Good Bye 2008!!

Well, this will be my last post of 2008 here and I'm gladly sending 2008 off with a swift kick and no love lost.

2008 has really been a pretty sucky rotten year. I don't need to go over all of why it sucked so bad, you could easily read through my blog for the past 11 months and see for yourself just how sucky it has been.

I have some goals for 2009.

I'm vowing to enter into 2009 with renewed hope and faith that this IS the year we WILL be blessed with a Healthy and Lasting Pregnancy.

Until we get our BFP, I will be in the gym working my butt off (hopefully it will really shrink lol) and I will be doing my best to get my body healthy and my mind and heart healed and in a better place.

I also will strive to not let IF beat me. (it kicked my ass pretty bad in 2008 and brought me so far down I couldn't see a way out). I will also not let IF hurt my relationship with C. When its all said and done, we will still always have each other to lean on for love and support.

I don't really have much else to say about 2008 besides it sucked.

To 2009, I can only hope and pray that you will show C. and I some kindness and compassion, and help us through our IF journey, and bless us with what we have been hoping and praying for for such a long time. I also pray that you will bless the women on the TTTC board who also have endured more than anyone should in our common goal to become mothers.

To all who read my blog, I wish each of you a Happy and Healthy 2009 and may all your dreams and wishes come true.

God Bless !

Made it Through The Day.....

Well...
its Christmas Day... (well its almost over actually). C. and I spent a nice Christmas Day together today. We both slept in a little (well only til 8:45 am, but that is sleeping late for me. We got up, walked the dogs and then opened Christmas gifts. I told myself that I was going to do my best not to cry today. (every Christmas past, I usually have a crying session because I really miss my dad and more recently missing our little Baby G. that is in heaven.) Well, I was doing well on my non-crying mission, until I opened my "biggie" gift from C. He got me a new wedding band !! (My original wedding band (the one that was blessed by the priest when we got married) has diamonds in it, and working in healthcare, I'm constantly using hand sanitizer that is loaded with alcohol and it has started to make the gold get a little funky, so I stopped wearing it so it wouldn't get ruined. My new wedding band is plain and simple, and I adore it. This of course, brings me to the "tears" part. After I opened it, C. said, did you look inside? Its engraved. Inside is engraved with a sweet saying that C. has always put in every card he has ever given me. So of course, I read it, and burst into tears, which of course then made C. start crying because I was crying. C. also got me a beautiful new necklace that has a pendant on it. One side has a beautiful cross, and on the other it says "Faith". It too is lovely and I adore it. I am spoiled by C. and I hope he is as happy with his gifts as I am with mine.

I got a grip after that bout, and was doing dishes in the kitchen and it really started to sink in that 2008 should have been our childs' first Christmas-- our baby should be 5 months old right now and not too far from crawling. Instead we sit with empty arms and aching hearts. So then while cleaning off my desk, I found a little teddy bear ornament I had bought a few days ago for our Christmas tree. (I wanted to do it last year, but couldn't bring myself to do it, as the pain was simply to raw as I had just m/c'd a few weeks before). So, I wrote a special message on the teddy bear ornament and then shared it with C. before hanging it on the tree. It says: "In our Lives for only a short while, but in our Hearts forever" and on the back, it says "Baby G." and "2007" for when baby G was conceived.) I showed it to C. and I started to cry ....AGAIN.... and then he started to cry as well, knowing what this little teddy bear ornament represents. We hugged it out, and finally got a grip, and then came into the living room and picked a special spot on our tree to hand the ornament.

The rest of the morning was quiet, and then in the afternoon, my mom and her bf came for dinner. Nice and low key and enjoyable. So, all in all it was an enjoyable day aside from the few emotional jags we had earlier in the day.

I'm anxious to leave 2008 behind as it was a pretty rough year in many many ways, and I'm hoping and praying that 2009 is going to be a much better one!

To anyone that reads this, I hope and pray that you have/had a very Merry Christmas and I wish each of you the best for a Great 2009!

What is This About?

Well, we are knee deep into the 2 WW here. As I said in my previous post, we did a medicated cycle with TI. We triggered Sunday night and got to work. Was our timing perfect? Don't think it was as optimal as we'd hoped, but we sure did try. (of course, we found ourselves smack back in the middle of all the stress and struggles that come with TI....... the stress is ridiculous!!!!)

So to the point of the title of the blog.....What is This?? I was working today and ran to the ladies room and had a swipe of brownish spotting. Of course my mind started realing, like WTF?? Of course, every time you see spotting like that, no matter what point you are at in your cycle, you start to freak out thinking AF is on the way at any moment. Throughout the day, I did have a couple more swipes with a light pink tinge to them?!!

Now those of us who are beyond infatuated with every single twinge and sign and symptom, think-- Spotting...... I wonder if it is Implantation? I am extreemly hopeful that is what this freak spotting is...... am I doubtful? Of course I am..... I've been down this road way too many times to not be doubtful. I instantly go with the thought that its just my messed up body doing whatever it wants to do yet again (and messing with my emotions as well). My mind keeps saying that it is too early for implantation.... I am 6 DPO ..... maybe.......maybe not!? I guess we'll know in another week. I guess I'll test on the 21st or 22nd (13 or 14 dpo) and we'll go from there (unless the wicked AF shows her ugly ass before then).

So, that is todays' madness and obsession. Stay tuned for more obsessing coming up!

Made it Through My Meltdown

Alright, I feel after re-reading my last post, I need to update all that a week later and I am much much better. I guess I just needed to get past that last milestone of sad reminders of what we lost. I made it........ I survived.

Thanksgiving morning, while in my kitchen by myself, getting our turkey ready for the oven, I stood and cried and then cried some more. I got the turkey in, and leashed up my dogs and decided to go for a nice long early morning walk with the pups. There is a really pretty pond down across the street from where we live, and it was so quiet and peaceful, no one was out and about, so my dogs and I enjoyed a nice long walk. One of those nice ones, where they are more than content doing their "doggie" things and you get just get lost in your own thoughts.

I sat on a bench and pondered some thoughts that had been running through my head, and worked through what was making my heart ache. About 45 mins later we headed back home and I felt much much better about things.

C. and I also had a talk, and have decided it was time to get back in the game. I think a huge part of all my doom and gloom has been magnified by the fact that we have been on a break. Don't get me wrong, we BOTH very much needed the break we took. Our hearts were heavy and our emotions were drained. Had we continued on, I don't know that either of us would have ended up in a very good place. So we made the right choice back in July to take a break, and now I believe in my heart that we are once again making the right choice by jumping back in.

We are doing a medicated cycle (Injectibles) however we will be doing TI this month. I just cannot justify doing an OOP IUI cycle with it being December and shelling out the extra money. We had previously talked with both our sides of the family, and with friends that we always exchange gifts with, and we all agreed to cut way back this year on spending (and agreed to not do gifts with some friends at all this year), however I know my immediate family doesn't really do well with "cutting back"--at the time we all think we are cutting back, but then when we sit with piles of gifts in front of us, we again swear that we all did way too much and will have to do better cutting back next year. So I don't feel "okay" with spending $$ on and IUI until after the new year.

I hope and pray we won't have to get to that point. The month we did get PG was a clomid cycle and TI, so we know it has happened in the past, so why not again right?

I don't really know how much I'll blog about this cycle, as sometimes it tends to fuel my madness and obsessing.........we'll see. Maybe not broadcasting every last intimate detail of whats going on with me might do the trick and help us get to our goal....... (that and the fact that I always seem to jinx myself by talking about stuff I should just keep to myself, but in excitement and hopefulness end up sharing with others.)

Anyhow-- that is what is new with me, this week, and I pray that my meltdowns will stay at bay, atleast until my 2 WW starts anyways........

I Can't Breathe

*** for those who read this, I'm giving you a heads up-- this is gonna be a sad one***

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,
A broken heart, That's still beating......

Exactly one year ago today, I headed to my RE, thrilled to pieces for my 1st U/S
to hear a heartbeat of the little one I was carrying inside me. C. and I nervously
waited for the Dr. and the U/S tech to come in. As soon as the U/S started, I knew
something was wrong. That was the day I found out I was going to M/C. Our angel
had stopped growing and was not in the right place.

I laid on that exam table begging God to please not do this. To please not take my
baby away. All my begging and pleading with Him did no good, as I went home and M/C'd the next day. (the Anniversary of the day I m/c'd is Thanksgiving Day this year).

A year ago, I felt so angry and sad, but mostly just numb. I cried for 5 days straight, wouldn't talk to a single person, except my mother and C. I didn't sleep for days. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

I managed to make it through all the milestone and anniversary dates (my EDD, the anniversary of the day we got our BFP) and survived and thought (well mostly hoped) that I'd get to this day and somehow be okay.

I am not okay.
I can't breathe.

It started on Sunday while shopping with my mother. Walking down a Christmas aisle in Joann's. I started to have a mini panic attack, started to get dizzy, felt like I couldn't breath. I almost started to cry and had to walk away from my mother, as I was embarrassed that I am still such a wreck a year later. I got a grip and my mom didn't catch on, Thank goodness.

I worked on Monday, and the entire day I just felt like I was being suffocated by the gloom and doom of what the next few days would hold. I had to keep biting my lip to not start crying in front of my patients. A co-worker asked if I was okay, all I could do was shake my head no, I started getting teary-eyed, and had to quickly change the subject while I fought off tears.

I managed to survive yesterday a little better. However, today, I am much worse off than the past two days. I stood in my kitchen 30 mins ago, cutting up bread to make homemade stuffing for tomorrow, I started sobbing. I flashed back to last year, when I was PREGNANT and cooking T-giving dinner for 12 people. I was so exhausted, yet thrilled to be doing it, knowing that on T-giving day, we'd all be expressing our thanks for the little gift that was growing inside me.

Now, here I am, one year later, with nothing more than I had a year ago and an empty broken heart and empty arms to add to it. I thought I'd be better by now, that I'd atleast have healed somehow.

I don't think I have. I think all I've learned to do is mask my pain, and to hide the pain from others.

I thought I was stronger than this. Apparently I am not. I am not strong at all, and I'm feeling pretty disappointed in myself for that. I've never let anything beat me, I've always fought back, always determined to come out on top.

THIS is beating me.

For those of you who read this, I apologize for the sadness of my blog, its really the only place I really allow myself to let it all out. I can't find it in me to lay it all out over and over again with C. Its not fair to him to have to hear me go on and on about it. I know he is sad too and is suffering, however he doesn't really talk to me much about it. I think he doesn't talk to me about it, as he is afraid it will make me even more sad than I already am. (I don't think thats possible though).

I think the time has come to talk to someone. Someone who can help me to either learn how to move past this pain, or atleast find ways to cope with it instead of masking it. All I know is its' beating me.

I feel like someone has their hands around my diaphragm and they keep squeezing it tighter and tighter until I feel like I can't even get a breath of air in me.

I think my inner pain is suffocating me.

I don't know much anymore. What I do know, is that I should have a 4 month old baby right now, who should be celebrating its first T-giving with C and I. I should be getting "My first Christmas" pictures taken of my baby to send in Christmas cards to all our family this year.

Instead I sit here, crying my heart out, wishing for what was, and what should be.

Wishing for something I may never have.

Sympathy Symptoms??

Okay-- I know this makes absolutely no sense at all, but for some reason I think I'm having "sympathy symptoms" from a year ago when I was PG at this time. It sounds absurd, this I know for sure, but I can't help but keep thinking this. I've been having nausea every morning from about 8 am til about noon (thats when my m/s was the worst when I was PG). My nips feel like they are on fire (again, how I felt when pg), I've been falling asleep on the couch at 7:30 at night(again, same as when I was PG) I've been having pinching/twinges down by my ovaries (same as when PG). Are you seeing a connection here? Do I think they are new PG symptoms? NOPE!!! We had poor timing this month, and it was another non-medicated cycle and I'm sure I don't "O" without meds. So I can only think that it is my sad brains' way of messing with me and and sadly clinging to what was a year ago.

Of course, as I previously wrote about, each day the past few weeks, have been filled with "last year at this time I was PG, and I remember feeling "this" and "that" on each day I was PG and happy. I remember all the happy emotions I felt and how tired I was, I even walked into a grocery store the other day, and as I walked by the greeting card aisle, I flashed back to one year ago, when DH and I stood there looking for a card, and I was gagging because something smelled so strong, I couldn't take it and had to leave the store.

What is it about my brain that I just can't seem to let go of these things?? It makes healing and moving on very difficult!!!

With each day that passes, and as I get close to the 1 year anniversary of the day I miscarried and our lives took a sad turn for the worse, I can't help but feel like I really haven't moved on and haven't healed. My heart still aches and feels quite empty. I feel like there will always be this gaping hole from the loss of my angel. It is filled with worry that I will never have a child. (again, of course all of this is compounded by the fact that we are on a break, so I'm feeling an amplified effect).

I wonder if I need to seek some professional help? Are my feelings natural and normal or am I truly having issues moving on? Even more so, do I need to move on? Obviously I can't stay stuck in this rut I feel I am in, but I also know based on my personality and traits, that I will never forget the angel I lost. I will never stop remembering even though we were PG for a rather short time. I will carry that emptiness with me always. When we lost our angel, I feel as though a part of my died too.

I wish some sort of divine intervention would shed some light down upon me and give me the answers I need. I've been driving myself insane for too long now, and feel as though this angst and hurt will never go away.

I don't deal well with loss at all (thats what happens when you dad passes away when you are 22 years old). I myself am not afraid of dying..... I do believe that there is so much more for us to experience when we are done here on earth, so much better stuff waiting. And that all the loved ones we've lost will be there waiting for us when we get there. What I am afraid of, is losing those I love and care about so deeply.

I think is all compounded by the fact that I don't really ever talk to anyone about how I feel. C. and I talk about this here and there, but I just can't bring myself to express my deepest fears and sadness. It seems to me its a big enough burden to carry myself, that I don't need to place any of that burden onto anyone else. I'm not depressed....... I'm very well aware of those S/S, and I don't fit the profile for depression (besides that, I don't feel I need another crutch such as an antidepressant. And I don't need anything to numb my feelings instead of healing them either).

I hate feeling so sad. I guess thats what it really boils down to.

S.A.D.

Deep Thoughts.......by Jack Handy

** I started this blog with a different title, but then it started going in all different directions so I have retitled it rather appropriately I think!**

And in honor of today's blog title, I will re-start it with a quote from Jack Handy himself.

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

Not for any reason in particular, it just is a better day. I made it through the "anniversary"of the day I got my BFP, and managed to survive it. I actually think the couple days leading up to it were almost harder than the actual day for some reason, but none the less, I made it through yet another sad milestone. Now I guess there is just one left to make it through, the anniversary of the day I m/c'd.

I've said it many times in previous blogs, but it is just so strange to me how easy it is for me to recall all my thoughts, feelings and emotions from each day that ticks by......... a YEAR ago. In the days after I got my BFP, I could easily tell you what I did each of those days in the first week or two after our good news. I went to Disney World, I went shopping for a new shower curtain for my bathroom I had painted right before I got my BFP, I remember how worn out I was after going shopping,, and came home and took a nap, and I remember exactly where I took that nap, and the position I laid in ............ Bizarre right??

I guess in someway, maybe its my subconscious holding onto things. Maybe I'm scared that I won't get to experience it again, so I'm clinging to the memories I do have from before. Maybe its because I don't really have anything but my memories to remember my baby by. I don't have an U/S picture to cling to, I don't have anything solid to remember my angel by, except my medical records from my old RE's office, where it is noted in detail about my M/C. Pretty sad huh??

I've been coming across alot of info online regarding using Positivity in Infertility in helping to get PG....... and I have to be honest here. I'm having a really hard time buying into it. Maybe its the shitty IF hand I've been dealt? Maybe, its the shitty hand I've been dealt all around in my life, not just when it comes to TTC? Everything I've ever gotten in my life, I've had to work really really hard for....... and I'm totally cool with that. I think its made me a better and stronger person because of it. I wouldn't want anything just handed to me. Where's the life experience in that??? I would however appreciate a break now and then......just a little something to make life a LITTLE easier.

So back to the positivity thing. I'm trying to be open to it. I'm trying to not be dismissive about it and trying to not just write it off as crap. I guess it will have to be a work in progress. I've had people suggest I read that book "The Secret", but I just can't bring myself to read it. I just can't deal with others telling me the whole cliche thing. " If you just relax and think positively, I bet you'll get PG". S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y??? Hmmmmmm..... to think 2 RE's should have been able to tell me that almost three years ago when we started this whole shitty TTC journey, and if it were truly the case, then I'd have atleast 2 kids by now right?

Bottom line....... if your body doesn't work right (whether it be PCOS like in my case, or Endo, or that your body won't cooperate in allowing implantation etc), your body doesn't work right..... and all the positive thinking in the world won't make a bit of difference......... It just won't!

So we'll see where this whole Positivity thing gets me....... those who know me well know I am not a Pessimist. I am a REALIST. This ain't my first time at the rodeo, and I've been around the block more times than I'd like to admit, so my money is not on the whole "be positive and get PG" thing............ at all.

A Year Later....and Still Heartbroken

Well here I sit on the eve of the one year anniversary of finding out we were PG!!! And here I sit, still with nothing, sad, heartbroken and still defeated. I managed to make it through the other painful "dates" like each milestone month that I should have been PG and our EDD in July. I didn't think I'd make it through my EDD but I did, and kinda figured that I'd made it through that date and that everything else would start to be a little easier. But here I sit, fighting back tears instead. I've been fighting them back for the last two days actually.

Why does the date still flash at me like a beacon light? Well that would be because I am STILL pathetic enough to have ALL FIVE BFP tests stashed away in my bathroom in a baggie. Each one is dated and the test time is noted on them and I can remember getting the 1st positive test like it happened yesterday, right down to the fact that I woke C. up at 4:45 in the morning to make him look at the test to see that faint 2nd line.

My heart just feels so heavy and empty. I still have a very hard time dealing with the fact that I should have a three month old beautiful baby right now, and I have NOTHING....... well -- I take that back, I have C. and my furbabies who make getting through each day bearable and I'm thankful for them each and every day.

But my arms and my heart and soul still are empty without the baby we were supposed to have. The heartbreak I still feel is enormous and so heavy. I feel so weighed down by the sorrow I still feel.

I imagine alot of this sorrow is multiplied by the fact that we are still on a break, but I think I will be making an appt w/ my RE before my Dec. cycle to see about doing a TI cycle with meds (we honestly cannot afford to do an OOP (out of pocket) IUI cycle the month of Christmas, especially since we just came back from at 2 1/2 week vacation in Upstate NY, but maybe a TI cycle would atleast start to give me a little hope again.......... I don't know..... I guess C. and I will have to have a sit down and talk it out and decide from there.

I'd hoped I'd be in a better place by now........ a year later, but I guess not. I guess the heartbreak, sorrow and missing part of my heart just isn't ready to let go of the sadness I feel over our lost angel. As I've written before, the most I can pray for is that our little angel is in Heaven with my dad, and they are watching over each other.

I guess thats all for now, and I'll go cry myself to sleep.

Can Your Heart Smile and Cry at the Same Time?

Can your heart Smile and Cry at the same time? I guess I never really gave that statement much thought until the other day while I was working out at the Gym. I was catching my breath in between sets, and along comes a woman with her young little boy. He was the cutest little thing, hanging onto her hand, almost running to keep up with her(he couldn't have even been two years old). As he got close to me his tiny little hand shot up in the air, and he looked right into my eyes, he waved and say "HI!!" I smiled and waved back and said Hi back to him.

My heart instantly began to smile (and it brought a smile to my face as well). I thought to myself, he is just adorable, it just doesn't get any sweeter than that. Then in the same instant, my heart grew very sad. I almost became panicked, as I thought to myself, "what if I never ever get to experience that?? What will I do? How will I survive?" What if I never get my chance at having a baby of my own?? Just the thought of that has me once again in tears as I sit here and type this.

The unknown is so unfair. When I was younger I always thought it was so exciting to not have a clue what the future held for me. To wonder about what may lie ahead for me. Now I find those thoughts petrifying.

I guess this seems so much more difficult for me right now because we are on a TTC break. At first it was voluntary, for two months, and we were supposed to try again this month (Sept) however, we had some things in the house that needed repair and we are also traveling up to NY for 2 1/2 weeks for my brothers wedding soon, so despite our overwhelming desire to have a baby, our financial obligations had to come first. Being an adult and having to choose between those two things really sucks, but I guess thats just the way life is. Everything else in my life has been beyond my control for the past couple years or so (atleast where TTC is concerned) so why should now be any different?

Hopefully after we get back from NY, we can see what we can work out to try another cycle. We still have some of C.'s boys' on ice at the RE, although I'd much prefer to do a fresh attempt. I guess we'll have to see what our finances look like when we get home.

I HATE that my Goddamned insurance sucks balls and doesn't pay for any tx's for TTC (they will pay for diagnostics and labs etc, which I guess is something) but they will not pay for actual procedures. I actually wrote a loooong letter to the head of my company out in Cali. I haven't heard back from him yet, and I am thinking if I don't hear back soon, atleast acknowledging he rec'd my email, then I will resend it. I send him a good deal of data on employers covering Fertility tx's, along with some personal feelings on the issue. We'll see if it gets me anywhere. (I work for a very very large company, so I doubt it will) but atleast I'll know I tried to do something instead of sit back and accept it.

I guess I'm in an exceptionally emotional mood today (AF arrived yesterday after toying with me for a friggin WEEK of spotting. Like the same kind of spotting I had right before I got my BFP a year ago......... and she came in with a bang yesterday!!) So of course, I am a crybaby. I was yesterday and I am today. Earlier today I was straightening my spare bedroom for when my MIL is here furbaby sitting while we're in NY, and I opened up our wedding pictures album.......Yep- you guessed it..... I BAWLED!!!! Although I think it was a good thing to look through those (we'll be married 4 years in Dec). I really looked at the expression on my husbands face in a couple of the pictures during our ceremony, and the look on his face is what really made me start crying. I could see just how much he loves me in those photos. The look on his face looking into my eyes is so precious, it warms my heart. Definately a picture I will cherish all my life.

I opened up an email inbox that I don't go into very often yesterday. The first email on the lists' subject title was this:
"Baby Growth.........Your Infant at Two Months!!!"
Ain't that a big kick in the ass!!!?? Thanks so much for reminding me that I should have a two month old baby right now.......... That's why I don't go into that email very often!!

Alright-- I guess thats enough wallowing in self pity for today. I better get back to doing some stuff around this house, as I'm sure this week is going to fly by getting ready to leave for NY (which, have I mentioned I am TOTALLY Psyched about!!???
We'll be on the road one week from today at this time!!! YAY!!)

Or........maybe I'll go to the Gym and excise a few demons.........

My Crafty Creativeness!!

Well, I don't really have much to blog about today, besides the fact that we are just a short 16 days from leaving for our 2 1/2 week vacation to upstate NY!! (I'm just a wee bit excited about that!!)

Anyhow, I was going though some pictures and came across some of the jewelry that I have been making. (I have these for sale on my other blog:)

http://zencreationshandmadejewelry.blogspot.com/

After I had my miscarriage I made the top bracelet for me to always have the memory of my angel that we lost. I used red swarovski crystals and a ruby center stone as our little one would have been due in July. It also has angel wings symbolic of our angel and two teardrop crystals to symbolize the tears we shed over our loss. Every time I wear it, I feel a bit of inner peace each time I look at those wings.

The second bracelet pictured is called "Fortune" and is made with Rose Quartz and Jade and adorned with a turtle charm which most girls dealing with IF know is a symbol of Fertility.

I'm considering making a new line for new Mommies with Swarovski Crystals in the birth month of the baby, and maybe even the baby's name in the bracelet. I'm mulling over designs, although I'm not sure how much of a seller they would be.

I'm also currently working on a pretty set of a necklace, bracelet and earrings for my mom for my brothers wedding in a few weeks and a necklace and bracelet for myself as well. I'll be sure to post pictures of those when they are done!

Other than that, there really isn't much I have to report in about, so I guess I won't keep babbling!!

SUCCESS Is An Awesome Motivator!!!

My day started bright and early today with the prospect of fitting alot into the day. I woke early, got ready to go to the gym and was there by about 8:15am. I wish my job hours allowe me to hit the gym early every morning however, when you have to be at work at 5:15am, it really doesn't allow for anything beforehand. I have a ton of energy and a great sense of accomplishment throughout my day when I can look at the clock at 9:45 am and know that I've spent a great morning getting healthy and relieving any stress I might have.

Anyhow, I've been making some really great strides at the gym. When I think back to how I felt about myself 2 months ago (and how I looked to myself) when we joined the gym and then I look at where I am now, I can honestly say I am really proud of what I have accomplished so far and how much progress I have made! I started out huffin' and puffin' on the treadmill for 20 mins and moaning and groaning to myself the entire time, forcing myself to keep walking for "just two more minutes". The first week I started back working out, I "tried" the eliptical machine, thinking "It can't be THAT bad!!". Well, I found humiliation and became quite humbled quite quickly when I managed to barely hang in there for two minutes and thought I would face certain death after gettting off of it. Needless to say, I didn't go back near that eliptical machine for the past two months.........that was until earlier this week....... I decided it was time to face the BEAST and get back on and see if I could atleast manage 5 minutes after two months of lots and lots of cardio on the treadmill.

I hopped on, pressed play on the ipod, and not only did I make it 5 minutes, but soared right through 10 minutes!!!!!! (of course a tad bid of that was compliments of my AMP sugar free energy drink, but I'll take all the help anywhere I can get it!!) I was so proud of myself for pushing through that I then made my way over to the treadmill for another hour of intense high incline walking and felt like a million bucks afterwards!!

Man, what a difference 2 months of hard work and alot of perserverence can do for you!!!
(I'm a little proud of myself, so excuse the endless babble about it!!)

All totaled, I've lost about 10 pounds in the past two months, and I'm sure changed ALOT of ahem........F.A.T. into Muscle. I've lost about 3 inches in my waist, and about 3 in my hips. I can see a big difference in my legs, but especially my tummy!!!!! (I'm very interested to see how much my BMI has dropped, but it was kinda horrifying to see those numbers two months ago, and I'm pretty much petrified to do the test again in fears that it really hasn't dropped as much as I think it has, but I'm probably just being paranoid right?)

Anyhow, up until today, I've continued to doubt my progress even though I can see changes in how I look in the mirror and how my clothes are quite a bit looser now. After shopping today, I'm a true believer that I'm actually making PROGRESS!!!!!

After the gym, my mom and I set out to go dress shopping for my brothers upcoming wedding which is just about 1 month away in upstate NY. I tried on a pretty dress in JC Penney in my normal size and it just didn't fit right. The top was just too baggy, and it didn't sit right, so we decided to move on to another store. We heading into Dillards to shop as we've had good luck there before. I found about 5 dresses to try on, and headed into the dressing room with the first one. I put it on, zipped it up, and liked it. I came out of the dressing room, and was looking in the big mirror. My mom and I both liked it on me, but it still just didn't fit right...... too loose on top and a bit too flowy at the waistline. We decided maybe I should try a size down to see if it fit better, so I shuffled over to the rack to look for a smaller size. Of course there wasn't one size down, but there was two sizes down.............. I brought it back to the dressing room FULL of doubt, sure it wouldn't fit, or I wouldn't be able to zip it, or that I'd bulge out of it somewhere.

Well imagine the SHEER JOY I felt when it fit like a glove!!!!!!!!!!

I'VE SHRANK TWO DRESS SIZES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so elated, I almost cried. Thank God for progress.

There's no better motivator as far as I'm concerned than that!! Now I definately have something to keep working hard at when I'm at the gym. Everytime I want to step off that treadmill, I'll think about all the progress I've made in the past two months, and where I'll be two months from now, and will keep on truckin'!!

So, thats my feel good blog for the week. I'm really proud of myself and it feels good to say that! It feels good to feel good about something in my life when I have alot of things I don't really feel that great about!!

(Incidentally I have to give a shout out to C. as well, as he is really making great strides at the gym too. I'm proud of him for staying dedicated to it, and to getting healthier. WAY TO GO BABE!!)

Oh, and by the way, I'm up to 17 minutes on the Eliptical machine (in one weeks progress!!!)
How's that for perserverence!!!?

Tagged!!

I have been Tagged!!
I don't think in all my time blogging, I have actually been tagged, so this will be a first for me....... (I'm kinda boring though, so I don't know how interesting it will be, but here it goes none the less.
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

I was Tagged by Peachy (her link is on my list)

6 random things about me:

1. I am anal retentive and super detail focused at my job (well, I am holding my patients' lives in my hands on a daily basis, ie: the intent focus). I get so annoyed when I see my coworkers doing things they shouldn't be doing, it drives me up a wall. At home, I am the complete opposite. I do things however I feel like doing them and oh well if no one else likes my style of doing things.......... its odd to me to be so different from work and at home.

2. I am a total joker and love to fool around and make people laugh, and this leads people to believe that I am SUPER outgoing..........truth is, I feel I am really the total opposite. I am not really a people person at all. I hate talking on the phone and find it very annoying to have to do so most days. Honestly, around people I don't know, I feel so far outside my comfort zone, that I sometimes freeze up and don't know what to say to people. Once I trust you though or have built some sort of relationship with you, its hard to shut me up though.

3. I grew up in Upstate NY and have lived down in FL for 8 years. I daydream on a daily basis about moving back up to NY. I miss so much about NY, but I fear we'd move back up there, and winter would roll in and I'd shut down. As I sit here in FL today, at a whpopping 92 degrees, with a heat index of about 103 degrees, I long for snow (okay--thats an exageration, but I do long for cool fall days, when you throw on jeans and a hoodie, and go for a walk in the leaves, then come back in a have a nice cup of hot tea.) (**by the way, is that actually two random things? That I grew up in NY AND I daydream about moving back?)

4. I have two dogs and a cat. I adopted my one dog Jazzmine, when she was a mere 5 weeks old, but couldn't bring her home from the SPCA until she was 6 weeks old. If ever a dog was just like it's owner, it would be Jazzmine. I honestly don't think she knows she's a dog. I love her to pieces, even if she does fart and drool alot.

5. I used to love to run as a child........now, I can't stand the thought of running!! (although getting back into working out these past two months, it has become one of my goals to be able to jog on the treadmill ) Every summer my town had a community festival with races/competitions for kids and I kicked butt in alot of the running ones. My parents used to have a big board with all my ribbons on it. I wonder what happened to all those ribbons all these years later? Hmmmm....

6. Geez---its hard to write so much just about me!!!!! Lets see...... I have one brother. He still lives in upstate NY and is getting married in a few weeks up there. (24 days til we leave for NY).
We totally didn't like each other very much growing up. Actually I adored him and wanted to be around him constantly. He on the other hand, being 5 years older than me wanted nothing to do with me at all. We used to get in the worst fights (even though I was smaller than him, I thought I could "take him". Once we got older and grew out of it, we became really really close. Especially after my dad passed away (when I was 22 and my brother was 27). Now we love spending time together and always have tons of laughes and good times.

Okay--
now I have to tag some people (although I don't think I'll tag 6)

JackieMac

The Wright's

(okay-- I am a dummy, because I've tried to link their blogs 3 times and it hasn't worked-- I'm clueless!) Their links are over in my blog list!!

I Need To Let It Go........

so why can't I??

As I was getting ready to go to a job interview earlier today, I was looking for something in my medicine cabinet..... I don't really go in there very often as odd as that sounds, as I don't really keep anything I use frequently up there.

As I looked up on the top shelf, there they sat. Like a beacon calling me towards them...... there sat my old Positive PG tests from last November....... ALL SIX OF THEM!!! Two digital strips and four other tests that were all positive. I should have gotten rid of them by now right?? I mean after all my child should have been born in July and I would have had no need to keep such a silly memento as a positive PG test right? Well, it seems as though those PG tests are all I have left to hang on to from my lost Pregnancy. I have no U/S pictures, as when we had our 1st U/S we found there was no Heartbeat and that the sac wasn't in the place it should have been (ie: I was getting ready to m/c).

All I have as a reminder of the little one we lost is a few Postive PG tests, a angel miscarriage bracelet I made to remind me of our baby, an adorable winnie the pooh outfit that my cousin and Aunt sent when they found out we were PG, and the one and only thing I bought the week after we got our BFP, a cute package of baby bottles with baby snoopy on them.

Oh, and did I mention the hole in my heart that will forever be there, that nothing will ever fill? We can't leave that out now can we?

Why can I not bring myself to throw out those PG tests??? Everything else is tucked away somewhere (except the bracelet and my heartache) so I don't have to look at it everyday....... From a healthy viewpoint, I know mentally its not healthy to hang on to such a thing, as it serves as a reminder of something painful. I think I simply am grasping to the one real thing I have left since I have nothing else.

I don't know........

Our plan was originally to take July and August off for a mental break that we both badly needed. Now its September and we're not back on track..... financially we just have too much going on right now. I had to make a trip up to NY in August and we are planning a two week trip up to NY again in October for my brothers wedding. So it became either save our extra money so we don't miss my brothers wedding (which I would never miss for anything) or spend another $800 for a cycle trying...... October is out as we will be in NY and couldn't do monitoring anyway, so now it looks like MAYBE November before we jump back in.

I feel like with each month that passes, my dream keeps slipping further and further away. I actually feel like I have days where our dream of having a child is never going to happen. I often feel like I should start to do some research on Living Childless, but anytime I get any further than the search results, it ends in my sobbing, and not being able to even bring myself to read whats on the screen in front of me. So I guess thats my minds' way of telling me I'm not at that point yet.

I don't really have much else of a point to this blog, besides putting on virtual paper that I know I SHOULD move on (past the PG tests, the PG we lost etc), but I just can't.......not yet.........

The A B C's of ME!!

Well, its Saturday night, I'm bored, C. is closing the Restaurant tonight, and I'm sitting wracking my brain trying to think of something for dinner for 1.......... So in the meantime, I figured I'd blog a little. I've seen these ABC's of Me in alot of others' blogs, so I've decided what the heck....... here it goes........ try not to fall asleep from boredom (my life tends to be a bit boring LOL!!)

The A B C's of ME!!

Accent: I was born and raised in Upstate NY, and now that I live in FL, people tell me I sound like I'm from NY? Ok.......if you say so!!?

Breakfast or no breakfast: Breakfast if I'm at work, usually not if I'm home.....odd right???

Chore I don’t care for: Washing dishes........... I'd rather clean a Toilet!

Dog or Cat: I love them both....... we have two dogs that are my babies and a cute fat cat!!

Essential Electronics: My laptop, my I-pod (without a doubt I couldn't live without it), my Blackberry

Favorite Cologne: True Love by Elizabeth Arden and Patchouli (yep-- I'll admit it -- I love it!!)

Gold or Silver: Gold

Handbag I carry most often: I refuse to pay a ton of money on a purse.......

Insomnia: Pretty rarely....... once in a while when I'm really overtired or stressed about something

Job Title:Vascular Access Manager

Kids: Desperate for one.......... God willing we'll have our chance

Living Arrangements: We own our home (hubby and I)

Most Admirable Trait: My Loyalty and Sense of Humor

Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: I swore alot!!

Overnight hospital stays: None for me!! One minor surgery and a few ER visits when

I was young

Phobias: BUGS for sure!!! I'm petrified of Snakes and cockroaches

Quote: "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you

straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other waythan this: where I does not exist, nor you,so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep." Pablo Neruda

Reason to smile: My Husband, my Family, and my Furbabies

Siblings: One Awesome Older Brother

Time I wake up: Ugghh!!!! 4:30 am on work days!! Blech!!

Unusual Talent or Skill: I can pick things up with my feet

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: Oh Lord, thats a looooong list, it'd be much easier to list what I do like: corn, peas, potato's, tomato's, cukes, onions............thats it!!

Worst Habit: My sarcasm tends to get me in trouble sometimes

X-rays: None in a while, most recent were my neck and when Jazz stomped on my foot and I thought she broke something because I could barely walk.

Yummy Stuff: my hubby's homemade chicken parm, warm brownies or homemade choc. chip cookies fresh from the oven. YUM!!!!

Zoo Animal I Like Most: Monkey's for sure!!!

Back From the N.Y.

Well, I'm delighted to say I had a WONDERFUL time in NY. There is no place like Upstate NY in the mountains. I know how cliche' the "Fresh Mountain Air" stuff is, but it really is true (until your Allergies kick into gear that is.........) The picture above, is across the street from the house I grew up, which my brother still lives in. I could sit and look out at that mountain for hours, and honestly I spent alot of my years living there doing just that while growing up.

Just as I suspected, my visit to NY made me very homesick for those surroundings. I don't miss the little town I grew up in so much, as it is just as it has always been. A small little town that never changes.......almost as though a town that time forgot. But I miss the rolling hills, the mountains, the NON-Busy atmosphere that a little town in the mountains of NY offers. I miss silly things like going to watch my older brother play in his summer mens' softball league. I miss the fact that you can drive on country roads in and out of mountains and maybe only pass 15 cars on a 30 minute ride, instead of the nonstop madness of traffic I deal with daily here in Florida. (of course I doubt I'd be missing those roads come wintertime in a blizzard but nonetheless).

I also suspect that when C. and I head back to NY in October for two weeks (for my brothers' wedding), that C. may have to drag me kicking and screaming back out of NY when its time to leave. Fall in Upstate NY is my absolute favorite time of year, hands down. There is nothing like it!!!! I know as soon as C. lays eyes on those mountains in Oct, he too will become homesick for where we grew up.

Honestly, if my mom wasn't down here by me(she lives 10 mins away) in Florida, I think C. and I would move back to Upstate NY without a doubt. (C.'s mom is down here too, but about 90 mins away). Of course we don't even need to talk about the fact that Real Estate Sales sucks BALLS right now and we'd have a very tough time selling our house, without owing more than what we'd get for it right now. So, for now our thoughts of moving back to NY will have to be just that..........thoughts! (and daydreams)

Seeing my family up in NY was awesome, we spent a couple days with my Aunt (my mom's sister) who has been battling various forms of cancer for a couple years now....... (first an extreemly rare form of lymphoma(brain cancer), so rare that they didn't even have a name for it, which I am so pleased to say is in remission, however she is currently battle breast cancer....... and let me just say, she is a REMARKABLE WOMAN!!!!! She can't walk, (but is working on it) and is so independent and still has the most wonderful sense of humor. I'm pretty sure that she, my mom and I laughed 95% of our waking hours. I love her to pieces and am amazed by her strength and courage for all she has been through. LOVE YOU AUNTIE BLING!!

We had a bit of a bumpy flight back home as there was a Tropical Storm on its way to the west coast of FL and had our flight come in any later we wouldn't have made it back and would probably have sat in Washington DC for a day or two waiting to get back........

To sum it up, awesome trip, great relaxation (although it was busy as we had help throw my sister-in-law to be's bridal shower while we were up there), great scenery, lots of laughes and good times, but as always its good to come back home (I missed C. terribly while I was gone and I couldn't wait to get back home to his lovin' arms).

I guess thats all for now. I've really been slacking with my blogging lately, as I don't really have alot to talk/blog about, but I'm going to try to get back on track!!! To those who do read, I do check in on alot of your blogs, sometimes daily, to see how you are doing.

Much love to all!

Leavin' On a Jet Plane!!

Well, I know I have been posting much lately. I feel kinda empty inside, while we are taking a break, so I don't feel the need to reinforce the emptiness by writing about how sad I am over and over and over again.

Bottom line....... not TTTC right now sucks (but the mental break is good for me)and honestly I feel like my chances are slipping away from me with each passing day. I feel like each day I withdraw a little bit more from the message boards I frequent, and even here for that matter. Its sad, it sucks, what else can I say about it?

In other news, I'm heading to Upstate NY on Thursday for 6 days and I cannot wait!!! The picture above is taken about 5 minutes from the house where I grew up, and where I will be going to visit in just a few days. My mom and I are flying up together for my future sister-in-laws Bridal Shower we are helping throw. I can't wait for a break from the hellish Florida heat and humidity. Forecast for where I'm headed is mid to high 70's during the day and mid to high 50's at night--- I couldn't even tell you the last time we saw a nighttime temp go below 77 here in Florida (well its been many many many months). I can't wait to see mountains, and rolling hills, and of course see my family up there. Last time I was up there and saw everyone was under poor circumstances, when my Aunt ended up in the hospital having seizures and being non responsive for 5 days in ICU, to end up getting diagnosed with an extreemly rare form of brain cancer, which I'm thankful to report that 1 1/2 years later is in complete remission (although she is currently battling breast cancer right now).

Anyhow, I'm super psyched about heading to a New York State of Mind for a few days. Of course, I'm bummin' that my husband isn't going, but he'll be working alot next weekend and he'll be taking care of our furbabies while I'm gone. I also know that when we head back up to NY in October for two weeks for my brothers wedding, we'll have a blast and get to enjoy upstate NY in the fall....... my favorite time of year. I keep telling C. that he'll have to drag me kicking and screaming out of NY because I won't want to leave.

C. and I are still doing well working out at the gym. We are still hitting the gym 4-6 times a week and it honestly feels great. I feel great physically and I love the mind numbingness I feel while I'm there. I don't stress about IF, I don't think about much of anything else besides working out and digging deep for the determination to push myself while I'm there!

I guess thats about all I can offer up, thats just how damn boring and uneventful my life is these days!

Very Sad Today.......

I am very sad today. Not sad about the usual IF stuff that my blog is generally overflowing with, but sad because today is the Anniversary of my Dad passing away. I know I've talked about this previously in other blogs, but my dad is still so important to me that I feel my sadness about missing him warrents its own blog.

My Dad passed away on July 26, 1994, when I was a mere 22 years old. He celebrated his 48th Birthday on July 17, became sick with Bronchitis which quickly turned into CHF and an admit to the hospital, which then snowballed into a massive MI. They tried to get him back for over 45 minutes, but it was all over. Alot of people go through an experience like this and say that it all happened so fast, it was like a blur and they don't really remember much about it. I remember every single thing that happened in those few horrible days. I remember them clear as day. I can close my eyes and I'm sitting outside of CCU watching it all happen. It instantly brings me to tears. I remember the pain of knowing where it all was heading, the fact that my brother was on his way back to the hospital (only having gone home 40 mins away to shower and take the dogs out and feed them) and by the time he got to the hospital, our dad was gone. I remember standing out in the hallway talking with my boyfriend and a couple other friends (I worked in the hospital and knew alot of people there)and I remember crying saying "This can't happen, not yet, he's only 48 and has way too much living left to do. He needs to walk me down the aisle someday when I get married, he needs his chance to be a grandfather!!" (well, I guess out on much there as I still haven't been able to have a baby 14 years later!!!).

I remember being completely numb in the days after he passed, sitting in the funeral home helping my mom make arrangements, numb as all our family arrived to support us. People sleeping on the living room floor, in the spare bedroom, in hotels....... a nonstop stream of people coming to the house, it was all so overwhelming and numbing all at the same time. It was actually very surreal. It wasn't until everything was over and people started going home and things became quiet that the magnitude and reality of what had happened and what we were now missing from our lives really set in. I remember going back to my apartment the day after my dads funeral, and going into my closet to get a few things and literally colapsing on the closet floor. I sat there a sobbed for hours. Honestly I could go on and on and on until the blog world cut me off, about how my life got turned upside down after my dad passed, but I'll try not to keep carrying on about it.

Instead I'll touch on just a few of the many many great things I remember, appreciated and most of all loved my dad for.

My dad was such a hard worker. He worked for NY State as a Correctional Officer for 18 years, and my brother and I never wanted for anything. Between him and my mom, we never went without a single thing. No matter the cost etc, we always had everything we needed and much much more. The atmosphere in my house growing up was never one that was a "coochie coochie coo" leave it to Beaver kind of house.......that just wasn't us. We just knew how much we were loved, there was never any question. I knew my dad loved me with his whole heart, I was a total Daddy's Girl 110%.I didn't need my parents to tell me every minute, I just always knew they loved me and were ALWAYS there for me and my brother. When my dad wasn't working, he was always keeping busy at home. Yardwork, woodworking, working on the car. He played on a softball league with alot of his friends and I never missed a game. He used to love to get in the car and go for a ride after dinner in the summertime. My parents and I would go over to Vermont on our rides (we lived 2 mins from the Vermont Border in Upstate NY), and we'd spot deer in fields, and my dad and I would have contests to see who could spot more deer, and how many etc. God, I'd give anything to go on one more car ride with him.

He was an amazing man, who instilled alot of really good morals in me, my parents gave me the wisdom, knowledge and the smarts to do my best to always make the right choices in my life, and for that, I will be forever grateful. (and speaking of smarts, he wanted to be sure I had some "street smarts" too. We used to have little lessons on different ways to "defend myself" with his prison issue nightstick (baton).... I kid you not....... It wasn't like I drove around with a nightstick in my car or walked around with one on my hip, so I don't really know when the opportunity would have occured for me to use my "skills", but nevertheless, I was taught and prepared just in case).

Everyday, even 14 years later, I still get signs that he's around me, and watching over me. Every time I see a red cardinal I think of him. (its a long story, but the jist of it is, that he loved Cardinals, so much so that his tombstone has a deer and a cardinal in a tree on it and ever since he passed, cardinals have come into my life with meaningful experiences many many times, and many times when I was having a tough time, and I truly believe with all my heart that this is my dads way of letting me know he is around me and watching out for me by sending cardinals my way).

My latest experience was just the other night after a dream I had. (My dad does still come to me in my dreams, and after he does I always awake feeling comforted that he has visited me, again to let me know he is still around me).

So I had a dream Tuesday night and he was in it. I don't remember alot of the dream, but what I did remember when I woke, was that in the dream he kept telling me to go buy him some lottery tickets. He said it several times, and then said "here's $26.50 to go buy me some lottery tickets". When I woke, I thought to myself, how weird, that he'd specifically say to me here's $26.50 and I thought, geez--maybe I should go play the lottery just incase. The day went on and I kinda forgot about it, so I never bought any tickets. Fast foward to Weds evening, and I'm sitting watching TV and on comes the FL Pick 3 and Pick 4 results for Weds........

Catch this...... the pick 3 number was 6-5-0 and the pick 4 numbers were.................... 2-6-5-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that not friggin' unbelievable!!!??? (and of course I didn't play them!!!) But it cerainly is an experience I'll never forget and just another reason I know my dad is with me.

I've managed to do okay today, but I've been carrying around alot of sadness all day. I went to the gym after work today, and just really had a hard time concentrating and focusing, so after about 45 mins, I decided to head home before I hurt myself not paying attention. I sat out back on the lanai while cooking dinner, and sent some prayers up to the Big Guys in the sky (big guys= G-O-D and my dad).

I know my dad is at peace, and would never have wanted him to stay here on earth, if his quality of life was depleated, he'd never have wanted to live that way, and he had made that perfectly clear many many times over the years. I pray he is content and gets to do all the things he loved doing on earth up in Heaven.

I also send up alot of prayers hoping that the little angel we lost back in November when I had my m/c is there with him and he is getting to enjoy his grandchild. It makes a M/C a tiny bit easier to cope with knowing that their spirits are together up there in Heaven.

I love you always dad, and not a day goes by that I don't think about you and miss you, and I always will.

Progress..........

So, it's been a couple weeks since I last posted, so i figured I'm loooong overdue to blog about something.

I am very happy to report that the my latest journey to get healthy is off to a great start!!! C and I are still working out at the gym 5-6 times a week and have been doing great with our Low Carb "Lifestyle". I am thrilled to say that as of Saturday 7-19, I am down 8 POUNDS!!!!! I've also lost 2 inches in my waist and 3 inches off my hips!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! My clothes are getting baggy already too, so I'm thrilled!!! (C. is doing good too, and has lost 6 pounds!!)

Although I feel lost not TTC right now, it feels really good to focus on something besides daily injections in my stomach, trying to fit in Dr's appointments and Ultrasounds around my crazy work schedule etc. It feels great to be in the gym and not really even think about all my TTTC woes. I go in, distract myself with good music, and let all my stress go, and revel in the adrenalin rush you get from a good workout. The next thing I know, its 90 mins later, and I feel good about myself and accomplished . (and believe me, its been a loooooong time since I've felt good about really anything in my life.)

As far as TTTC goes, there is really nothing to report in. My body continues to be its psycho self, of which I have no control over.........Yeah-- whats new there right?? Anyhow, the plan as of now is that we will take off August from TTC, mainly because I'll be out of town (Upstate NY-- here I come.....only for 5 days, but I'm super psyched about a visit back home), and then hopefully we'll jump back in and try again in September (october will be out as we will be spending 2 weeks in Upstate NY when my brother gets married), so I'm already starting my prayers that September will be our lucky month!!

I guess thats about all for now, I just wanted to check in and not abandon my blog. I'll keep updating with my weight loss progress, and will hopefully continue to post good things!!!!!!

The Start of a New Journey

So, its been about a week since I last posted a blog, I guess I needed time to process all of our last failed cycle. Truth be told I'm still processing it. And I'm still questioning and 2nd guessing my choice to take a break. I know that mentally, we both really needed to take this break, it was just becoming such an ovewhelming burden to both of us, that we were petrified of it ruining our wonderful marriage, and that of course is the last thing either of us want. I couldn't live without him, nor him without me.....I mostly question our break because of the fact that I'm pretty positive this last cycle ended as a Chemical Pregnancy--- so I wonder if we had gone ahead with this month's cycle that it would have been the sucessful one since we most likely did have fertilization just not implantation with this one....... I hope we didn't ruin our progress by taking a break......... as always, all my thoughts seem to be consumed by I hopes, I wish, and I'm scared's.

So, we joined a gym last week, one that is close to where we live, so we don't have the excuse that we don't feel like driving there etc...... we also both started back on our low carb diet as of yesterday (Monday) so together we are headed on a new journey, for now anyways.......... a journey back to feeling better about ourselves and a journey to better health as well. (it will be benificial for me having PCOS and beneficial for C. since he has diabetes). We were both very sucessful doing low carb in the past, last time we did it I lost about 25 pounds, and have only put about 8 of it back on since we stopped (incidently we stopped it after I got PG, then went back on it after the New year and then stopped again a few months ago).

We met with a trainer tonight, to go over diet and exercise plans. Of course that involves the ever so embarrassing mounting of the scale, and the even better body fat analysis......... which have been kept top secret from C. because even I have limits to what I will share with him (its really probably the only thing I won't/don't share with him!!).

I'm also dealing with mounting pressure and nerves as I approach what would have been my EDD (Sunday 7/13). As much as I've tried to stay away, I have still been lurking on the SAIF board, and all the girls that were due right around the same time as me are now giving birth...... its like a stab in the heart.......

July has kinda sucked for me for quite a few years now, and this just adds to the craptasticness of it....... my dad passed away in July (of 2004, 1 week after his 48th Birthday......yes you read that right, he was only 48...I was only 22 when he died), so every July I cry on his birthday because I miss him so much still, and then I cry my heart out a week later on the anniversary of his passing.....) So, add to it, the fact that I should be holding my baby right now, or atleast preparing to sucks ASS..........

Anyhow-- this post was supposed to be on a more postive note, but has managed its way back to what I hurt about most, IF and PG loss...... I guess you write about what you know best don't you???

Hopefully my next few posts will start to become a little more positive, and as I start making great progress on my fitness/wt loss Journey I'll update it here.

Thanks to those who still check in here, and for your comments...... I haven't been the best at emails to friends or family lately, but I appreciated everyone's support and will try to do better this week. (and btw, I do still check in on all your blogs, even if I haven't been commenting!)

Big love to all.....

Done, Over and Broken........

its been an aweful rollercoaster weekend....... and it ends with shitty news.......I tested on Friday 13 dpo/IUI and got a very faint bfp (thats when I posted my last blog post), and I thought we'd have good news to share, but wanted to wait to be sure by re-testing the next day. So I tested Sat 14 dpo/IUI and got another faint line, but darker than the day before and well within the 10 min test time.So I started to get really excited but was still afraid to post....... I guess it was my intuition telling me to not get excited.

I tested Sunday morning, and got a big stark snow white test and was like WTF???? So I was upset and crying on and off all day Sunday, trying to keep my mind busy doing other things, and then re-tested in the afternoon with a Digital when DH got home......... only to read a giant ugly NOT PREGNANT!!!!!I don't get it--- my trigger was out 10 dpo so that wouldn't have been giving me false positives....... maybe it was a chemical PG??

I started spotting Sunday night, and got the bitch whore AF on Monday, full on flow ............... so, IT. IS. ALL. OVER.

I had one of the worst breakdowns of my life Sunday night...... (2nd only to my dad passing away and my m/c). I sat in the middle of my kitchen floor and just sobbed. I told dh I wanted to dig a hole in the back yard and climb into it and disappear........ he literally had to pick me up off the floor.

It seems IF has finally beat me down to nothing. I had so much hope and belief that this was going to be it for us. I don't honestly know how much more heartbreak I can stand. I was so down and out on Sunday, that I actually visited websites about learning to live childless (and of course, sobbed as soon as the site would load).With all that said, we have to decided to take a break for a couple months (well, I decided and dh is supportive of whatever I want and need to do right now). As much as I don't want to take a break, I don't honestly think that mentally I can take another month of disappointment without someone having to commit me, I just need a little break to breath. I'm scared that the progress we've made with meds etc will all be lost and be some sort of set-back and thats the only thing making me 2nd guess taking a break.

So we'll take July off (we'll try on our on, but I'm not banking on much in that department), I'll be traveling during O time in August up to NY, so thats out, so it looks like we'll start back trying in September.In the meantime, we've both joined a gym close to where we live, and I'm going to be balls to the wall with loosing some weight and getting back into shape, both mentally and physically.

Thanks to those who were curious and supportive. I'm sure I'll continue my blogs, although my posts may take a temporary turn of direction for now.

So, that has been my suck ass shit rotten hell of a weekend. At this point in my blog, it seems as though I always try to end on a positive note, however, I'm having extreme difficulty finding anything positive at all to talk about, besides the fact that I am grateful for having my C. in my life to love, hold and support me.

Babe, if you happen to read this, thank you for literally picking me back up from all this mess, and as always, for loving me, no matter what. You are my everything, and I can't breath without you.

Ummmmm.....can't share anything yet!

Okay-- I've been MIA for a couple days.......

I had a mini-meltdown yesterday as I started having really bad cramping, and I swiped a tiny bit of pink after peeing, and I was certain that this cycle is over.

As of today, 13 dpo/IUI the jury is still out and there is no conclusive evidence one way or another. No other spotting except for once yesterday. Still having some weird cramping feelings that come and go (but not like AF dull achy cramps), I had nausea 1/2 the morning today at work.

The past few months AF has arrived like clockwork at 14 dpo (and by 12 dpo-13 dpo I have ALOT of spotting), and there is honestly no signs of AF as of the moment I type this Friday night........... so thats a really good sign right??

We did test today, and I'll keep the results of that to myself (and to C. of course) as to not reveal what we don't really know, and certainly I don't want to jinx our chances..........

So, thanks to those who've offered caring thoughts and messages this far (on here and via email), they really mean alot, and as soon as we might know something definative, I'll let be sure to post on the Nest and here when I'm ready to .

So again, thanks for all the well wishes, and please keep em coming....... we need all the prayers and positive thoughts we can get.

Much Love to all