Awww..Christ........ I think I need a break from it ALL!!!!

DISCLAIMER****If you are PG, and are reading this, please either don't read it or DO NOT Take personal offense to what I am about to write!!!
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I seriously can't take it anymore.......

I swear to God, if I see one more person say they are PG, I'm going to LOOSE MY SHIT!!!!! I seriously can't take this anymore. I'm so beat down and feeling so hopeless about ever getting PG!!
While I am happy for my buddies on the TTTC board when they get their BFP's I cannot help but feel such envy and keep asking myself why does everyone else deserve to get PG and here I sit....... Not PG another month.

What is biting at my heels at a very quick pace is the fact that I should be less than 5 weeks from my original EDD for our little one-- I was due 7/13/08....... and here I sit all these months later with nothing........nothing but heartache......nothing but pain and envy, nothing but emotionally drained frustration and worry. I guess I' m just beat right down to nothing.

I feel like I'm so on edge and don't know how to stuff the angst back down. Even at work toay, we had girl filling in from another clinic, who is nothing short of one of those "I don't even know you, but I'll share my life story with everyone and anyone!!!" kind of people. Oh, and did I mention that within 10 minutes of meeting her, she informs all of us that she was recently kidnapped and carjacked, followed by the fact that she lives in a NUDIST COLONY!!!!!! I can't make this shit up!!!

So,I'm on the computer checking a few things and she stands next to me and here's how the convo goes:

Nudie chick: "So, do you have any children?"

Me: "Nope" and I turn away from her (obvious I don't want to talk about it right?) Nope!

Nudie Chick: "Well, I have one daughter who will be 18 in August. I always thought I'd have more kids that just her, but I just never did"

Me: Hmmmmm...... (then said a few curse words-- pretending I was cursing at the computer, but those words were meant for HER!!)

Nudie Chick: "Yeah, well, they say now, that once you are 35 or 36, you shouldn't even bother trying to have kids after that point!!!! Not much success and not such a good deal ya know!!??"

Me: SPEECHLESS and stunned....... for fear of telling her to Fu_k off, I stood up and walked away!!!

Seriously, if you don't know me, and what's going on in my life, just shut the hell up right??? Christ I wanted to pop her right in the chops and tell her to drag her ass back to her nudie camp!!!!

I'm just at a loss and I feel very alone on this journey. I feel like my husband is often detached from me, and thats probably because he has his own demons to deal with in this whole mission, but I just feel alone. He tells me I don't understand his issues, and perhaps I don't, but I'm trying so hard to understand and help him through it. He seems to just put up a wall and not want to talk about it or deal with it and that just doesn't seem to be working..........for either of us. I don't think he can even begin to understand the magnitude of what I am feeling (not just 3 times a month when he has pressure to perform) but every single minute of my every single day. I am so consumed by all of this that its just overwhelming!! I wish that Craig and I could switch places for a couple days to better understand how the other is feeling.......maybe then we could find an easier way through all this shit!!

Its not that I don't think anyone else understands. There is a board of women just as bad off (if not worse that me) on the message board I frequent, that know exactly the place I'm in right now. Beyond that, no one has a clue, not even my husband.

I'm praying..........alot! For God to keep giving me the continued strength to go on and not quit or give up. To not let this defeat me. I hope he hears my prayers and helps me and my husband......for this to be our month.

Everything does seem to be clicking in place timing-wise fo this cycle....... I got coverage at work for 2 hours on Monday for my CD9 U/S and labs, and I was able to trade days off with someone incase we do IUI and I need that day off for it.......... hopefully these are all signs that we are headed in the right direction with a BFP at the end of the road.

So, if you made it through this, I pray I haven't offended you by my comments, I just needed to get it all off my chest........ and find a way to breath through all this.

Sorry, no random picture to post tonight-- I'm not in a cutesy picture kind of place tonight.