I Feel Frantic, maybe even Spastic!

I am developing such overwhelming anxiety this cycle. I went for an U/S on the 15th (Sat) which was CD 12. We decided to check me early as my Clomid was upped this month t0 150 mg. So I went in Saturday, and of course, I wasn't ready yet, nor was I actually expecting to be. On my most perfect cycle (pre M/C) I didn't trigger until CD 15 and "O"d on CD 17 in the morning. So I was okay with Saturdays results, although I got stuck with the U/S tech that I'm just not clicking with. So now I go tomorrow Tuesday for another U/S which will be CD 15. I pray we will get good news, my thinking is I will hopefully be ready to Trigger Weds night and then start BD'ing like crazy!!

Of course, I am scheduled to work tomorrow, and I tried to get three different people to switch days with me at work......NO Such Luck...... so I finally was able to work it out by pushing my 1015am U/S to 2:30pm instead and getting to leave work early. Getting to that point was not shits and giggles though. I had myself so stressed out thru my day, that I could barely choke down my sandwich for lunch, and no matter how hard I kept trying to calm myself down, it was like I just couldn't take a good calming breath..... I was so uptight and thought I was going to just snap at any second. I totally hate feeling that way....... I can't stand to not feel as though I am in control....... Quite honestly, thats how this how IF journey has been...... I am so not in control......... and it sucks ass!!! (Truth be told, I am a CONTROL FREAK!!! Big time.........) So to feel like my own body functions (well reproductively speaking anyways) is so frustrating and I feel helpless.

So there is something else that has been weighing heavy on my mind these past few days. My husband and I got into a tiff the other day, and thru our efforts to calmly talk through what we were feeling, my husband reveiled to me that he feels I have "issues with God". And, he is absolutely right. And I told him so. Then I told him the reasons I do. I was raised Catholic, but even at a young age, I always felt like I had strong beliefs in God, but felt as though I didn't need a "middle man" if you will, meaning church. I've always felt that I could have just as good a relationship with God one on one, and bypass the church. And that always seemed to work pretty well for me. Then I hit the ripe old age of 22, when my dad died pretty suddenly-- he was only 48 years old. It was then that I began to question God. I know we're not supposed to, but how could I not? My dad was taken away from me and my family, when he still had so much living to do. He never got to see either of his kids get married, give his daughter away on her wedding day, never got to experience grandchildren......... so I questioned God as to why he would take him, and leave so many others. In my work, I'd seen so many people who were in their 80's and 90's, who had a good life, still hanging in there. So there was my first issue with God. It took me many many years to soul search, and restore my faith in God.

When we started to get more into our IF journey, I really began to have alot of faith in God. I spent alot of time praying, and trying to work thru my stress through him and it worked. And I got Pregnant........ My husband and I thanked God every single day, (me countless times throughout each day) for finally blessing us with such a miracle. Then, just as quickly as it was given to us, it seems it was taken away.

My most heartbreaking moment of finding out we were miscarrying, was while I was laying on the exam table having my 1st U/S. My husband and I went to that Dr.'s appointment expecting to hear a heartbeat...... instead we heard, "I'm sorry, but this is not good news". I literally heard NOTHING after that point. I lay there sobbing, begging God to not let it be so....... over and over and over. He didn't hear my prayers, my sobs, my begging. In the days and weeks that passed after that, I once again, began to question God. I still do to a certain extent. But I am trying. I'm trying to dig down very deep and once again, find faith in God. But I am struggling, and I haven't really found a way to completely get it back. I feel as though my doubts are extreemly justified, but are they warrented?? If I don't find a way to restore my faith, will it affect my chances of getting Pg? I'm at the point in this struggle that I'm just not sure anymore. Do I believe that God actually has a hand in us conceiving? Yes, I do. "God Giveth, and God Taketh Away" right?

I just don't know. Everything I've written about in this post, are the things that run through my head constantly. I can't shut it off. These things are on my mind each night while I try to all asleep, and they are what I think about as soon as I wake up. Just like Infertility, it consumes me.

I just don't know...........................