Petrified . . . . . . . . . . .

So, if you read my previous post, you'll recall that C. and I decided that we would test on Thursday (tomorrow) which will be 12 dpo/IUI, but I am now officially petrified to do so!

A little background as to why:
I've been testing out the Trigger this month, (my trigger was done about 28 hours prior to IUI). On 9 dpo, I got a super faint line when I POAS, and I was totally thrilled thinking, my trigger has always been out by 7 dpo, so being that on 9dpo, it was actually 10dp trigger, so in my mind, it couldn't possibly still be the trigger right? Well, WRONG!!!! I flew out of bed on the morning of 10 dpo (like 5 am early) and ran in and POAS........ STARK WHITE TEST LINE!!! How the hell did it take my body 10 days to metabolize the trigger out!!!! Thats just crazy to me!!!

So, now that I'm 11 dpo/IUI and on the eve of test day, I'm shittin' myself and I'm a bundle of freakin' nerves!!!!! I honestly don't think that I can possibly take seeing another BFN this month. I honestly do not know how I will be able to handle it without finally going over the edge!!! I have been so positive this month, keeping an upbeat positive outlook, trying to be good to my body and mind. I've been praying alot, and C. and I have been lighting the prayer candles that I made for each one of us. (C. has actually brought a smile to my heart a couple times this past week, as I've come home from work when he's been home and he has taken it upon himself to light his prayer candle. So it touches me that he really is trying to stay postive about this month too).

So, back to the testing stuff, as I just went off a little of track there. I feel that honestly I'm better off waiting until Friday to test as that will be 13 dpo/IUI. The reason I'm feeling that way, is because back in Nov when I got PG, I didn't get a BFP until 13 dpo, and it was super super faint, then on 14 dpo, I got another bfp on a $ store cheapie followed by a bfp on a digital. Emotionally, I don't know if I can handle seeing another stark white test area tomorrow morning, without loosing my shit!!!

Meanwhile, I'm going nutso with all the symptoms I've having. Achy burning boobs/nips, nausea throughout the day, fatigue, and I've been having alot of dull achy pains in my lower right abdominal area. Not really cramps, just pinchy little pains......they come, last about 1 or 2 mins and then go away.

Its ridiculous as I go into each month, I think to myself, that I'm just so used to the 2WW, that nothing will throw me this month....... Ha!!!!! Every month it just gets worse and worse and worse. I'm honestly just so nervous about testing that I'm sick to my stomach.

The fear of getting another bfn this month is far far worse than heading into the cycle doing shots in my stomach each night, doing the IUI for the first time........ I'm honestly just so scared to see this month be a BFN.

I guess when C. gets home from work tonight, we'll talk it out, and he'll tell me to do whatever I think we should do and we'll go from there, but as it stands now, I honestly believe I'll be waiting until Friday to test.

So stay tuned, and if you wouldn't mind, send any positive thoughts and prayers my way for Friday morning!!!