Can Your Heart Smile and Cry at the Same Time?

Can your heart Smile and Cry at the same time? I guess I never really gave that statement much thought until the other day while I was working out at the Gym. I was catching my breath in between sets, and along comes a woman with her young little boy. He was the cutest little thing, hanging onto her hand, almost running to keep up with her(he couldn't have even been two years old). As he got close to me his tiny little hand shot up in the air, and he looked right into my eyes, he waved and say "HI!!" I smiled and waved back and said Hi back to him.

My heart instantly began to smile (and it brought a smile to my face as well). I thought to myself, he is just adorable, it just doesn't get any sweeter than that. Then in the same instant, my heart grew very sad. I almost became panicked, as I thought to myself, "what if I never ever get to experience that?? What will I do? How will I survive?" What if I never get my chance at having a baby of my own?? Just the thought of that has me once again in tears as I sit here and type this.

The unknown is so unfair. When I was younger I always thought it was so exciting to not have a clue what the future held for me. To wonder about what may lie ahead for me. Now I find those thoughts petrifying.

I guess this seems so much more difficult for me right now because we are on a TTC break. At first it was voluntary, for two months, and we were supposed to try again this month (Sept) however, we had some things in the house that needed repair and we are also traveling up to NY for 2 1/2 weeks for my brothers wedding soon, so despite our overwhelming desire to have a baby, our financial obligations had to come first. Being an adult and having to choose between those two things really sucks, but I guess thats just the way life is. Everything else in my life has been beyond my control for the past couple years or so (atleast where TTC is concerned) so why should now be any different?

Hopefully after we get back from NY, we can see what we can work out to try another cycle. We still have some of C.'s boys' on ice at the RE, although I'd much prefer to do a fresh attempt. I guess we'll have to see what our finances look like when we get home.

I HATE that my Goddamned insurance sucks balls and doesn't pay for any tx's for TTC (they will pay for diagnostics and labs etc, which I guess is something) but they will not pay for actual procedures. I actually wrote a loooong letter to the head of my company out in Cali. I haven't heard back from him yet, and I am thinking if I don't hear back soon, atleast acknowledging he rec'd my email, then I will resend it. I send him a good deal of data on employers covering Fertility tx's, along with some personal feelings on the issue. We'll see if it gets me anywhere. (I work for a very very large company, so I doubt it will) but atleast I'll know I tried to do something instead of sit back and accept it.

I guess I'm in an exceptionally emotional mood today (AF arrived yesterday after toying with me for a friggin WEEK of spotting. Like the same kind of spotting I had right before I got my BFP a year ago......... and she came in with a bang yesterday!!) So of course, I am a crybaby. I was yesterday and I am today. Earlier today I was straightening my spare bedroom for when my MIL is here furbaby sitting while we're in NY, and I opened up our wedding pictures album.......Yep- you guessed it..... I BAWLED!!!! Although I think it was a good thing to look through those (we'll be married 4 years in Dec). I really looked at the expression on my husbands face in a couple of the pictures during our ceremony, and the look on his face is what really made me start crying. I could see just how much he loves me in those photos. The look on his face looking into my eyes is so precious, it warms my heart. Definately a picture I will cherish all my life.

I opened up an email inbox that I don't go into very often yesterday. The first email on the lists' subject title was this:
"Baby Growth.........Your Infant at Two Months!!!"
Ain't that a big kick in the ass!!!?? Thanks so much for reminding me that I should have a two month old baby right now.......... That's why I don't go into that email very often!!

Alright-- I guess thats enough wallowing in self pity for today. I better get back to doing some stuff around this house, as I'm sure this week is going to fly by getting ready to leave for NY (which, have I mentioned I am TOTALLY Psyched about!!???
We'll be on the road one week from today at this time!!! YAY!!)

Or........maybe I'll go to the Gym and excise a few demons.........

My Crafty Creativeness!!

Well, I don't really have much to blog about today, besides the fact that we are just a short 16 days from leaving for our 2 1/2 week vacation to upstate NY!! (I'm just a wee bit excited about that!!)

Anyhow, I was going though some pictures and came across some of the jewelry that I have been making. (I have these for sale on my other blog:)

http://zencreationshandmadejewelry.blogspot.com/

After I had my miscarriage I made the top bracelet for me to always have the memory of my angel that we lost. I used red swarovski crystals and a ruby center stone as our little one would have been due in July. It also has angel wings symbolic of our angel and two teardrop crystals to symbolize the tears we shed over our loss. Every time I wear it, I feel a bit of inner peace each time I look at those wings.

The second bracelet pictured is called "Fortune" and is made with Rose Quartz and Jade and adorned with a turtle charm which most girls dealing with IF know is a symbol of Fertility.

I'm considering making a new line for new Mommies with Swarovski Crystals in the birth month of the baby, and maybe even the baby's name in the bracelet. I'm mulling over designs, although I'm not sure how much of a seller they would be.

I'm also currently working on a pretty set of a necklace, bracelet and earrings for my mom for my brothers wedding in a few weeks and a necklace and bracelet for myself as well. I'll be sure to post pictures of those when they are done!

Other than that, there really isn't much I have to report in about, so I guess I won't keep babbling!!

SUCCESS Is An Awesome Motivator!!!

My day started bright and early today with the prospect of fitting alot into the day. I woke early, got ready to go to the gym and was there by about 8:15am. I wish my job hours allowe me to hit the gym early every morning however, when you have to be at work at 5:15am, it really doesn't allow for anything beforehand. I have a ton of energy and a great sense of accomplishment throughout my day when I can look at the clock at 9:45 am and know that I've spent a great morning getting healthy and relieving any stress I might have.

Anyhow, I've been making some really great strides at the gym. When I think back to how I felt about myself 2 months ago (and how I looked to myself) when we joined the gym and then I look at where I am now, I can honestly say I am really proud of what I have accomplished so far and how much progress I have made! I started out huffin' and puffin' on the treadmill for 20 mins and moaning and groaning to myself the entire time, forcing myself to keep walking for "just two more minutes". The first week I started back working out, I "tried" the eliptical machine, thinking "It can't be THAT bad!!". Well, I found humiliation and became quite humbled quite quickly when I managed to barely hang in there for two minutes and thought I would face certain death after gettting off of it. Needless to say, I didn't go back near that eliptical machine for the past two months.........that was until earlier this week....... I decided it was time to face the BEAST and get back on and see if I could atleast manage 5 minutes after two months of lots and lots of cardio on the treadmill.

I hopped on, pressed play on the ipod, and not only did I make it 5 minutes, but soared right through 10 minutes!!!!!! (of course a tad bid of that was compliments of my AMP sugar free energy drink, but I'll take all the help anywhere I can get it!!) I was so proud of myself for pushing through that I then made my way over to the treadmill for another hour of intense high incline walking and felt like a million bucks afterwards!!

Man, what a difference 2 months of hard work and alot of perserverence can do for you!!!
(I'm a little proud of myself, so excuse the endless babble about it!!)

All totaled, I've lost about 10 pounds in the past two months, and I'm sure changed ALOT of ahem........F.A.T. into Muscle. I've lost about 3 inches in my waist, and about 3 in my hips. I can see a big difference in my legs, but especially my tummy!!!!! (I'm very interested to see how much my BMI has dropped, but it was kinda horrifying to see those numbers two months ago, and I'm pretty much petrified to do the test again in fears that it really hasn't dropped as much as I think it has, but I'm probably just being paranoid right?)

Anyhow, up until today, I've continued to doubt my progress even though I can see changes in how I look in the mirror and how my clothes are quite a bit looser now. After shopping today, I'm a true believer that I'm actually making PROGRESS!!!!!

After the gym, my mom and I set out to go dress shopping for my brothers upcoming wedding which is just about 1 month away in upstate NY. I tried on a pretty dress in JC Penney in my normal size and it just didn't fit right. The top was just too baggy, and it didn't sit right, so we decided to move on to another store. We heading into Dillards to shop as we've had good luck there before. I found about 5 dresses to try on, and headed into the dressing room with the first one. I put it on, zipped it up, and liked it. I came out of the dressing room, and was looking in the big mirror. My mom and I both liked it on me, but it still just didn't fit right...... too loose on top and a bit too flowy at the waistline. We decided maybe I should try a size down to see if it fit better, so I shuffled over to the rack to look for a smaller size. Of course there wasn't one size down, but there was two sizes down.............. I brought it back to the dressing room FULL of doubt, sure it wouldn't fit, or I wouldn't be able to zip it, or that I'd bulge out of it somewhere.

Well imagine the SHEER JOY I felt when it fit like a glove!!!!!!!!!!

I'VE SHRANK TWO DRESS SIZES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so elated, I almost cried. Thank God for progress.

There's no better motivator as far as I'm concerned than that!! Now I definately have something to keep working hard at when I'm at the gym. Everytime I want to step off that treadmill, I'll think about all the progress I've made in the past two months, and where I'll be two months from now, and will keep on truckin'!!

So, thats my feel good blog for the week. I'm really proud of myself and it feels good to say that! It feels good to feel good about something in my life when I have alot of things I don't really feel that great about!!

(Incidentally I have to give a shout out to C. as well, as he is really making great strides at the gym too. I'm proud of him for staying dedicated to it, and to getting healthier. WAY TO GO BABE!!)

Oh, and by the way, I'm up to 17 minutes on the Eliptical machine (in one weeks progress!!!)
How's that for perserverence!!!?

Tagged!!

I have been Tagged!!
I don't think in all my time blogging, I have actually been tagged, so this will be a first for me....... (I'm kinda boring though, so I don't know how interesting it will be, but here it goes none the less.
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

I was Tagged by Peachy (her link is on my list)

6 random things about me:

1. I am anal retentive and super detail focused at my job (well, I am holding my patients' lives in my hands on a daily basis, ie: the intent focus). I get so annoyed when I see my coworkers doing things they shouldn't be doing, it drives me up a wall. At home, I am the complete opposite. I do things however I feel like doing them and oh well if no one else likes my style of doing things.......... its odd to me to be so different from work and at home.

2. I am a total joker and love to fool around and make people laugh, and this leads people to believe that I am SUPER outgoing..........truth is, I feel I am really the total opposite. I am not really a people person at all. I hate talking on the phone and find it very annoying to have to do so most days. Honestly, around people I don't know, I feel so far outside my comfort zone, that I sometimes freeze up and don't know what to say to people. Once I trust you though or have built some sort of relationship with you, its hard to shut me up though.

3. I grew up in Upstate NY and have lived down in FL for 8 years. I daydream on a daily basis about moving back up to NY. I miss so much about NY, but I fear we'd move back up there, and winter would roll in and I'd shut down. As I sit here in FL today, at a whpopping 92 degrees, with a heat index of about 103 degrees, I long for snow (okay--thats an exageration, but I do long for cool fall days, when you throw on jeans and a hoodie, and go for a walk in the leaves, then come back in a have a nice cup of hot tea.) (**by the way, is that actually two random things? That I grew up in NY AND I daydream about moving back?)

4. I have two dogs and a cat. I adopted my one dog Jazzmine, when she was a mere 5 weeks old, but couldn't bring her home from the SPCA until she was 6 weeks old. If ever a dog was just like it's owner, it would be Jazzmine. I honestly don't think she knows she's a dog. I love her to pieces, even if she does fart and drool alot.

5. I used to love to run as a child........now, I can't stand the thought of running!! (although getting back into working out these past two months, it has become one of my goals to be able to jog on the treadmill ) Every summer my town had a community festival with races/competitions for kids and I kicked butt in alot of the running ones. My parents used to have a big board with all my ribbons on it. I wonder what happened to all those ribbons all these years later? Hmmmm....

6. Geez---its hard to write so much just about me!!!!! Lets see...... I have one brother. He still lives in upstate NY and is getting married in a few weeks up there. (24 days til we leave for NY).
We totally didn't like each other very much growing up. Actually I adored him and wanted to be around him constantly. He on the other hand, being 5 years older than me wanted nothing to do with me at all. We used to get in the worst fights (even though I was smaller than him, I thought I could "take him". Once we got older and grew out of it, we became really really close. Especially after my dad passed away (when I was 22 and my brother was 27). Now we love spending time together and always have tons of laughes and good times.

Okay--
now I have to tag some people (although I don't think I'll tag 6)

JackieMac

The Wright's

(okay-- I am a dummy, because I've tried to link their blogs 3 times and it hasn't worked-- I'm clueless!) Their links are over in my blog list!!

I Need To Let It Go........

so why can't I??

As I was getting ready to go to a job interview earlier today, I was looking for something in my medicine cabinet..... I don't really go in there very often as odd as that sounds, as I don't really keep anything I use frequently up there.

As I looked up on the top shelf, there they sat. Like a beacon calling me towards them...... there sat my old Positive PG tests from last November....... ALL SIX OF THEM!!! Two digital strips and four other tests that were all positive. I should have gotten rid of them by now right?? I mean after all my child should have been born in July and I would have had no need to keep such a silly memento as a positive PG test right? Well, it seems as though those PG tests are all I have left to hang on to from my lost Pregnancy. I have no U/S pictures, as when we had our 1st U/S we found there was no Heartbeat and that the sac wasn't in the place it should have been (ie: I was getting ready to m/c).

All I have as a reminder of the little one we lost is a few Postive PG tests, a angel miscarriage bracelet I made to remind me of our baby, an adorable winnie the pooh outfit that my cousin and Aunt sent when they found out we were PG, and the one and only thing I bought the week after we got our BFP, a cute package of baby bottles with baby snoopy on them.

Oh, and did I mention the hole in my heart that will forever be there, that nothing will ever fill? We can't leave that out now can we?

Why can I not bring myself to throw out those PG tests??? Everything else is tucked away somewhere (except the bracelet and my heartache) so I don't have to look at it everyday....... From a healthy viewpoint, I know mentally its not healthy to hang on to such a thing, as it serves as a reminder of something painful. I think I simply am grasping to the one real thing I have left since I have nothing else.

I don't know........

Our plan was originally to take July and August off for a mental break that we both badly needed. Now its September and we're not back on track..... financially we just have too much going on right now. I had to make a trip up to NY in August and we are planning a two week trip up to NY again in October for my brothers wedding. So it became either save our extra money so we don't miss my brothers wedding (which I would never miss for anything) or spend another $800 for a cycle trying...... October is out as we will be in NY and couldn't do monitoring anyway, so now it looks like MAYBE November before we jump back in.

I feel like with each month that passes, my dream keeps slipping further and further away. I actually feel like I have days where our dream of having a child is never going to happen. I often feel like I should start to do some research on Living Childless, but anytime I get any further than the search results, it ends in my sobbing, and not being able to even bring myself to read whats on the screen in front of me. So I guess thats my minds' way of telling me I'm not at that point yet.

I don't really have much else of a point to this blog, besides putting on virtual paper that I know I SHOULD move on (past the PG tests, the PG we lost etc), but I just can't.......not yet.........