My Crafty Creativeness!!

Well, I don't really have much to blog about today, besides the fact that we are just a short 16 days from leaving for our 2 1/2 week vacation to upstate NY!! (I'm just a wee bit excited about that!!)

Anyhow, I was going though some pictures and came across some of the jewelry that I have been making. (I have these for sale on my other blog:)

http://zencreationshandmadejewelry.blogspot.com/

After I had my miscarriage I made the top bracelet for me to always have the memory of my angel that we lost. I used red swarovski crystals and a ruby center stone as our little one would have been due in July. It also has angel wings symbolic of our angel and two teardrop crystals to symbolize the tears we shed over our loss. Every time I wear it, I feel a bit of inner peace each time I look at those wings.

The second bracelet pictured is called "Fortune" and is made with Rose Quartz and Jade and adorned with a turtle charm which most girls dealing with IF know is a symbol of Fertility.

I'm considering making a new line for new Mommies with Swarovski Crystals in the birth month of the baby, and maybe even the baby's name in the bracelet. I'm mulling over designs, although I'm not sure how much of a seller they would be.

I'm also currently working on a pretty set of a necklace, bracelet and earrings for my mom for my brothers wedding in a few weeks and a necklace and bracelet for myself as well. I'll be sure to post pictures of those when they are done!

Other than that, there really isn't much I have to report in about, so I guess I won't keep babbling!!

SUCCESS Is An Awesome Motivator!!!

My day started bright and early today with the prospect of fitting alot into the day. I woke early, got ready to go to the gym and was there by about 8:15am. I wish my job hours allowe me to hit the gym early every morning however, when you have to be at work at 5:15am, it really doesn't allow for anything beforehand. I have a ton of energy and a great sense of accomplishment throughout my day when I can look at the clock at 9:45 am and know that I've spent a great morning getting healthy and relieving any stress I might have.

Anyhow, I've been making some really great strides at the gym. When I think back to how I felt about myself 2 months ago (and how I looked to myself) when we joined the gym and then I look at where I am now, I can honestly say I am really proud of what I have accomplished so far and how much progress I have made! I started out huffin' and puffin' on the treadmill for 20 mins and moaning and groaning to myself the entire time, forcing myself to keep walking for "just two more minutes". The first week I started back working out, I "tried" the eliptical machine, thinking "It can't be THAT bad!!". Well, I found humiliation and became quite humbled quite quickly when I managed to barely hang in there for two minutes and thought I would face certain death after gettting off of it. Needless to say, I didn't go back near that eliptical machine for the past two months.........that was until earlier this week....... I decided it was time to face the BEAST and get back on and see if I could atleast manage 5 minutes after two months of lots and lots of cardio on the treadmill.

I hopped on, pressed play on the ipod, and not only did I make it 5 minutes, but soared right through 10 minutes!!!!!! (of course a tad bid of that was compliments of my AMP sugar free energy drink, but I'll take all the help anywhere I can get it!!) I was so proud of myself for pushing through that I then made my way over to the treadmill for another hour of intense high incline walking and felt like a million bucks afterwards!!

Man, what a difference 2 months of hard work and alot of perserverence can do for you!!!
(I'm a little proud of myself, so excuse the endless babble about it!!)

All totaled, I've lost about 10 pounds in the past two months, and I'm sure changed ALOT of ahem........F.A.T. into Muscle. I've lost about 3 inches in my waist, and about 3 in my hips. I can see a big difference in my legs, but especially my tummy!!!!! (I'm very interested to see how much my BMI has dropped, but it was kinda horrifying to see those numbers two months ago, and I'm pretty much petrified to do the test again in fears that it really hasn't dropped as much as I think it has, but I'm probably just being paranoid right?)

Anyhow, up until today, I've continued to doubt my progress even though I can see changes in how I look in the mirror and how my clothes are quite a bit looser now. After shopping today, I'm a true believer that I'm actually making PROGRESS!!!!!

After the gym, my mom and I set out to go dress shopping for my brothers upcoming wedding which is just about 1 month away in upstate NY. I tried on a pretty dress in JC Penney in my normal size and it just didn't fit right. The top was just too baggy, and it didn't sit right, so we decided to move on to another store. We heading into Dillards to shop as we've had good luck there before. I found about 5 dresses to try on, and headed into the dressing room with the first one. I put it on, zipped it up, and liked it. I came out of the dressing room, and was looking in the big mirror. My mom and I both liked it on me, but it still just didn't fit right...... too loose on top and a bit too flowy at the waistline. We decided maybe I should try a size down to see if it fit better, so I shuffled over to the rack to look for a smaller size. Of course there wasn't one size down, but there was two sizes down.............. I brought it back to the dressing room FULL of doubt, sure it wouldn't fit, or I wouldn't be able to zip it, or that I'd bulge out of it somewhere.

Well imagine the SHEER JOY I felt when it fit like a glove!!!!!!!!!!

I'VE SHRANK TWO DRESS SIZES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so elated, I almost cried. Thank God for progress.

There's no better motivator as far as I'm concerned than that!! Now I definately have something to keep working hard at when I'm at the gym. Everytime I want to step off that treadmill, I'll think about all the progress I've made in the past two months, and where I'll be two months from now, and will keep on truckin'!!

So, thats my feel good blog for the week. I'm really proud of myself and it feels good to say that! It feels good to feel good about something in my life when I have alot of things I don't really feel that great about!!

(Incidentally I have to give a shout out to C. as well, as he is really making great strides at the gym too. I'm proud of him for staying dedicated to it, and to getting healthier. WAY TO GO BABE!!)

Oh, and by the way, I'm up to 17 minutes on the Eliptical machine (in one weeks progress!!!)
How's that for perserverence!!!?

Tagged!!

I have been Tagged!!
I don't think in all my time blogging, I have actually been tagged, so this will be a first for me....... (I'm kinda boring though, so I don't know how interesting it will be, but here it goes none the less.
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

I was Tagged by Peachy (her link is on my list)

6 random things about me:

1. I am anal retentive and super detail focused at my job (well, I am holding my patients' lives in my hands on a daily basis, ie: the intent focus). I get so annoyed when I see my coworkers doing things they shouldn't be doing, it drives me up a wall. At home, I am the complete opposite. I do things however I feel like doing them and oh well if no one else likes my style of doing things.......... its odd to me to be so different from work and at home.

2. I am a total joker and love to fool around and make people laugh, and this leads people to believe that I am SUPER outgoing..........truth is, I feel I am really the total opposite. I am not really a people person at all. I hate talking on the phone and find it very annoying to have to do so most days. Honestly, around people I don't know, I feel so far outside my comfort zone, that I sometimes freeze up and don't know what to say to people. Once I trust you though or have built some sort of relationship with you, its hard to shut me up though.

3. I grew up in Upstate NY and have lived down in FL for 8 years. I daydream on a daily basis about moving back up to NY. I miss so much about NY, but I fear we'd move back up there, and winter would roll in and I'd shut down. As I sit here in FL today, at a whpopping 92 degrees, with a heat index of about 103 degrees, I long for snow (okay--thats an exageration, but I do long for cool fall days, when you throw on jeans and a hoodie, and go for a walk in the leaves, then come back in a have a nice cup of hot tea.) (**by the way, is that actually two random things? That I grew up in NY AND I daydream about moving back?)

4. I have two dogs and a cat. I adopted my one dog Jazzmine, when she was a mere 5 weeks old, but couldn't bring her home from the SPCA until she was 6 weeks old. If ever a dog was just like it's owner, it would be Jazzmine. I honestly don't think she knows she's a dog. I love her to pieces, even if she does fart and drool alot.

5. I used to love to run as a child........now, I can't stand the thought of running!! (although getting back into working out these past two months, it has become one of my goals to be able to jog on the treadmill ) Every summer my town had a community festival with races/competitions for kids and I kicked butt in alot of the running ones. My parents used to have a big board with all my ribbons on it. I wonder what happened to all those ribbons all these years later? Hmmmm....

6. Geez---its hard to write so much just about me!!!!! Lets see...... I have one brother. He still lives in upstate NY and is getting married in a few weeks up there. (24 days til we leave for NY).
We totally didn't like each other very much growing up. Actually I adored him and wanted to be around him constantly. He on the other hand, being 5 years older than me wanted nothing to do with me at all. We used to get in the worst fights (even though I was smaller than him, I thought I could "take him". Once we got older and grew out of it, we became really really close. Especially after my dad passed away (when I was 22 and my brother was 27). Now we love spending time together and always have tons of laughes and good times.

Okay--
now I have to tag some people (although I don't think I'll tag 6)

JackieMac

The Wright's

(okay-- I am a dummy, because I've tried to link their blogs 3 times and it hasn't worked-- I'm clueless!) Their links are over in my blog list!!

I Need To Let It Go........

so why can't I??

As I was getting ready to go to a job interview earlier today, I was looking for something in my medicine cabinet..... I don't really go in there very often as odd as that sounds, as I don't really keep anything I use frequently up there.

As I looked up on the top shelf, there they sat. Like a beacon calling me towards them...... there sat my old Positive PG tests from last November....... ALL SIX OF THEM!!! Two digital strips and four other tests that were all positive. I should have gotten rid of them by now right?? I mean after all my child should have been born in July and I would have had no need to keep such a silly memento as a positive PG test right? Well, it seems as though those PG tests are all I have left to hang on to from my lost Pregnancy. I have no U/S pictures, as when we had our 1st U/S we found there was no Heartbeat and that the sac wasn't in the place it should have been (ie: I was getting ready to m/c).

All I have as a reminder of the little one we lost is a few Postive PG tests, a angel miscarriage bracelet I made to remind me of our baby, an adorable winnie the pooh outfit that my cousin and Aunt sent when they found out we were PG, and the one and only thing I bought the week after we got our BFP, a cute package of baby bottles with baby snoopy on them.

Oh, and did I mention the hole in my heart that will forever be there, that nothing will ever fill? We can't leave that out now can we?

Why can I not bring myself to throw out those PG tests??? Everything else is tucked away somewhere (except the bracelet and my heartache) so I don't have to look at it everyday....... From a healthy viewpoint, I know mentally its not healthy to hang on to such a thing, as it serves as a reminder of something painful. I think I simply am grasping to the one real thing I have left since I have nothing else.

I don't know........

Our plan was originally to take July and August off for a mental break that we both badly needed. Now its September and we're not back on track..... financially we just have too much going on right now. I had to make a trip up to NY in August and we are planning a two week trip up to NY again in October for my brothers wedding. So it became either save our extra money so we don't miss my brothers wedding (which I would never miss for anything) or spend another $800 for a cycle trying...... October is out as we will be in NY and couldn't do monitoring anyway, so now it looks like MAYBE November before we jump back in.

I feel like with each month that passes, my dream keeps slipping further and further away. I actually feel like I have days where our dream of having a child is never going to happen. I often feel like I should start to do some research on Living Childless, but anytime I get any further than the search results, it ends in my sobbing, and not being able to even bring myself to read whats on the screen in front of me. So I guess thats my minds' way of telling me I'm not at that point yet.

I don't really have much else of a point to this blog, besides putting on virtual paper that I know I SHOULD move on (past the PG tests, the PG we lost etc), but I just can't.......not yet.........

The A B C's of ME!!

Well, its Saturday night, I'm bored, C. is closing the Restaurant tonight, and I'm sitting wracking my brain trying to think of something for dinner for 1.......... So in the meantime, I figured I'd blog a little. I've seen these ABC's of Me in alot of others' blogs, so I've decided what the heck....... here it goes........ try not to fall asleep from boredom (my life tends to be a bit boring LOL!!)

The A B C's of ME!!

Accent: I was born and raised in Upstate NY, and now that I live in FL, people tell me I sound like I'm from NY? Ok.......if you say so!!?

Breakfast or no breakfast: Breakfast if I'm at work, usually not if I'm home.....odd right???

Chore I don’t care for: Washing dishes........... I'd rather clean a Toilet!

Dog or Cat: I love them both....... we have two dogs that are my babies and a cute fat cat!!

Essential Electronics: My laptop, my I-pod (without a doubt I couldn't live without it), my Blackberry

Favorite Cologne: True Love by Elizabeth Arden and Patchouli (yep-- I'll admit it -- I love it!!)

Gold or Silver: Gold

Handbag I carry most often: I refuse to pay a ton of money on a purse.......

Insomnia: Pretty rarely....... once in a while when I'm really overtired or stressed about something

Job Title:Vascular Access Manager

Kids: Desperate for one.......... God willing we'll have our chance

Living Arrangements: We own our home (hubby and I)

Most Admirable Trait: My Loyalty and Sense of Humor

Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: I swore alot!!

Overnight hospital stays: None for me!! One minor surgery and a few ER visits when

I was young

Phobias: BUGS for sure!!! I'm petrified of Snakes and cockroaches

Quote: "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you

straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other waythan this: where I does not exist, nor you,so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep." Pablo Neruda

Reason to smile: My Husband, my Family, and my Furbabies

Siblings: One Awesome Older Brother

Time I wake up: Ugghh!!!! 4:30 am on work days!! Blech!!

Unusual Talent or Skill: I can pick things up with my feet

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: Oh Lord, thats a looooong list, it'd be much easier to list what I do like: corn, peas, potato's, tomato's, cukes, onions............thats it!!

Worst Habit: My sarcasm tends to get me in trouble sometimes

X-rays: None in a while, most recent were my neck and when Jazz stomped on my foot and I thought she broke something because I could barely walk.

Yummy Stuff: my hubby's homemade chicken parm, warm brownies or homemade choc. chip cookies fresh from the oven. YUM!!!!

Zoo Animal I Like Most: Monkey's for sure!!!

Back From the N.Y.

Well, I'm delighted to say I had a WONDERFUL time in NY. There is no place like Upstate NY in the mountains. I know how cliche' the "Fresh Mountain Air" stuff is, but it really is true (until your Allergies kick into gear that is.........) The picture above, is across the street from the house I grew up, which my brother still lives in. I could sit and look out at that mountain for hours, and honestly I spent alot of my years living there doing just that while growing up.

Just as I suspected, my visit to NY made me very homesick for those surroundings. I don't miss the little town I grew up in so much, as it is just as it has always been. A small little town that never changes.......almost as though a town that time forgot. But I miss the rolling hills, the mountains, the NON-Busy atmosphere that a little town in the mountains of NY offers. I miss silly things like going to watch my older brother play in his summer mens' softball league. I miss the fact that you can drive on country roads in and out of mountains and maybe only pass 15 cars on a 30 minute ride, instead of the nonstop madness of traffic I deal with daily here in Florida. (of course I doubt I'd be missing those roads come wintertime in a blizzard but nonetheless).

I also suspect that when C. and I head back to NY in October for two weeks (for my brothers' wedding), that C. may have to drag me kicking and screaming back out of NY when its time to leave. Fall in Upstate NY is my absolute favorite time of year, hands down. There is nothing like it!!!! I know as soon as C. lays eyes on those mountains in Oct, he too will become homesick for where we grew up.

Honestly, if my mom wasn't down here by me(she lives 10 mins away) in Florida, I think C. and I would move back to Upstate NY without a doubt. (C.'s mom is down here too, but about 90 mins away). Of course we don't even need to talk about the fact that Real Estate Sales sucks BALLS right now and we'd have a very tough time selling our house, without owing more than what we'd get for it right now. So, for now our thoughts of moving back to NY will have to be just that..........thoughts! (and daydreams)

Seeing my family up in NY was awesome, we spent a couple days with my Aunt (my mom's sister) who has been battling various forms of cancer for a couple years now....... (first an extreemly rare form of lymphoma(brain cancer), so rare that they didn't even have a name for it, which I am so pleased to say is in remission, however she is currently battle breast cancer....... and let me just say, she is a REMARKABLE WOMAN!!!!! She can't walk, (but is working on it) and is so independent and still has the most wonderful sense of humor. I'm pretty sure that she, my mom and I laughed 95% of our waking hours. I love her to pieces and am amazed by her strength and courage for all she has been through. LOVE YOU AUNTIE BLING!!

We had a bit of a bumpy flight back home as there was a Tropical Storm on its way to the west coast of FL and had our flight come in any later we wouldn't have made it back and would probably have sat in Washington DC for a day or two waiting to get back........

To sum it up, awesome trip, great relaxation (although it was busy as we had help throw my sister-in-law to be's bridal shower while we were up there), great scenery, lots of laughes and good times, but as always its good to come back home (I missed C. terribly while I was gone and I couldn't wait to get back home to his lovin' arms).

I guess thats all for now. I've really been slacking with my blogging lately, as I don't really have alot to talk/blog about, but I'm going to try to get back on track!!! To those who do read, I do check in on alot of your blogs, sometimes daily, to see how you are doing.

Much love to all!

Leavin' On a Jet Plane!!

Well, I know I have been posting much lately. I feel kinda empty inside, while we are taking a break, so I don't feel the need to reinforce the emptiness by writing about how sad I am over and over and over again.

Bottom line....... not TTTC right now sucks (but the mental break is good for me)and honestly I feel like my chances are slipping away from me with each passing day. I feel like each day I withdraw a little bit more from the message boards I frequent, and even here for that matter. Its sad, it sucks, what else can I say about it?

In other news, I'm heading to Upstate NY on Thursday for 6 days and I cannot wait!!! The picture above is taken about 5 minutes from the house where I grew up, and where I will be going to visit in just a few days. My mom and I are flying up together for my future sister-in-laws Bridal Shower we are helping throw. I can't wait for a break from the hellish Florida heat and humidity. Forecast for where I'm headed is mid to high 70's during the day and mid to high 50's at night--- I couldn't even tell you the last time we saw a nighttime temp go below 77 here in Florida (well its been many many many months). I can't wait to see mountains, and rolling hills, and of course see my family up there. Last time I was up there and saw everyone was under poor circumstances, when my Aunt ended up in the hospital having seizures and being non responsive for 5 days in ICU, to end up getting diagnosed with an extreemly rare form of brain cancer, which I'm thankful to report that 1 1/2 years later is in complete remission (although she is currently battling breast cancer right now).

Anyhow, I'm super psyched about heading to a New York State of Mind for a few days. Of course, I'm bummin' that my husband isn't going, but he'll be working alot next weekend and he'll be taking care of our furbabies while I'm gone. I also know that when we head back up to NY in October for two weeks for my brothers wedding, we'll have a blast and get to enjoy upstate NY in the fall....... my favorite time of year. I keep telling C. that he'll have to drag me kicking and screaming out of NY because I won't want to leave.

C. and I are still doing well working out at the gym. We are still hitting the gym 4-6 times a week and it honestly feels great. I feel great physically and I love the mind numbingness I feel while I'm there. I don't stress about IF, I don't think about much of anything else besides working out and digging deep for the determination to push myself while I'm there!

I guess thats about all I can offer up, thats just how damn boring and uneventful my life is these days!