Can Your Heart Smile and Cry at the Same Time?

Can your heart Smile and Cry at the same time? I guess I never really gave that statement much thought until the other day while I was working out at the Gym. I was catching my breath in between sets, and along comes a woman with her young little boy. He was the cutest little thing, hanging onto her hand, almost running to keep up with her(he couldn't have even been two years old). As he got close to me his tiny little hand shot up in the air, and he looked right into my eyes, he waved and say "HI!!" I smiled and waved back and said Hi back to him.

My heart instantly began to smile (and it brought a smile to my face as well). I thought to myself, he is just adorable, it just doesn't get any sweeter than that. Then in the same instant, my heart grew very sad. I almost became panicked, as I thought to myself, "what if I never ever get to experience that?? What will I do? How will I survive?" What if I never get my chance at having a baby of my own?? Just the thought of that has me once again in tears as I sit here and type this.

The unknown is so unfair. When I was younger I always thought it was so exciting to not have a clue what the future held for me. To wonder about what may lie ahead for me. Now I find those thoughts petrifying.

I guess this seems so much more difficult for me right now because we are on a TTC break. At first it was voluntary, for two months, and we were supposed to try again this month (Sept) however, we had some things in the house that needed repair and we are also traveling up to NY for 2 1/2 weeks for my brothers wedding soon, so despite our overwhelming desire to have a baby, our financial obligations had to come first. Being an adult and having to choose between those two things really sucks, but I guess thats just the way life is. Everything else in my life has been beyond my control for the past couple years or so (atleast where TTC is concerned) so why should now be any different?

Hopefully after we get back from NY, we can see what we can work out to try another cycle. We still have some of C.'s boys' on ice at the RE, although I'd much prefer to do a fresh attempt. I guess we'll have to see what our finances look like when we get home.

I HATE that my Goddamned insurance sucks balls and doesn't pay for any tx's for TTC (they will pay for diagnostics and labs etc, which I guess is something) but they will not pay for actual procedures. I actually wrote a loooong letter to the head of my company out in Cali. I haven't heard back from him yet, and I am thinking if I don't hear back soon, atleast acknowledging he rec'd my email, then I will resend it. I send him a good deal of data on employers covering Fertility tx's, along with some personal feelings on the issue. We'll see if it gets me anywhere. (I work for a very very large company, so I doubt it will) but atleast I'll know I tried to do something instead of sit back and accept it.

I guess I'm in an exceptionally emotional mood today (AF arrived yesterday after toying with me for a friggin WEEK of spotting. Like the same kind of spotting I had right before I got my BFP a year ago......... and she came in with a bang yesterday!!) So of course, I am a crybaby. I was yesterday and I am today. Earlier today I was straightening my spare bedroom for when my MIL is here furbaby sitting while we're in NY, and I opened up our wedding pictures album.......Yep- you guessed it..... I BAWLED!!!! Although I think it was a good thing to look through those (we'll be married 4 years in Dec). I really looked at the expression on my husbands face in a couple of the pictures during our ceremony, and the look on his face is what really made me start crying. I could see just how much he loves me in those photos. The look on his face looking into my eyes is so precious, it warms my heart. Definately a picture I will cherish all my life.

I opened up an email inbox that I don't go into very often yesterday. The first email on the lists' subject title was this:
"Baby Growth.........Your Infant at Two Months!!!"
Ain't that a big kick in the ass!!!?? Thanks so much for reminding me that I should have a two month old baby right now.......... That's why I don't go into that email very often!!

Alright-- I guess thats enough wallowing in self pity for today. I better get back to doing some stuff around this house, as I'm sure this week is going to fly by getting ready to leave for NY (which, have I mentioned I am TOTALLY Psyched about!!???
We'll be on the road one week from today at this time!!! YAY!!)

Or........maybe I'll go to the Gym and excise a few demons.........