Well, it looks like this cycle has shaped up pretty well so far. I went back for another date with the Vag-cam (aka U/S) on Wednesday, and my follies were growing well still. I didn't get much number-wise besides the lead follie was at 13 mm and I had two more on the right Ovary that were right behind the 13 (of course, my lazy Leftie ovary follie pooped out), but I am thrilled to have 3 good growing follies on my Right!!!! Usually I just have one strong follie and the others fall behind, so hopefully we'll get lucky and a couple eggs will release, thus increasing our chances!
Since Monday, I have bumped up my Bravelle dose to 225 iu a night, and that seems to have helped as well. I have one more night to take the Bravelle tonight and will be done with that. This month I am using Novarel instead of Ovidrel, and here's where I get NERVOUS!!! Novarel has to be given IM in my butt...... which means I can't do it myself.......which means C. has to do it for me!! I'm freaking out!!! I can handle doing my own shots, its not a big deal at all to me. But C. is a tad bit skiddish about doing the shot in my butt, and its NOT a small needle by any means, and he had to give me a shot in my butt one other time, and it was not pretty, and I think I have a bit of anxiety about it all these years later. I think it wouldn't bother me as much, if C. didn't make faces when he thinks about having to do the shot. His eyes get real big, and he wipes his brow, and says "whew" and shakes his head. Not relieving my anxiety at all!!!
We'll get through it, just like we always do!
IUI #2 is scheduled for 9 am Monday Morning (I have to be there at 8 am with C's stuff). The only bummer I'm worried a bit about, is that my appt card says Dr. S (Dr.Z's partner), so I'm thinking its not going to be Dr. Z. doing my IUI. I really like Dr. Z and have never met Dr. S. Dr. Z was so gentle the last IUI, I barely knew he was doing anything and he has a great sense of humor and is pretty mellow, and that keeps me calm and comforted. Hopefully Dr. S. will be as gentle and as kind. I can't let this stress me out, it is what it is, and there isn't anything I can do to change it at this point. I'm sure everything will be fine with Dr. S.
Hopefully this will be our cycle and we'll be on our way to parenthood. (it seems I write this, or something similar every cycle), and it generally hasn't worked out the way we wanted, but its a new year and I'm hopeful that this will be it for us!
Stay tuned for my IUI update on Monday and then the crazy 2WW will begin!
Friday, February 27, 2009
IUI#2 is set for Monday!
Monday, February 23, 2009
CD 8 U/S Follie Check!
So I went down to my RE's office today for my CD8 Follie check. I haven't been in to see them for a few months, and it was nice to go back in and still see familiar faces, especially the U/S tech. I adore her. She is an older woman who calls me sweetie and is always so positive. She is upbeat, and chatty and is always encouraging.
I have 2 lead follies on my Right Ovary, one is at 9 mm and one is at 8.5 mm and one 8.5 mm on my Left as well. Usually by this point I have one lead and they others are usually pretty far behind, so its encouraging that I have 3 that are all pretty close in size. I, however had a sneaking suspicion that maybe my dose of Bravelle shouldbe bumped up a bit ( I have been doing 150 iu for the last 5 nights) as in previous cycles my follies were a bit bigger on CD 8.
Sure enough my nurse called me this afternoon and Dr. Z. wants me to up my dose to 225iu tonight and tomorrow night and then go back for another U/S on Weds which will be CD10. So between now and then I will be keeping my fingers and toes crossed that these follies keep growing. That being said, IUI # 2 looks to most likely be either Friday or Saturday (my guess is Saturday, but perhaps with the dosage boost, maybe a day sooner?)
On a side note, the Bravelle shots are killing me this cycle. My belly is all bruised. I have 4 bruises, two on each side of my belly button, I told C. he could play connect the dots on my tummy. I'm also bruised from my lab draw today, and just as that one starts to heal, I'll acquire yet another one on Weds.
Side effects from Bravelle this month are not too pretty either. In cycles past, it just made me a bit tired and also made me want to cry at everything and anything. This cycle on Bravelle, I'm having alot of Nausea, fatigue, and I'm soooooo GRUMPY!!!! The littlest thing can set me off and God help whoever may be on the receiving end of it! Its not pretty!!! And of course, I'm so miserably grumpy already, I already warned C. that he might want to tip toe around me the next few days since I have to increase my Bravelle dosage!
It will all totally be worth it when we get our BFP in a few weeks, thats for sure!!!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Back in the Game..... Back Cycling!! (and not on a bike!!)
Well, AF arrived today.....so no surprise BFP on a non tx cycle for me! (not that I was really suprised, but it sure would have been nice right?)
Anyhow, C. and I decided we would be jumping back in the game this month and get this baby making ball rolling again. So I called my RE's office this morning, full expecting to have to go see Dr. Z. in the next day or so because its been a few months since I've seen him. The receptionist took the message, and gave it his nurse to go over with him (Dr. Z) and within 30 mins the nurse called me back and told me that Dr. Z was okay with me starting back up with injectibles and didn't need to see me beforehand!!! (One of the things I really like about Dr. Z is that he knows I'm OOP, and doesn't push extra appointments on me, which I am super thankful for.)
So, Weds night (cd3) I will start my injections. I will again be doing 150 iu Bravelle and then go for an U/S to check my follie development on CD 8 on the 23rd. It feels so good to officially be back in the game and cycling again. It gives me renewed hope and makes me feel like we are back on the right track. This will be IUI # 2 we'll be doing, and I am hoping and praying with everything in me that this will be the cycle. We would be thrilled to have a little Turkey Baby.
I've been reading a book called "The Tao of Fertility" and there is a section on some supp's to take, and I've recently started taking them, including Vit. D, L-Arginine, L-Lysine, and of course my Prenatal and folic acid. I've tried taking Fish Oil Capsules twice now, and let me just say that I HATE fish or anything seafood etc. so I believe I have a psychological block and physically cannot get those pills down! First of all, they are huge and secondly, they are like a gel capsule, and they keep getting stuck on my tongue and won't go down, and then I start to panic and end up spitting the capsule back out into the sink. So, I may not be benefiting from the Fish Oil Caps but my garbage disposal sure is!
There is also a section on how to do these 10 meditative moves/positions in sucession, and I can't help but giggle at the thought of doing some of these, but I am going to give them an honest try. One of them has to do with opening a chakra that makes your uterus a healthy environment for a baby....... and of course the illustrated pictures show a nak.ed woman in a rather precarious position laying down to ahem......"open the chakra". I think I'll have to do them while C. is at work, because I can only imagine me doing them and him walking in the room....... He'd laugh his ass off, I'm sure. We'll see...... I'll update after I've tried them!
So, that's where we're at, so it looks like my blog will probably turn back towards my latest IUI journey, instead of all the other stuff I have jammed in here to pass the time during our breaks.
Hopefully luck is on our side and this will all work out the way it should!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
My Life List
I was cleaning up my My.space blog as I really stopped using it, once I started blogging over here. Actually the last posts over there were:
"We're Having a Baby!!" followed by "So, We're Not Having A Baby"
For quite some time I was afraid to erase them as for some reason, (yet again) in my mind I think that by erasing a post, or a stat or a blog etc, that it will somehow erase another little piece of the little I have to hold on to from when I was PG. (if you read my blog, you'll notice this has come up many times before-- its such an odd fear I have it seems to me).
Anyhow, I cleaned up the blogs over there (aka got rid of them) as it seemed kinda sad that those blogs were one of the first things you'd see when you looked at my My.space page. As I went through the rest of them, I came across "My Life List" post.
I created my "My Life List" after two things that inspired me to do so.
The first was about a women on O.prah, I believe, who had died in the
9-11 tragedy, but before doing so had created a "Life List" for herself. Simply put, a list of things you would like to accomplish during your time here on earth.
The second reason I was inspired to do so, was learning that the brother of my best friend, of well, forever it seems, killed his wife and then hung himself leaving three children behind (all in my little hometown where nothing like that EVER happens). It again, reminded me of how fragile life can be and that we need to live each day to the fullest as we don't know what tomorrow will bring (or if we'll see tomorrow for that matter).
So, I created my very own "Life List" back on September 16, 2006. It was pretty neat to revisit that blog, and update it with things that I have actually accomplished since writing that. (of course, I was struggling with Infertility back then too, so in some ways it made me a little sad too, to see that I'm still stuck in the same miserable place in regards to some things on my list as well.)
I thought it might be neat to share that over here, and have it here to refer back to instead of over there where I don't blog anymore.
So Here it goes (it is long, what can I say, I have alot I want to accomplish!!). I will close in saying that if you have some time, and haven't ever thought of creating your own life list, I strongly encourage you to do so. Its nice to look back, especially on days when you feel like you are "stuck" to revisit it and see what you have accomplished since writing it. Even if you don't make it a public list for others to see, do one for yourself where you keep your private thoughts! What are you waiting for??
Here's "My Life List":
My Life List
1. I will carry this list with me…….regardless of where life takes me.
2. To have a baby, or two or three (but will feel eternally blessed with even one) Jan 2009--STILL working on this one!!
3. To be the best wife, friend and companion to my husband Craig **doing this every day!!
4. Visit Italy
5. To be more patient with others-- EVERY DAY, not just occasionally
6. Be committed to leading a healthier lifestyle
7. Learn how to play Acoustic Guitar **Jan 2009--- I bought my first Acoustic and I'm learning how to play!! **
8. Re-establish friendships with friends I haven't been in touch with **Jan 2009-- keeping up with this one thanks to Myspace and Facebook!
9. I will be sure my family knows how much they mean to me
10. Hug and kiss my dogs and cat at least 10 times a day
11. Hug and kiss my Husband at least double that!!!
12. Go back to school
13. Own my own business *Jan 2009-- I finally lauched my jewelry website (http://zencreations.synthasite.com so I'm checking this one off!!
14. Buy a house **Done May 2007!!!**
15. Own a classic mustang convertible
16. Organize all my wedding photo's from table cameras (yes I know I'll be married two years Dec 2006) **Well, they are all labeled in a basket--does that count? **
17. Support Craig in his music ** Feb 2009, hopefully that Yamaha Digital Drumset will be shipped to him soon!!!**
18. Learn to speak Italian fluently
19. Invent something really cool and reap the profits from it I don't think my jewelry line completes this one....or does it? I'm reaping profits...hmmmmm....... (Jan 2009)
20. Be financially comfortable (aka not worry about paying bills)
21. See the Grand Canyon
22. Be on Wheel of Fortune
23. Meet John Mayer and sing a song on stage with him
24. Own a Restaurant with my Husband (he'll manage the back of the house, me the front of the house)
25. Write a book
26. Write a song
27. Learn how to play accustic guitar (**Oops I have this twice-- I must really want to learn!!) LOL **See # 7 above for update!**
28. Always be young at heart no matter how old I am
29. Know that its okay to act a little crazy--it more fun that way!
30. Age is just a number- I won't let it define me!
31. If I'm not PG within the next few months, will start thinking about and looking into adoption. ** Jan 2009-- Well, I'm still not, but we're still trying really hard and will still consider this option should we need to **
32. Visit Hawaii
33. Skydive
34. Make a written list of all our CD's (all 900 of them) just because………..
35. Be better about putting away the laundry
36. Get a 3 stone diamond ring from my husband **Feb 2007 I got a gorgeous 3 stone Diamond Journey Necklace from C. so we're on the right path !! LOL**
37. Own a bed and breakfast up in Vermont
38. If we ever get to retire, live the snowbird life-- summers up North and winters in the south or out west.
39. Never be afraid to try something new.
40. Try to like and eat more veggies (man this is a tough one!!)
41. Appreciate Nature. Take a couple of minutes each day to recognize and appreciate the beauty of things around me. **I do this everyday when I walk outside-- no matter where I am....Florida, NY, VT etc!
42. Travel the US in an RV sea to shining sea…………….and everywhere in between
43. I will always think about my Dad--- atleast twice a day and remember the love and happy memories
44. Get my cardinal/floral tattoo to honor my dad
45. Take 10 minutes EACH DAY and just BREATHE!!!!!!!! Think about the good things in my life and how very fortunate I am to have all the people I do in my life.
46. Be open to different "lifestyles" NOT for me, but for others --maybe tolerant is a better word--- if your lucky enough to find love in another human being, you are truly blessed.
47. Be more compassionate with my husband when he is sick-- (I'm not very good at this one since I work with sick people all day long and listen to their illness problems) **Jan 2009-- yeah--still working on this one too LOL but I think I'm doing a little better?!**
48. Continue to go above and beyond each day at work. My current boss is appreciative and rewarding-- (** I want that value award again this Dec 2006) **I shall not comment on this one-- work isn't the same as it used to be!**
49. Bowl a 220 game-- (when I do this, I will up the score to aim higher!!!) Did It!! I bowled a 234 scratch(with my handicap it was a 270 something). So I will set the new goal at 255 as of Jan 2009!
50. When/if blessed with a child, aim to be half the mother my Mom has been to me, and that child will be the most loved, luckiest child in the world, as I have been thanks to her unselfish love and sacrifice.
51. Learn to do the cha cha, a salsa, swing dance and a waltz with my husband (dance isn't an issue for me-- I've been dancing since I was 3 yrs old!)
52. Try skiing again………. (1st time around wasn't too pretty!)
53. Swear LESS (this will be a forever goal--- however I don't know how attainable-- I've always had a potty mouth) LOL at this one.... I don't know that it will ever change despite how hard I try!!
54. Judge people less…….it takes all kinds to make the world go round.
55. Be a singer (lead or backup) in a band--with my husband playing drums of course!!!
56. Go to a big hippie music festival to get a feel of the life Craig used to lead when following the Dead around. Maybe Bonnaroo in TN next June…… **We're toying with the idea of Bonnaroo 2009....... Phish-- 2 shows..... I'm holding out for Dave Matthews, John Mayer and Jack Johnson to sign on before I get tix!
57. Envy others LESS-- instead use that envy as motivation to improve yourself
58. Be understanding that God has a plan for me……. I may not understand what it is, but I trust that everything that happens in my life happens for a reason……..
59. When Craig and I have a disagreement, will try to "push buttons" less-- IT ALWAYS MAKES THINGS WORSE…………………..ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!
60. Continue to be goofy and make people laugh-- when they laugh they feel good and that makes me feel good………
61. Tell DH I love him every single night before closing my eyes (I ALREADY DO THIS ONE, AND HAVE FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS-- BUT IT'S A GOOD ENOUGH GOAL TO WRITE/KEEP FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED!!) **Jan 2009-- 9 1/2 years and still going strong with this one-- every single night!!
62. Be content with what I HAVE in life. Its probably a whole lot more that a lot of others have.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
This is Strange.....
So I had a Dr's appointment for my neck today (from my work injury) and when the Med. Asst was doing my vitals I noticed two very odd things. 1. Of course they weigh you, why I have no idea when I'm there for a neck injury, but whatever. I was just at this same Dr's office a little over two weeks ago, but today my weight was up like 8 pounds!! WHAT???? Now if AF was about to arrive, I'd be up like 3 pounds at most--thats the norm for me...... so I was luck "Huh--thats weird". 2. When they took my temp it was 99.1 degrees. You'd think not really a big deal, a tiny bit over normal, but the MA brought it to my attention. I said "huh--thats kinda weird as my temp usually runs low-- like in the 97's". (Temping when TTC early on was never useful d/t #1 my low temps and #2 having PCOS. ) I'm not sick so that can't be the higher temp cause...... I also keep having some bouts of nausea, so I'm at a loss..... maybe its all in my head!?
See......... see how my body messes with me? As I said in my previous post, this was a totally unmedicated cycle, so the chances of us getting PG on our own are really so slim. But my body has to keep messing with me and giving me mixed signals about what may lie ahead.
I need one of those remote controls like Adam Sandler had in that movie Click, so I could just fast forward to Saturday and test. (okay-- I fib-- I will probably test on Friday, if I can hold out that long).
Maybe I can take a really looooooooong nap til Friday morning!!
For those reading who are also in the dreaded, horrid 2 WW, best wishes to each of you. It's time we all graduate!!
Monday, February 9, 2009
9 DPO....... Who knows!?
So I'm 9 dpo today and have no reason to have hope this cycle (#33 by the way) as it has been an unmedicated TI cycle. I don't know why I'd think that after all this time, we'd get lucky enough to have divine intervention from the fertility gods and actually get PG this cycle. But, for some odd reason, I still have hope!??! In some ways it just doesn't make sense to me where I somehow keep managing to pull this hope from, however, I'm so thankful that I do still have that hope. I think back to months' past when I felt like I had absolutely no hope whatsoever, and how bad that felt. It feels good to have hope again (even if I'm 96% sure that this cycle will be a bust).
Maybe I have hope and excitement as we will head back into injectibles this coming cycle (#34) and will be doing IUI# 2. It feels good to be back on track, and "back in the game". I pray that our time will be coming soon.
I have had some odd symptoms this cycle-- on 8 dpo I woke up with really bad nausea , almost to the point that I felt like I was really going to throw up (ya know-- the hot spits in your mouth-- the whole nine yards). I was nauseous on and off all morning long. I also had some really weird cramping and pinching on and off throughout the day in my lower abdomen. Starting on 5 dpo, my right ( . ) was burning (quite like back when I was PG in the past). I've had cramping again today on 9 dpo, but a bit less than yesterday. So we shall see-- I think I will probably test on Thursday or maybe Friday.......
Usually AF shows her ugly ass as soon as I POAS.... it goes something like this:
I pee in a cup, dip the strip, set it on the counter, get crazy nervous, can't bring myself to look at the strip, then I take a peek at the strip, a glance so quick, I can barely see the strip, I wipe ........AND BAM the nasty bitch AF shows herself. Someone should do a study on the corellation between POAS and AF spontaneously starting.
So, thats where I am....... we shall see what later in the week shall bring!
(please O please Fertility Gods-- please let this be "THE" cycle-- there is nothing more that I'd love than to get PG on our own and save us $1K in OOP costs next month on an IUI!!)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"Comes a Time"
C. and I went to a Dark Star Orchestra concert last week. (they are a Grateful Dead tribute band (the best there is out there) and they play all Dead music, and pick a set list from a played Dead show and play that entire set at their concerts.)
One of the songs they played was not one I was familiar with, but was very touched by it none the less. The song was called "Comes A Time.
Now, I'm pretty sure Jerry Garcia (or whoever actually wrote the song) didn't have IF issues, and I know thats not what the song is about. But as with many songs out there, people can often find a different meaning to a song, or they find a way to relate words of the song to what they may be going through. That is how I felt about this song. I quickly connected with it. After listening to it again, and reading the lyrics several times, I feel it definately is relatable to my IF journey. Check out the lyrics:
Comes a Time by the Grateful Dead
Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says "Don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.
"Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,only love can fill.
Been walking all morning went walking all night
I can't see much difference between the dark and light
And I feel the wind And I taste the rain
Never in my mind to cause so much pain.
Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says
"Don't you see?Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,only love can fill.
From day to day just letting it ride.
You get so far away from how it feels inside.
You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,
But the day may come when you can't feel at all.
The words come out like an angry stream.
You hear yourself say things you could never mean.
When you cool down you find your mind.
You got a lot of words you've got to stand behind.
Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says
"Don't you see?Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,only love can fill,
only love can fill, only love can fill.
"Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe"
If that doesn't fit how you feel when faced with IF, I don't know what does.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
So I'm not a Rockstar YET......
So my new guitar arrived mid week last week, and I'm so not a rock star like I thought I would be!! It is so hard learning to play the guitar, way harder than I ever thought it would be!!
Now let me start by saying that I've always been very musically inclined. Growing up I played the clarinet (I know---dorky! but I was like 9 years old) then I switched to Flute and played it from like 5th grade through 11th grade, and played the piccalo as well. I also learned how to play the saxaphone as well somewhere in the middle of all that. Plus my brother is a drummer, and I jumped behind his set whenever I got the chance growing up. So, based on all my music experience in the past, I feel I've got "music in my veins". Every instrument I've played, I've been able to pick it up, listen to songs and play them with ease by ear, without sheet music etc.
Well, this whole guitar thing is a whole other ball of wax entirely!! I feel so awkward and clumsy. I feel like my hands aren't big enough and that for the life of me I'll never be able to go from one cord to another without turning the guitar towards me to see the strings and frets!! I thought I'd pick it up, play a Dave Matthews song, and be able to start strumming along..... HAH!!!!! I can feel it deep down in me that I want to be able to strum right along, and that ain't happenin'. I hear a note in a song, I can duplicate in on the guitar and then when its time to find the next note, its like I'm lost in a forest and can't figure out what direction to go in!!
I know its only been a week,(and two days of that were mass panic because the guitar fell out of tune and I was crazed trying to tune it (I did get an electric tuner) and was having a hard time.
I am happy to report in now though that I have the A cord, the E cord and the G cord down, just don't ask me to go from one to the other smoothly, cause it ain't happening!! LOL. I even bought Guitars for Dummies and I still feel lost.
I'll get the hang of it, I know I will, its just taking ALOT more effort than I thought it would. Damn those talented rock stars for making it look so damn easy on tv and at live concerts!!
In IF news, I am in my 2WW, but because I know my body sucks ass, and toys with me and my emotions and never ever works like it is supposed to, I am in this 2WW with no hopes or anticipation(although I will say I am popping my Bromelain pills for the next 4 days juuuuust in case!! I'm actually really looking forward to AF coming as we'll be jumping back in with a medicated cycle (bravelle and ovidrel) and IUI when she gets here. (this will be IUI#2) so once that ball is rolling, I'm sure I'll be back to my neurotic cycling self!
So thats about all thats happening with me.
Back to the Rockstar dream...............................
Sunday, February 1, 2009
And The Winner Is.....
Now, let me say that I have had a very difficult time choosing someone to get this bracelet. Every single story that was left touched me deeply, as I know the pain of IF and struggle all too well. I wish I could make enough of them to give one away to each wonderful woman who responded.
So, the winner is Lisa (aka lnle from the TTTC board on the Nest.) I don't have a blog link to hers, and she actually replied to the give away via email, and I don't feel comfortable displaying her note to me without her being okay with it, but I will say Lisa has faced a tough IF journey thus far, and I can only wish that with some new "Hope" dangling from her wrist, it will make her journey just little bit easier for her. Lisa, I will be contacting you to get info from you so the bracelet will be customized to fit you.
Congrats Lisa!!
For anyone else who may still be interested in a "Hope" bracelet, anyone who orders one will be given a discount, please contact me @ zen_creations@hotmail.com prior to ordering from my website, so I can adjust the amount for you prior to order)
Thank you to each of you for sharing your story with me as well as others who read my blog. I wish each and every one of you all the best with your journey, may it end soon and may each of you one day be called mommy very soon.
hugs to all
