. will be as gentle and as kind. I can't let this stress me out, it is what it is, and there isn't anything I can do to change it at this point. I'm sure everything will be fine with Dr. S.

Hopefully this will be our cycle and we'll be on our way to parenthood. (it seems I write this, or something similar every cycle), and it generally hasn't worked out the way we wanted, but its a new year and I'm hopeful that this will be it for us!

Stay tuned for my IUI update on Monday and then the crazy 2WW will begin!

CD 8 U/S Follie Check!

2009-02-23T17:13:00.000-08:00

So I went down to my RE's office today for my CD8 Follie check. I haven't been in to see them for a few months, and it was nice to go back in and still see familiar faces, especially the U/S tech. I adore her. She is an older woman who calls me sweetie and is always so positive. She is upbeat, and chatty and is always encouraging.

I have 2 lead follies on my Right Ovary, one is at 9 mm and one is at 8.5 mm and one 8.5 mm on my Left as well. Usually by this point I have one lead and they others are usually pretty far behind, so its encouraging that I have 3 that are all pretty close in size. I, however had a sneaking suspicion that maybe my dose of Bravelle shouldbe bumped up a bit ( I have been doing 150 iu for the last 5 nights) as in previous cycles my follies were a bit bigger on CD 8.

Sure enough my nurse called me this afternoon and Dr. Z. wants me to up my dose to 225iu tonight and tomorrow night and then go back for another U/S on Weds which will be CD10. So between now and then I will be keeping my fingers and toes crossed that these follies keep growing. That being said, IUI # 2 looks to most likely be either Friday or Saturday (my guess is Saturday, but perhaps with the dosage boost, maybe a day sooner?)

On a side note, the Bravelle shots are killing me this cycle. My belly is all bruised. I have 4 bruises, two on each side of my belly button, I told C. he could play connect the dots on my tummy. I'm also bruised from my lab draw today, and just as that one starts to heal, I'll acquire yet another one on Weds.

Side effects from Bravelle this month are not too pretty either. In cycles past, it just made me a bit tired and also made me want to cry at everything and anything. This cycle on Bravelle, I'm having alot of Nausea, fatigue, and I'm soooooo GRUMPY!!!! The littlest thing can set me off and God help whoever may be on the receiving end of it! Its not pretty!!! And of course, I'm so miserably grumpy already, I already warned C. that he might want to tip toe around me the next few days since I have to increase my Bravelle dosage!

It will all totally be worth it when we get our BFP in a few weeks, thats for sure!!!

Back in the Game..... Back Cycling!! (and not on a bike!!)

2009-02-16T18:06:00.000-08:00

Let The Games Begin!

Well, AF arrived today.....so no surprise BFP on a non tx cycle for me! (not that I was really suprised, but it sure would have been nice right?)

Anyhow, C. and I decided we would be jumping back in the game this month and get this baby making ball rolling again. So I called my RE's office this morning, full expecting to have to go see Dr. Z. in the next day or so because its been a few months since I've seen him. The receptionist took the message, and gave it his nurse to go over with him (Dr. Z) and within 30 mins the nurse called me back and told me that Dr. Z was okay with me starting back up with injectibles and didn't need to see me beforehand!!! (One of the things I really like about Dr. Z is that he knows I'm OOP, and doesn't push extra appointments on me, which I am super thankful for.)

So, Weds night (cd3) I will start my injections. I will again be doing 150 iu Bravelle and then go for an U/S to check my follie development on CD 8 on the 23rd. It feels so good to officially be back in the game and cycling again. It gives me renewed hope and makes me feel like we are back on the right track. This will be IUI # 2 we'll be doing, and I am hoping and praying with everything in me that this will be the cycle. We would be thrilled to have a little Turkey Baby.

I've been reading a book called "The Tao of Fertility" and there is a section on some supp's to take, and I've recently started taking them, including Vit. D, L-Arginine, L-Lysine, and of course my Prenatal and folic acid. I've tried taking Fish Oil Capsules twice now, and let me just say that I HATE fish or anything seafood etc. so I believe I have a psychological block and physically cannot get those pills down! First of all, they are huge and secondly, they are like a gel capsule, and they keep getting stuck on my tongue and won't go down, and then I start to panic and end up spitting the capsule back out into the sink. So, I may not be benefiting from the Fish Oil Caps but my garbage disposal sure is!

There is also a section on how to do these 10 meditative moves/positions in sucession, and I can't help but giggle at the thought of doing some of these, but I am going to give them an honest try. One of them has to do with opening a chakra that makes your uterus a healthy environment for a baby....... and of course the illustrated pictures show a nak.ed woman in a rather precarious position laying down to ahem......"open the chakra". I think I'll have to do them while C. is at work, because I can only imagine me doing them and him walking in the room....... He'd laugh his ass off, I'm sure. We'll see...... I'll update after I've tried them!

So, that's where we're at, so it looks like my blog will probably turn back towards my latest IUI journey, instead of all the other stuff I have jammed in here to pass the time during our breaks.

Hopefully luck is on our side and this will all work out the way it should!

My Life List

2009-02-15T08:51:00.001-08:00

I was cleaning up my My.space blog as I really stopped using it, once I started blogging over here. Actually the last posts over there were:
"We're Having a Baby!!" followed by "So, We're Not Having A Baby"
For quite some time I was afraid to erase them as for some reason, (yet again) in my mind I think that by erasing a post, or a stat or a blog etc, that it will somehow erase another little piece of the little I have to hold on to from when I was PG. (if you read my blog, you'll notice this has come up many times before-- its such an odd fear I have it seems to me).

Anyhow, I cleaned up the blogs over there (aka got rid of them) as it seemed kinda sad that those blogs were one of the first things you'd see when you looked at my My.space page. As I went through the rest of them, I came across "My Life List" post.

I created my "My Life List" after two things that inspired me to do so.
The first was about a women on O.prah, I believe, who had died in the
9-11 tragedy, but before doing so had created a "Life List" for herself. Simply put, a list of things you would like to accomplish during your time here on earth.

The second reason I was inspired to do so, was learning that the brother of my best friend, of well, forever it seems, killed his wife and then hung himself leaving three children behind (all in my little hometown where nothing like that EVER happens). It again, reminded me of how fragile life can be and that we need to live each day to the fullest as we don't know what tomorrow will bring (or if we'll see tomorrow for that matter).

So, I created my very own "Life List" back on September 16, 2006. It was pretty neat to revisit that blog, and update it with things that I have actually accomplished since writing that. (of course, I was struggling with Infertility back then too, so in some ways it made me a little sad too, to see that I'm still stuck in the same miserable place in regards to some things on my list as well.)

I thought it might be neat to share that over here, and have it here to refer back to instead of over there where I don't blog anymore.

So Here it goes (it is long, what can I say, I have alot I want to accomplish!!). I will close in saying that if you have some time, and haven't ever thought of creating your own life list, I strongly encourage you to do so. Its nice to look back, especially on days when you feel like you are "stuck" to revisit it and see what you have accomplished since writing it. Even if you don't make it a public list for others to see, do one for yourself where you keep your private thoughts! What are you waiting for??

Here's "My Life List":
My Life List
1. I will carry this list with me…….regardless of where life takes me.
2. To have a baby, or two or three (but will feel eternally blessed with even one) Jan 2009--STILL working on this one!!
3. To be the best wife, friend and companion to my husband Craig **doing this every day!!
4. Visit Italy
5. To be more patient with others-- EVERY DAY, not just occasionally
6. Be committed to leading a healthier lifestyle
7. Learn how to play Acoustic Guitar **Jan 2009--- I bought my first Acoustic and I'm learning how to play!! **
8. Re-establish friendships with friends I haven't been in touch with **Jan 2009-- keeping up with this one thanks to Myspace and Facebook!
9. I will be sure my family knows how much they mean to me
10. Hug and kiss my dogs and cat at least 10 times a day
11. Hug and kiss my Husband at least double that!!!
12. Go back to school
13. Own my own business *Jan 2009-- I finally lauched my jewelry website (http://zencreations.synthasite.com so I'm checking this one off!!
14. Buy a house **Done May 2007!!!**
15. Own a classic mustang convertible
16. Organize all my wedding photo's from table cameras (yes I know I'll be married two years Dec 2006) **Well, they are all labeled in a basket--does that count? **
17. Support Craig in his music ** Feb 2009, hopefully that Yamaha Digital Drumset will be shipped to him soon!!!**
18. Learn to speak Italian fluently
19. Invent something really cool and reap the profits from it I don't think my jewelry line completes this one....or does it? I'm reaping profits...hmmmmm....... (Jan 2009)
20. Be financially comfortable (aka not worry about paying bills)
21. See the Grand Canyon
22. Be on Wheel of Fortune
23. Meet John Mayer and sing a song on stage with him
24. Own a Restaurant with my Husband (he'll manage the back of the house, me the front of the house)
25. Write a book
26. Write a song
27. Learn how to play accustic guitar (**Oops I have this twice-- I must really want to learn!!) LOL **See # 7 above for update!**
28. Always be young at heart no matter how old I am
29. Know that its okay to act a little crazy--it more fun that way!
30. Age is just a number- I won't let it define me!
31. If I'm not PG within the next few months, will start thinking about and looking into adoption. ** Jan 2009-- Well, I'm still not, but we're still trying really hard and will still consider this option should we need to **
32. Visit Hawaii
33. Skydive
34. Make a written list of all our CD's (all 900 of them) just because………..
35. Be better about putting away the laundry
36. Get a 3 stone diamond ring from my husband **Feb 2007 I got a gorgeous 3 stone Diamond Journey Necklace from C. so we're on the right path !! LOL**
37. Own a bed and breakfast up in Vermont
38. If we ever get to retire, live the snowbird life-- summers up North and winters in the south or out west.
39. Never be afraid to try something new.
40. Try to like and eat more veggies (man this is a tough one!!)
41. Appreciate Nature. Take a couple of minutes each day to recognize and appreciate the beauty of things around me. **I do this everyday when I walk outside-- no matter where I am....Florida, NY, VT etc!
42. Travel the US in an RV sea to shining sea…………….and everywhere in between
43. I will always think about my Dad--- atleast twice a day and remember the love and happy memories
44. Get my cardinal/floral tattoo to honor my dad
45. Take 10 minutes EACH DAY and just BREATHE!!!!!!!! Think about the good things in my life and how very fortunate I am to have all the people I do in my life.
46. Be open to different "lifestyles" NOT for me, but for others --maybe tolerant is a better word--- if your lucky enough to find love in another human being, you are truly blessed.
47. Be more compassionate with my husband when he is sick-- (I'm not very good at this one since I work with sick people all day long and listen to their illness problems) **Jan 2009-- yeah--still working on this one too LOL but I think I'm doing a little better?!**
48. Continue to go above and beyond each day at work. My current boss is appreciative and rewarding-- (** I want that value award again this Dec 2006) **I shall not comment on this one-- work isn't the same as it used to be!**
49. Bowl a 220 game-- (when I do this, I will up the score to aim higher!!!) Did It!! I bowled a 234 scratch(with my handicap it was a 270 something). So I will set the new goal at 255 as of Jan 2009!
50. When/if blessed with a child, aim to be half the mother my Mom has been to me, and that child will be the most loved, luckiest child in the world, as I have been thanks to her unselfish love and sacrifice.
51. Learn to do the cha cha, a salsa, swing dance and a waltz with my husband (dance isn't an issue for me-- I've been dancing since I was 3 yrs old!)
52. Try skiing again………. (1st time around wasn't too pretty!)
53. Swear LESS (this will be a forever goal--- however I don't know how attainable-- I've always had a potty mouth) LOL at this one.... I don't know that it will ever change despite how hard I try!!
54. Judge people less…….it takes all kinds to make the world go round.
55. Be a singer (lead or backup) in a band--with my husband playing drums of course!!!
56. Go to a big hippie music festival to get a feel of the life Craig used to lead when following the Dead around. Maybe Bonnaroo in TN next June…… **We're toying with the idea of Bonnaroo 2009....... Phish-- 2 shows..... I'm holding out for Dave Matthews, John Mayer and Jack Johnson to sign on before I get tix!
57. Envy others LESS-- instead use that envy as motivation to improve yourself
58. Be understanding that God has a plan for me……. I may not understand what it is, but I trust that everything that happens in my life happens for a reason……..
59. When Craig and I have a disagreement, will try to "push buttons" less-- IT ALWAYS MAKES THINGS WORSE…………………..ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!
60. Continue to be goofy and make people laugh-- when they laugh they feel good and that makes me feel good………
61. Tell DH I love him every single night before closing my eyes (I ALREADY DO THIS ONE, AND HAVE FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS-- BUT IT'S A GOOD ENOUGH GOAL TO WRITE/KEEP FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED!!) **Jan 2009-- 9 1/2 years and still going strong with this one-- every single night!!
62. Be content with what I HAVE in life. Its probably a whole lot more that a lot of others have.

This is Strange.....

2009-02-11T11:31:00.000-08:00

So I had a Dr's appointment for my neck today (from my work injury) and when the Med. Asst was doing my vitals I noticed two very odd things. 1. Of course they weigh you, why I have no idea when I'm there for a neck injury, but whatever. I was just at this same Dr's office a little over two weeks ago, but today my weight was up like 8 pounds!! WHAT???? Now if AF was about to arrive, I'd be up like 3 pounds at most--thats the norm for me...... so I was luck "Huh--thats weird". 2. When they took my temp it was 99.1 degrees. You'd think not really a big deal, a tiny bit over normal, but the MA brought it to my attention. I said "huh--thats kinda weird as my temp usually runs low-- like in the 97's". (Temping when TTC early on was never useful d/t #1 my low temps and #2 having PCOS. ) I'm not sick so that can't be the higher temp cause...... I also keep having some bouts of nausea, so I'm at a loss..... maybe its all in my head!?

See......... see how my body messes with me? As I said in my previous post, this was a totally unmedicated cycle, so the chances of us getting PG on our own are really so slim. But my body has to keep messing with me and giving me mixed signals about what may lie ahead.

I need one of those remote controls like Adam Sandler had in that movie Click, so I could just fast forward to Saturday and test. (okay-- I fib-- I will probably test on Friday, if I can hold out that long).

Maybe I can take a really looooooooong nap til Friday morning!!

For those reading who are also in the dreaded, horrid 2 WW, best wishes to each of you. It's time we all graduate!!

9 DPO....... Who knows!?

2009-02-09T17:53:00.000-08:00

So I'm 9 dpo today and have no reason to have hope this cycle (#33 by the way) as it has been an unmedicated TI cycle. I don't know why I'd think that after all this time, we'd get lucky enough to have divine intervention from the fertility gods and actually get PG this cycle. But, for some odd reason, I still have hope!??! In some ways it just doesn't make sense to me where I somehow keep managing to pull this hope from, however, I'm so thankful that I do still have that hope. I think back to months' past when I felt like I had absolutely no hope whatsoever, and how bad that felt. It feels good to have hope again (even if I'm 96% sure that this cycle will be a bust).

Maybe I have hope and excitement as we will head back into injectibles this coming cycle (#34) and will be doing IUI# 2. It feels good to be back on track, and "back in the game". I pray that our time will be coming soon.

I have had some odd symptoms this cycle-- on 8 dpo I woke up with really bad nausea , almost to the point that I felt like I was really going to throw up (ya know-- the hot spits in your mouth-- the whole nine yards). I was nauseous on and off all morning long. I also had some really weird cramping and pinching on and off throughout the day in my lower abdomen. Starting on 5 dpo, my right ( . ) was burning (quite like back when I was PG in the past). I've had cramping again today on 9 dpo, but a bit less than yesterday. So we shall see-- I think I will probably test on Thursday or maybe Friday.......

Usually AF shows her ugly ass as soon as I POAS.... it goes something like this:
I pee in a cup, dip the strip, set it on the counter, get crazy nervous, can't bring myself to look at the strip, then I take a peek at the strip, a glance so quick, I can barely see the strip, I wipe ........AND BAM the nasty bitch AF shows herself. Someone should do a study on the corellation between POAS and AF spontaneously starting.

So, thats where I am....... we shall see what later in the week shall bring!
(please O please Fertility Gods-- please let this be "THE" cycle-- there is nothing more that I'd love than to get PG on our own and save us $1K in OOP costs next month on an IUI!!)

"Comes a Time"

2009-02-05T07:03:00.000-08:00

C. and I went to a Dark Star Orchestra concert last week. (they are a Grateful Dead tribute band (the best there is out there) and they play all Dead music, and pick a set list from a played Dead show and play that entire set at their concerts.)
One of the songs they played was not one I was familiar with, but was very touched by it none the less. The song was called "Comes A Time.

Now, I'm pretty sure Jerry Garcia (or whoever actually wrote the song) didn't have IF issues, and I know thats not what the song is about. But as with many songs out there, people can often find a different meaning to a song, or they find a way to relate words of the song to what they may be going through. That is how I felt about this song. I quickly connected with it. After listening to it again, and reading the lyrics several times, I feel it definately is relatable to my IF journey. Check out the lyrics:

Comes a Time by the Grateful Dead

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says "Don't you see?

Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.

"Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,only love can fill.

Been walking all morning went walking all night

I can't see much difference between the dark and light

And I feel the wind And I taste the rain

Never in my mind to cause so much pain.

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says

"Don't you see?Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."

Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,only love can fill.

From day to day just letting it ride.

You get so far away from how it feels inside.

You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,

But the day may come when you can't feel at all.

The words come out like an angry stream.

You hear yourself say things you could never mean.

When you cool down you find your mind.

You got a lot of words you've got to stand behind.

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says

"Don't you see?Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."

Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,only love can fill,

only love can fill, only love can fill.

"Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe"

If that doesn't fit how you feel when faced with IF, I don't know what does.

So I'm not a Rockstar YET......

2009-02-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

So my new guitar arrived mid week last week, and I'm so not a rock star like I thought I would be!! It is so hard learning to play the guitar, way harder than I ever thought it would be!!

Now let me start by saying that I've always been very musically inclined. Growing up I played the clarinet (I know---dorky! but I was like 9 years old) then I switched to Flute and played it from like 5th grade through 11th grade, and played the piccalo as well. I also learned how to play the saxaphone as well somewhere in the middle of all that. Plus my brother is a drummer, and I jumped behind his set whenever I got the chance growing up. So, based on all my music experience in the past, I feel I've got "music in my veins". Every instrument I've played, I've been able to pick it up, listen to songs and play them with ease by ear, without sheet music etc.

Well, this whole guitar thing is a whole other ball of wax entirely!! I feel so awkward and clumsy. I feel like my hands aren't big enough and that for the life of me I'll never be able to go from one cord to another without turning the guitar towards me to see the strings and frets!! I thought I'd pick it up, play a Dave Matthews song, and be able to start strumming along..... HAH!!!!! I can feel it deep down in me that I want to be able to strum right along, and that ain't happenin'. I hear a note in a song, I can duplicate in on the guitar and then when its time to find the next note, its like I'm lost in a forest and can't figure out what direction to go in!!

I know its only been a week,(and two days of that were mass panic because the guitar fell out of tune and I was crazed trying to tune it (I did get an electric tuner) and was having a hard time.

I am happy to report in now though that I have the A cord, the E cord and the G cord down, just don't ask me to go from one to the other smoothly, cause it ain't happening!! LOL. I even bought Guitars for Dummies and I still feel lost.

I'll get the hang of it, I know I will, its just taking ALOT more effort than I thought it would. Damn those talented rock stars for making it look so damn easy on tv and at live concerts!!

In IF news, I am in my 2WW, but because I know my body sucks ass, and toys with me and my emotions and never ever works like it is supposed to, I am in this 2WW with no hopes or anticipation(although I will say I am popping my Bromelain pills for the next 4 days juuuuust in case!! I'm actually really looking forward to AF coming as we'll be jumping back in with a medicated cycle (bravelle and ovidrel) and IUI when she gets here. (this will be IUI#2) so once that ball is rolling, I'm sure I'll be back to my neurotic cycling self!

So thats about all thats happening with me.
Back to the Rockstar dream...............................

And The Winner Is.....

2009-02-01T18:36:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay, I've been a bit of a slacker this week. (actually thats not entirely true, I've had several doctors appointments and alot of jewelry orders to complete and ship out as well).

But, without further delay, I need to announce the winner of the "Hope" bracelet.

Now, let me say that I have had a very difficult time choosing someone to get this bracelet. Every single story that was left touched me deeply, as I know the pain of IF and struggle all too well. I wish I could make enough of them to give one away to each wonderful woman who responded.

So, the winner is Lisa (aka lnle from the TTTC board on the Nest.) I don't have a blog link to hers, and she actually replied to the give away via email, and I don't feel comfortable displaying her note to me without her being okay with it, but I will say Lisa has faced a tough IF journey thus far, and I can only wish that with some new "Hope" dangling from her wrist, it will make her journey just little bit easier for her. Lisa, I will be contacting you to get info from you so the bracelet will be customized to fit you.

Congrats Lisa!!

For anyone else who may still be interested in a "Hope" bracelet, anyone who orders one will be given a discount, please contact me @ zen_creations@hotmail.com prior to ordering from my website, so I can adjust the amount for you prior to order)

Thank you to each of you for sharing your story with me as well as others who read my blog. I wish each and every one of you all the best with your journey, may it end soon and may each of you one day be called mommy very soon.

hugs to all

Giddy with Excitement!!

2009-01-24T17:43:00.000-08:00

No.....I'm not PG!!! I wish I had that wonderful joyous news to spread to all. (although I believe with all my heart that that good news will be coming in the near future. I have to believe that!!!!)

I made a very exciting purchase tonight. I have wanted to learn how to play accoustic guitar for what seems like FOREVER!!!! For the past probably 8 of the 9 1/2 years C. and I have been together, every time a gift giving holiday was coming around (Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries etc) C would always ask me what I wanted.....my reply..... AN ACCOUSTIC GUITAR of course!!!

Well, needless to say I never got one! In C's defense, he is a musician, and his inclination was always to not buy me a cheap guitar that would fall out of tune all the time or that would sound like crap, just to appease me so I'd have my guitar. Other times we'd set gift giving $ limits on our purchases to avoid overspending, so those times were out too.

A few weeks ago, C. and I stopped at a big music store about 30 mins from where we live, where we both walked around drooling (me over all the pretty accoustic guitars and C. over the electronic drum set he's dying to buy). We both walked out empty handed that night knowing we really should save our money for our next IUI cycle.

Fast forward to tonight. I was shopping online and I came across a really great deal on an Ibanez Accoustic Guitar........AND I BOUGHT IT!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm bursting at the seams and can hardly wait for it to arrive (which will hopefully be in a few days, as I believe it will ship from right here in Florida)

Of course, now I'm having the internal battle with myself, and I feel like I should have saved the money and put it towards our next IUI cycle (which will be the end of February), but we do have the money tucked away for our next IUI and I have all the meds I need for the cycle already. Plus we'll be getting our Income tax checks back in the not too distant future, and I always get a really decent return (I have extra money taken out of each paycheck and end up with a bigger return--its like an extra little savings account that I don't even think about). Plus, I should be getting a bonus check in March as well, so I'm not going to keep beating myself up over my purchase.

With all the crappy things I've dealt with over the last 33 cycles of Infertility, I deserve this little bit of joy that this guitar is going to bring me!!!

Stay tuned for the adventures that are sure to come on my way to becoming a Rock Star!!!!!!

Don't forget to check out the post below this one for information on my "Giving Back" project with the free "HOPE" bracelet. I'll be taking entries until Tuesday Jan. 27th, so be sure to read on about it!!

Giving Back.......

2009-01-22T08:02:00.001-08:00

So I've been toying with this idea for about a week now, and I have decided to do it!

Over the last 8 months or so, there have been many people who have been generous enough to share donated meds with me to help me out on our journey and I am so beyond grateful that there have been so many people who have been so gracious to think of others both during their own personal journeys as well as after finding success. So due to their kindness towards me, I feel I needed to find a way to "Pay It Forward".

so in order to do that, I've decided to give something to someone who could use a little hope during their struggles Whether it be someone who needs a little hope and support while they are TTC, struggling with Loss, or an illness.....it's really open to anyone who needs a little hope in there life right now and needs to know they are not alone.

So here is what I am going to do!

I make custom made jewelry as a side business (the link is http://zencreations.synthasite.com/ if your interested in taking a peek)(all the money I make from my wares goes towards our IF treatments (we are out of Pocket for treatments) in trying to achieve our goal of having a family).

I am going to give away a piece of jewelry!!! A handmade, custom-sized Bracelet!! The Bracelet you see at the top of this post ! (it is made with Rose Quartz and Moonstone chips and has a little "hope" charm that dangles from it and it has a toggle clasp)

Here are the rules to be in the running for the giveaway!

1. Leave me a comment after this post. In your comment, tell me of your journey and why having a "Hope" bracelet would help me with your journey. (You can get as involved or non-involved as you want with your details, how much you share is up to you).

2. Be sure I have a way to contact you, incase you are the winner (either with a link in your blog that will take me to your email, or post your email where I can reach you!)

3. I will take entries until Tuesday January 27th and will then go through them all and will pick a winner of the "Hope" bracelet. The winner will be contacted via email, and we will discuss wrist size, etc so that the bracelet is custom made to fit YOU!

Once the entries are complete I will announce the winner here in my blog, so be sure to check back for updates!

Jenn

Today Kicks off ICLW Week!

2009-01-21T12:12:00.000-08:00

If you are here from ICLW, Welcome! (and even if you aren't, Welcome to you too!)

I have joined in this a few times in the past, but somehow I always seemed to have a hard time commenting back to poeple on their blogs. I don't know why. I think maybe its because I feel like I don't know the persons' blog I am reading, and I don't want to say the wrong thing, or say something one would think is too personal or pressing.

So this time, I'm going into it with a different outlook and I've already completed six comments for today on various blogs. Two of those blogs made me cry. I always think to myself that I have it really tough, and that I just can't seem to get many breaks in this life. Then I read the journeys and struggles of others, and am reminded that there are others suffering just as much, if not more than I may be.

I am deeply touched by others' journeys, and I wish none of us had to go through pain or suffering or struggle. My parents always taught me that anything worth having is worth working and fighting for. Each day that goes by, and I get a wee bit older, I really appreciate that more and more. Nothing has ever been handed to me, I've always had to work really hard for the things I have achieved in my life. I am proud of that hard work, and am glad that I have "earned" the things I do have in my life.

I have a very loving, caring family. I have an awesome husband who truly loves me more than anything. I have three fabulous fur babies, who bring me such happiness, that I can't imagine not having them in my life. We have a home and cars and food on our table for us and for my furbabies. We both have secure jobs. I guess the only thing missing, of course is a child. We continue to struggle towards that, but I do believe our time is coming for that. I know in my heart that God does not intend for us to be childless. One way or another, we will be parents.

We swore in a new President yesterday and how exciting is that? I had tears in my eyes seeing so many Americans waving their flags, full of hope and belief in Obama and in our country. It feels good to see our country with some renewed faith that things are going to get better. It has renewed my faith as well.

So, here is looking up. Lets all hope and pray that 2009 is a much better year for all of us!!

My Heart Still Aches!

2009-01-16T12:23:00.000-08:00

So, over on the TTTC board, I kept trying to fix my siggy as part of the code for my M/C siggy kept showing, no matter how I tried to fix it (and of course for some reason, I kept getting more and more nervous that I was somehow going to completly erase the Loss counter, and I guess in my mind I thought that would mean I'd forget how long it'd been since we lost our little one--- I know, I know, we won't ever forget, but as a person dealing with IF and M/C for a long time now, you panic and get crazy about the silliest little things).
So, I created a new counter, loaded the new code into my siggy, and checked a previous post to see if it all worked correctly, and as soon as I saw it, I started bawling!!!!!!!!
My old counter had an angel and a little teddy bear I think, (this proves my neurosis-- I just got rid of the old one and I can't even remember what the graphics were on it, however I was petrified of loosing it). The new one, as you can see above, has an actual little baby on it as the counter marker..... I guess looking at a little bity wee one instead of just a countdown of days was a big smack of reality.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the little one we lost. To this day, for some reason I am still convinced it was a little boy, our little Aiden Richard (Richard after my dad who passed away). My heart aches daily for our little one. If we hadn't suffered a m/c, our little one would be six months old right now!!!
Instead, here I sit, with empty arms, an aching heart and tears rolling down my face in the middle of the afternoon.

I just don't know. I have other things on my mind I want to write about, but I guess I'll save them for another day or another blog and let my angel have this post all to himself.

I love you little one, your footprints are on my heart forever and always.

Common Thread.....

2009-01-05T18:15:00.001-08:00

So I've been a busy bee and I've finally launched my handmade jewelry website!!!! For anyone interested, its:

http://zencreations.synthasite.com/

Anyhow-- one of my pieces that I've just created is called the Common Thread IF bracelet.

Here is a little explanation how the Common Thread bracelet got started, borrowed from Stir-Up Queens Blog (here is a link to that blog-- I'm aweful with making clickable links, so forgive me if it doesn't work: http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html

For anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, struggled with pregnancy, and all things infertile...there is a movement upon us that you might want to join. It's rather simple actually: a discreet ribbon on your right wrist to signal to others that they are not alone in their struggles.Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.In addition, the seeds represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, third-party reproduction, or even choosing to live child-free.

The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I designed this particular "Common Thread" bracelet as a way to pass that "signal" along to others. I feel that this bracelet symbolizes that common thread perfectly while being adorned with two Rose Quartz stones and a Jade Stone centered perfectly on the bracelet.

Rose quartz is a soothing, calming crystal that is known to promote love and healing. It helps to bring clarity to the heart.
Jade encourages practicality, wisdom, mental peace and tolerance of others. They also believe it can rejuvenate during periods of stress, reduce fears, banish negative thoughts and increase a person’s capacity for giving and receiving love. Jade makes a good worry stone and is often used in rosaries.

If you are interested in one, please visit my new website where you can easily order one!!

I'm honestly not looking to make a ton of money off of these Common Thread Bracelets, I actually decided to try to sell them in an effort to help others (and so often I see others looking for them but arent crafty or would rather have the convenience of just buying one already made).

So there is my self promoting post for the day!!! LOL

Good Bye 2008!!

2008-12-31T18:57:00.000-08:00

Well, this will be my last post of 2008 here and I'm gladly sending 2008 off with a swift kick and no love lost.

2008 has really been a pretty sucky rotten year. I don't need to go over all of why it sucked so bad, you could easily read through my blog for the past 11 months and see for yourself just how sucky it has been.

I have some goals for 2009.

I'm vowing to enter into 2009 with renewed hope and faith that this IS the year we WILL be blessed with a Healthy and Lasting Pregnancy.

Until we get our BFP, I will be in the gym working my butt off (hopefully it will really shrink lol) and I will be doing my best to get my body healthy and my mind and heart healed and in a better place.

I also will strive to not let IF beat me. (it kicked my ass pretty bad in 2008 and brought me so far down I couldn't see a way out). I will also not let IF hurt my relationship with C. When its all said and done, we will still always have each other to lean on for love and support.

I don't really have much else to say about 2008 besides it sucked.

To 2009, I can only hope and pray that you will show C. and I some kindness and compassion, and help us through our IF journey, and bless us with what we have been hoping and praying for for such a long time. I also pray that you will bless the women on the TTTC board who also have endured more than anyone should in our common goal to become mothers.

To all who read my blog, I wish each of you a Happy and Healthy 2009 and may all your dreams and wishes come true.

God Bless !

Made it Through The Day.....

2008-12-25T16:46:00.000-08:00

Well...
its Christmas Day... (well its almost over actually). C. and I spent a nice Christmas Day together today. We both slept in a little (well only til 8:45 am, but that is sleeping late for me. We got up, walked the dogs and then opened Christmas gifts. I told myself that I was going to do my best not to cry today. (every Christmas past, I usually have a crying session because I really miss my dad and more recently missing our little Baby G. that is in heaven.) Well, I was doing well on my non-crying mission, until I opened my "biggie" gift from C. He got me a new wedding band !! (My original wedding band (the one that was blessed by the priest when we got married) has diamonds in it, and working in healthcare, I'm constantly using hand sanitizer that is loaded with alcohol and it has started to make the gold get a little funky, so I stopped wearing it so it wouldn't get ruined. My new wedding band is plain and simple, and I adore it. This of course, brings me to the "tears" part. After I opened it, C. said, did you look inside? Its engraved. Inside is engraved with a sweet saying that C. has always put in every card he has ever given me. So of course, I read it, and burst into tears, which of course then made C. start crying because I was crying. C. also got me a beautiful new necklace that has a pendant on it. One side has a beautiful cross, and on the other it says "Faith". It too is lovely and I adore it. I am spoiled by C. and I hope he is as happy with his gifts as I am with mine.

I got a grip after that bout, and was doing dishes in the kitchen and it really started to sink in that 2008 should have been our childs' first Christmas-- our baby should be 5 months old right now and not too far from crawling. Instead we sit with empty arms and aching hearts. So then while cleaning off my desk, I found a little teddy bear ornament I had bought a few days ago for our Christmas tree. (I wanted to do it last year, but couldn't bring myself to do it, as the pain was simply to raw as I had just m/c'd a few weeks before). So, I wrote a special message on the teddy bear ornament and then shared it with C. before hanging it on the tree. It says: "In our Lives for only a short while, but in our Hearts forever" and on the back, it says "Baby G." and "2007" for when baby G was conceived.) I showed it to C. and I started to cry ....AGAIN.... and then he started to cry as well, knowing what this little teddy bear ornament represents. We hugged it out, and finally got a grip, and then came into the living room and picked a special spot on our tree to hand the ornament.

The rest of the morning was quiet, and then in the afternoon, my mom and her bf came for dinner. Nice and low key and enjoyable. So, all in all it was an enjoyable day aside from the few emotional jags we had earlier in the day.

I'm anxious to leave 2008 behind as it was a pretty rough year in many many ways, and I'm hoping and praying that 2009 is going to be a much better one!

To anyone that reads this, I hope and pray that you have/had a very Merry Christmas and I wish each of you the best for a Great 2009!

What is This About?

2008-12-13T18:33:00.000-08:00

Well, we are knee deep into the 2 WW here. As I said in my previous post, we did a medicated cycle with TI. We triggered Sunday night and got to work. Was our timing perfect? Don't think it was as optimal as we'd hoped, but we sure did try. (of course, we found ourselves smack back in the middle of all the stress and struggles that come with TI....... the stress is ridiculous!!!!)

So to the point of the title of the blog.....What is This?? I was working today and ran to the ladies room and had a swipe of brownish spotting. Of course my mind started realing, like WTF?? Of course, every time you see spotting like that, no matter what point you are at in your cycle, you start to freak out thinking AF is on the way at any moment. Throughout the day, I did have a couple more swipes with a light pink tinge to them?!!

Now those of us who are beyond infatuated with every single twinge and sign and symptom, think-- Spotting...... I wonder if it is Implantation? I am extreemly hopeful that is what this freak spotting is...... am I doubtful? Of course I am..... I've been down this road way too many times to not be doubtful. I instantly go with the thought that its just my messed up body doing whatever it wants to do yet again (and messing with my emotions as well). My mind keeps saying that it is too early for implantation.... I am 6 DPO ..... maybe.......maybe not!? I guess we'll know in another week. I guess I'll test on the 21st or 22nd (13 or 14 dpo) and we'll go from there (unless the wicked AF shows her ugly ass before then).

So, that is todays' madness and obsession. Stay tuned for more obsessing coming up!

Made it Through My Meltdown

2008-12-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

Alright, I feel after re-reading my last post, I need to update all that a week later and I am much much better. I guess I just needed to get past that last milestone of sad reminders of what we lost. I made it........ I survived.

Thanksgiving morning, while in my kitchen by myself, getting our turkey ready for the oven, I stood and cried and then cried some more. I got the turkey in, and leashed up my dogs and decided to go for a nice long early morning walk with the pups. There is a really pretty pond down across the street from where we live, and it was so quiet and peaceful, no one was out and about, so my dogs and I enjoyed a nice long walk. One of those nice ones, where they are more than content doing their "doggie" things and you get just get lost in your own thoughts.

I sat on a bench and pondered some thoughts that had been running through my head, and worked through what was making my heart ache. About 45 mins later we headed back home and I felt much much better about things.

C. and I also had a talk, and have decided it was time to get back in the game. I think a huge part of all my doom and gloom has been magnified by the fact that we have been on a break. Don't get me wrong, we BOTH very much needed the break we took. Our hearts were heavy and our emotions were drained. Had we continued on, I don't know that either of us would have ended up in a very good place. So we made the right choice back in July to take a break, and now I believe in my heart that we are once again making the right choice by jumping back in.

We are doing a medicated cycle (Injectibles) however we will be doing TI this month. I just cannot justify doing an OOP IUI cycle with it being December and shelling out the extra money. We had previously talked with both our sides of the family, and with friends that we always exchange gifts with, and we all agreed to cut way back this year on spending (and agreed to not do gifts with some friends at all this year), however I know my immediate family doesn't really do well with "cutting back"--at the time we all think we are cutting back, but then when we sit with piles of gifts in front of us, we again swear that we all did way too much and will have to do better cutting back next year. So I don't feel "okay" with spending $$ on and IUI until after the new year.

I hope and pray we won't have to get to that point. The month we did get PG was a clomid cycle and TI, so we know it has happened in the past, so why not again right?

I don't really know how much I'll blog about this cycle, as sometimes it tends to fuel my madness and obsessing.........we'll see. Maybe not broadcasting every last intimate detail of whats going on with me might do the trick and help us get to our goal....... (that and the fact that I always seem to jinx myself by talking about stuff I should just keep to myself, but in excitement and hopefulness end up sharing with others.)

Anyhow-- that is what is new with me, this week, and I pray that my meltdowns will stay at bay, atleast until my 2 WW starts anyways........

I Can't Breathe

2008-11-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

*** for those who read this, I'm giving you a heads up-- this is gonna be a sad one***

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,
A broken heart, That's still beating......

Exactly one year ago today, I headed to my RE, thrilled to pieces for my 1st U/S
to hear a heartbeat of the little one I was carrying inside me. C. and I nervously
waited for the Dr. and the U/S tech to come in. As soon as the U/S started, I knew
something was wrong. That was the day I found out I was going to M/C. Our angel
had stopped growing and was not in the right place.

I laid on that exam table begging God to please not do this. To please not take my
baby away. All my begging and pleading with Him did no good, as I went home and M/C'd the next day. (the Anniversary of the day I m/c'd is Thanksgiving Day this year).

A year ago, I felt so angry and sad, but mostly just numb. I cried for 5 days straight, wouldn't talk to a single person, except my mother and C. I didn't sleep for days. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

I managed to make it through all the milestone and anniversary dates (my EDD, the anniversary of the day we got our BFP) and survived and thought (well mostly hoped) that I'd get to this day and somehow be okay.

I am not okay.
I can't breathe.

It started on Sunday while shopping with my mother. Walking down a Christmas aisle in Joann's. I started to have a mini panic attack, started to get dizzy, felt like I couldn't breath. I almost started to cry and had to walk away from my mother, as I was embarrassed that I am still such a wreck a year later. I got a grip and my mom didn't catch on, Thank goodness.

I worked on Monday, and the entire day I just felt like I was being suffocated by the gloom and doom of what the next few days would hold. I had to keep biting my lip to not start crying in front of my patients. A co-worker asked if I was okay, all I could do was shake my head no, I started getting teary-eyed, and had to quickly change the subject while I fought off tears.

I managed to survive yesterday a little better. However, today, I am much worse off than the past two days. I stood in my kitchen 30 mins ago, cutting up bread to make homemade stuffing for tomorrow, I started sobbing. I flashed back to last year, when I was PREGNANT and cooking T-giving dinner for 12 people. I was so exhausted, yet thrilled to be doing it, knowing that on T-giving day, we'd all be expressing our thanks for the little gift that was growing inside me.

Now, here I am, one year later, with nothing more than I had a year ago and an empty broken heart and empty arms to add to it. I thought I'd be better by now, that I'd atleast have healed somehow.

I don't think I have. I think all I've learned to do is mask my pain, and to hide the pain from others.

I thought I was stronger than this. Apparently I am not. I am not strong at all, and I'm feeling pretty disappointed in myself for that. I've never let anything beat me, I've always fought back, always determined to come out on top.

THIS is beating me.

For those of you who read this, I apologize for the sadness of my blog, its really the only place I really allow myself to let it all out. I can't find it in me to lay it all out over and over again with C. Its not fair to him to have to hear me go on and on about it. I know he is sad too and is suffering, however he doesn't really talk to me much about it. I think he doesn't talk to me about it, as he is afraid it will make me even more sad than I already am. (I don't think thats possible though).

I think the time has come to talk to someone. Someone who can help me to either learn how to move past this pain, or atleast find ways to cope with it instead of masking it. All I know is its' beating me.

I feel like someone has their hands around my diaphragm and they keep squeezing it tighter and tighter until I feel like I can't even get a breath of air in me.

I think my inner pain is suffocating me.

I don't know much anymore. What I do know, is that I should have a 4 month old baby right now, who should be celebrating its first T-giving with C and I. I should be getting "My first Christmas" pictures taken of my baby to send in Christmas cards to all our family this year.

Instead I sit here, crying my heart out, wishing for what was, and what should be.

Wishing for something I may never have.

Sympathy Symptoms??

2008-11-20T18:19:00.000-08:00

Okay-- I know this makes absolutely no sense at all, but for some reason I think I'm having "sympathy symptoms" from a year ago when I was PG at this time. It sounds absurd, this I know for sure, but I can't help but keep thinking this. I've been having nausea every morning from about 8 am til about noon (thats when my m/s was the worst when I was PG). My nips feel like they are on fire (again, how I felt when pg), I've been falling asleep on the couch at 7:30 at night(again, same as when I was PG) I've been having pinching/twinges down by my ovaries (same as when PG). Are you seeing a connection here? Do I think they are new PG symptoms? NOPE!!! We had poor timing this month, and it was another non-medicated cycle and I'm sure I don't "O" without meds. So I can only think that it is my sad brains' way of messing with me and and sadly clinging to what was a year ago.

Of course, as I previously wrote about, each day the past few weeks, have been filled with "last year at this time I was PG, and I remember feeling "this" and "that" on each day I was PG and happy. I remember all the happy emotions I felt and how tired I was, I even walked into a grocery store the other day, and as I walked by the greeting card aisle, I flashed back to one year ago, when DH and I stood there looking for a card, and I was gagging because something smelled so strong, I couldn't take it and had to leave the store.

What is it about my brain that I just can't seem to let go of these things?? It makes healing and moving on very difficult!!!

With each day that passes, and as I get close to the 1 year anniversary of the day I miscarried and our lives took a sad turn for the worse, I can't help but feel like I really haven't moved on and haven't healed. My heart still aches and feels quite empty. I feel like there will always be this gaping hole from the loss of my angel. It is filled with worry that I will never have a child. (again, of course all of this is compounded by the fact that we are on a break, so I'm feeling an amplified effect).

I wonder if I need to seek some professional help? Are my feelings natural and normal or am I truly having issues moving on? Even more so, do I need to move on? Obviously I can't stay stuck in this rut I feel I am in, but I also know based on my personality and traits, that I will never forget the angel I lost. I will never stop remembering even though we were PG for a rather short time. I will carry that emptiness with me always. When we lost our angel, I feel as though a part of my died too.

I wish some sort of divine intervention would shed some light down upon me and give me the answers I need. I've been driving myself insane for too long now, and feel as though this angst and hurt will never go away.

I don't deal well with loss at all (thats what happens when you dad passes away when you are 22 years old). I myself am not afraid of dying..... I do believe that there is so much more for us to experience when we are done here on earth, so much better stuff waiting. And that all the loved ones we've lost will be there waiting for us when we get there. What I am afraid of, is losing those I love and care about so deeply.

I think is all compounded by the fact that I don't really ever talk to anyone about how I feel. C. and I talk about this here and there, but I just can't bring myself to express my deepest fears and sadness. It seems to me its a big enough burden to carry myself, that I don't need to place any of that burden onto anyone else. I'm not depressed....... I'm very well aware of those S/S, and I don't fit the profile for depression (besides that, I don't feel I need another crutch such as an antidepressant. And I don't need anything to numb my feelings instead of healing them either).

I hate feeling so sad. I guess thats what it really boils down to.

S.A.D.

Deep Thoughts.......by Jack Handy

2008-11-09T17:12:00.000-08:00

** I started this blog with a different title, but then it started going in all different directions so I have retitled it rather appropriately I think!**

And in honor of today's blog title, I will re-start it with a quote from Jack Handy himself.

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

Not for any reason in particular, it just is a better day. I made it through the "anniversary"of the day I got my BFP, and managed to survive it. I actually think the couple days leading up to it were almost harder than the actual day for some reason, but none the less, I made it through yet another sad milestone. Now I guess there is just one left to make it through, the anniversary of the day I m/c'd.

I've said it many times in previous blogs, but it is just so strange to me how easy it is for me to recall all my thoughts, feelings and emotions from each day that ticks by......... a YEAR ago. In the days after I got my BFP, I could easily tell you what I did each of those days in the first week or two after our good news. I went to Disney World, I went shopping for a new shower curtain for my bathroom I had painted right before I got my BFP, I remember how worn out I was after going shopping,, and came home and took a nap, and I remember exactly where I took that nap, and the position I laid in ............ Bizarre right??

I guess in someway, maybe its my subconscious holding onto things. Maybe I'm scared that I won't get to experience it again, so I'm clinging to the memories I do have from before. Maybe its because I don't really have anything but my memories to remember my baby by. I don't have an U/S picture to cling to, I don't have anything solid to remember my angel by, except my medical records from my old RE's office, where it is noted in detail about my M/C. Pretty sad huh??

I've been coming across alot of info online regarding using Positivity in Infertility in helping to get PG....... and I have to be honest here. I'm having a really hard time buying into it. Maybe its the shitty IF hand I've been dealt? Maybe, its the shitty hand I've been dealt all around in my life, not just when it comes to TTC? Everything I've ever gotten in my life, I've had to work really really hard for....... and I'm totally cool with that. I think its made me a better and stronger person because of it. I wouldn't want anything just handed to me. Where's the life experience in that??? I would however appreciate a break now and then......just a little something to make life a LITTLE easier.

So back to the positivity thing. I'm trying to be open to it. I'm trying to not be dismissive about it and trying to not just write it off as crap. I guess it will have to be a work in progress. I've had people suggest I read that book "The Secret", but I just can't bring myself to read it. I just can't deal with others telling me the whole cliche thing. " If you just relax and think positively, I bet you'll get PG". S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y??? Hmmmmmm..... to think 2 RE's should have been able to tell me that almost three years ago when we started this whole shitty TTC journey, and if it were truly the case, then I'd have atleast 2 kids by now right?

Bottom line....... if your body doesn't work right (whether it be PCOS like in my case, or Endo, or that your body won't cooperate in allowing implantation etc), your body doesn't work right..... and all the positive thinking in the world won't make a bit of difference......... It just won't!

So we'll see where this whole Positivity thing gets me....... those who know me well know I am not a Pessimist. I am a REALIST. This ain't my first time at the rodeo, and I've been around the block more times than I'd like to admit, so my money is not on the whole "be positive and get PG" thing............ at all.

A Year Later....and Still Heartbroken

2008-11-05T18:29:00.000-08:00

Well here I sit on the eve of the one year anniversary of finding out we were PG!!! And here I sit, still with nothing, sad, heartbroken and still defeated. I managed to make it through the other painful "dates" like each milestone month that I should have been PG and our EDD in July. I didn't think I'd make it through my EDD but I did, and kinda figured that I'd made it through that date and that everything else would start to be a little easier. But here I sit, fighting back tears instead. I've been fighting them back for the last two days actually.

Why does the date still flash at me like a beacon light? Well that would be because I am STILL pathetic enough to have ALL FIVE BFP tests stashed away in my bathroom in a baggie. Each one is dated and the test time is noted on them and I can remember getting the 1st positive test like it happened yesterday, right down to the fact that I woke C. up at 4:45 in the morning to make him look at the test to see that faint 2nd line.

My heart just feels so heavy and empty. I still have a very hard time dealing with the fact that I should have a three month old beautiful baby right now, and I have NOTHING....... well -- I take that back, I have C. and my furbabies who make getting through each day bearable and I'm thankful for them each and every day.

But my arms and my heart and soul still are empty without the baby we were supposed to have. The heartbreak I still feel is enormous and so heavy. I feel so weighed down by the sorrow I still feel.

I imagine alot of this sorrow is multiplied by the fact that we are still on a break, but I think I will be making an appt w/ my RE before my Dec. cycle to see about doing a TI cycle with meds (we honestly cannot afford to do an OOP (out of pocket) IUI cycle the month of Christmas, especially since we just came back from at 2 1/2 week vacation in Upstate NY, but maybe a TI cycle would atleast start to give me a little hope again.......... I don't know..... I guess C. and I will have to have a sit down and talk it out and decide from there.

I'd hoped I'd be in a better place by now........ a year later, but I guess not. I guess the heartbreak, sorrow and missing part of my heart just isn't ready to let go of the sadness I feel over our lost angel. As I've written before, the most I can pray for is that our little angel is in Heaven with my dad, and they are watching over each other.

I guess thats all for now, and I'll go cry myself to sleep.

Can Your Heart Smile and Cry at the Same Time?

2008-09-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

Can your heart Smile and Cry at the same time? I guess I never really gave that statement much thought until the other day while I was working out at the Gym. I was catching my breath in between sets, and along comes a woman with her young little boy. He was the cutest little thing, hanging onto her hand, almost running to keep up with her(he couldn't have even been two years old). As he got close to me his tiny little hand shot up in the air, and he looked right into my eyes, he waved and say "HI!!" I smiled and waved back and said Hi back to him.

My heart instantly began to smile (and it brought a smile to my face as well). I thought to myself, he is just adorable, it just doesn't get any sweeter than that. Then in the same instant, my heart grew very sad. I almost became panicked, as I thought to myself, "what if I never ever get to experience that?? What will I do? How will I survive?" What if I never get my chance at having a baby of my own?? Just the thought of that has me once again in tears as I sit here and type this.

The unknown is so unfair. When I was younger I always thought it was so exciting to not have a clue what the future held for me. To wonder about what may lie ahead for me. Now I find those thoughts petrifying.

I guess this seems so much more difficult for me right now because we are on a TTC break. At first it was voluntary, for two months, and we were supposed to try again this month (Sept) however, we had some things in the house that needed repair and we are also traveling up to NY for 2 1/2 weeks for my brothers wedding soon, so despite our overwhelming desire to have a baby, our financial obligations had to come first. Being an adult and having to choose between those two things really sucks, but I guess thats just the way life is. Everything else in my life has been beyond my control for the past couple years or so (atleast where TTC is concerned) so why should now be any different?

Hopefully after we get back from NY, we can see what we can work out to try another cycle. We still have some of C.'s boys' on ice at the RE, although I'd much prefer to do a fresh attempt. I guess we'll have to see what our finances look like when we get home.

I HATE that my Goddamned insurance sucks balls and doesn't pay for any tx's for TTC (they will pay for diagnostics and labs etc, which I guess is something) but they will not pay for actual procedures. I actually wrote a loooong letter to the head of my company out in Cali. I haven't heard back from him yet, and I am thinking if I don't hear back soon, atleast acknowledging he rec'd my email, then I will resend it. I send him a good deal of data on employers covering Fertility tx's, along with some personal feelings on the issue. We'll see if it gets me anywhere. (I work for a very very large company, so I doubt it will) but atleast I'll know I tried to do something instead of sit back and accept it.

I guess I'm in an exceptionally emotional mood today (AF arrived yesterday after toying with me for a friggin WEEK of spotting. Like the same kind of spotting I had right before I got my BFP a year ago......... and she came in with a bang yesterday!!) So of course, I am a crybaby. I was yesterday and I am today. Earlier today I was straightening my spare bedroom for when my MIL is here furbaby sitting while we're in NY, and I opened up our wedding pictures album.......Yep- you guessed it..... I BAWLED!!!! Although I think it was a good thing to look through those (we'll be married 4 years in Dec). I really looked at the expression on my husbands face in a couple of the pictures during our ceremony, and the look on his face is what really made me start crying. I could see just how much he loves me in those photos. The look on his face looking into my eyes is so precious, it warms my heart. Definately a picture I will cherish all my life.

I opened up an email inbox that I don't go into very often yesterday. The first email on the lists' subject title was this:
"Baby Growth.........Your Infant at Two Months!!!"
Ain't that a big kick in the ass!!!?? Thanks so much for reminding me that I should have a two month old baby right now.......... That's why I don't go into that email very often!!

Alright-- I guess thats enough wallowing in self pity for today. I better get back to doing some stuff around this house, as I'm sure this week is going to fly by getting ready to leave for NY (which, have I mentioned I am TOTALLY Psyched about!!???
We'll be on the road one week from today at this time!!! YAY!!)

Or........maybe I'll go to the Gym and excise a few demons.........

My Crafty Creativeness!!

2008-09-19T17:48:00.001-07:00

Well, I don't really have much to blog about today, besides the fact that we are just a short 16 days from leaving for our 2 1/2 week vacation to upstate NY!! (I'm just a wee bit excited about that!!)

Anyhow, I was going though some pictures and came across some of the jewelry that I have been making. (I have these for sale on my other blog:)

http://zencreationshandmadejewelry.blogspot.com/

After I had my miscarriage I made the top bracelet for me to always have the memory of my angel that we lost. I used red swarovski crystals and a ruby center stone as our little one would have been due in July. It also has angel wings symbolic of our angel and two teardrop crystals to symbolize the tears we shed over our loss. Every time I wear it, I feel a bit of inner peace each time I look at those wings.

The second bracelet pictured is called "Fortune" and is made with Rose Quartz and Jade and adorned with a turtle charm which most girls dealing with IF know is a symbol of Fertility.

I'm considering making a new line for new Mommies with Swarovski Crystals in the birth month of the baby, and maybe even the baby's name in the bracelet. I'm mulling over designs, although I'm not sure how much of a seller they would be.

I'm also currently working on a pretty set of a necklace, bracelet and earrings for my mom for my brothers wedding in a few weeks and a necklace and bracelet for myself as well. I'll be sure to post pictures of those when they are done!

Other than that, there really isn't much I have to report in about, so I guess I won't keep babbling!!

SUCCESS Is An Awesome Motivator!!!

2008-09-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

My day started bright and early today with the prospect of fitting alot into the day. I woke early, got ready to go to the gym and was there by about 8:15am. I wish my job hours allowe me to hit the gym early every morning however, when you have to be at work at 5:15am, it really doesn't allow for anything beforehand. I have a ton of energy and a great sense of accomplishment throughout my day when I can look at the clock at 9:45 am and know that I've spent a great morning getting healthy and relieving any stress I might have.

Anyhow, I've been making some really great strides at the gym. When I think back to how I felt about myself 2 months ago (and how I looked to myself) when we joined the gym and then I look at where I am now, I can honestly say I am really proud of what I have accomplished so far and how much progress I have made! I started out huffin' and puffin' on the treadmill for 20 mins and moaning and groaning to myself the entire time, forcing myself to keep walking for "just two more minutes". The first week I started back working out, I "tried" the eliptical machine, thinking "It can't be THAT bad!!". Well, I found humiliation and became quite humbled quite quickly when I managed to barely hang in there for two minutes and thought I would face certain death after gettting off of it. Needless to say, I didn't go back near that eliptical machine for the past two months.........that was until earlier this week....... I decided it was time to face the BEAST and get back on and see if I could atleast manage 5 minutes after two months of lots and lots of cardio on the treadmill.

I hopped on, pressed play on the ipod, and not only did I make it 5 minutes, but soared right through 10 minutes!!!!!! (of course a tad bid of that was compliments of my AMP sugar free energy drink, but I'll take all the help anywhere I can get it!!) I was so proud of myself for pushing through that I then made my way over to the treadmill for another hour of intense high incline walking and felt like a million bucks afterwards!!

Man, what a difference 2 months of hard work and alot of perserverence can do for you!!!
(I'm a little proud of myself, so excuse the endless babble about it!!)

All totaled, I've lost about 10 pounds in the past two months, and I'm sure changed ALOT of ahem........F.A.T. into Muscle. I've lost about 3 inches in my waist, and about 3 in my hips. I can see a big difference in my legs, but especially my tummy!!!!! (I'm very interested to see how much my BMI has dropped, but it was kinda horrifying to see those numbers two months ago, and I'm pretty much petrified to do the test again in fears that it really hasn't dropped as much as I think it has, but I'm probably just being paranoid right?)

Anyhow, up until today, I've continued to doubt my progress even though I can see changes in how I look in the mirror and how my clothes are quite a bit looser now. After shopping today, I'm a true believer that I'm actually making PROGRESS!!!!!

After the gym, my mom and I set out to go dress shopping for my brothers upcoming wedding which is just about 1 month away in upstate NY. I tried on a pretty dress in JC Penney in my normal size and it just didn't fit right. The top was just too baggy, and it didn't sit right, so we decided to move on to another store. We heading into Dillards to shop as we've had good luck there before. I found about 5 dresses to try on, and headed into the dressing room with the first one. I put it on, zipped it up, and liked it. I came out of the dressing room, and was looking in the big mirror. My mom and I both liked it on me, but it still just didn't fit right...... too loose on top and a bit too flowy at the waistline. We decided maybe I should try a size down to see if it fit better, so I shuffled over to the rack to look for a smaller size. Of course there wasn't one size down, but there was two sizes down.............. I brought it back to the dressing room FULL of doubt, sure it wouldn't fit, or I wouldn't be able to zip it, or that I'd bulge out of it somewhere.

Well imagine the SHEER JOY I felt when it fit like a glove!!!!!!!!!!

I'VE SHRANK TWO DRESS SIZES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so elated, I almost cried. Thank God for progress.

There's no better motivator as far as I'm concerned than that!! Now I definately have something to keep working hard at when I'm at the gym. Everytime I want to step off that treadmill, I'll think about all the progress I've made in the past two months, and where I'll be two months from now, and will keep on truckin'!!

So, thats my feel good blog for the week. I'm really proud of myself and it feels good to say that! It feels good to feel good about something in my life when I have alot of things I don't really feel that great about!!

(Incidentally I have to give a shout out to C. as well, as he is really making great strides at the gym too. I'm proud of him for staying dedicated to it, and to getting healthier. WAY TO GO BABE!!)

Oh, and by the way, I'm up to 17 minutes on the Eliptical machine (in one weeks progress!!!)
How's that for perserverence!!!?

Tagged!!

2008-09-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

I have been Tagged!!
I don't think in all my time blogging, I have actually been tagged, so this will be a first for me....... (I'm kinda boring though, so I don't know how interesting it will be, but here it goes none the less.
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

I was Tagged by Peachy (her link is on my list)

6 random things about me:

1. I am anal retentive and super detail focused at my job (well, I am holding my patients' lives in my hands on a daily basis, ie: the intent focus). I get so annoyed when I see my coworkers doing things they shouldn't be doing, it drives me up a wall. At home, I am the complete opposite. I do things however I feel like doing them and oh well if no one else likes my style of doing things.......... its odd to me to be so different from work and at home.

2. I am a total joker and love to fool around and make people laugh, and this leads people to believe that I am SUPER outgoing..........truth is, I feel I am really the total opposite. I am not really a people person at all. I hate talking on the phone and find it very annoying to have to do so most days. Honestly, around people I don't know, I feel so far outside my comfort zone, that I sometimes freeze up and don't know what to say to people. Once I trust you though or have built some sort of relationship with you, its hard to shut me up though.

3. I grew up in Upstate NY and have lived down in FL for 8 years. I daydream on a daily basis about moving back up to NY. I miss so much about NY, but I fear we'd move back up there, and winter would roll in and I'd shut down. As I sit here in FL today, at a whpopping 92 degrees, with a heat index of about 103 degrees, I long for snow (okay--thats an exageration, but I do long for cool fall days, when you throw on jeans and a hoodie, and go for a walk in the leaves, then come back in a have a nice cup of hot tea.) (**by the way, is that actually two random things? That I grew up in NY AND I daydream about moving back?)

4. I have two dogs and a cat. I adopted my one dog Jazzmine, when she was a mere 5 weeks old, but couldn't bring her home from the SPCA until she was 6 weeks old. If ever a dog was just like it's owner, it would be Jazzmine. I honestly don't think she knows she's a dog. I love her to pieces, even if she does fart and drool alot.

5. I used to love to run as a child........now, I can't stand the thought of running!! (although getting back into working out these past two months, it has become one of my goals to be able to jog on the treadmill ) Every summer my town had a community festival with races/competitions for kids and I kicked butt in alot of the running ones. My parents used to have a big board with all my ribbons on it. I wonder what happened to all those ribbons all these years later? Hmmmm....

6. Geez---its hard to write so much just about me!!!!! Lets see...... I have one brother. He still lives in upstate NY and is getting married in a few weeks up there. (24 days til we leave for NY).
We totally didn't like each other very much growing up. Actually I adored him and wanted to be around him constantly. He on the other hand, being 5 years older than me wanted nothing to do with me at all. We used to get in the worst fights (even though I was smaller than him, I thought I could "take him". Once we got older and grew out of it, we became really really close. Especially after my dad passed away (when I was 22 and my brother was 27). Now we love spending time together and always have tons of laughes and good times.

Okay--
now I have to tag some people (although I don't think I'll tag 6)

JackieMac

The Wright's

(okay-- I am a dummy, because I've tried to link their blogs 3 times and it hasn't worked-- I'm clueless!) Their links are over in my blog list!!

I Need To Let It Go........

2008-09-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

so why can't I??

As I was getting ready to go to a job interview earlier today, I was looking for something in my medicine cabinet..... I don't really go in there very often as odd as that sounds, as I don't really keep anything I use frequently up there.

As I looked up on the top shelf, there they sat. Like a beacon calling me towards them...... there sat my old Positive PG tests from last November....... ALL SIX OF THEM!!! Two digital strips and four other tests that were all positive. I should have gotten rid of them by now right?? I mean after all my child should have been born in July and I would have had no need to keep such a silly memento as a positive PG test right? Well, it seems as though those PG tests are all I have left to hang on to from my lost Pregnancy. I have no U/S pictures, as when we had our 1st U/S we found there was no Heartbeat and that the sac wasn't in the place it should have been (ie: I was getting ready to m/c).

All I have as a reminder of the little one we lost is a few Postive PG tests, a angel miscarriage bracelet I made to remind me of our baby, an adorable winnie the pooh outfit that my cousin and Aunt sent when they found out we were PG, and the one and only thing I bought the week after we got our BFP, a cute package of baby bottles with baby snoopy on them.

Oh, and did I mention the hole in my heart that will forever be there, that nothing will ever fill? We can't leave that out now can we?

Why can I not bring myself to throw out those PG tests??? Everything else is tucked away somewhere (except the bracelet and my heartache) so I don't have to look at it everyday....... From a healthy viewpoint, I know mentally its not healthy to hang on to such a thing, as it serves as a reminder of something painful. I think I simply am grasping to the one real thing I have left since I have nothing else.

I don't know........

Our plan was originally to take July and August off for a mental break that we both badly needed. Now its September and we're not back on track..... financially we just have too much going on right now. I had to make a trip up to NY in August and we are planning a two week trip up to NY again in October for my brothers wedding. So it became either save our extra money so we don't miss my brothers wedding (which I would never miss for anything) or spend another $800 for a cycle trying...... October is out as we will be in NY and couldn't do monitoring anyway, so now it looks like MAYBE November before we jump back in.

I feel like with each month that passes, my dream keeps slipping further and further away. I actually feel like I have days where our dream of having a child is never going to happen. I often feel like I should start to do some research on Living Childless, but anytime I get any further than the search results, it ends in my sobbing, and not being able to even bring myself to read whats on the screen in front of me. So I guess thats my minds' way of telling me I'm not at that point yet.

I don't really have much else of a point to this blog, besides putting on virtual paper that I know I SHOULD move on (past the PG tests, the PG we lost etc), but I just can't.......not yet.........

The A B C's of ME!!

2008-08-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

Well, its Saturday night, I'm bored, C. is closing the Restaurant tonight, and I'm sitting wracking my brain trying to think of something for dinner for 1.......... So in the meantime, I figured I'd blog a little. I've seen these ABC's of Me in alot of others' blogs, so I've decided what the heck....... here it goes........ try not to fall asleep from boredom (my life tends to be a bit boring LOL!!)

The A B C's of ME!!

Accent: I was born and raised in Upstate NY, and now that I live in FL, people tell me I sound like I'm from NY? Ok.......if you say so!!?

Breakfast or no breakfast: Breakfast if I'm at work, usually not if I'm home.....odd right???

Chore I don’t care for: Washing dishes........... I'd rather clean a Toilet!

Dog or Cat: I love them both....... we have two dogs that are my babies and a cute fat cat!!

Essential Electronics: My laptop, my I-pod (without a doubt I couldn't live without it), my Blackberry

Favorite Cologne: True Love by Elizabeth Arden and Patchouli (yep-- I'll admit it -- I love it!!)

Gold or Silver: Gold

Handbag I carry most often: I refuse to pay a ton of money on a purse.......

Insomnia: Pretty rarely....... once in a while when I'm really overtired or stressed about something

Job Title:Vascular Access Manager

Kids: Desperate for one.......... God willing we'll have our chance

Living Arrangements: We own our home (hubby and I)

Most Admirable Trait: My Loyalty and Sense of Humor

Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: I swore alot!!

Overnight hospital stays: None for me!! One minor surgery and a few ER visits when

I was young

Phobias: BUGS for sure!!! I'm petrified of Snakes and cockroaches

Quote: "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you

straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other waythan this: where I does not exist, nor you,so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep." Pablo Neruda

Reason to smile: My Husband, my Family, and my Furbabies

Siblings: One Awesome Older Brother

Time I wake up: Ugghh!!!! 4:30 am on work days!! Blech!!

Unusual Talent or Skill: I can pick things up with my feet

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: Oh Lord, thats a looooong list, it'd be much easier to list what I do like: corn, peas, potato's, tomato's, cukes, onions............thats it!!

Worst Habit: My sarcasm tends to get me in trouble sometimes

X-rays: None in a while, most recent were my neck and when Jazz stomped on my foot and I thought she broke something because I could barely walk.

Yummy Stuff: my hubby's homemade chicken parm, warm brownies or homemade choc. chip cookies fresh from the oven. YUM!!!!

Zoo Animal I Like Most: Monkey's for sure!!!

Back From the N.Y.

2008-08-25T17:25:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm delighted to say I had a WONDERFUL time in NY. There is no place like Upstate NY in the mountains. I know how cliche' the "Fresh Mountain Air" stuff is, but it really is true (until your Allergies kick into gear that is.........) The picture above, is across the street from the house I grew up, which my brother still lives in. I could sit and look out at that mountain for hours, and honestly I spent alot of my years living there doing just that while growing up.

Just as I suspected, my visit to NY made me very homesick for those surroundings. I don't miss the little town I grew up in so much, as it is just as it has always been. A small little town that never changes.......almost as though a town that time forgot. But I miss the rolling hills, the mountains, the NON-Busy atmosphere that a little town in the mountains of NY offers. I miss silly things like going to watch my older brother play in his summer mens' softball league. I miss the fact that you can drive on country roads in and out of mountains and maybe only pass 15 cars on a 30 minute ride, instead of the nonstop madness of traffic I deal with daily here in Florida. (of course I doubt I'd be missing those roads come wintertime in a blizzard but nonetheless).

I also suspect that when C. and I head back to NY in October for two weeks (for my brothers' wedding), that C. may have to drag me kicking and screaming back out of NY when its time to leave. Fall in Upstate NY is my absolute favorite time of year, hands down. There is nothing like it!!!! I know as soon as C. lays eyes on those mountains in Oct, he too will become homesick for where we grew up.

Honestly, if my mom wasn't down here by me(she lives 10 mins away) in Florida, I think C. and I would move back to Upstate NY without a doubt. (C.'s mom is down here too, but about 90 mins away). Of course we don't even need to talk about the fact that Real Estate Sales sucks BALLS right now and we'd have a very tough time selling our house, without owing more than what we'd get for it right now. So, for now our thoughts of moving back to NY will have to be just that..........thoughts! (and daydreams)

Seeing my family up in NY was awesome, we spent a couple days with my Aunt (my mom's sister) who has been battling various forms of cancer for a couple years now....... (first an extreemly rare form of lymphoma(brain cancer), so rare that they didn't even have a name for it, which I am so pleased to say is in remission, however she is currently battle breast cancer....... and let me just say, she is a REMARKABLE WOMAN!!!!! She can't walk, (but is working on it) and is so independent and still has the most wonderful sense of humor. I'm pretty sure that she, my mom and I laughed 95% of our waking hours. I love her to pieces and am amazed by her strength and courage for all she has been through. LOVE YOU AUNTIE BLING!!

We had a bit of a bumpy flight back home as there was a Tropical Storm on its way to the west coast of FL and had our flight come in any later we wouldn't have made it back and would probably have sat in Washington DC for a day or two waiting to get back........

To sum it up, awesome trip, great relaxation (although it was busy as we had help throw my sister-in-law to be's bridal shower while we were up there), great scenery, lots of laughes and good times, but as always its good to come back home (I missed C. terribly while I was gone and I couldn't wait to get back home to his lovin' arms).

I guess thats all for now. I've really been slacking with my blogging lately, as I don't really have alot to talk/blog about, but I'm going to try to get back on track!!! To those who do read, I do check in on alot of your blogs, sometimes daily, to see how you are doing.

Much love to all!

Leavin' On a Jet Plane!!

2008-08-09T18:18:00.001-07:00

Well, I know I have been posting much lately. I feel kinda empty inside, while we are taking a break, so I don't feel the need to reinforce the emptiness by writing about how sad I am over and over and over again.

Bottom line....... not TTTC right now sucks (but the mental break is good for me)and honestly I feel like my chances are slipping away from me with each passing day. I feel like each day I withdraw a little bit more from the message boards I frequent, and even here for that matter. Its sad, it sucks, what else can I say about it?

In other news, I'm heading to Upstate NY on Thursday for 6 days and I cannot wait!!! The picture above is taken about 5 minutes from the house where I grew up, and where I will be going to visit in just a few days. My mom and I are flying up together for my future sister-in-laws Bridal Shower we are helping throw. I can't wait for a break from the hellish Florida heat and humidity. Forecast for where I'm headed is mid to high 70's during the day and mid to high 50's at night--- I couldn't even tell you the last time we saw a nighttime temp go below 77 here in Florida (well its been many many many months). I can't wait to see mountains, and rolling hills, and of course see my family up there. Last time I was up there and saw everyone was under poor circumstances, when my Aunt ended up in the hospital having seizures and being non responsive for 5 days in ICU, to end up getting diagnosed with an extreemly rare form of brain cancer, which I'm thankful to report that 1 1/2 years later is in complete remission (although she is currently battling breast cancer right now).

Anyhow, I'm super psyched about heading to a New York State of Mind for a few days. Of course, I'm bummin' that my husband isn't going, but he'll be working alot next weekend and he'll be taking care of our furbabies while I'm gone. I also know that when we head back up to NY in October for two weeks for my brothers wedding, we'll have a blast and get to enjoy upstate NY in the fall....... my favorite time of year. I keep telling C. that he'll have to drag me kicking and screaming out of NY because I won't want to leave.

C. and I are still doing well working out at the gym. We are still hitting the gym 4-6 times a week and it honestly feels great. I feel great physically and I love the mind numbingness I feel while I'm there. I don't stress about IF, I don't think about much of anything else besides working out and digging deep for the determination to push myself while I'm there!

I guess thats about all I can offer up, thats just how damn boring and uneventful my life is these days!

Very Sad Today.......

2008-07-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

I am very sad today. Not sad about the usual IF stuff that my blog is generally overflowing with, but sad because today is the Anniversary of my Dad passing away. I know I've talked about this previously in other blogs, but my dad is still so important to me that I feel my sadness about missing him warrents its own blog.

My Dad passed away on July 26, 1994, when I was a mere 22 years old. He celebrated his 48th Birthday on July 17, became sick with Bronchitis which quickly turned into CHF and an admit to the hospital, which then snowballed into a massive MI. They tried to get him back for over 45 minutes, but it was all over. Alot of people go through an experience like this and say that it all happened so fast, it was like a blur and they don't really remember much about it. I remember every single thing that happened in those few horrible days. I remember them clear as day. I can close my eyes and I'm sitting outside of CCU watching it all happen. It instantly brings me to tears. I remember the pain of knowing where it all was heading, the fact that my brother was on his way back to the hospital (only having gone home 40 mins away to shower and take the dogs out and feed them) and by the time he got to the hospital, our dad was gone. I remember standing out in the hallway talking with my boyfriend and a couple other friends (I worked in the hospital and knew alot of people there)and I remember crying saying "This can't happen, not yet, he's only 48 and has way too much living left to do. He needs to walk me down the aisle someday when I get married, he needs his chance to be a grandfather!!" (well, I guess out on much there as I still haven't been able to have a baby 14 years later!!!).

I remember being completely numb in the days after he passed, sitting in the funeral home helping my mom make arrangements, numb as all our family arrived to support us. People sleeping on the living room floor, in the spare bedroom, in hotels....... a nonstop stream of people coming to the house, it was all so overwhelming and numbing all at the same time. It was actually very surreal. It wasn't until everything was over and people started going home and things became quiet that the magnitude and reality of what had happened and what we were now missing from our lives really set in. I remember going back to my apartment the day after my dads funeral, and going into my closet to get a few things and literally colapsing on the closet floor. I sat there a sobbed for hours. Honestly I could go on and on and on until the blog world cut me off, about how my life got turned upside down after my dad passed, but I'll try not to keep carrying on about it.

Instead I'll touch on just a few of the many many great things I remember, appreciated and most of all loved my dad for.

My dad was such a hard worker. He worked for NY State as a Correctional Officer for 18 years, and my brother and I never wanted for anything. Between him and my mom, we never went without a single thing. No matter the cost etc, we always had everything we needed and much much more. The atmosphere in my house growing up was never one that was a "coochie coochie coo" leave it to Beaver kind of house.......that just wasn't us. We just knew how much we were loved, there was never any question. I knew my dad loved me with his whole heart, I was a total Daddy's Girl 110%.I didn't need my parents to tell me every minute, I just always knew they loved me and were ALWAYS there for me and my brother. When my dad wasn't working, he was always keeping busy at home. Yardwork, woodworking, working on the car. He played on a softball league with alot of his friends and I never missed a game. He used to love to get in the car and go for a ride after dinner in the summertime. My parents and I would go over to Vermont on our rides (we lived 2 mins from the Vermont Border in Upstate NY), and we'd spot deer in fields, and my dad and I would have contests to see who could spot more deer, and how many etc. God, I'd give anything to go on one more car ride with him.

He was an amazing man, who instilled alot of really good morals in me, my parents gave me the wisdom, knowledge and the smarts to do my best to always make the right choices in my life, and for that, I will be forever grateful. (and speaking of smarts, he wanted to be sure I had some "street smarts" too. We used to have little lessons on different ways to "defend myself" with his prison issue nightstick (baton).... I kid you not....... It wasn't like I drove around with a nightstick in my car or walked around with one on my hip, so I don't really know when the opportunity would have occured for me to use my "skills", but nevertheless, I was taught and prepared just in case).

Everyday, even 14 years later, I still get signs that he's around me, and watching over me. Every time I see a red cardinal I think of him. (its a long story, but the jist of it is, that he loved Cardinals, so much so that his tombstone has a deer and a cardinal in a tree on it and ever since he passed, cardinals have come into my life with meaningful experiences many many times, and many times when I was having a tough time, and I truly believe with all my heart that this is my dads way of letting me know he is around me and watching out for me by sending cardinals my way).

My latest experience was just the other night after a dream I had. (My dad does still come to me in my dreams, and after he does I always awake feeling comforted that he has visited me, again to let me know he is still around me).

So I had a dream Tuesday night and he was in it. I don't remember alot of the dream, but what I did remember when I woke, was that in the dream he kept telling me to go buy him some lottery tickets. He said it several times, and then said "here's $26.50 to go buy me some lottery tickets". When I woke, I thought to myself, how weird, that he'd specifically say to me here's $26.50 and I thought, geez--maybe I should go play the lottery just incase. The day went on and I kinda forgot about it, so I never bought any tickets. Fast foward to Weds evening, and I'm sitting watching TV and on comes the FL Pick 3 and Pick 4 results for Weds........

Catch this...... the pick 3 number was 6-5-0 and the pick 4 numbers were.................... 2-6-5-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that not friggin' unbelievable!!!??? (and of course I didn't play them!!!) But it cerainly is an experience I'll never forget and just another reason I know my dad is with me.

I've managed to do okay today, but I've been carrying around alot of sadness all day. I went to the gym after work today, and just really had a hard time concentrating and focusing, so after about 45 mins, I decided to head home before I hurt myself not paying attention. I sat out back on the lanai while cooking dinner, and sent some prayers up to the Big Guys in the sky (big guys= G-O-D and my dad).

I know my dad is at peace, and would never have wanted him to stay here on earth, if his quality of life was depleated, he'd never have wanted to live that way, and he had made that perfectly clear many many times over the years. I pray he is content and gets to do all the things he loved doing on earth up in Heaven.

I also send up alot of prayers hoping that the little angel we lost back in November when I had my m/c is there with him and he is getting to enjoy his grandchild. It makes a M/C a tiny bit easier to cope with knowing that their spirits are together up there in Heaven.

I love you always dad, and not a day goes by that I don't think about you and miss you, and I always will.

Progress..........

2008-07-21T17:45:00.001-07:00

So, it's been a couple weeks since I last posted, so i figured I'm loooong overdue to blog about something.

I am very happy to report that the my latest journey to get healthy is off to a great start!!! C and I are still working out at the gym 5-6 times a week and have been doing great with our Low Carb "Lifestyle". I am thrilled to say that as of Saturday 7-19, I am down 8 POUNDS!!!!! I've also lost 2 inches in my waist and 3 inches off my hips!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! My clothes are getting baggy already too, so I'm thrilled!!! (C. is doing good too, and has lost 6 pounds!!)

Although I feel lost not TTC right now, it feels really good to focus on something besides daily injections in my stomach, trying to fit in Dr's appointments and Ultrasounds around my crazy work schedule etc. It feels great to be in the gym and not really even think about all my TTTC woes. I go in, distract myself with good music, and let all my stress go, and revel in the adrenalin rush you get from a good workout. The next thing I know, its 90 mins later, and I feel good about myself and accomplished . (and believe me, its been a loooooong time since I've felt good about really anything in my life.)

As far as TTTC goes, there is really nothing to report in. My body continues to be its psycho self, of which I have no control over.........Yeah-- whats new there right?? Anyhow, the plan as of now is that we will take off August from TTC, mainly because I'll be out of town (Upstate NY-- here I come.....only for 5 days, but I'm super psyched about a visit back home), and then hopefully we'll jump back in and try again in September (october will be out as we will be spending 2 weeks in Upstate NY when my brother gets married), so I'm already starting my prayers that September will be our lucky month!!

I guess thats about all for now, I just wanted to check in and not abandon my blog. I'll keep updating with my weight loss progress, and will hopefully continue to post good things!!!!!!

The Start of a New Journey

2008-07-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

So, its been about a week since I last posted a blog, I guess I needed time to process all of our last failed cycle. Truth be told I'm still processing it. And I'm still questioning and 2nd guessing my choice to take a break. I know that mentally, we both really needed to take this break, it was just becoming such an ovewhelming burden to both of us, that we were petrified of it ruining our wonderful marriage, and that of course is the last thing either of us want. I couldn't live without him, nor him without me.....I mostly question our break because of the fact that I'm pretty positive this last cycle ended as a Chemical Pregnancy--- so I wonder if we had gone ahead with this month's cycle that it would have been the sucessful one since we most likely did have fertilization just not implantation with this one....... I hope we didn't ruin our progress by taking a break......... as always, all my thoughts seem to be consumed by I hopes, I wish, and I'm scared's.

So, we joined a gym last week, one that is close to where we live, so we don't have the excuse that we don't feel like driving there etc...... we also both started back on our low carb diet as of yesterday (Monday) so together we are headed on a new journey, for now anyways.......... a journey back to feeling better about ourselves and a journey to better health as well. (it will be benificial for me having PCOS and beneficial for C. since he has diabetes). We were both very sucessful doing low carb in the past, last time we did it I lost about 25 pounds, and have only put about 8 of it back on since we stopped (incidently we stopped it after I got PG, then went back on it after the New year and then stopped again a few months ago).

We met with a trainer tonight, to go over diet and exercise plans. Of course that involves the ever so embarrassing mounting of the scale, and the even better body fat analysis......... which have been kept top secret from C. because even I have limits to what I will share with him (its really probably the only thing I won't/don't share with him!!).

I'm also dealing with mounting pressure and nerves as I approach what would have been my EDD (Sunday 7/13). As much as I've tried to stay away, I have still been lurking on the SAIF board, and all the girls that were due right around the same time as me are now giving birth...... its like a stab in the heart.......

July has kinda sucked for me for quite a few years now, and this just adds to the craptasticness of it....... my dad passed away in July (of 2004, 1 week after his 48th Birthday......yes you read that right, he was only 48...I was only 22 when he died), so every July I cry on his birthday because I miss him so much still, and then I cry my heart out a week later on the anniversary of his passing.....) So, add to it, the fact that I should be holding my baby right now, or atleast preparing to sucks ASS..........

Anyhow-- this post was supposed to be on a more postive note, but has managed its way back to what I hurt about most, IF and PG loss...... I guess you write about what you know best don't you???

Hopefully my next few posts will start to become a little more positive, and as I start making great progress on my fitness/wt loss Journey I'll update it here.

Thanks to those who still check in here, and for your comments...... I haven't been the best at emails to friends or family lately, but I appreciated everyone's support and will try to do better this week. (and btw, I do still check in on all your blogs, even if I haven't been commenting!)

Big love to all.....

Done, Over and Broken........

2008-07-01T17:17:00.000-07:00

its been an aweful rollercoaster weekend....... and it ends with shitty news.......I tested on Friday 13 dpo/IUI and got a very faint bfp (thats when I posted my last blog post), and I thought we'd have good news to share, but wanted to wait to be sure by re-testing the next day. So I tested Sat 14 dpo/IUI and got another faint line, but darker than the day before and well within the 10 min test time.So I started to get really excited but was still afraid to post....... I guess it was my intuition telling me to not get excited.

I tested Sunday morning, and got a big stark snow white test and was like WTF???? So I was upset and crying on and off all day Sunday, trying to keep my mind busy doing other things, and then re-tested in the afternoon with a Digital when DH got home......... only to read a giant ugly NOT PREGNANT!!!!!I don't get it--- my trigger was out 10 dpo so that wouldn't have been giving me false positives....... maybe it was a chemical PG??

I started spotting Sunday night, and got the bitch whore AF on Monday, full on flow ............... so, IT. IS. ALL. OVER.

I had one of the worst breakdowns of my life Sunday night...... (2nd only to my dad passing away and my m/c). I sat in the middle of my kitchen floor and just sobbed. I told dh I wanted to dig a hole in the back yard and climb into it and disappear........ he literally had to pick me up off the floor.

It seems IF has finally beat me down to nothing. I had so much hope and belief that this was going to be it for us. I don't honestly know how much more heartbreak I can stand. I was so down and out on Sunday, that I actually visited websites about learning to live childless (and of course, sobbed as soon as the site would load).With all that said, we have to decided to take a break for a couple months (well, I decided and dh is supportive of whatever I want and need to do right now). As much as I don't want to take a break, I don't honestly think that mentally I can take another month of disappointment without someone having to commit me, I just need a little break to breath. I'm scared that the progress we've made with meds etc will all be lost and be some sort of set-back and thats the only thing making me 2nd guess taking a break.

So we'll take July off (we'll try on our on, but I'm not banking on much in that department), I'll be traveling during O time in August up to NY, so thats out, so it looks like we'll start back trying in September.In the meantime, we've both joined a gym close to where we live, and I'm going to be balls to the wall with loosing some weight and getting back into shape, both mentally and physically.

Thanks to those who were curious and supportive. I'm sure I'll continue my blogs, although my posts may take a temporary turn of direction for now.

So, that has been my suck ass shit rotten hell of a weekend. At this point in my blog, it seems as though I always try to end on a positive note, however, I'm having extreme difficulty finding anything positive at all to talk about, besides the fact that I am grateful for having my C. in my life to love, hold and support me.

Babe, if you happen to read this, thank you for literally picking me back up from all this mess, and as always, for loving me, no matter what. You are my everything, and I can't breath without you.

Ummmmm.....can't share anything yet!

2008-06-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

Okay-- I've been MIA for a couple days.......

I had a mini-meltdown yesterday as I started having really bad cramping, and I swiped a tiny bit of pink after peeing, and I was certain that this cycle is over.

As of today, 13 dpo/IUI the jury is still out and there is no conclusive evidence one way or another. No other spotting except for once yesterday. Still having some weird cramping feelings that come and go (but not like AF dull achy cramps), I had nausea 1/2 the morning today at work.

The past few months AF has arrived like clockwork at 14 dpo (and by 12 dpo-13 dpo I have ALOT of spotting), and there is honestly no signs of AF as of the moment I type this Friday night........... so thats a really good sign right??

We did test today, and I'll keep the results of that to myself (and to C. of course) as to not reveal what we don't really know, and certainly I don't want to jinx our chances..........

So, thanks to those who've offered caring thoughts and messages this far (on here and via email), they really mean alot, and as soon as we might know something definative, I'll let be sure to post on the Nest and here when I'm ready to .

So again, thanks for all the well wishes, and please keep em coming....... we need all the prayers and positive thoughts we can get.

Much Love to all

Petrified . . . . . . . . . . .

2008-06-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

So, if you read my previous post, you'll recall that C. and I decided that we would test on Thursday (tomorrow) which will be 12 dpo/IUI, but I am now officially petrified to do so!

A little background as to why:
I've been testing out the Trigger this month, (my trigger was done about 28 hours prior to IUI). On 9 dpo, I got a super faint line when I POAS, and I was totally thrilled thinking, my trigger has always been out by 7 dpo, so being that on 9dpo, it was actually 10dp trigger, so in my mind, it couldn't possibly still be the trigger right? Well, WRONG!!!! I flew out of bed on the morning of 10 dpo (like 5 am early) and ran in and POAS........ STARK WHITE TEST LINE!!! How the hell did it take my body 10 days to metabolize the trigger out!!!! Thats just crazy to me!!!

So, now that I'm 11 dpo/IUI and on the eve of test day, I'm shittin' myself and I'm a bundle of freakin' nerves!!!!! I honestly don't think that I can possibly take seeing another BFN this month. I honestly do not know how I will be able to handle it without finally going over the edge!!! I have been so positive this month, keeping an upbeat positive outlook, trying to be good to my body and mind. I've been praying alot, and C. and I have been lighting the prayer candles that I made for each one of us. (C. has actually brought a smile to my heart a couple times this past week, as I've come home from work when he's been home and he has taken it upon himself to light his prayer candle. So it touches me that he really is trying to stay postive about this month too).

So, back to the testing stuff, as I just went off a little of track there. I feel that honestly I'm better off waiting until Friday to test as that will be 13 dpo/IUI. The reason I'm feeling that way, is because back in Nov when I got PG, I didn't get a BFP until 13 dpo, and it was super super faint, then on 14 dpo, I got another bfp on a $ store cheapie followed by a bfp on a digital. Emotionally, I don't know if I can handle seeing another stark white test area tomorrow morning, without loosing my shit!!!

Meanwhile, I'm going nutso with all the symptoms I've having. Achy burning boobs/nips, nausea throughout the day, fatigue, and I've been having alot of dull achy pains in my lower right abdominal area. Not really cramps, just pinchy little pains......they come, last about 1 or 2 mins and then go away.

Its ridiculous as I go into each month, I think to myself, that I'm just so used to the 2WW, that nothing will throw me this month....... Ha!!!!! Every month it just gets worse and worse and worse. I'm honestly just so nervous about testing that I'm sick to my stomach.

The fear of getting another bfn this month is far far worse than heading into the cycle doing shots in my stomach each night, doing the IUI for the first time........ I'm honestly just so scared to see this month be a BFN.

I guess when C. gets home from work tonight, we'll talk it out, and he'll tell me to do whatever I think we should do and we'll go from there, but as it stands now, I honestly believe I'll be waiting until Friday to test.

So stay tuned, and if you wouldn't mind, send any positive thoughts and prayers my way for Friday morning!!!

My "Dear Baby" Letter....

2008-06-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been on the fence wanting to write a "Dear Baby" letter to my little one that I pray to God is snuggling in as I type this, but I've been having trouble writing it. Its almost like I feel too vulnerable to write it, but I still feel so compelled to write it anyways, so here it goes:

Dear Wee One,
I just want you to know how very much you are wanted. How much you have been prayed for, for years now it seems. Both daddy and I yearn to welcome you to our world, to our lives, to our hearts. For so long we have wanted you, to complete our family. Your daddy and I love each other very very much, but we need you to complete the little part that is missing to make our lives' whole. We have cried for you, prayed for you, struggled to get you here, and will do everything we can to show you each and every minute of your life how very much we love you and how much you mean to us.

I pray that you will join us and be part of our life. I pray that you will have your daddy's big brown eyes and laid back temperment. I pray that you have my little nose and sense of humor. I pray that you will have the best parts of your daddy and the best parts of me all wrapped up into one little miracle of life that you will be.

You will have sooooo many people who will love you so very much and have wished and hoped for you just like daddy and I. There's MeMe Loretta (My mom) who has hoped and prayed for you to join us for years now. She will spoil you like no one else could ever come close to doing. She will steal you away every chance she gets and love you to pieces. She's always wanted a grandbaby to spoil rotten and you are just the perfect baby for the job. Grandpa John will spoil you like crazy too, and will teach you how to bowl when you get old enough!! There's Uncle Rich and Aunt Sue, who although they live kinda far away, will take pride and joy in spoiling you and loving you up every chance they get.

Then there is Grandma Donna and Grandpa Frank....... there is tons of love to be had from them as well. Grandpa Frank will surely teach you how to golf as soon as your old enough, and Grandma Donna will love you up and spoil you lots too!

The list goes on and on of all the people who would love nothing more than for you to join us and be part of our loving family.

There will never be alot of things I ask of you as my child, except to accept and give love, be a good person, and know you can always trust your daddy and I. The only other thing I want to ask of you, is to please snuggle into me, your mommy, and get nice and comfy and enjoy the ride for the next 9 months while you grow big and strong in mommy's belly.

Always remember how much daddy and I love you and how badly we want you to join us and be part of our family, our hearts, and our souls. I hope and pray in four or five days we get the BIG news we are desperately hoping for, and we'll know that you've heard our prayers and want to be with us as much as we want to be with you.

Love Always,
Your Mommy
_________________________________________________________

Okay, now that I have gotten that off my chest, I feel better, and it turns out not so vulnerable afterall. It feels good to put it down on "virtual" paper, as it makes it more real.

Today I am 8dpiui (for those not up on the lingo is 8 days past IUI).
I had alot of cramping days 1-4 past IUI. The last several mornings I've had some waves of nausea while at work (and at home), and one morning I even though my blood sugar might be low, so I checked it at work, and it was fine. I have been really tired and have taken a nap every day in the afternoon for the last 4 days and have been having jabs of pain in my bb's here and there. Today I have been having dull achy pains in my lower abdominal area, mostly on the right side. They actually start kinda sharp and then go dull and achy and then after a few minutes it fades away, then comes back a while later. I try and compare what I am feeling these past few days with how I felt when I was PG back in November, but I didn't know I was actually PG in the days leading up to my BFP so I don't really remember what I felt in those days leading up to it, aside from having weird spotting and wondering why the hell AF wasn't coming with all the spotting.

In alot of ways, I don't want any symptoms to be the same as when I got PG before, because it ended in a m/c and I'm afraid that if I feel the same things as before, it could end up a repeat of the last time.

I have been testing out the trigger (with OPk's because I keep forgetting to buy $ store tests) and this morning was very very faint, so hopefully tomorrow mornings' will show nothing and then when I do work up the guts to test, we'll know its not the trigger.

I did talk with C. to see if he wants to be home/with me when I test this month. (I usually sneak in a dollar store cheapie without him knowing and its usually right before AF shows her ugly ass, so that I don't crash from the disappointment so badly). C. says he'd really like to be with me when I test this month. (the month we got a bfp I woke him up at 430 am before I went to work, to make him look at the faintest bfp ever...... so faint that he told me not to get my hopes up and wait til I tested with something NOT from the dollar store..... then I tested that night while he was at work, and when the diggie popped up PG, I jumped in the car and drove to his job to show him. It wasn't the most romantic, exciting way to do it, but I couldn't have waited til he got home at 11 pm that night .....) So this time, I think he's hoping to be a bit more involved in it, and I'm fine with that, he can jump up and down with me in pure utter joy when we get good news!!!

As it stands now, I think we will test on Thursday morning as we are both off from work that day. That will be 12 dpo which may be a little too early, but hopefully not.

So here's to lots more wishful thinking, prayers and one great big GIANT BFP on Thursday. So if you have any extra baby dust to sprinkle my way I'd surely appreciate it!!

The slooooowest 2WW Ever!!!

2008-06-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

Okay-- its Thursday, and I'm 5 dp IUI# 1........ I do believe it is the most torturous 2WW EVER for me!!! Seriously!!! I'm already over analyzing everything, and I mean everything!!

I've been having alot of twinges and pinchy feelings especially the first 4 days after IUI. I've been having boob pain, which I Never Ever have....... I'm very tired........ Hmmmmmm...PG symptoms...............if your 10 or 11 dpo/dp IUI.......... not 4 or 5 days!!!!! My nerves are totally going to be shot by next week at this time (which will be 12 dp IUI), Lord knows how I'm going to make it through this wait!!

Luckily I have some crafty projects to work on. I'm making all the invites for my SIL to be's Bridal shower, so I'm excited to have that as a distraction this weekend. I also need to start shopping around for a decent airfare rate for my mom and I to fly up to NY in August for the shower. (Yay!!!! A quick visit back up to my old stomping grounds!!!! I haven't been home since I went up for my Bridal shower in 2004!!! Oh-- I take that back, I went up last March while my Aunt was very very ill in the hospital-- all I saw was the inside of a hospital for a week and a friggin Nor'Easter snow storm (2 1/2 feet worth)). Anyhow, then C. and I are looking forward to spending two weeks in upstate NY in October when my brother and his fiance get married!!! And all I can say is I better be knocked up OR ELSE!!!!! (see how easily I can distract myself TEMPORARILY about getting PG, but it always comes back to the heart of the matter).

I really don't have much else to write about today, besides my ass-dragging 2 WW and the fact that I should be 37 weeks PG right now.......or better yet, theres a damn good chance that I would have been a Mommy by now. (My EDD from our November m/c is/was July 13th). Its funny, now that I write that, I cannot decide whether it should say my EDD is July 13 or it was July 13 or it should have been July 13. I guess no matter how you cut it, they all suck because none of them are going to happen!!!!!!!

Today's random picture is of Baby Snoopy. Back when C and I found out we were PG in Nov, we had decided that if it were a boy, the nursery would be done all in blues and baby Snoopy, and if it were a girl, some funky retro style room with browns and pinks....... In my heart, I was convinced it was going to be a boy, and I now worry that if we do get our BFP this month, and down the road we find out its a boy, can I use the same stuff or would that be cheating our little angel out of what would have been theirs? I'm so anxious about that.......I guess I should just concentrate on my body letting my little one snuggle in and worry about smaller details later right? (Did I mention that Joann's fabrics has an absolutely adorable baby Snoopy Quilt that you finish off yourself?? It is so cute, and it has appliqued baby Snoopy's and Woodstocks.......I'm totally in love with it, and each time I'm in there, which quite possibly is atleast once a week, I have to force myself NOT to buy the fabric. I'm convinced its a bad omen or will mess with the natural order of things...... or worse yet, I could never ever get PG again, and then I'd have this ridiculing Baby Snoopy Quilt to make me feel worse about my failures as a woman!!

Okay--enough worry and dwelling. As I wrote before, this month is all about being a better person, having faith and doing the right thing to get karma to dance around you and bless you with a wee one. So back to that!!!!

IUI # 1 COMPLETE!!!!!

2008-06-14T17:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I survived IUI # 1!!!!!

Here's a recap of the day!!

I woke up bright and early, as I said in yesterdays blog, I had to go into work for 2 hours this morning before my IUI. So I woke up, got ready for work, said some prayers before leaving, and headed to work. I got all set up, got all four of my patients set up and dialyzing and started getting nervous as my relief coverage wasn't at work yet and I needed to drive 45 mins to my RE's office. (Meanwhile, back at home, C. was hard at work, trying to make his donation for this morning's IUI). C. called me at 6:45 am to happily report that his "donation" was done and ready-- I started to freak a little thinking he had done it a little too early and that I'd never make it the RE's office within the hour limit. ) I saw my work coverage pulling in the parking lot, reported off on my patients and ran out the door hollering to her on my way to the car.

I called C. and told him to be waiting with the sample at home so I could just pull up, grab it and get on the road. (C. couldn't go with me because he had to be at work at 9 am). So, as I pulled onto my street, and looked up towards my house, there stood C. at the end of the driveway ready to make the handoff (we had it wrapped in a warm towel in a little cooler). I grabbed it, got a kiss and said, "This has to be the most bizarre handoff ever right????" and off I went!

I made it to my RE's office in a record breaking 33 mins (it normally takes atleast 45 depending on traffic). I had a pretty clear ride, and luckily had some heavy footed drivers setting the pace in front of me, so we sailed at 70 mph alot of the way. I practically ran into the RE's office, signed in, and found NO ONE anywhere near the front desk!!! I started freaking, because I knew we were super close to the 1 hour mark. FINALLY, someone came out and I ran up to the desk with the sample, panicing, to let them know how close we were on time. The Andrologist took it, gave me paperwork to fill out, and off he went with "the package".

So, I sat in the lobby, with about 4 other couples, which was a little tough, as I was really wishing C. was there with me, but I managed, keeping my eye on the bigger picture. I brought a book to try to read to pass the time, but that was a waste, as I suspected it would be, as I read the same 3 pages about 4 times each, and still had no idea what I was reading. So then I put my Ipod on, and chilled out for a bit, while saying some of the Rosary, while trying to be discreet (I didn't want anyone to think I was loopy!!!)

Then, funny enough, one of the couples sitting across from me, live about 15 mins north of me and they were saying they were on IUI# 3, and if this didn't work, they were moving onto IVF which their insurance covered 100%. Boy, lucky them for that insurance coverage. Next to me sat and pair of girls, who come to find out, are a Gay couple TTC. This was IUI#3 for them as well, using donor sperm. At first, I was a little in awe, after hearing their plan, but then I kinda admired them after hearing their story, and how they "shopped" for their donor sperm. They even had a picture of the donor. I admired them for being brave to take this step, and for being so open about their journey.

The first couple were also very open about their journey thus far, and I admired the husband of the couple. He had gotten called in earlier to do his sample and of course, he HAD to feel all the eyes burning on him when he came back out to sit with his wife after he was done, he had to know we all knew what he was back there doing. He handled it like a trooper!! He and his wife were very open talking about his SA post wash results etc, and were very interested in the gay couples' journey. At one point, the husband even joked that with his good sperm count, he'd be a good donor, and maybe after his wife got PG, he'd make up a resume with his IQ and SA numbers, and of course his wife was giggling away and was a good sport about it.

Side effects of all the different meds we've been on was discussed, the hot flashes, the moodiness, the size of follies from various meds etc. It was actually refreshing to hear people be open and talk about their journey's and it just re-assured me that I'm not alone in all this. There really is a Common Thread in IF and how we are all linked together with the emotional and physical toll it takes on all of us......... Women and Men!!

So, at about 8:55 am I was called back for my IUI (of course they make you stop at the check out window prior, to pay your bill........ that was not the most fun $538 check I've ever written......thats for sure, but it sure will be worth it when we find our we're PG!!!!). So off I go to an exam room, I got undressed, hopped up on the exam table, armed with my Ipod for afterwards. Shortly there after my doctor came in (Dr. Z.), and I was happy he was covering for the weekend, and not the other Dr. (not that there was anything wrong with the other Dr., I just don't know him at all). Anyhow, Dr. Z. came in, I "assumed the position", and in went the speculum (or as I like to refer to it, the sideways tire jack), he threaded the cath in and v'iola, all done!!!! As he was doing it, he told me that C.'s post wash count was very good, "good swimmers". Dr. Z. finished and said "all done!" to which I replied "Thats it?? Wow, Wham, Bam, Thank You Maam!!!!" We all had chuckle from that, and then the nurse helped me re-adjust on the table to settle in for about 15 mins. Before Dr. Z. left I wanted some reassurance about C's post wash count, and its official...........C has "super swimmers"!!!!

His post wash counts were as followed:

Count: 147 Million

Motility: 60%

and All Swimmers were Moving Forward!!!

I'm so proud of C's swimmers. (When I called him afterwards I told him he's officially the "Sperminator!!!")

So, I put on some relaxation music, and tried to chill out. However, once I was left alone in the room, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I think it was the creshendo of all the building excitement and nervousness, and then knowing it was over and done with. (well, the emotional rollercoaster from Bravelle didn't help matters at all, as I've been crying every day since AF rolled in to town). I laid there and every time I'd start a prayer to God I'd start crying all over again! I finally made it through a couple prayers, finished listening to a couple relaxation podcasts, and decided the mellow music was contributing to my uncontrollable tears, so I switched over to some Live Dave Matthews, and that calmed me right down (Dave does that to me, I listen to him and I find my inner calm).

No one came to roust me, they let me chill out in there, so I laid there for almost 3o mins. I finally got up, got dressed, and headed out. On the way home, I stopped at a fruit stand (gotta love Florida-- there's always a produce stand to get nice fresh fruit and veggies at). and I picked up a nicely ripened Pineapple for my Pineapple smoothies for the next several days.

I had my first smoothie today, and I must say, that if your going to attempt eating Pineapple core, this is the only way to go....... I didn't even know there was any core in there after it was all blended in (I made mine with fresh pineapple, vanilla yogurt, a little crushed canned pineapple with a little of the syrup it came in, and some ice and orange juice and it was really yummy but gave me instant indigestion!!!!)

So, thats been my day! I spent the rest of my day laying low, doing pretty much nothing. I even took a nap, which I never do in the middle of the day. It felt nice to chill out, relax and catch my breath.

Now the 2WW begins, and mine will be filled with optimism, hope and of course prayer. I so hope this is it....... I just know it is, and we're gonna be getting really great news in 13 days!!!!!

11 Hours til IUI time!!!

2008-06-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

Jesus--
I'm soooo Nervous about this IUI tomorrow! I've gotten myself worked up enough today about tomorrow that I've been nauseous all day. My mind feels boggled and all I can think about is tomorrow.

I think part of me is nervous that its going to hurt like my HSG did last year. (my HSG was so horrible and I think has left me scarred!!!). The rest of me is nervous about this IUI not working and well....... I think its the money part honestly. You have to understand I am the biggest bargain hunter ever!!!! So to think about what else this money could be used for, solid sure things, spending it on the unknown is so scary to me!!! I need to stop focusing on that, and find a way to be at peace with it and move on with Positivity that this IS going to work.

I'm praying my butt off, my mom is praying her butt off........ I'm sure Craig is praying his butt off too.......... and when I finish this blog and take a shower, my last stop before bed will be lighting my prayer candle and saying the rosary.

I'm in the middle of loading some Relaxation podcasts to my ipod to listen to after the IUI, so hopefully that will put me in a good place after the deed is done!

I'm going solo for the IUI (could I say IUI one more time??) as C. has to work at 9 am....... I miraculously was able to find coverage for tomorrow at work-- I actually will go to work from 5 am until 7 am, then when my coverage arrives, I'll be truckin' down to my appointment (with a possible stop off/pick up from C. if that works out). Then I'll be laying low all day Saturday, hopefully letting everything snuggle right in!! I actually have a three day weekend (minus the two hours I'm working in the morning Sat), so its going to be a nice quiet relaxing few days coming up.

So, I guess thats it for now. Next time I post, I'll be in the mindset that I'm knocked up!!!!

Wish me Luck!!

IUI # 1 Set for Saturday!!

2008-06-12T10:30:00.001-07:00

I went for another U/S this morning, and my Lazy Leftie Ovary, believe it or not, stayed in the lead, and is my lead follie at 17mm today. So the plan is to trigger tonight, and IUI#1 is set for 8am on Saturday morning!!!!!

It seems we've tried so hard to avoid this route for so long, being as we did get PG on our own back in Nov (well, with the help of meds, but no procedures), but the time has come to finally go for it.

Being an Out of Pocket Payor for this, however has got my nerves on end. The thought of throwing $700 down the drain with nothing to show for it, is weighing a bit heavy on me. I keep thinking about what else we could do with that money. It should be paying for part of our trip to NY in the fall when my brother gets married. It could be buying us a new dishwasher. It could, it could, it could................. the list goes on and on.

What I NEED to focus on is that IT COULD make our dream a realization!!!!!!! I need to keep reminding myself of that. I'm trying so hard to stay focused on the positives and that it finally feels like after forever, that things are finally clicking into place for us this month. Meds are working, determination is paying off, and things are moving in the right direction.

So, thats the plan and I hope beyond all hope that this IUI works. The thought of rolling into my EDD month (July 13th) without being PG, seems devistating to me, and I pray we don't have to add that challenge to the roster of all our other challenges.

So stay tuned for diaries of a madwoman in her 2WW!!!!

This Is Dedicated To The One I Love.....

2008-06-11T17:29:00.000-07:00

So, today's blog is dedicated to the wonderful man I fell in love with 8 1/2 years ago, married 3 1/2 years ago, and am more in love with as each day passes. (you know he has to love me, when I plop a Sombrero on his head in shop in Mexico and he lets me take his picture!!!)

If you've read any of my previous blogs, you'll know we've had some added struggles the past few months that has added on even more stress and frustration to our TTTC woes. Last month was a really rough month for us, filled with extreme frustration, let downs, breakdowns, and feeling as though we were at wits end. We worked our way through it, regrouped, came up with a plan that would hopefully work for "US" and moved forward.

I started my Bravelle shots 9 days ago, went for my cd 9 U/S on Monday, and our original plan was for C to make a "donation" on Monday that would be washed and frozen as a back up. Well that plan fell through as my clinic said they were too busy with too many procedures happening and they couldn't do anything until today (weds). So, despite C. getting pissed and frustrated about the timing getting messed up for his donation, we again found a way around it, and he was able to get today off and he made his appt to drop off "said donation".

Needless to say, despite much worry, and my tummy in knots all day at work, I HAPPILY got a phone call at 12:30 from C. telling me Mission Complete, and that the donation was in route!!!!!! I was so happy I could have cried and almost did. It wasn't without a few events, as nothing is ever simple with us, as we live 45 mins from my RE's office (and there was no way C was going to be able to do his donation anywhere but at home). So he was driving down to the RE, and traffic was a real bitch, so he was getting a little panicky that he wasn't going to make it in time, and started getting a little heavy on the gas peddle and was zipping in and out of traffic. Well, while zipping through traffic, he looked in his rear-view mirror and saw a Sheriff car right behind him and he thought for sure he was going to get pulled over and have to try to explain why he was driving the way he was to a WOMAN Sheriff .........."sorry officer, but I'm speeding a sample to Clearwater and I only have 30 mins to get there!!!!!!". Luckily, the sheriff turned off and didn't pull him over!! Whew-- crisis averted!!

Needless to say, I'm dedicating today's blog to C. for the wonderful man he is, and for despite his recent troubles and frustrations, I want him to know how very much I love him and that my love for him grows more and more each day. Each day I think I can't possibly love him more than I do, and the next day comes and I somehow love him even more than the day before!

He manned it up in the face of adversity, and he got the job done. I am so proud of him and his perseverance and for believing in himself the way I believe in him.

I am so thankful for him and can't imagine one day without him in my life.

So, Baby, if you happen to read this, it wasn't meant to spread your business to anyone, but to let you know how very I proud I am to call you my Husband.

As always, "Baby, I'm Amazed By You".

Live for Today

2008-06-10T17:40:00.000-07:00

So I don't know if anyone watched Oprah today (and maybe it was a repeat, I don't know,as I usually don't watch her because the 8 million commercials drive me crazy), but today's episode was about people who have cancer and how they are choosing to live out their lives from the point they received the news about having cancer through whenever the end may be.

The first girl they showed was so inspirational. Her thought process was basically "We are all going to die someday, some sooner, some later".She stated "I think that life is just too sweet to be bitter. Once I was able to change my focus, desperation led to inspiration". When I heard her say that, I had a bit of a "lightbulb moment" if you will. I thought to myself, here is a women facing life threatening/ending Cancer and she has managed to dig down deep to find such enlightenment, and I'm walking around bitter about my inability to become PG. Atleast I have my health (well, besides my Infertility woes) and I am very fortunate to have a very close loving family and a great husband who loves me more than anything (and I love him just the same).

I thought to myself, when I consider the adversities that others are facing, are my problems really that bad?? When I think of it this way, in my mind I feel I shouldn't feel so slighted, like I have it worse than so many others. Can I immediately change my way of thinking? Probably not, but it is a goal I certainly can strive to move towards.

The past couple months, I've really changed my school of thought on alot of matters. Things I probably wouldn't have, had we not still been facing IF and the inability to have a lasting pregnancy.

The kindness of others around me over the last couple months has really shown me that there are ALOT of really good people out there and I've felt that since such kindness has been offered to me, that its my duty to repay that kindness to others as well. Thats how Karma works right? What goes around comes around.

I have so many wonderful girls I am forever thankful for and to, who out of the goodness of their own hearts have offered me help. Not only with support, but by offering me leftover meds that I would have been struggling terribly to afford had they not been so generous. For that kindness I am eternally grateful and feel so blessed to have been touched by their generosity.

So, in closing, my newest goal to work on will be trying to not be bitter about the cards IF has dealt me. I will remind myself daily to be thankful for all the blessings I DO have in my life. And of course, I will continue to keep my faith and hope alive for this cycle to be THE ONE!!

Added a New Blog!!

2008-06-10T10:00:00.001-07:00

At the urging of some of my friends, I've created a new blog.

its called: Sew Me a Memory
(http://sewmeamemory.blogspot.com)
or you can link to it from this blog!

I'm a quilter and thought it might be nice to share my craft with others for them to build memories on.

So please feel free to check out the new blog, and be sure to check back often, as I'll be adding pictures of other quilts I've made.

CD 9 Stims check...HURRAY FOR Good Progress

2008-06-09T17:35:00.000-07:00

Well,

I went in for CD 9 monitoring today. All good news!!

My lining is thickening up, and I have a lead follie on my right Ovary that is 11 mm and a lead follie on my Left that is 12 mm!!!!! In the past umpteen cycles, I've always had development on the Right Ovary, but never any on the left. I always refer to my Left ovary as my "Lazy Leftie!!". Well, so far, Leftie is in the lead!!! Waaahoooo!!! So the plan is to continue 150 iu Bravelle for the next three nights, and will return to my RE's for another U/S on Thursday. I imagine we will be triggering on Thursday at some point depending on whether or not we decide to do IUI, and then its go time!!! This IS going to be our month, I just really feel it deep down inside me. I'm praying so hard that this will be it.

So thats the update from "Operation Get Pregnant"!!!

I don't really have much else to chat about tonight, I'm pooped and ready for bed........ but, I do want to get back into the daily random picture as I've gotten away from that.........

These are a couple pictures of my Trumpet Tree out in front of my house (these are also known as Brugsmansia). The open up at night, and the smell that comes from them is incredible. You can smell them when they are blooming as soon as you open the front door. They actually hang down as you can see from the 1st picture, but I lifted one up to show how unique and pretty they are, not to mention how BIG each flower is!!!!!

Okay--

thats it, I'm off to bed, tomorrow is another day (and luckily a day I'm off from work!!)

Interesting Fertility Prayer

2008-06-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

In perusing the web today, I came across this while searching for Infertility Prayers, and man oh man, how true this is......
I guarantee that if you are suffering from IF/TTTC, you can relate to atleast 5 of these!!!

Here's the Prayer:

Lord, Give me Strength...
To keep my cool when another period starts.

To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.

To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.

To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.

To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.

To make the right decision about treatment.

To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

It's helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Infertility is...

Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.

Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.

Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".

Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.

Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?

Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.

You could have written this yourself couldn't you?? I know I could have!!!! I'm pretty sure that throughout my IF journey, I've heard every single one of these but 1 or 2!!! Atleast this lets us know we are not alone right??

Okay..... I'm better today!!

2008-06-06T17:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the meltdown in Wednesday's post! It was an overwhelming day, where I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, more so than usual. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still super sweating this cycle out and worrying my ass off every waking minute and probably some of my sleeping ones too).

Injectibles are going well.......as I drew up tonight's dose, my mind wandered (I"m in nursing, so meds come as a mindless thing for me to do) to how differently I view the injectibles daily shots as compared to last month. Last month, I'd start sweating it out about 40 mins before my shot was due, I was uptight and tense and cringed through each shot (after being meticulous about icing my tummy before each shot). This month, its all second nature, and I wondered to myself , why the hell did I have myself so uptight last month. This month, no stressing over the shots, no icing my belly etc. So atleast that part of this whole thing is making it a wee bit easier.

I go for my CD9 U/S and E2 on Monday, and I expect to have just about the same development at that point as I did last month, and then will hopefully be ready to trigger by the end of the week!!!

The other day my mom and I were talking about praying and that she felt it would be helpful to light a candle everyday (a prayer candle) and use it to reflect and pray for guidance and God's help to get PG this month. I did go out a buy a candle that I will do just exactly that with. I also came across this website tonight, and thought it was really neat. You can light a virtual candle that stays lit for 48 'virtual' hours. You can say a prayer or use the experience to reflect on things. Its really pretty neat. If you are a prayer, I'd suggest checking it out!

Here is the link:
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/enter.cfm?l=eng

I guess I'm going to cut todays blog short. I'm exhausted from working 5 11 hour days in a row this week, and I'm starting to fall asleep while I type this....... I really need to take the dogs out and get my butt today. The only thing left to say, is TGIF............

Tomorrow, I'll bring the daily randoms pics pack!!!

Awww..Christ........ I think I need a break from it ALL!!!!

2008-06-04T18:05:00.001-07:00

DISCLAIMER****If you are PG, and are reading this, please either don't read it or DO NOT Take personal offense to what I am about to write!!!
***************************************************************************
I seriously can't take it anymore.......

I swear to God, if I see one more person say they are PG, I'm going to LOOSE MY SHIT!!!!! I seriously can't take this anymore. I'm so beat down and feeling so hopeless about ever getting PG!!
While I am happy for my buddies on the TTTC board when they get their BFP's I cannot help but feel such envy and keep asking myself why does everyone else deserve to get PG and here I sit....... Not PG another month.

What is biting at my heels at a very quick pace is the fact that I should be less than 5 weeks from my original EDD for our little one-- I was due 7/13/08....... and here I sit all these months later with nothing........nothing but heartache......nothing but pain and envy, nothing but emotionally drained frustration and worry. I guess I' m just beat right down to nothing.

I feel like I'm so on edge and don't know how to stuff the angst back down. Even at work toay, we had girl filling in from another clinic, who is nothing short of one of those "I don't even know you, but I'll share my life story with everyone and anyone!!!" kind of people. Oh, and did I mention that within 10 minutes of meeting her, she informs all of us that she was recently kidnapped and carjacked, followed by the fact that she lives in a NUDIST COLONY!!!!!! I can't make this shit up!!!

So,I'm on the computer checking a few things and she stands next to me and here's how the convo goes:

Nudie chick: "So, do you have any children?"

Me: "Nope" and I turn away from her (obvious I don't want to talk about it right?) Nope!

Nudie Chick: "Well, I have one daughter who will be 18 in August. I always thought I'd have more kids that just her, but I just never did"

Me: Hmmmmm...... (then said a few curse words-- pretending I was cursing at the computer, but those words were meant for HER!!)

Nudie Chick: "Yeah, well, they say now, that once you are 35 or 36, you shouldn't even bother trying to have kids after that point!!!! Not much success and not such a good deal ya know!!??"

Me: SPEECHLESS and stunned....... for fear of telling her to Fu_k off, I stood up and walked away!!!

Seriously, if you don't know me, and what's going on in my life, just shut the hell up right??? Christ I wanted to pop her right in the chops and tell her to drag her ass back to her nudie camp!!!!

I'm just at a loss and I feel very alone on this journey. I feel like my husband is often detached from me, and thats probably because he has his own demons to deal with in this whole mission, but I just feel alone. He tells me I don't understand his issues, and perhaps I don't, but I'm trying so hard to understand and help him through it. He seems to just put up a wall and not want to talk about it or deal with it and that just doesn't seem to be working..........for either of us. I don't think he can even begin to understand the magnitude of what I am feeling (not just 3 times a month when he has pressure to perform) but every single minute of my every single day. I am so consumed by all of this that its just overwhelming!! I wish that Craig and I could switch places for a couple days to better understand how the other is feeling.......maybe then we could find an easier way through all this shit!!

Its not that I don't think anyone else understands. There is a board of women just as bad off (if not worse that me) on the message board I frequent, that know exactly the place I'm in right now. Beyond that, no one has a clue, not even my husband.

I'm praying..........alot! For God to keep giving me the continued strength to go on and not quit or give up. To not let this defeat me. I hope he hears my prayers and helps me and my husband......for this to be our month.

Everything does seem to be clicking in place timing-wise fo this cycle....... I got coverage at work for 2 hours on Monday for my CD9 U/S and labs, and I was able to trade days off with someone incase we do IUI and I need that day off for it.......... hopefully these are all signs that we are headed in the right direction with a BFP at the end of the road.

So, if you made it through this, I pray I haven't offended you by my comments, I just needed to get it all off my chest........ and find a way to breath through all this.

Sorry, no random picture to post tonight-- I'm not in a cutesy picture kind of place tonight.

And Once Again........We're Off!!

2008-06-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

Goofy Girl Jazzmine!!!!!

Harley boy when he was younger!!

Pearl-- Kitty with an attitude!!
Today's random pictures--- My Furbabies!!

Okay--

Cycle # 25 (twenty-FRIGGIN-five!!!!)

Christ!!!! Enough is enough already don't you agree???

Anyhow. when I got out of work today, I hopped in the car and drove 45 mins to my RE to get Bravelle they loaned me and then drove 45 mins back home. Traffic was a total bitch and on the way down, I called 911 on an asshole in a car in front of me who kept turning around and smacking the shit out of a young kid in the backseat who appeared to not be wearing a seatbelt. I let it go the first time I saw the asshat turn around and smack her, but after he did it again, I lost it.......and we're not talking one little smack, he was hitting her over and over again. I grabbed my phone and called 911, and they connected me with local police, and I reported it, gave them the make and model of the car, and the license plate. I trailed it for a little bit, but had already driven past my RE's office, so the police even asked what traffic lane they were traveling in etc, so I hoped the nabbed the asshole!!!!! I cannot stand people being mean to a young child!!! Discipline is one thing, but smacking a kid over and over and over is totally not okay!!! Fu#ker!!!!!

Okay--enough ranting about that!!

So, day one of Bravelle injections done!! It felt surreal before doing it, as it almost felt like I hadn't stopped doing them from last cycle. I guess maybe thats because my Clomid cycles always felt like an eternity with little progress..... and now stimming on Bravelle for 10 days a cycle has come quickly and lasts longer than 5 days of evil Clomid. Hopefully we'll have the same progress as we did last month and stay right on track!

It's amazing how quickly you fall back into the "stress zone" with each cycle that starts---- I just did my first shot at 6 pm tonight, and I'm already sighing every two seconds. I guess its a "tell" when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed......... I guess sighing is better than wigging out right?

In my final news, Craig has just informed me that the white chest hair he pulled out on Sunday seems to be multiplying at a rather quick rate!! He found another one that he pointed out to my yesterday, and the one he found today he says was "SUPER LONG!!" I don't really have the heart to tell him, its only the beginning, and he better start bracing himself for the not-so-far-off future!! I'll let him figure that out for himself!!!

Cycle # 25..... Here's the Plan!

2008-06-02T17:23:00.003-07:00

Random Picture(s) of the Day!

These are a couple of sunrise pictures from our trip at Easter time to St. Augustine Beach, FL. There is not much more peaceful in this world then starting the day at the beach, watching the sun coming up. As the sun comes up, your soul calms, you breath in the fresh ocean air and calm and clarity washes over you. I miss living on the beach. When we first moved to Florida from Upstate NY, we lived in Madeira Beach. The little cottage we lived in was right on an inlet of Boca Ciega Bay and a beach ramp was about 600 feet up the street from us. We'd walk over every night to watch the sun set, and let Jazz swim in the gulf of Mexico. Now we still live very close to the Gulf of Mexico, but its more rocky where we are, and not really beachy, but there is a wonderful beach about 20 mins away, and Clearwater Beach is a 40 min drive away, so we're still in a great spot, no complaints here!!

Okay, enough of that.

IF Reality check:

After three phone calls back and forth with my RE's nurse today, we have a plan in place. We're opting to not do CD3 monitoring per my RE (he felt I didn't need it last month, and everything was just fine with my progress through the cycle) so I'm fine with that (and thankful as I have a Crazy week at work this week-- I usually work four 10-11 hour days per week and this week someone is on vacation, so I'm working 5 11 hour days....... and those days start at 5:30 am....... so there's not much time to fit anything else in this week!!!

I start my Bravelle injections again Tuesday night, and will do 150 iu /night. I have to run to my RE's office (45 min drive) tomorrow when I get out of work, as I'm waiting on my Bravelle to arrive in the mail, and don't have enough to start tomorrow night..... so my RE's office is loaning me a few vials til I get mine and I'll pay them back the two vials once I get mine. I will go in on CD 9 for an U/S and E2 level and then we'll take it from there. We're on the fence with doing IUI, which we are definately leaning towards, and we're thinking about doing a frozen sample as back up d/t problems we've had the past couple cycles. We'll use a fresh sample should we be able to provide that, but it will be a big load off (no pun intended) to not feel hopeless as we'll have the backup ready to go.

So thats the plan, and I'm already praying to God, pleading my case, asking for His help and I sure hope he hears my prayers and helps us put an end to this journey. I'm so beyond ready for this struggle to be over.

You'll notice I've added some music to my blog, if you didn't notice, take your computer off mute! 8o)~

The first song on the player, is Journey's new song, "After All These Years". I heard it the first time on Ellen, and cried, and each time I listen to it I get all choked up. It talks about making it through alot of challenges in life as a couple.......its very moving and I predict it will be a big hit when it really hits the airwaves....... Its already won me over! The second is Jason Aldean, "Laughed until we cried" which I almost didn't put on the playlist, simply because it seems to almost have become the IF poster-child song if you will, but its still meaningful and if you've experienced IF, you can relate to this song and it almost gives you a ray of hope that maybe, just maybe, it will happen for you too! 3rd song is "Amazed" by Lonestar. That is "Our" song. We told each other we loved each other for the first time to that song, and it was our first dance song at our wedding. Everytime I listen to it, it makes my heart smile when I think about the joys in our life as a married couple.

Okay, I'll stop rambling now, but definately listen to the Journey song, even if you don't listen to the others......... it will move you!

Please Vote for Our Friend!!!!

2008-06-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

Okay--

I usually don't do this kinda of thing, but this would be soooo cool if they could win, so here it goes!!

A good friend of ours has been selected as one of three finalists for a chance to play live on stage with YES!!! But before they can win, they need VOTES!!!Please help them out.......they are are great band (with an amazing drummer, Chris) and this would be a chance of a lifetime for them!!!They are the third band, THE EIGHTFOLD WAY!!

Here the link:http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LmFkZGljdGVkdG9ub2lzZS5jb20vY29udGVzdC8/bmFtZT15b3VyLW1vdmUtd2l0aC15ZXM= You can vote 8 times a day and can vote every day through June 6th!!!At the very least, check them out at that link.....its goooood stuff!!!

This isn't some C&P from 100 other people, this is actually our good friend (actually Craig and the drummer, Chis have been friends for 30 years!!!!!!!!! Holy Crap!!)

So, I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to go vote!!

Thanks a bunch!!

Sunday.....Sunday

2008-06-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well, as you know by my previous post, AF is here, and therefore its the beginning of my cycle, so basically, there's nothing to talk about yet, besides the fact that I'll be calling my RE tomorrow morning, to put the wheels in motion for this cycle, and discuss doing IUI (and doing a frozen back up sample). Beyond that, it would all just be blah blah blah, my cycle, blah, blah, blah. Yes, believe it or not, I too have days where I just get bored with talking about my consumed IF life.

So, onto my random picture for the day. (actually pictures today). Last year when we bought our house, we ripped out all of the front landscaping, which you can see by the bottom picture (before). We spent 3 days cutting down shrubs and digging up tree roots and plants and more roots. Some of those shrub roots ran 15 feet across.......it was insane!! I spent a week researching, planning and shopping for just the right plants for the area, and then all by myself dug up and installed the pond. The middle picture is the garden one year ago, after everything was planted. The 1st picture, is one year later. Its amazing how fast and huge things grow here in Florida. When I'm not obsessing about IF, I really do enjoy gardening. Something about putting your hands in the dirt connects you with Mother Earth and soothes your soul. (now if it just weren't so damn hot down here, I'd be able to enjoy gardening through the summer).

Lets see.....what else.........

Oooooohhh....my poor Craig..... he was getting ready for work this morning and came out of his bathroom as I was busy sorting laundry and whining about it at the same time. As I'm carrying on about all I have to do today, he is holding his hand up saying, "Look!!" So I think he's being a smart ass and showing me the worlds smallest violin or something like that...... so I move in closer, and keep saying "What.........what are you talking about". To which he replies..........

"LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!! I was looking in the mirror and saw this and thought, thats a weird looking dog hair!!........ Well, its not a dog hair, I pulled it out of my chest and its a WHITE HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!" I couldn't help but laugh out loud!! Cruel of me you say? I think not!! I've been having to color my hair since I was 22, since I am blessed with premature gray hairs thanks to my Mom!!! So did I feel bad for him with one hair........ not so much!!! I personally wouldn't fret too much about it til I saw a white pubie, but thats just me! LOL

I guess thats about all........hopefully my RE will have some Bravelle to loan me to get me started tomorrow until my other Bravelle arrives and off we go!!!

Wish me luck for this cycle as I don't know how I'm going to handle my EDD in July if I'm not PG by then....... I think for sure I'll be crushed!!

Well..... the BITCH is here!!!

2008-05-31T12:40:00.000-07:00

For today's random picture........ My furbaby Jazzmine. She is my heart, and I love her so much.

I adopted her from SPCA when she was 5 weeks old (I couldn't bring her home until 6 weeks), and she has owned my heart ever since. She and I go back further than Craig and I do. If ever a dog were capable of understanding, its her. She is so much like me, its eerie. She has power struggles with Craig, and is sure to let him know on a daily basis that I am her boss (I hate the word master), and that she thinks SHE is 2nd in charge around here. I love her with all my heart and I make sure she (and my other furbaby Harley) get no less than 20 hugs and kisses each day!! (come on now, you know you hug and kiss your dog too..........)

Okay, so on to reality......

So much for hope and positive thinking!!! Yesterday @ 13 dpo the first signs of AF started showing her ugly ass, and now @ 14 dpo, the bitch has officially arrived. (and yes I confirmed not once but twice with TWO slap-in-the-face BFN's!!!!!!!)

I knew better then to really have much hope this cycle since our timing was on the shitty side, but for some reason I just couldn't help but continue to hold onto a wee bit of hope. I'm such a dumb ass. Everything else in this world I am an extreme realist about, I never get my hopes up, and rarely have high expectations about anything for fear of let downs or disappointments...... but this one thing in my life, INFERTILITY, I continue to have hope about month after month, as I dust myself off and pick myself back up of the floor, and gear up for yet another round.

It just gets harder and harder each month to keep going. Last night, I had a breakdown. Craig and I were getting ready to go to bed, and right in the kitchen doorway, I told him AF was on her way, another month and cycle down the crapper. Then I started to bawl. I told him I feel like I want to give up, like maybe he's right, that we just aren't meant to have a child. That I'm sick and tired of every extra dime we have I feel like I can't spend, and that every penny has to be pinched as we may need it for more meds, or tx's etc. Its just exhausting. Craig apolgized to me, like its his fault that this cycle didn't work.......... its not his fault, and I don't want him to feel burdened that it is. We are in this together and what is my problem is his, and vice versa. There is nowhere to lay blame except for in my stickin' ass body that doesn't want to work right!!!

So with that said, June's cycle looks like we're headed to IUI (and will hopefully do a frozen sample as backup just in case ahead of time) as the whole added pressure of on demand is not working out too well. So I'll be making phone calls to my RE on Monday and start the ball rolling.............AGAIN!!!

I guess thats about all for now. I'm having a hard time keeping my thoughts straight as we have someone pressure washing our driveway and gutters (for the last two hours) and all I hear is a motor running non-stop!!!! Ahhhh!!!! Good thing I'm heading out the door to a family dinner/birthday party soon!!!

So, stay tuned for the ongoing adventures of the Great Infertile One (aka me!!!!)

12 DPO..........and........

2008-05-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

So I'll start today's blog with a random picture again, just like my previous one. Its kinda fun going through all the pix in my laptop searching for a random picture that makes me smile and today this is the winner. This was from our trip to Sea World last summer where Craig, my mom and I met up with my cousin and her husband and kids for a day at Sea World. It was the end of June and in Florida the end of June=ass spankin' hot heat, but it was a great time none-the-less. This picture was at part of the park where you can buy sardines and feed them to the dolphins. They come right up to you and take the sardines right out of your hand!! It is such a cool experience and I love watching and interacting with dolphins so its tops on my list each time we go there.

Onto the reality of my everyday life. Today is 12DPO and.........not one single sign of AF showing her ugly ass yet!!!!! Usually by 12dpo, I'm starting to show imminent signs of her arrival, spotting, cramps etc.......nothing!! I don't want to talk too much about it as I'm afraid I'm going to jinx it. The only I keep thinking is that my body is playing tricks on me.

In past cycles (medicated with clomid) I was "O"ing late (like cd22 or 23) and then by day 30 of my cycle AF was arriving (giving me my normal 30 day cycle). However this cycle was my first one on injectibles (Bravelle) and I triggered on CD13 and O'd on CD 14, so this Saturday should be 14 dpo so I don't know if AF will arrive early or if I'll still have a 30 day cycle even though I O'd much earlier this month........ I'm just so tired of wracking my brain every minute over all this stuff , it just totally consumes me. I've been having the MOST bizarre dreams every night. Weird shit, shit that has nothing to do with TTTC, I guess its just my subconscious way of lashing out and I can't even have peace while I sleep. Every night I wake up from a crazy or bad dream, sweating, kicking off the covers, and thanking the heavens that it was only a dream!!

Oh well.......... I hope and pray all this crap will be over with some day soon, and I can move on to a whole different world of worry and wacky dreams!

Well, that is it for now, Craig and I are on a summer bowling league with my mom and her boyfriend and we'll need to be heading out soon for that so I better get a move on.

There Are Many Unexpected and Thrilling Surprises In Store For You!!

2008-05-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

I decided I'm going to start each blog with a different picture each day. It may or may not have something to do with my blog for the day. I guess it will depend on what mood I'm in and what tickles my fancy.

Todays picture is one I took a couple years ago when Craig and I were in Key West on vacation at a Butterfly Garden. It was like walking into a fairytale wonderland.......it was breathtaking to say the least!

So onto my daily rantings and ravings:

Craig and I got Chinese take out for dinner tonight. After we eat Chinese at home, we have this little goofy thing we do with the fortune cookies. We make a big deal of shuffling and mixing them up and then letting the other one pick which one they want. So I got to take my pick tonight. Here's what my Fortune said:

"There are many unexpected and thrilling surprises in store for you".

That sure sounds wonderful to me!!!!! I hope my first unexpected and thrilling surprise arrives by the weekend with good news on the ttc front!!! Wouldn't that be something!??

And by the way, I hate the taste of fortune cookies, (forgive me, but they remind me of gagging on communion wafers as a child), but Craig INSISTED I eat a piece of the cookie, otherwise the fortune won't come true....... so I did, but I didn't like it and washed it down with some iced tea.

So, I'm 10 dpo today. Its been a lazy day around here. Craig and I both had the day off. We started the day with the intentions of cleaning out our garage. By 10 am that was downgraded to going to get our hair cut and grabbing some lunch. Craig then went out back on our lanai to wash down the patio stone and clean things up a bit....... so that detoured us from getting our haircut. Craig finished that up, and we had some lunch and continued to enjoy a lazy day. I always say I can't stand to waste a day getting nothing accomplished, but it really is nice when I just slow myself down and chill out and relax. (don't get me wrong, I still feel like I waste a perfectly good day doing nothing, I just don't make myself feel guilty for it anymore like I used to!!)

Back to the 10 dpo stuff (sorry, I got sidetracked)...... I've been feeling pinchy twinges now and then, I'm sure it means nothing!! I've also had some burning nips, which again, I'm sure means nothing....... me saying that these things mean nothing is my attempt and not getting my hopes up, yet each time a nip feels like its on fire or I get a twingy pinch, I say to myself "see, maybe that DOES mean something!!!!!" Auuugghhh!!!!! the mental strain in the 2ww is just nutso!!

So, based on my fortune, do you think I have a shot at some good news coming my way very soon???? I sure hope so!!

Stay tuned!!

Let the Mania begin!

2008-05-26T17:50:00.000-07:00

so today I'm 9dpo, and of course I have no s/s of anything .........either way. Its just too early. But of course, you can't help but start your manic behavior at about this point. Each month I tell myself I'm just going to cruise through the 2WW. Ha........ how funny is that, that I try to convince myself of that each month, when I know damn well that by 9 or 10 DPO I start looking for signs. Today while at work, in the bathroom (its a private one person at a time bathroom) I even went as far as to whip my shirt up and look for anything that might pass for veins showing!! Seriously.......Isn't that absurd??

Its like you hit this point of the 2WW and you start going nutso looking for anything!! And like many many many of my TTTC pals, it gets so absurd that every single time you go to the bathroom, you have this overwhelming anxiety that starts building as you get ready to *wipe*....... "do I look for signs of AF or do I play dumb and avoid looking (cause if I don't look at the t. paper, then theres no chance of AF arriving!!!??)

Its all just so silly. As you saw from previous posts, you'll note that I had very little hope for anything coming of this cycle.......that was as my 2WW was just starting. Now here I am at 9 dpo, getting all sorts of crazy, and grasping at every straw in sight.

This, my friends, is how I get myself set up for MAJOR disappointment each month! Oh well, I guess you have to hold on to your hopes and faith any little place you can!

My 2WW is going by pretty fast!

2008-05-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

Well, its been a few days since I posted a blog. Unbelievably I am 8DPO today. The first 1/2 of the 2WW usually goes by pretty quickly, its the 2nd half that drags by. And of course, as each day passes, the worry grows and grows. It used to be an exciting anticipation filled with hope and wonder. That was about a year ago. Now its filled with over analyzation about every little twinge, pain, cramp etc that you feel. Having been PG once (back in Nov), it seems even more difficult for me, because each time the 2ww draws closer to its end, I start thinking back to the month I got PG. (When I thought for sure I wasn't PG. I remember the whole thing like it was yesterday!!! I was painting my bathroom and kept having weird spotting but AF wouldn't come. The Day I was finishing up painting, Craig came home from work, I was in tears, sobbing that I didn't know how much more of this heartbreak and disappointment I could keep doing without moving forward in treatment. Craig had told me then that we'd figure it out. We had credit cards etc for whatever our next step needed to be). The next morning, while getting ready for work at 4:30 am I said, the Hell with it, I'm going to POAS!! I did, and there was the faintest of all faint lines. I woke Craig up out of a dead sleep, and shoved the test infront of him and said "I think there's two lines!!!" He opened an eye as I flicked on the light near him, and just about blinded him, he said he might see something but not to get my hopes up until we knew better. He went back to sleep, I went to work and smiled like a teenage girl all day knowing that it was it. The next day I POAS in the morning and definately saw a second line, and then in the afternoon I got a digi test and it said PG!!!!!!!. Thats how clear the memory is to me. I remember everything about those days, and the days following as well, straight through my M/C. I remember every symptom, every twinge every little everything.

So it's easy to see how I would overanalyze everything since then in each 2ww. As I wrote in a previous blog, I don't really have a ton of hope, but stranger things have happened. So, I'm hoping that one of those strange little miracles finds its way to us this month. If it doesn't, I am prepared for it, and will be able to move on to our next cycle. I won't be thrilled about having to do injections in my stomach again, but I'm nowhere near giving up yet, so I'll have to endure what I have to.

Hopeful ......... or not.....that is the question

2008-05-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

I want to start out by giving a special shout out to Ariel for passing along a special award to me. A kind blogger award. If you've followed my blog, back in April Ariel kindly mailed me something to help me on my journey. It was part

of her kindness and paying it foward from another friend of hers. I've done my best to continue paying it forward as well. I just want to say Thanks to Ariel for being so sweet and thinking of me. I pray she continues to have a H&H 9 months!

In other news:

I'm torn and very realistic about this months' success. I honestly have little hope, but there remains a glimmer at least. Enough to ridiculously carry me into the beginning of next month. I'm already putting out feelers for another round of Bravelle, and hopefully will get my hands on some left over meds for a cheaper price than having to go thru a pharmacy. Hopefully we won't need them but I need to start preparing for that possibly sooner rather than later. Oh the ongoing joys of TTTC (trouble trying to conceive).

Other than that, I honestly don't have much to report in. I'm in the early stages of my 2WW, and its nothing but a waiting game at this point. Wait and stress, wait and stress. On and on it goes!

THIRTY FRIGGIN' SIX!!! I'm OLD!!

2008-05-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

Well, today is my 36th Birthday!!!
Crazy right? I think so!!! Where have the years gone??
Everytime I say how old I am today, I am reminded of an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie is celebrating her birthday out with friends who all arrive really late, and she is sitting alone at a table and a drunk girl behind her says "Twenty Five...... Fu_K, I'm old!!!!" Oh to be 25 again. I honestly don't think I'd want to go back to 25, not even knowing what I know now. 25 was a pretty rough time for me (honestly 22-27 was pretty rough, on and off) and don't care to relive most of it. Troubled relationships, loosing my dad when I was 22 (he was only 48 when he died), struggling to find myself, a teeny tiny bout of depression, some rowdy days, some sultry nights, and then finally, thankfully meeting the man I would some day marry at age 27........ finally at that point my life started to turn around .......for the better!!

Anyhow, back to present day and the real world!

I worked 1/2 day today, and am now sitting at home bored waiting for Craig to get home from work so I can open some presents and then head over to my moms for dinner, homemade banana cake and presents!

The past couple days have been pretty rough around here, and I'm not really going to get into it for personal reasons at this time, (and I have a few people who read this that don't need to know certain things about whats goin' on). But, today things feel a little better and today I feel as though a ray of light is shining down on my soul. It feels warm and nice and comforting. I like how it feels.

Two days ago, I was crying about 100 different things (again, thanks Injectible meds for making me an emotional wreck, among other things too). I swore I didn't even want to celebrate my Birthday. Each time someone asked me what I wanted for my Birthday, there has only been one answer I can think of........ I want a baby!! Nothing else matters, and silly little material things are just trivial and don't really matter two shits.

Its funny, last week, my mom asked me for the Birthday ideas list, and my reply to her was the same, "all I want is a baby". My mom who is a wonder at keeping things light but letting you know she cares as the same time, said to me "sorry sweetie, mine are all dried up and long gone" and then gave me a hug and told me she is praying every single day that we will get PG again soon. Every once in a while I have these fleeing thoughts that sometimes I feel like I want to get PG just as much for my mom as I do for Craig and I. I know that might sound silly, but its true. I so want to be able to make my mother a grandmother. The day we told her we were PG (back in Nov. before our M/C) she was thrilled to tears and within a 1/2 hour of getting the news, was comtemplating what she wanted to be called (she was running through the gammet of what Italian grandmothers are often called trying to pick her favorite (I think she'd narrowed it down to either meemee or nan). I pray one day soon, she will get to make her decision and be able to share all the love and wisdom she has to offer to so many to my child (her grandchild).

Anyhow, last night was a much much better night that the two previous, Thank GOD!! and it felt really good to just talk to Craig last night. We talked about hopes and dreams, our fears, our faith, and believing in each other and our marriage. We laughed a little, we cried some, and by the end of the night, I again was reminded that I am right where I am supposed to be, and that is with Craig. Together forever til the end........

Stims Check # 2!!! Yay!!

2008-05-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

So I already posted earlier, however I was so wrapped up in what I was writing about (and it got very long).

I had my Stim check # 2 today. Back on Monday, I had one 11 mm follie on the right and one 7 mm on the left, with about 10 other smaller follies. My E2 was a little low but apparently that was fine because when I had my U/S this morning the follie on my Right had grown to 18 mm!!!!!!! Thank God, man I was sweatin' it!!!! I was soooo worried that my follies were going to continue to mess with me and not give a follie worth a damn!! The U/S tech (who I adore because she is so kind) was very encouraging. She said my lining had gotten thicker and was excited about that, and then said "yay!! Your ready to go girl!! You've got an 18 mm follie!!"

So then we went out to the lab area, and we were waiting for Dr. Z to come out of an exam room to run my results by him. He was very pleased, and wanted me to do my trigger shot right then and there!! I started to get a little nervous as the nurse came around the corner with the Ovidrel shot as I had one at home sitting in my fridge that I'd already paid OOP for and I didn't want to get charged another $60 for another one. The nurse was great, and said, "Nope, Dr. Z. wants you to trigger now, so we'll give you one of ours and the next time you are here, just bring us yours, we won't charge you" Yippppeeee!!

Now, let me just tell you why I looooove my new RE, Dr. Z. After he reviewed my U/S results, he said to the nurse " U/S is great, right where we want her, she's ready to go, lets trigger her this morning, right now if we have a trigger shot." then he turns to me and says" Yep, your good to go, we'll do your trigger now, then Saturday night, Light up the Candles and Have at it!!" I burst right out laughing and then of course because I embarrass so easily, I turned about 10 shades of red!!! I love him!! He is so laid back and I totally feel confindant in his care and I truly believe this is going to be our month!

Okay, thats all, I'm off to bed, I have to be up at 4:45 am and at work at 5:30 am tomorrow morning......... Damn, I need a M-F 9-5 job so bad!!!

I Believe, I Believe

2008-05-16T12:05:00.001-07:00

So, for those who have read my blog, you'll know that about a month and a half ago, I posted quite a bit about my lack of faith, my "beef" with God, and my attempts and renewing my relationship with God and restoring my faith.

Its something I honestly have really been working on. I've been praying more, saying the rosary, and I feel I've been making some progress. All my enlightenment came about while on Vacation Easter weekend in St. Augustine, FL where one of the places we visited was called the Mission of Nobre de dios. I posted about it a while back. I sat in the little church on the grounds and I cried and asked God to guide me, help me find faith again, help me be a better person, and help my husband and I to achieve the one thing we truly yearn for, to be PG. Ever since that visit, I've felt differently about things and have a renewed outlook. Going to that mission, that chapel was the start of my renewal of finding my faith and trust in God. For that, I am so thankful.

I feel different, I feel a calm inside me and I feel as though God is hearing my prayers and is answering them.........and it feels really good to feel that way again. Its been a VERY long time since I've felt that way.

This restored faith was again brought to my attention this morning, as I sat in my car waiting to go in for my Stims Check # 2 (ultrasound and labwork to see if my $500 10 day dose of meds had worked). I was so nervous and I felt I need to re-group and once again, pray. So, I sat in my car and said the Rosary. Afterwards as I sat in the lobby, I felt such a calm wash over me. I wasn't nervous or anxious like I usually am. I had my u/s, got good news, and right there on the exam table, (while still having my internal u/s) Thanked God OUTLOUD. He is helping me on my journey. For that, I am so thankful!!

I was just sitting here on my laptop doing a google search for bible quotes that are related to PG, and found a sermon that someone gave. Its quite lengthy, but its worth the read. It renews my vies on faith and belief.

Here it is if your so inclined:

Romans, Pentecost 3A, Romans 4:18-25 a sermon on the faith of Father Abraham from Romans can be used for Galatians as well.)
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and from our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
The purpose of today’s sermon is to talk with you about faith. What God wants from us more than anything else is that we would have faith in Jesus Christ. The essence of the Christianity is that we would have faith in Jesus Christ.
This past week I have been thinking about the word faith, the word believe. I believe in Jesus Christ. I have of few illustrations of the word, faith. These are examples of human faith that is found in all people.
The first example is from when I was a child, so very long ago. Like a lot of kids who grow up, you have to listen to the music of your older brothers and sisters, and that was true of me as well. I listened to their music all the time. The following song is a song I learned in childhood. I am not going sing it for you, but I know the words well:
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.I believe that in the darkest night, a candle glows.I believe for everyone who goes astray, someone will come and show the way,I believe.I believe above the storm, the smallest prayer will still be heard.I believe that someone in the darkest night, hears every word.Every time I hear a new born baby cry, or touch a leaf, or see the sky,Then I know why, I believe.
When I was a young child growing up, I really liked that song. As the years have gone by, I still like the words to that song, because inside of my heart, that is the way I feel. I want to believe that in the darkest night, my prayer will still be heard.
When I think of the word believe, I think of a man by the name of Bill Sheridan. In the newspaper, there were three pictures of Bill Sheridan each with a caption under it. The first picture was Bill and his new seven month old twins standing on the third floor balcony of the apartment along with his wife. Flames of shooting fire and sparkling smoke were behind them. The caption beneath the picture was “throw the child.” The flames were crackling behind them; the parents were almost paralyzed with fear, and someone was shouting to them from below, “Throw the child. Throw the children.” The next picture in the sequence showed Bill Sheridan throwing his seven month old child into the air, and the caption beneath the picture said, “We will catch them.” The third picture was of the family, mother, father, two infant children, huddled together in safety, with the burning apartment in the background, and they were crying with joy and fear. There in that moment on the balcony, the parents could not go back to their apartment that was engulfed in flames nor did they like the option in front of them, the railing of a balcony with forty feet below them. That is the way often is: there is no other choice but to make a leap of faith. Likewise, that is the way it often is as you come to the end of your days here on this earth. There is no other choice than to make the leap of faith that God will catch you. Life forces you to take that leap of faith.
Or, when I think of the word believe, I think of the inner power of believing that is given to people who believe. For example, I think of that woman whose car was up on a jack that came out and the car fell on her husband. There was no one else around, and suddenly, there seemed to be new strength inside of this woman and she lifted the car by herself. The faith inside of her was more powerful than she had ever imagined. There is incredible strength when you believe. That is true of all human beings.
Social scientists have studied this added power and strength that comes from believing. The scientists create a now familiar experiment with two groups: one group that takes the potent drug, morphine and the second group which is told by the doctors that they are receiving morphine but are actually only receiving sugar water. Both groups experience relief from pain: those on morphine and those on sugar water, thinking the sugar water was morphine. Those on sugar water had been told by their doctors that they would experience physical relief, and they did. Research scientists again proved a fact: the power of belief. The power of believing happens in all human beings.
We find the power of believing in stories about war and combat. Scott Brady, an Air Force pilot flying over enemy territory in Bosnia, was shot down and he knew he would be rescued by his peers. He was convinced he would be rescued and that inner belief gave him strength to do what he needed to do to avoid capture by the enemy. There is power in believing in your mission. The opposite of such inner power is giving up or resignation.
The stories are endless: belief is a potent power available to us human beings. Those who believe have much more power inside of themselves than those who don’t.
What I am suggesting to you today is that the Holy Spirit transforms the power of human believing into the power of believing in Jesus Christ. There are similar parallels. That is, the Holy Spirit takes the power of human love and transforms that human love into a godly love. The same is true of hope. God takes human hope that is found in every person and transforms that hope into something bigger such as hope for eternal life. Likewise, God takes the natural faith or believing that is found in all human beings and transforms that human believing into belief in Jesus Christ. That is what we want to talk about today.
It is with these images that we hear the Word of the Lord. The Scriptures are filled with Bible verses about belief in Jesus Christ. The Scriptures invite us and want us to have belief or faith in Jesus Christ. The fundamental quality that God wants us to have is belief in Jesus Christ. We hear of God’s desire all through the Bible. We hear those words especially in the gospel of John and the central verse of the Bible, John 3:16. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son so that whoever believes in him will not have but have everlasting life.” Believing in Christ leads to life. Or, “If you believe in your hearts and confess with your lips that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, you will have life and life abundantly.” At the end of the gospel of John, “These are written that you would believe and that would have life in his name.” The whole gospel of John is an invitation for us to believe in Jesus Christ. The conclusion of the gospel of Mark says, “The person who believes will be saved.” The Apostle Paul writes often these words, “A person is justified or put right with God through faith in Christ, apart from obedience to Jewish laws.” Jesus of Nazareth said to the woman who child had just been healed, “Your faith is great and your great faith has made you well.” This is true of every single story in the gospels about Jesus’ healing: Jesus comments about their great faith. The centurion at the foot of the cross said: “I believe.” A famous quotation from the Bible is: “I believe; help my unbelief.” The cure that God wants to cure in all of us is our unbelief. The response that God wants from us is always the same: belief in Jesus Christ, faith in Jesus Christ, trust in Jesus Christ. … Not to believe in positive thinking. Not to believe that all will go well. Not to believe in the power of believing or have faith in the power of faith. No, God in the Bible wants more than that. We are invited to believe in Jesus Christ, to put our faith in Jesus Christ. That is the core of the Christian faith. God wants to transform the power of human belief in all of us into a personal faith in Jesus Christ, whereby we trust the promises that Christ has made to us.
We need to briefly examine the churches in Galatia, the churches in ancient Turkey, during the time of the Apostle Paul. There were religious people there in those days who didn’t get the gospel that God raised Jesus from the dead, that all our sins were fully forgiven by the death of Christ on the cross, and that we are to live a life of love. No, those Jewish folks didn’t get the gospel. And they also didn’t get what God wanted from us as human beings: not obedience to Jewish laws but faith in Jesus Christ. … The very core of Jewish morality was to obey hundreds and thousands of Jewish laws that said, “don’t’ do this and don’t do that.” We find this discussion in Galatians, chapters 2 and 3. What does God want from us? Obey the Jewish laws of the Old Testament, so they said. The Apostle Paul compared the Jewish laws of the Old Testament to a custodian or disciplinarian. Would you please imagine an English nanny having the care of three children, ages 5, 3, and 1. The English nanny and the three children go to the park and the English nanny is very busy saying, “No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do this. Don’t do that. Herding the children with her persistent warnings and negatives.” That was the way it was in the Old Testament. The Jews had all these laws and God was forever saying, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don’t do this. Don’t do that.” When Christ came, that was all changed. The essence of the Christian religion wasn’t to obey thousands or rules and regulations but to have faith in Jesus Christ. By having faith in Jesus Christ, we become children of God and we put on the clothing of Christ e.g. peace and kindness and gentleness.
But the focus is faith in Jesus Christ. What does that mean for us? What does it mean to trust the promises of God in Christ?
First, to have faith in Jesus Christ is to trust that Christ is with you no matter what, that Christ is with you to strengthen you for all circumstances. His name given at birth was Immanuel which means, “God is with us.”
Abraham in the Old Testament is given as the primary example of faith, of trusting in God, of trusting that God is faithful to his promises. Abraham and his wife, Sarah, were promised by God to be the parents of a new nation, of a new family, and their descendents would be as numerous as the sands of the sea and the stars of the sky. Now, that is numerous. The sands of the sea and the stars of the sky. But there was a problem: they weren’t getting pregnant and pretty soon they were old, approaching one hundred years of age. They were not getting pregnant and they were soon forty, then fifty, then sixty, then seventy, then eighty, then ninety, and they still were not pregnant, but God had promised that their descendants would be numerous as the sands of the sea and the stars of the sky. And that is what faith is: to trust God when there is no proof. To trust that God will be faithful to his glorious promises. And Abraham believed; he trusted God’s good promises. When a child was born to Abraham and Sarah at age 100, they named him “laughing boy,” because it was all a joke, they being so old and all. … Abraham believed and trusted in God, and in the promises of God, during all those hard and difficult years.
Faith is to trust God deeply in the hard times. Another example of this is from World War II. Cologne, France, had experience three days of saturation bombing by the Allies and people were huddled down in their bomb shelters for protection. On the walls of one of those bomb shelters were scribbled words that became etched into human memory: “I will believe in the sun when it is not shining. I believe in love when there is no feeling. I believe in God when he is absent.” That statement is ;profoundly true and is part of your life and mine. God has promised to be with us in all circumstances and we believe that God is with us to strengthen us in the nastiest of human situations.
I found another example of this in my old sermon files. It was a Tuesday, March 29th, 1977, and I was down at the hospital visiting Gary and Carolyn Spies whose child, Julie Anne Spies, had just been born. It was realized that this child had heart defects. That day, before I left the hospital, I baptized the baby and as I walked out the door, I mentioned to them, “God bless.” Mother Carolyn fired back, “Our child will be a blessing to this world no matter what.” … God said, “All things work together for good for those who know God, who are called according to his purposes.” And when life is cloudy and you can’t see because of your tears, God has promised to be faithful to you.
That is what faith is: to trust in God’s good promises for you during the tough times of life.
Secondly, faith is trusting the promises of God that we will live eternally with Jesus Christ. Jesus said, “Whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?” And the question persists today, “Do you believe this?”
One of the great blessings of life for me as a parish pastor is to be with people through their death. This has happened to me so many times in my few decades of life that I have lost track of all the people I have been with during the months and weeks and moments prior to their death. There is a similarity to so many of these people of devout faith in Christ and deep conviction that they will be joined with Christ when they die. I think of a lady by the name of Bertie Glennon who, with her daughter, decided that she was going to die in the home of her daughter. Hospice was called and they were in charge. Bertie had the back bedroom on her daughter’s home, and when I would call on her, it was like a queen was holding court. People, family, friends, children and grandchildren, would come into her bedside; she would hold their hand and have long conversations and say goodbye to them. Here was a woman who was totally at peace with God, totally at peace with Christ, totally at peace with death and her own death. Here was a woman who was totally convinced that God had raised Jesus from the dead and that she too would live with Christ eternally. She had a wall hanging over her, lovingly stitched, which said: “cradled in the wings of the angels forever.” Yes, Bertie was fully convinced that she would be cradled in the wings of the angels of God forever. After her funeral and graveside, I was standing alone over by a tree, and Bertie’s nineteen year old niece approached me and we stood there in silence until the niece said, “ I can hardly wait to get there and be with her.” This niece was also convinced that when she died, she was going to be with Christ.
It seems to me that this faith always involves a leap such as a child leaping from a ladder and trusting that he or see will be caught (e.g. in the children’s sermon for today.) It involves a leap such as Bill Sheridan standing on the balcony with the flames behind him and forty feet of air beneath him and he had to throw his child into the wind, trusting the person with the net below would catch the child. Faith involves a leap, a letting go. There was no proof that the firemen below would catch the child. There was no proof. And so it is with us: there is no proof that God exists, that we will be caught into the everlasting arms. There is risk. This all may be a hoax. This God may all be a big farce, a figment of our imagination and hopes. So there is this leap, this jump, this letting go. There is no proof that there is a God or that God will catch us. We believe in that which is not seen.
Do you believe and jump into the hands of the everlasting God? Or do you stand on the balconies of life, afraid of the fire in back of you but also afraid to jump into the future with God.
Faith is trusting that God will catch us when we fall.
The last thing I want to mention about faith is that we are to trust that all of our sins are truly forgiven and washed away. As you know very well, I am a very normal sinful person. I don’t do it right. Oh yes, some of you may erroneously put me on some pedestal, but I know my heart and the inner workings of my heart and the inner fantasies of my heart and the inner sins of my heart and the degree of selfishness of my heart. I know personally that for me to be save, it must be a gift from God so that God freely forgives me all of my sins and doubts. There is no other way for me to be saved but through forgives, freely given. And you are the same.
To believe in Jesus Christ. To trust his promises for eternal life and forgiveness. I believe. I believe.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.I believe that in the darkest night, a candle glows.I believe for everyone who goes astray, someone will come and show the way,I believe.I believe above the storm, the smallest prayer will still be heard.I believe that someone in the darkest night, hears every word.Every time I hear a new born baby cry, or touch a leaf, or see the sky,Then I know why, I believe.
I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord. Amen.

Nothing Really To Report In

2008-05-13T17:44:00.000-07:00

Today has been a pretty uneventful day. Craig and I actually had a day off together, which was nice, we don't get many days off together. We really didn't do much, just kinda hung out, relaxed, watched some tv, we took a nap (8o)~ which I particularly enjoyed since Bravelle is wiping me out these days. Not to mention I was having some pretty bad neck pain last night, which I attribute to stress (when I get stressed, the muscles in my neck and shoulders go into spasms and I get huge knots which press on nerves in my neck) so I took 1/2 a Flexeril last night, and I could barely wake myself up this morning and then I remained sleepy and groggy most of the day.
Bravelle shot #8 went fine tonight. I am praying so hard that my u/s on Friday will show good follie development, that my E2 will have come up to where it needs to be and that we'll be ready to trigger by the weekend!

Okay, thats about all I have to report in tonight. I'm off to bed, 4:30 am comes awefully early for work in the morning!

Stims Check today!

2008-05-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

So I went to work this morning at 530 am and worked with my patients until 745 am when my coverage showed up, and then hopped in the car and made the 50 mins trek to my RE's office for my stims check and labwork. The U/S tech there was soooooo nice, (such a huge differnce from the bitch at my old RE's office) although I found it odd that she didn't leave the room for me to undress (they have little alcoves to go in to "drop your drawers" and then you can grab a paper drape and make your way to the table. Now over the last two years I've lost alot of modesty due to my frequent dates with the "vag cam", however streaking across the room bare assed with another person in the room is still a wee bit uncomfortable to me. I'm used to being alone to undress, and quickly dashing to the exam table and dropping my butt and quickly covering up. Oh well....... one more shred of modesty out the door!!

Anyhow, the U/S tech said that my lining looked really really good (it was getting thinned out each month on Clomid). She said I have one lead Follie on my R ovary that is 11.5 mm and one smaller one on the left that is at 7 mm. Today is only CD 9, so I was pretty happy with those results (as on Clomid, I wasn't triggering until CD 22 or 23!!!) So based on the reasoning that follies grow 1-2 mm per day, by Friday I should be good to go with a lead Follie at around 19 mm (I hope and pray). So we finished the u/s and I went out to another area and had some STAT labs drawn (an E2 level --Estradiol level which measure your Estrogen level).

So later this afternoon a nurse called me from the office, and said that Dr. Z. reviewed my U/S and labs, and wants me to stay at my Bravelle dosage (150 iu /night) through Thursday night, and then I will go back on Friday morning for another U/S and more labs. I had been feeling really positive about the morning appointment and felt excited that I was progressing really well. So as I was review my instructions with the nurse, she started to bring me down again. She kinda implied that I didn't have very good development (again its only CD 9!!!!) and she also said that my E2 level was a little low.......... she didn't tell me the number, she just said we'd recheck again on Friday. So, per Dr. Z's directions, I did my shot again tonight. No problems. Thats atleast one thing I'm thankful for is that my shots have remained uneventful up to this point and hopefully they will continue to be that way.

I noticed something interesting this morning, while getting ready for work. Last night when I got into bed, I decided to say the entire rosary. I fnished, laid down, and within 10 mins I was out like a light. Usually I lay there restless and flipping and flopping trying to fall asleep. This is the second night I've said the rosary and slipped right off to sleep. Maybe its the opportunity to shut my mind off and only focus on prayer. Maybe its the calm I feel after knowing I've done something good by saying the rosary and strengthening my relationship with God. I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm going to keep it up as obviously its doing me well.

Its Mothers Day.........

2008-05-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well, its Mothers Day today, I should be 31 1/2 weeks Pregnant right now, and I should be waddling around with anticipation when my little one will arrive (my EDD was July 13th). Instead I am sitting here, dwelling on the fact that I am so far away from that right now, and it really and truly sucks !!!!! Its so unfair that I and so many other women want nothing more from life right now than to be PG. My birthday is a week from Tuesday (the 20th) and people keep asking me what I want for my birthday, and I want to holler that all I want for my B-day is a baby, or to atleast be PG again with a healthy, lasting Pregnancy. Everything else just seems so trivial and small, like it doesn't matter. Do I want DVD's or CD's or books or clothing for my birthday.....no!!!!!!!! I don't care about any of it.

The harsh reality here, is that I'm knocking on 36's door, and I ask myself every minute of everyday, when will I get my chance?? When will it be my turn. What if I don't get my chance?? Then what will we do??

Its so overwhelming and I'm sure alot of my emotions are multipled right now, compliments of daily injections to try to get me PG. It seems every waking moment all I can think about is "are these meds working?" "when will I get to trigger?, will it be sooner than my most recent disaster cycles on Clomid?" What it comes down to is a neverending stream of "What if's when's, how's and most of all I hopes". Its mentally exhausting to say the least.

I also now more than ever find myself constanting asking God for help with our cause. I can''t tell you how many times a day I say "Please let this work!!" When I say it I guess I'm not really directing it at anyone specifically, but when I really think about it, I guess I'm directing it towards God. I am putting all of my trust and hope and faith in Him and I hope that this time he comes through for us.

Other than that, the Bravelle is going well, last night was Day 5, and like all the other nights, it was uneventful (besides the stinging and burning that lasts for 10 mins after I do each injection) Tonight will be shot # 6 and then tomorrow moning I go for U/S monitoring and bloodwork. Those will determine what meds I'll continue to take. My hope is for maybe another two days of Bravelle and then go time with a little luck!!! I'll be sure to keep all posted here.

I should finish this up, my mom will be coming over shortly to celebrate Mothers Day with us, we'll have a nice dinner, tons of laughs as always and good times. I just wish that I were celebrating our sucess too. For now, I'll have to spend the day appreciating my Mother for the outstanding woman she is, and always has been, I've always said "If I can be 1/2 the mother to my child that my mother was/is to me, I'll be a thriving success as a parent." I pray I'll get that chance very soon.

Sooooo tired!

2008-05-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying that I'm pooped!!

I don't think I even slept 30 mins last night!! I rolled into my favorite sleeping position at about 10:30 pm, and was looking and the clock every 20-30 minutes. At 2 am I really started to get annoyed and by 3 am I was ripped mad! I rolled over and there was my husband WIDE AWAKE!! Neither of us could sleep!! And let me tell you, when you have to be at work at 5:15 am, and its 3:15 am and you still haven't slept, its not a good place to be in!!! I think I finally dozed off right before the alarm went off at 4:30 am, so lets just say I felt like a walking zombie at work today. And, no I don't have a desk job where I can muttle through..... I work with patients from 6:15 am on. Luckily my day was cut short as our patient census was lower today, so I went home at noon today (still almost 7 hours on no sleep) but better than being stuck there until 4 pm today!! Needless to say its just about 9 pm and I'm very much ready for bed. Craig and I were talking about our sleepless night a little while ago, while getting ready to eat dinner and it dawned on us that we both drank alot of caffeine before bed last night. I had a Pepsi, which I haven't had in atleast 6 months, let alone @ 7:30 pm!!! Craig was no better, as he drank a diet coke (which he never drinks anything with caffeine that late either!) So hopefully we'll both sleep like rocks when we head to bed soon!

Tonight was onto Bravelle shot # 4. Uneventful, just like last night. Its not nearly as big a deal as I anticipated it to be. However, I simply cannot stop certain thoughts from running through my mind as I prep each injection. And that thought is "I never ever thought it would come to jabbing myself with needles every night". But as I've said many times, I'm more than willing if it gets us Pregnant!!

One one last note, I want to briefly talk about a blog that I came across today. It is heartbreaking about a couple who had a baby, and the wife died shortly after having the baby. Her husband has been posting a daily blog. I cried today reading his blog and seeing slide shows of the baby. It is an eye opening reminder to live each day to the fullest and to love and appreciate the one you are with every minute of every day. I encourage you to check out his blog:
http://www.mattlogelin.com/

Okay, thats about it for me, I'm ready to head to bed!!

Emotions Running Wild!

2008-05-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

Day 3 Bravelle shot complete!!! Uneventful. Tonights' shot didn't hurt as bad as last nights. And a weird thing about that..... last nights shot hurt like heck but I don't have a bruise on that side but I do on the left from night #1. So it should be intersting to see if I have a bruise tomorrow from tonights shot on the left side again.

I had high hopes to not be so emotional on injectibles like I was on Clomid, but I guess thats not going to be the case. Earlier this afternoon, I wanted to cry at stupid things I saw on TV, and I thought to myself, well, better that than being a moody crab ass. Well about 90 mins later, I was sooooo grumpy I was miserable. Luckily I was able to pull myself out of that mood before Craig got home from work. This whole ride is tressful enough without having to get into stupid arguments over nothing so I'm going to do my best to not let that happen.

In non-IF news, I finally made my fabric covered headboard today. It came out soooo pretty! I'm so proud of it. I'll have to post a few pics when I take them and load them.

I guess thats about all I have to report in today. Nothing else exciting going on. I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday and that I have the weekend off. We're having my mom over to celebrate Mothers Day on Sunday, so I'll have a busy weekend cleaning and working on a few projects.

And speaking of Mothers' day, how I wish I was still PG and would be like 9 weeks from my EDD. That would be soooo nice instead of being in the middle of shots to the belly every night.
Oh well....... all I can do is pray for the best results from all our efforts this month. Lord, Hear my Prayers.

Bravelle.......the Mini-Series

2008-05-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

ha ha ha.......
the title for this blog just popped into my head. Thats what this week has felt like already, a whirlwind of sorts. It almost feels as though I'm watching all this from the outside. Like I'm doing all of it, going through the motions, but watching it all happen. AF arrived Sunday, I called my RE Monday to confirm my med dosages, schedule labs and U/S all while I was at work, stressing and arranging to get my last box of bravelle shipped to me by Weds (after calling several mail order pharmacies to find out that 4 itsy bitsy little vials of Bravelle (enough for two days) would cost me $230, all out of pocket, (thanks shitty insurance!). Luckily for me, I found someone selling some leftover meds and managed to get my hands on a box of Bravelle for $75 plus $11 shipping. BIG BARGAIN for us. It really does seem that things are working out quite well so far as well as timing, and getting meds etc. Tuesday while again working, I got ahold of Freedom Pharmacy, faxed in my script for Ovidrel and arranged for that to come to me at work and made it through my day. Today while once again at work on the clinic floor, I sighed my first breath of relief when my Ovidrel arrived from Fed Ex. Then my second sigh of relief came when the Post office delivered my COD box of Bravelle, I opened it to be sure it was the real deal and paid for that. A whirlwind............ for certain.

Tonight was Bravelle shot number two! Last night my nerves were rattled, as your aware if you read yesterdays blog. Tonight, a piece of cake!!! My nerves were calm (probably because my husband was home which distracted me up until shot time. I breezed through drawing up my injection, no problems at all. Tonights target was to the right of my belly button (last night was the left side). Apparently the skin on the right side must be alot tougher, because I had a hard time getting the needle in. It went, but it didn't glide in like last nights did. And man does that stuff sting like mad........ and burn like my stomach is on fire afterwards. I'm not complaining by any means, since I believe this will be the month we get PG!!!

I do have a bruise from last nights injection, so I imagine I'll have a bruise tomorrow from tonights as well. I imagine by the end of it I'll have a circle of bruises around my belly button! Won't that be pretty!!! I don't know if its my imagination or what, but most of today I have these little noticable pains where my ovaries are, on both sides. Maybe its these big fancy meds waking my tired ass ovaries up and making them work!!! Speaking of tired, I think these meds are making me pooped! I was ready for bed at 8 pm but I'm fighting to stay up until atleast 9 or so.

I guess thats about all for now. Oh..... on the faith and prayer front, I spent about 30 minutes last night saying my entire rosary and offering up some prayers which included sucess for us this cycle, strength and improved health for my aunt who is now battling breast cancer (after beating an extreemly rare form of lymphoma on her brain and is now 100% lymphoma free) and of course I said some prayers for my TTTC nestie girls as well. It feels good to take some time to process my feelings and feel like I am once again connecting with my faith in God.

And So It Begins!!!

2008-05-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

Well, AF arrived on Sunday, which was CD1. I called my RE on Monday morning to schedule U/S and Labs and to confirm my injectibles dosages. So today, Tuesday 5/6/08 is CD3 and day 1 of Bravelle. I am doing 150 iu at night between 6 pm and 9pm. I have to admit that I had a pretty good case of the nerves going about 2 hours before Injection time. So much so that I began racing around the house trying to think of things to take my mind off "shootin' up". So I gave both dogs a bath (no easy feat-- one is 55 pounds and one is 85 pounds-- usually Craig and I tag team bathtime). Then when they were sqeaky clean I decided to color my hair. By that point my nerves were rattled enough to make my Mitral Valve Prolapse kick into gear a bit and I started getting the racey heart thing going to boot. So I re-watched the Bravelle video online to re-assure myself I knew what I was doing.

The one thing I think I was bummin' about was the fact that Craig wasn't home tonight for my first dose. Totally not his fault, beyond his control, I'm sure he'd much rather have been home with me to support me rather than closing the restaurant tonight. Not that I needed him to do my shot or anything, I think I would have liked having his moral support more than anything else. Craig is my calm. When I get a little crazy-whacky, he grounds me and reminds me I am capable and I can get it done.

Fast forward to 7:40 pm and I said to myself "Self----Its Go Time". I gathered all my supplies, and headed into my bathroom (which I had manically scrubbed down and disinfected an hour before shot time). Just like back when I had to give myself my first Ovidrelle shot back in the fall, as soon as its Med time, I kick into "Nurse Betty" gear and my nerves disappear and I just got to the task at hand. I guess thats where working in the medical field for the last 15 years comes in handy.

I mixed my Bravelle with the 0.9% NS (1 ml of NS with two vials of Bravelle). No problems, a piece of cake actually. Then it was shot time. I must admit, that I did go the wimpy route and ice before injecting my shot, and I'm glad I did. Bravelle stung and burned like a mo'fo!!!! Zowie!!! And it burned for a good 10 mins post shot to it!!!!

So thats it!! I have a date with Bravelle for the next 5 nights @ 7:45 pm!! I am praying so hard that this is going to be our cycle. I just feel this is going to be it. I feel it in my heart. I'm going to try to start doing some things this cycle that will be good for my soul and my mind and my faith. I'm going to pray every night ( I already do but will so even more at this point), I am going to remain calm and unstressed. I'm going to let everything roll and let nothing push me over the edge. I'm going to eat healthy fruits for snacks and will of course be hitting the pineapple after O day! This is it!! Come the beginning of June we WILL be getting wonderful news!!!!!!!

For this I hope and pray.

Memorial Garden

2008-04-27T06:30:00.000-07:00

So, after I had my M/C, I received something very very special in the mail from my two Aunts and my two Cousins. It was the most beatiful garden angel with a little bird perched on its arm. (they know I love to garden, and thought it would be a special way to remember our little angel that went to heaven). I sobbed the day I got it. That was back in December. Up until yesterday, I still hadn't created a garden to put her in. Part of me didn't want to put her outside and expose her to the elements and I think deep down the other part of me was thinking that by creating this garden it would again drive home the finality of our loss. So, for the past 4 1/2 months, she has sat out on my lanai. Everytime I was out there, I'd stop, look at her, and think about the love and support I have from my family.

So, yesterday (Saturday) I hopped in the Jeep and headed off to Home Depot to shop for some special flowers to create my memorial garden. I agonized over each plant I picked for in there. I chose several different rose bushes, then would put each of them back, until I found a very pretty one that "felt" like the right one. I chose my colors carefully, only picking the ones that again, "felt" right. Then I headed over to Lowe's to check out their selection of flowers, and did the same thing with the rose bushes. I kept walking around and around all of them, and couldn't find one that "felt" right. Until finally I came back around (for the 3rd time) to find a very beautiful pink rose bush. I could smell it before I even picked it up. I knew it was meant for my garden. As I made my way to the register, several people commented on the beauty of that rose bush, stopping me to admire it and take a smell. It was so pretty, that it even stopped a few ladies in their tracks as I was making my way to my car. As they walked away, the girl said "Oh grandma-- that was soooo beautiful!! ! Wow!!" I smiled as I knew I had picked the right one. So I loaded up my new rose bush and the few other flowers I had bought, hopped in the car to head home. I made it to the edge of the parking lot, and started crying. The kind of cry that totally ambushes you, the kind you don't even feel coming on. I was flipping through the radio stations at a red light, and WHAMMO!!! I cried about how PG I should be right now **28 weeks** (too PG to be planting a garden), I cried about what was taken from me, I cried about the finality of creating this garden and what it represents. I cried.......... all the way home.

Needless to say, I got a grip, and created my garden yesterday. It is gorgeous. I love my garden angel and what she represents. And although my little angel is no longer growing in me, its spirit will be able to grow for years and years in the garden I have created. Today, I am at peace with my new memorial garden and am so pleased I created it. Everyday I will take time to admire and appreciate it in all beauty and meaning.

"I Carry Your Heart"

2008-04-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

So I came across this poem a while back (while watching "In her Shoes" I think it was ) and was moved by it then, and something made it pop back into my mind the other day again. I always thought it was about love for your mate.......plain and simple, but then when I re-read it, it made me think about my M/C and the little angel I lost. These words ring so true for my angel. I carry my little one in my heart. Everywhere I go, everything/everyone I see, I think about what my life should be like right now. I should have a nursery ready for our little one, I should only be a few months away from welcoming our angel into this world. I long for all these things so badly that it sometimes it hurts to breath. They always say Loss gets easier over time, but I don't really think I agree with that. Losing my baby is no easier today, than it was 4 1/2 months ago. I still cry when I'm alone, I get envious of others with adorable baby bellies, I still get angry that my baby was taken from me...........the only thing different about my emotions 4 1/2 months later, is that I've HAD to learn to cope with them in order to function each day. I'm not even PG again yet, and I worry constantly about the "what ifs" and the "I'm afraids" in regards to M/C. Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach with worry.

Anyhow, I could go on all night about my pain, hurt, emotions of the M/C, but I won't! I'll end this blog how it started, with this poem by E.E. Cummings.

i carry your heart with me

I carry your heart with me(I carry it inmy heart)
I am never without it(anywherei go you go,my dear;
and whatever is doneby only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the budand the sky of the sky
of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)
ee cummings

More Random Acts of Kindness

2008-04-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

Well, a few weeks ago, I wrote about karma and acts of kindness from people I don't even know!

And here I am, about to write about it again. Simply put, I am amazed by the generosity and kindness of some wonderful women I don't even know. First it was Kittylove from the TTTC board that I frequent. She "paid it forward" with offering me something I was in search of, and I was overwhelmed by her kindness.

So that brings me to today. Something beyond giving and generous arrived at my house today. After my appointment with my new RE last week, and the development of our new plan of attack, I made a post on the SAIF board on the Nest, asking some questions about the new injectible meds I'll be taking. Yet another girl out of the kindness of her heart, offered up some encouragement by answering some of my questions, and then offered left over meds that she had.

I cannot even put into words how much I appreciate her generosity and her kindness. My husband and I were sorta prepared in knowing our next step was going to be injectible meds, and we knew that meant quite a chunk of money too. We know that we may only be able to do one or two cycles of injectible meds due to the cost. So you can imagine how much these donated meds means to me. Its a major load off my chest, and has saved me close to $500 that would have been all Out of Pocket as my insurance doesn't cover injectible meds for IF.

So, "teeveegirl" if you happen to see this, please know I will be forever grateful for your kindness and generosity. I wish you a very H&H 9 months with your little ones. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Know I am doing my best to pay it forward as others have done for me. (I won't get into the ways I am doing so right now, as I'm trying to keep it under wraps right now, but will post about it at a later time (when the project is completed and the intended receiver has gotten the finished product).

One other thing I am taking away from my experiences these past couple weeks, is reminding myself throughout each day to be kinder, to be more giving and to be more patient and understanding. What goes around comes around..............

Great Appointment!! So encouraged!!

2008-04-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

so I went to my first appointment with my new Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday. I LOOOOOVE Dr. Z!!! He is as his picture appears to be on his website ( http://www.thefertilityexperts.com/page.cfm_id=5.html ), he is very calming, and made me feel very comfortable as we sat and talked. He is kind, yet AGGRESSIVE and that is what I feel I need at this point! (I mean lets face it folks, I'm not getting any younger and 36 is right around the corner (next month!!!) Anyhow, we talked about how I've been at this process a while now, and yes I did get PG, but lost it. We discussed the fact that I've taken quite a few doses of Clomid in the past 23 cycles, and that I feel that it is not working very well for me anymore. Each month since the M/C it seems to hinder Follicle development (or rather slooooows it) and it makes me wonder about egg quality once we finally get to trigger late in each cycle. Dr. Z seems to agree with me on that matter, and also asked me if my old RE ever mentioned the fact that my lining was showing some thinning on U/S, which they DID NOT EVER MENTION!!! Dr. Z feels that the possibility of a thinner lining could hinder getting PG and can also cause one to M/C......
He told me we could technically try clomid a couple more cycles since after actually getting PG, you can re-start your clomid cycles again with some efficacy (however I don't think thats my case).

So, after talking more, we decided that its time to get more aggressive and not waste anymore time. We talked about moving onto injectibles. I did inquire about the possibility of getting in on some kind of study (due to the fact that my insurance won't pay a dime for any IF meds). He unfortunately told me that if I were 34 he had a study I could get in on, but since I'm 35, almost 36, that the study option wasn't there. (crap crap crap).

Dr. Z. also did let me know that with moving to injectibles, our chances of twins will increase to 25%, and multiples beyond twins is 8% I believe. Craig and I talked about this possibility and we are okay with that. (its a scary thought, but I don't know that I can go through this IF journey more than once (mentally or financially for that matter). I figure if God feels we should have tiwns, then that is what we will be blessed with, and will handle whatever we are dealt.

So we have a new aggressive plan. I will do Bravelle injections starting with cd 3 and then will go for an u/s and labs on cd 8, and see what we have for follie development. Yay for progress and moving forward, boooooo for the cost of meds........ for a 10 day supply, we are talking $600 -$700!!!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so positive about moving foward with this (and so does Craig). I will be saying many many prayers in the coming weeks that we will get lucky on our first month with these meds, as I don't know how many months we can actually afford to do it. I guess where there's a will there's a way.

For now, I feel extreemly encouraged and hopeful. I'm not thrilled about daily injections in my stomach but I am willing to do what it takes to get us there. Hopefully Craig feels the same way. As always, he supports my decision, and I know he wants this as bad as I do, and I believe together we'll have enough faith and hope to get us through this!! He and I are a bit different with our coping skills. I tend to attack things head on, he tends to keep it a little more to himself, but as in the past, we tend to balance each other out pretty darn well.

So, thats our new game plan, and I just know we are finally going to get back on the right track. Switching Doctors was THE BEST thing I could ever have done for my mental sanity and well being. I feel great about a fresh outlook from a new Doctor.

The most encouraging thing the Dr. said to me right before I left was "Look, your a healthy woman, your PCOS is being managed very very well with the Metformin, your husband has no problems, YOU ARE A VERY EASY PERSON TO GET PREGNANT!!! Music to my ears!!!

YAY!!!!!

Flashback Triggers.......

2008-04-15T15:30:00.001-07:00

So my mind has been racing today, as I had plenty of time to mull things over and over and over on my 45 minute drive to my old RE to pick up my records, and then again on my 45 min drive back home. I didn't do myself any favors by reading my records in the car after I picked them up, because my struggle then just ran through my head over and over. Its amazing how when you are dealing with IF, it honest and truly consumes your entire life. It is a constant in my mind.

So, if my miscarriage and IF struggles weren't already weighing on my mind today, I went into the grocery store to get Craig a sub for his dinner. As I stood there waiting, my mind wandered. It wandered to the day after I found out we had no heartbeat when we went for our U/S and we were in the same store, grabbing a few things at the deli, while I was in limbo waiting to see if I'd m/c on my own. Well, I did, and it started right there in the grocery store. Craig was waiting to order, and I felt a gush and had to go running to the bathroom, and then and there my m/c started. I went running out to the car and sat on plastic grocery bags as I was worried about ruing the leather seats in our car. Its amazing how doing nothing (aka waiting in line to order a sub) triggered me back to the day I started m/c'ing and sent me through all the emotions of that day. I don't think I'll ever forget that day and I hope I don't ever have "that" day ever again!!!

So on a more positive note, my new RE appointment is tomorrow morning at 10am. I'm about to make a list of questions to ask my new RE and I'm very very hopeful for a step in the right direction. My new RE participates in alot of studies (inc. drug studies) so I'm praying this will be our saving grace treatment-wise (I have no med coverage except for my Metformin) so I hope and pray there will some help for us. I'm not getting any younger thats for sure--- I'll be 36 in May!!! Shit!!!

So I guess thats all, I'll update tomorrow after my appointment. Wish me Luck!!!!

Off Topic.....

2008-04-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I usually keep this blog geared towards my TTTC woes, but since I'm kinda sorta in limbo this cycle (we are trying on our own) I don't have much to talk about! I do have my appointment on Weds with my new RE. I'm excited to meet him and hopefully walk out of there with a new plan of attack!!

So in the meantime, I'm keeping myself very busy around the house!! Friday I went to Home Depot, and picked out new paint for our bedroom! Saturday, as soon as Craig headed out the door for work, I got crackin' on cleaning out our bedroom and got started painting! I somehow managed to finish all of the painting except the trim by early evening ! It looks sooooo pretty!! 3 of the walls are a warm sage green, called "Olivine" by Behr, and one accent wall is a deep chocolate brown, called "Revival Mahagoney". I looooove it!!!! I actually bought new bedding for our bed about TEN MONTHS AGO, and refused to put it on the bed until we got the room painted. So I put it all out last night and it looks fabulous!!

So today's project (Sunday) was to go shopping to get supplies to make a fabric covered headboard! So I went to Home Depot, and got the plywood I needed, and they cut it to my specs, so yay-- I don't have to get the jigsaw out!!! Then I went to JoAnn's and found very pretty fabric to cover the headboard and I planned my shopping well, as all the home decor fabric was 50% off this week so I got a great deal on that as well!! I intended to get cracking on that this afternoon, but now that I've sat still for five minutes to catch my breath, I'm thinking it may wait a day or two before I get started on it.

So thats about all thats happening around here. I'll be sure to post more after my appt with my new RE, Dr. Z on Weds.

Off We Go!!

2008-04-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well.......
Progress!! I called the new RE's office first thing this morning, and I'm super excited, they can get me in next week!!! I was a bit nervous as I've heard alot of girls having to wait 5-6 weeks to get in to see a new RE. They could have seen me on Monday but I have to work so we went with my next day off!! I then immediately called my old RE's office, and faxed them a request for all my records so I can have those to bring to my newRE. When I started my search on Friday and came across the new RE, I read his background, and looked at his picture, he looks like a caring, gentle soul. So I hope my first impression of him is right. After all the bullshit and being made to feel like my care was 2nd rate because I wasn't spending $15K at their office, I could really use a new Doctor who doesn't make me feel like that!! So keep your fingers crossed for me that this will be a great move in the right direction!!

On a seperate note, a wonderful girl from the TTTC board showed me today how truly kind and caring some people can be......that there are generous people out there, who are willing to give and really get nothing out of it. She generously offered to help me out with something, and I'm sure has had to go out of her way in her day to help out someone (me) that she has never even met before.......... I hope she knows what a wonderful person she is for being so kind. I am a firm believer in Karma, and I'm sure that her good deed towards me will come back around and bless her with the good fortune that she deserves. So, KittyLove, a great big thank you to you for your kindness!!!

okay-- I better wrap this up and walk the dogs and head to bed, as I have to be at work at 5 am tomorrow! Blech!!!

Ohh-- one other thing, I was feeling crafty tonight, and made a couple new pieces of jewelry!! I made a wish necklace. It has a pendant that says "hope" another that says "faith" and a little turtle inbetween them for fertility. I also added a few Rose Quartz stones on there as well. I also made a neat bracelet as well. Its called a "karma bracelet". its kinda hard to explain, but its a solid round silver circle with strands of hemp making up the bracelet, and the silver circle represents and acts as a reminder that Karma always comes full circle, and to remind yourself to have patience and always act with kindness towards others.

Okay--now I'm really going, the dogs are giving me the Hairy Eyeball because they want to go out and go to bed!!

IT'S TIME...I'm done with the crap!!

2008-04-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday guess who came to visit? AF, that ugly wench showed her face once again. Was I really surprised?.............not really. As I said in another post, I wasn't totally sold on this cycle being "the one". Was I bummed out? TOTALLY. Did I shed a few tears? YOU BET. Then I manned up decided not to let this get me down and marched to the phone to call my RE's office to schedule my CD 3 baseline U/S.

Guess who I got on the phone again? The ASSHOLE U/S girl at my Dr.'s office. The same one I've been blogging about in previous posts. The one who is a bitch who says inappropriate things. The one who has pushed me to beyond the point of pissed off. I calmly tell her that I got AF and that I need to schedule my U/S for Sunday, CD3. She says, "sorry, but we absolutely do not do baselines on the weekends. You'll have to wait until Monday". Knowing I was going to get stuck talking to her, and this would once again be her programmed response, I calmly explained to her that anytime I have started Clomid later than CD3, I did not Ovulate that cycle, so I needed to start it on CD3. She again snottily replies "well-- it doesn't matter what day you start your clomid-- day 3, 4 or 5-- it will work." Now I'm getting pissed----- and startin' to get huffy, as if there is one thing I cannot stand is for someone to assume I don't know what I am talking about or that I don't "get it". (I think I know my body better than anyone else at this point in our IF journey and furthermore I've worked in the medical field all of my adult life-- like 17 years worth). So I say to the dumbass "Did you just hear what I said, you do understand English right?" to which she replies, "yes-- I heard you" to which I replied, "then don't tell me it doesn't make a difference!!!!" Finally she becomes willing to ask my Doctor and will call me back. By this point, I'm nearly shaking because I'm so fed up with this bitch and for that matter, my RE's entire office. She calls me back like 10 mins later, and says "I asked Dr. Tarantino and he's says it doesn't matter either what day you start your clomid--so we'll schedule you for Monday, CD4". So if I was pissed earlier, now I was quickly becoming livid. So I reply " I don't seem to understand why it is I've been getting such a rough time from you and the office scheduling U/S's the past few months. I can't come Monday, I have to work, just like you, and I can't loose my job." she continues to dance around it, and says "then come Tuesday etc. We do not do baselines on the weekend---Dr.'s rules!" I again remind her about the need to start Clomid on Day 3, and she completely will not budge....... finally I got so pissed off, that I said "YOU are un-freakin-believable!!!!!!!!!!!! " and slammed the phone down in her ear!!!!!!!! Then.............. I sobbed. Heartbroken, defeated, angry sobs. For 30 mins. I was in the process of making homemade sauce and meatballs, and I'm pretty sure I shed a tear or two in my meatballs. Then I became Angry.The tears stopped and instantly went into Fighter mode. I grabbed my laptop and frantically began searching for ways to obtain Clomid on the internet. If I could have possibly found a site that would have been able to get it to me by Sunday, I would have bought it, sparing no expense. The soonest I could get it was 7-10 days. Shot that idea down. Thats how desperate I was, I was going to try to get Clomid from Canada......or wherever.........

Then my anger turned to dertermination. I began my search for a new RE. I found one. He looks to be a kind soul. He takes my insurance (for what its worth diagnosis-wise). It appears as though they participate in alot of studies as well, which I am very hopeful for as my insurance will not pay for meds at all, nor will it pay for a single IUI etc. I will be calling first thing Monday to see how soon I can get an appointment. As much as I see this as a step in the right direction, it does bum me out that we will loose out on yet another cycle, and that totally bites, but I guess its time to do what is right. Craig and I talked this out (he actually wanted me to find a new RE after I had a m/c (due to the fact that my PCP, my GYN AND my RE all knew I was on Atenolol for Mitral Valve Prolapse-- it is a Category D med and can be harmful to women who are PG or are trying to become PG-- it can cause slow fetal development and slowed HR in fetus' as well---NO ONE TOOK ME OFF THE DRUGS THE ENTIRE TIME WE'VE BEEN TTC, NOR AFTER I GOT MY BFP. Did it cause our M/C, I believe so, although my RE says it had nothing to do with it) I didn't want to leave my current RE and have to start all over and figured I needed him to get PG again. (I should have listened to my heart, and called a lawyer). So we both really feel this is the right move to find a new RE. I am going to dedicate these next few coming weeks to focus on my diet, my renewed faith in God and keeping a positive attitude. Wish me Luck!!!!