A Year Later....and Still Heartbroken

Well here I sit on the eve of the one year anniversary of finding out we were PG!!! And here I sit, still with nothing, sad, heartbroken and still defeated. I managed to make it through the other painful "dates" like each milestone month that I should have been PG and our EDD in July. I didn't think I'd make it through my EDD but I did, and kinda figured that I'd made it through that date and that everything else would start to be a little easier. But here I sit, fighting back tears instead. I've been fighting them back for the last two days actually.

Why does the date still flash at me like a beacon light? Well that would be because I am STILL pathetic enough to have ALL FIVE BFP tests stashed away in my bathroom in a baggie. Each one is dated and the test time is noted on them and I can remember getting the 1st positive test like it happened yesterday, right down to the fact that I woke C. up at 4:45 in the morning to make him look at the test to see that faint 2nd line.

My heart just feels so heavy and empty. I still have a very hard time dealing with the fact that I should have a three month old beautiful baby right now, and I have NOTHING....... well -- I take that back, I have C. and my furbabies who make getting through each day bearable and I'm thankful for them each and every day.

But my arms and my heart and soul still are empty without the baby we were supposed to have. The heartbreak I still feel is enormous and so heavy. I feel so weighed down by the sorrow I still feel.

I imagine alot of this sorrow is multiplied by the fact that we are still on a break, but I think I will be making an appt w/ my RE before my Dec. cycle to see about doing a TI cycle with meds (we honestly cannot afford to do an OOP (out of pocket) IUI cycle the month of Christmas, especially since we just came back from at 2 1/2 week vacation in Upstate NY, but maybe a TI cycle would atleast start to give me a little hope again.......... I don't know..... I guess C. and I will have to have a sit down and talk it out and decide from there.

I'd hoped I'd be in a better place by now........ a year later, but I guess not. I guess the heartbreak, sorrow and missing part of my heart just isn't ready to let go of the sadness I feel over our lost angel. As I've written before, the most I can pray for is that our little angel is in Heaven with my dad, and they are watching over each other.

I guess thats all for now, and I'll go cry myself to sleep.