No Confidence AT ALL!!

Okay---
so if you read my earlier posts this cycle, regarding my friggin body not working like its supposed, compliments of my m/c, we finally got the Okay to trigger on Weds night, the 21st-- then we were supposed to do TI Weds night, Thursday night, and Friday night....... so I did my trigger shot on Weds night, (with DH skiddishly watching from a distance-- God help me if we ever have to go to injectibles --which may be our next step). We did some BD'ing Weds night, and then Thursday morning.......... Thursday night rolls around........ can't get it done........ tried twice! So I wake DH up at 4:20 am --YES-- AM-- you read it right-- I figured we could get in a romp before I went to work at 5:30 am--- still can't "get it done" --nothing...... I was in tears at 5:00 am--- screaming at God "Congratulations-- you've finally broke me-- I can't do this anymore!!!" So I sobbed before leaving for work, I left my hubby pissed at himself and at the world for not being able to "finish", and I felt really bad-- as in my own anger and hurt, I said a few not-so-nice things to him. Just another fine example of what a strain IF puts on you.

So in one last desperate attempt, I came home at 8 am on my break from work, to try one more time -- I apologized, we both cried and gave it our best shot (no pun intended) ......pffffffffttttttttttt....... NO LUCK!!!!! Are you kidding me!!! It was so surreal........ I think at that point it had become pschological for him and no matter how hard he tried, it just wasn't going to happen.

We both went off to work, both heartbroken and bummed out completely, destined to have crappy days at work. I didn't call him to check in to see how his day was going, as I already knew it was probably going as shitty as mine........ he called me while I was still at work at like 2:00 pm-- to check in on me........ he confirmed what a shitty day he was having, compounded by the fact that one of the guys who works for him came in to drop something off, with is 5 MONTH OLD BABY GIRL--- the guy forgot something out in his car, and put the baby in my husbands arms and said "here-- hold her for a minute" --- and before my Husband could refuse, the guy was out the door-- my husband told me by the time the guy came back in, he had tears welling up in his eyes--- with the thought of what we would have had come July if I hadn't m/c'd and of course, the mornings troubles. That of course, broke my heart, he was fighting back tears on the phone with me, (I could tell by his voice) and that in turn made me burst out into tears on the phone at work, standing in the middle of a room full of patients....... we quickly got off the phone (because I couldn't even talk with a huge lump in my throat). I left the patient area and got a grip and went back out to work.

Its just not fair. The emotional toll this struggle puts on you as individuals as well as a couple is so overwhelming. Thank God we have a very strong, loving relationship that nothing can break.

So basically, to sum up the title of this blog, I have ZERO confidence in this cycle. I don't even feel like I ovulated this cycle-- should have been Friday morning, (the past months that I triggered, I totally felt it when I was "O"ing-- sharp stabbing pains to confirm it was happening..... this time..........nada--didn't feel a friggin' thing!! So this leads me to wonder, if I had slow Follie development on a cycle with 100 mg Clomid, is it possible that I didn't Ovulate 36 hours after I triggered too? Is my body being that much of a bitch to not work?? I don't get it. I guess I'll call my RE tomorrow to see if I can go for labwork tomorrow to indicate if I actually did "O" or not.......... I guess that will give me the answer.

So based on all those facts, I refuse to even think that this month will amount to a PG...... I just don't see how it possibly could. I mean I guess it could, seeing has how we did get to sucessful romps in within 24 hours of when I "should" have ovulated, and they say that those swimmers can survive a while once up in ya.......so maybe we will be surprised by a miracle. I just can't seem to dig deep enough at this point to believe its a possibility, that way I won't be so let down and distraught if we get bad news in like 10 or 11 days--- I will however still be pissed at the money down the drain on this cycle --4 Ultrasounds (w/ copays of $35 for each visit), Clomid @ $20, Ovidrel and $45 and gas back and forth to all those appointments-- (2 to Clearwater and 2 to Tampa).

Auggggggghhhhh......it just doesn't get any better than this!!! (enter sarcasm here)

Heartbroken and Disappointed.....AGAIN!

So, all the way to Tampa at 8 am this morning, for a follow up U/S after not having well enough developed follicles at Weds U/S. So this mornings U/S showed my largest follie @ 15 mm (it was 13mm on Weds) so it is still growing but very slowly. So the sonographer was like, "well-- you need to decide if you want to continue on with this cycle or not". I asked her was there any point, and would it be worth another U/S next week, plus wasting an injectible if it wasn't going to be a good follie. She was useless, gave me no info to go off of, and looked as if she could give two shits one way or the other. My Dr. wasn't there today, so I couldn't ask his opinion on the matter, so I ended up scheduling another U/S for Tuesday and I guess I'll put a call out to my Dr. on Monday to get his opinion.

Emotionally, this is just so draining. I consider myself to be a very strong person, who never gives up on things. But its tough to keep getting beat down day after day, week after week, and having to keep digging down deep to pull myself back up.

It seems that each time we are faced with more adversity, things then become tense between Craig and I. He feels he can't say the right thing to me, I feel like he's trying to be supportive but its coming across the wrong way and then I feel like I'm on my own. I know he loves me with all his heart, and I know he'd do anything in the world for me, that is one of the few certainties I know in my life. He is trying to be positive with me but sometimes it comes across that he's telling me I need always have a positive outlook and that when I don't have that positive outlook, its making my body not work right. I wish it were just that simple. I wish that were a simple cure, a simple fix for why I'm not ovulating properly.

Our biggest burden at this point is financial. I have good health insurance, however it only covers the diagnostic part of my infertility....... so they cover the multiple ultrasounds I have been having monthly (I still have a $35 copay each time I go for one --) I'm at 3 already for 16 days in the month of Feb and now possibly a fourth on Tuesday-- so there's $140 plus my clomid and ovidrel trigger that aren't covered by my insurance either..... thats another $70 a month ....... it just shouldn't have to be such a pain in the ass to get PG and have a baby!!!! If we decide to move on to doing an IUI, it will be completely out of pocket, including my U/S's I believe since it will no longer be for "mid-cycle monitoring" so we're easily looking at $800 for one month of trying with an IUI.........how does that just fit into a monthly budget?? It really doesn't!!!! I believe I could benefit from injectible meds, however, there again, they are not covered by my insurance and are no where near affordable in comparrison to say Clomid and Ovidrel.

I just don't know.....my head hurts, my heart aches, and I feel like my spirit is broken. How do I get it back?? How do I get back to "ME".

I don't know......... what I do know is the following:
1. I'm not at the point where I'm ready to give up on the hopes of having a child.....I'm nowhere near giving up
2. I don't want my marriage to suffer. I want my husband to be able to understand what I am going thru and that I'm doing my best to be upbeat and positive, but its not all sunshine and roses, and his strength, support and love are more important and more needed that anything else in the world.
3. I am going to keep fighting the good fight for as long as I can. I'm going to dig deep to continue to have faith in God, which is something I am really struggling with these days.

I do believe that one day we will be parents to a beautiful baby, and I pray it will be sooner than later.

Well.....the U/S blew!!!

So we went for my CD 15 U/S on Weds (I barely made it to the office in Tampa on time after flying out of work). So I get in the exam room for the U/S, and 2 sonographers come in.....one I think may be new there, and not very experienced. Well, much to my surprise, I was nowhere near ready to Trigger...... they said I had "lots of Follicles" but none of them were near mature enough.....my largest was 13 mm....gotta be atleast 19 mm to Trigger........shit.......shit........shit!!!!

I cannot believe this!!! The cycle I got PG, I was ripe and ready to trigger on CD 15......... SO, now I have to go back AGAIN on Saturday for another U/S (another friggin' copay-- twice in one week)Geez........ and hope and pray my ass off that I have a Follie that has developed and is mature enough....... I still can't believe it!!!!

I guess God doesn't think I've been through enough in the past few months, that he now wants to test me by making things "off" with my cycle......... I just don't get it!!!! The thought that I've wasted 3 copays/office visits in one month, and $100 of medications for the month really tweaks me........... the thought of the mere possibility of having to sit out another cycle is.........well........ devistating to me..... I don't know.

My entire day at work today and thru the evening has been me trying to rationalize whats going on, trying to keep myself calm, and most importantly trying to stay positive. I'm really holding out hope that I'll have a well developed follie.

I think what is weighing heaviest on my mind is the fact that I'm paranoid that the new sonographer girl could have missed a better developed follie than the 13 mm one, and that I infact should have triggered Weds night. As always my mind is filled with what ifs, and I hopes, and I'm scared thats, its just all so overwhelming sometimes. I wish there was an easier way to deal and cope with the shit life that is Infertility.

Oh well........ my head is tired and my heart is heavy

Digging Deep for Faith and Belief

So I finally got coverage at work so I can go to my U/S tomorrow (the CD15 one where I find out if I trigger tomorrow night or not). (I almost wasn't able to find coverage, and was actully contemplating just doing my trigger shot without the U/S --I know, not the best idea, but the thought of wasting another cycle after our two month forced break seemed unthinkable-- I probably still would have done it if I thought my RE wouldn't find out and drop me as a patient if he did find out........) Luckily, I don't have to go there.

For some reason, I'm almost afraid to have any interest in this cycle, like if I have interest, then I have to have hope and I'm so afraid of being disappointed with a failed cyle. I guess its like riding a bike, as they say, if you fall off, you have to get back up, get back on and keep riding.

So I'm really struggling, trying to dig deep for some faith that this cycle will be once again our "Lucky" cycle and we'll soon know we're on the road to a baby again. Then my battle with faith and belief will turn to stress about m/c'ing again. It just seems to be a never ending roller coaster!!!

Please oh Please, let this be the cycle my sadness and loss fade a little and some joy re-enters my life.

It just doesn't get any easier!

So today, while I was outside working like a mad woman on a new landscaping section of our yard, I was happy to have my hands busy on such a beautiful day (about 72 degrees) and to have my mind distracted from everything but where am I going to put each of the flowers I just bought. I had my Ipod on singing away to one of my favorite play lists and then it happened...... I looked down my street and my neighbor from around the corner was taking her little girl for a walk with her mom. The three of them came up the street blissful and enjoying our gorgeous weather. The little girl is maybe 1 1/2 yrs old-- old enough to walk on her own so maybe 2? As they got closer to my yard, I started to get a little panic-y and had to walk into the garage, it was just too hard for me to look at this sweet, cute, innocent little angel of a girl........ Seeing this sweet little miracle walking by made me instantly start to cry. It instantly took me back to my Miscarriage and the fact that if I hadn't m/c'd I'd be a week away from being 20 weeks PG.....half way there.......

Ironically, a song came on my Ipod by Emerson Drive, "I've had my moments", and thats all it took, the flood gates opened and I stood there crying all by myself watching this little girl walk up the street while I listened to my life being sung in a song:

"I've had my moments,

Days in the sun,

Moments, I was second to none,

Moments, when I finally did what I

thought I couldn't do"

Now I know that song is about someone almost committing suicide, and NO I'm not in "that" place.......no where near it. But those words do ring true to my ears....... We waited so long to get PG, many many many agonizing, disappointint months, then to finally get there after I was starting to convince myself that we may not get to become parents.....

My Husband came out to see how the landscaping was going (he was getting ready for work), he could tell I was upset, and I told him what had just happened with the little girl walking up the street. He of course, being the rock in my life, hugged me and simply said "We will get our chance". I don't know what I'd ever do without him and I thank God every day that he is in my life. I thank God that he loves me more than anything, and would do anything for me. I thank God that he loves me and does not resent me not being able to give him a child (yet).

We will get there, like he said, I do believe we will get our chance to parents, and I pray this month (Feb) will be our lucky month. I actually have a really good feeling about it this month, so I'll be praying hard that all this stress and heartache will soon be over and we can have our family.

I don't know what my deal is this cycle. I finished my Clomid mid week last week, and it usually makes me emotional, but like ANGRY and Easily Annoyed emotional (my first few days on it this cycle were like that), but ever since, I'm crying at everything....... songs, things people say, I even broke down and cried on the phone with my RE's office after they switched the office I have to go to for my CD15 U/S, (which is a huge inconvenience for me with work this coming week). Auuuugggghhhhh.............. I don't know........ I just want this IF struggle to be over.

Okay-- I'm off to put my hands back into the soil and get in touch with the earth again, hopefully today will not include any more emotional breakdowns, (as it is I just cried writing this blog).

Starting Over

Well, I'm restarting my blog. I had another one and when I "cleaned" up my computer yesterday, I deleted the link to it from my fav's and now I cannot remember what email I used and get back to it!

Oh well, sometimes new starts are good right??

This blog is about my Infertility. I'll put it right out there, no point in hiding behind it.

Anyone who has dealt with IF knows what a rotten bitch it is. It not only takes a toll on your body physically, but I almost think the mental and emotional tolls it takes is way worse. I have whats called PCOS with IR (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome with Insulin Resistance). Which means instead of my body producing and egg and then ovulating every month like it should, the eggs that are supposed to release don't and become cysts on my ovaries. I was officially diagnosed with PCOS two years ago, and stayed under the care of my GYN and after 5 unmonitored cycles of Clomid (my GYN gave a Rx with 5 refills and told me to come back when I was PG----Yeah-- if it were only that friggin' easy). I finally got refered to a specialist last year , actually a year ago this month (Feb). My RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) got my PCOS symptoms under control, did alot of testing, (inc. an SA for my Husband) and finally this past fall we started to use Clomid (to help me ovulate) and I was closely monitored atleast 2-3 times a month each month with Internal U/S to make sure I didn't have any cysts, and that each month my follicle development was where it should be and then I'd give myself an injection in the stomach of whats called Ovidrel, which ensures that I will Ovulate.

Finally in November of 2007 we felt truly blessed when we found out we were finally Pregnant!!! We had 3 1/2 weeks of Pregnant bliss, where we told family and very close friends our good news, we scoured the internet picking out our top picks for baby bedding if it was a boy or a girl, we even visited baby names websites picking out our favorites. We excitedly drove to my RE's office for my 1st U/S appointment, and as we both sat in the lobby, we couldn't wait to heard our baby's heartbeat ..........

Sadly, that is a sound we never got to hear. As they did the U/S my Dr. began to tell me that the baby had stopped growing and it was no longer a viable pregnancy. He continued to talk, but I never heard another word he said over my sobs and begging God to not let this be happening. However, no matter how much I begged God, we still M/C'd. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. (right up there with my dad passing away when I was 22 years old (my dad was only 48 years old)).

Physically the Miscarriage was aweful. Two days of awefulness. Mentally, I think even two months later I'm dealing with trying to recover from this loss. I never knew something so tiny that was only with us a month, could hurt my soul and spirit so badly when it was quickly taken away. My heart still aches from our loss and I think I will always have a very special little place in my heart for my angel that is now in heaven. I pray each night that our angel is safe and content and peaceful up in Heaven with my dad.

Back when I lost my dad 14 years ago, I was very hurt and angry....... And I questioned God. I know we are not supposed to question God, but with such a huge loss, how could I not question His reasons for taking my dad away from us. It took me a solid couple of years to begin to again have faith in God again.

When we miscarried, I again began to question God. I hate that I've felt this way twice in my life, yet I don't understand why I keep suffering losses. Yeah-- I get the whole "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" crap......... do I agree with it? sometimes........ do I think its fair that so many people in this world have had to suffer over so much loss and hurt......no way.

So this month we are back in the game after a forced 2 month break by my RE. I'm back on Clomid, and will go on Feb 13th for another u/s and most likely do my Ovidrel trigger shot that night and then hope and pray that we find out we'll be having a baby on the way come November............ in the meantime I'll continue to drive myself crazy with proper timing, and then after that, the ridiculous over analyzation of every single symptom that I have will keep me occupied for the next two weeks (in what we call the 2 week wait).

So I guess thats all for now.