its been an aweful rollercoaster weekend....... and it ends with shitty news.......I tested on Friday 13 dpo/IUI and got a very faint bfp (thats when I posted my last blog post), and I thought we'd have good news to share, but wanted to wait to be sure by re-testing the next day. So I tested Sat 14 dpo/IUI and got another faint line, but darker than the day before and well within the 10 min test time.So I started to get really excited but was still afraid to post....... I guess it was my intuition telling me to not get excited.
I tested Sunday morning, and got a big stark snow white test and was like WTF???? So I was upset and crying on and off all day Sunday, trying to keep my mind busy doing other things, and then re-tested in the afternoon with a Digital when DH got home......... only to read a giant ugly NOT PREGNANT!!!!!I don't get it--- my trigger was out 10 dpo so that wouldn't have been giving me false positives....... maybe it was a chemical PG??
I started spotting Sunday night, and got the bitch whore AF on Monday, full on flow ............... so, IT. IS. ALL. OVER.
I had one of the worst breakdowns of my life Sunday night...... (2nd only to my dad passing away and my m/c). I sat in the middle of my kitchen floor and just sobbed. I told dh I wanted to dig a hole in the back yard and climb into it and disappear........ he literally had to pick me up off the floor.
It seems IF has finally beat me down to nothing. I had so much hope and belief that this was going to be it for us. I don't honestly know how much more heartbreak I can stand. I was so down and out on Sunday, that I actually visited websites about learning to live childless (and of course, sobbed as soon as the site would load).With all that said, we have to decided to take a break for a couple months (well, I decided and dh is supportive of whatever I want and need to do right now). As much as I don't want to take a break, I don't honestly think that mentally I can take another month of disappointment without someone having to commit me, I just need a little break to breath. I'm scared that the progress we've made with meds etc will all be lost and be some sort of set-back and thats the only thing making me 2nd guess taking a break.
So we'll take July off (we'll try on our on, but I'm not banking on much in that department), I'll be traveling during O time in August up to NY, so thats out, so it looks like we'll start back trying in September.In the meantime, we've both joined a gym close to where we live, and I'm going to be balls to the wall with loosing some weight and getting back into shape, both mentally and physically.
Thanks to those who were curious and supportive. I'm sure I'll continue my blogs, although my posts may take a temporary turn of direction for now.
So, that has been my suck ass shit rotten hell of a weekend. At this point in my blog, it seems as though I always try to end on a positive note, however, I'm having extreme difficulty finding anything positive at all to talk about, besides the fact that I am grateful for having my C. in my life to love, hold and support me.
Babe, if you happen to read this, thank you for literally picking me back up from all this mess, and as always, for loving me, no matter what. You are my everything, and I can't breath without you.
I tested Sunday morning, and got a big stark snow white test and was like WTF???? So I was upset and crying on and off all day Sunday, trying to keep my mind busy doing other things, and then re-tested in the afternoon with a Digital when DH got home......... only to read a giant ugly NOT PREGNANT!!!!!I don't get it--- my trigger was out 10 dpo so that wouldn't have been giving me false positives....... maybe it was a chemical PG??
I started spotting Sunday night, and got the bitch whore AF on Monday, full on flow ............... so, IT. IS. ALL. OVER.
I had one of the worst breakdowns of my life Sunday night...... (2nd only to my dad passing away and my m/c). I sat in the middle of my kitchen floor and just sobbed. I told dh I wanted to dig a hole in the back yard and climb into it and disappear........ he literally had to pick me up off the floor.
It seems IF has finally beat me down to nothing. I had so much hope and belief that this was going to be it for us. I don't honestly know how much more heartbreak I can stand. I was so down and out on Sunday, that I actually visited websites about learning to live childless (and of course, sobbed as soon as the site would load).With all that said, we have to decided to take a break for a couple months (well, I decided and dh is supportive of whatever I want and need to do right now). As much as I don't want to take a break, I don't honestly think that mentally I can take another month of disappointment without someone having to commit me, I just need a little break to breath. I'm scared that the progress we've made with meds etc will all be lost and be some sort of set-back and thats the only thing making me 2nd guess taking a break.
So we'll take July off (we'll try on our on, but I'm not banking on much in that department), I'll be traveling during O time in August up to NY, so thats out, so it looks like we'll start back trying in September.In the meantime, we've both joined a gym close to where we live, and I'm going to be balls to the wall with loosing some weight and getting back into shape, both mentally and physically.
Thanks to those who were curious and supportive. I'm sure I'll continue my blogs, although my posts may take a temporary turn of direction for now.
So, that has been my suck ass shit rotten hell of a weekend. At this point in my blog, it seems as though I always try to end on a positive note, however, I'm having extreme difficulty finding anything positive at all to talk about, besides the fact that I am grateful for having my C. in my life to love, hold and support me.
Babe, if you happen to read this, thank you for literally picking me back up from all this mess, and as always, for loving me, no matter what. You are my everything, and I can't breath without you.
5 comments:
Oh sweetie...I'm so sorry *hugs*! I'll continue praying for you both. All of this sucks and makes no sense. *hugs*
Oh Jenn I am so sorry. Hopefully the two months off will give you the energy to get going again in September. Sending you lots of hugs.
Sorry to hear of your news. I was keeping my fingers crossed and wishing you nothing but the best over the last couple of weeks. Take time to grieve. You need it! We are here if you need anything.
Hi Jenn!
I was so sorry to read about this cycle and how hard it hit you.
There is nothing about this journey that reinforces us to go on...we just have to have faith that it IS our journey. WE have taken several breaks both self impossed and medical and made the same goals to be better versions of US so that we can get back in the fight with a fresh perspective...
Enjoy this summer and we will look back at this time some day and know what we chose was right and it WORKED!!!!!!!!!!
huGe love to you
B
I am so so very sorry, Jenn! My heart just breaks for you. Do whatever you need to do and give yourself plenty of time to grieve. We're here for you when you're ready to try again.
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