Very Sad Today.......

I am very sad today. Not sad about the usual IF stuff that my blog is generally overflowing with, but sad because today is the Anniversary of my Dad passing away. I know I've talked about this previously in other blogs, but my dad is still so important to me that I feel my sadness about missing him warrents its own blog.

My Dad passed away on July 26, 1994, when I was a mere 22 years old. He celebrated his 48th Birthday on July 17, became sick with Bronchitis which quickly turned into CHF and an admit to the hospital, which then snowballed into a massive MI. They tried to get him back for over 45 minutes, but it was all over. Alot of people go through an experience like this and say that it all happened so fast, it was like a blur and they don't really remember much about it. I remember every single thing that happened in those few horrible days. I remember them clear as day. I can close my eyes and I'm sitting outside of CCU watching it all happen. It instantly brings me to tears. I remember the pain of knowing where it all was heading, the fact that my brother was on his way back to the hospital (only having gone home 40 mins away to shower and take the dogs out and feed them) and by the time he got to the hospital, our dad was gone. I remember standing out in the hallway talking with my boyfriend and a couple other friends (I worked in the hospital and knew alot of people there)and I remember crying saying "This can't happen, not yet, he's only 48 and has way too much living left to do. He needs to walk me down the aisle someday when I get married, he needs his chance to be a grandfather!!" (well, I guess out on much there as I still haven't been able to have a baby 14 years later!!!).

I remember being completely numb in the days after he passed, sitting in the funeral home helping my mom make arrangements, numb as all our family arrived to support us. People sleeping on the living room floor, in the spare bedroom, in hotels....... a nonstop stream of people coming to the house, it was all so overwhelming and numbing all at the same time. It was actually very surreal. It wasn't until everything was over and people started going home and things became quiet that the magnitude and reality of what had happened and what we were now missing from our lives really set in. I remember going back to my apartment the day after my dads funeral, and going into my closet to get a few things and literally colapsing on the closet floor. I sat there a sobbed for hours. Honestly I could go on and on and on until the blog world cut me off, about how my life got turned upside down after my dad passed, but I'll try not to keep carrying on about it.

Instead I'll touch on just a few of the many many great things I remember, appreciated and most of all loved my dad for.

My dad was such a hard worker. He worked for NY State as a Correctional Officer for 18 years, and my brother and I never wanted for anything. Between him and my mom, we never went without a single thing. No matter the cost etc, we always had everything we needed and much much more. The atmosphere in my house growing up was never one that was a "coochie coochie coo" leave it to Beaver kind of house.......that just wasn't us. We just knew how much we were loved, there was never any question. I knew my dad loved me with his whole heart, I was a total Daddy's Girl 110%.I didn't need my parents to tell me every minute, I just always knew they loved me and were ALWAYS there for me and my brother. When my dad wasn't working, he was always keeping busy at home. Yardwork, woodworking, working on the car. He played on a softball league with alot of his friends and I never missed a game. He used to love to get in the car and go for a ride after dinner in the summertime. My parents and I would go over to Vermont on our rides (we lived 2 mins from the Vermont Border in Upstate NY), and we'd spot deer in fields, and my dad and I would have contests to see who could spot more deer, and how many etc. God, I'd give anything to go on one more car ride with him.

He was an amazing man, who instilled alot of really good morals in me, my parents gave me the wisdom, knowledge and the smarts to do my best to always make the right choices in my life, and for that, I will be forever grateful. (and speaking of smarts, he wanted to be sure I had some "street smarts" too. We used to have little lessons on different ways to "defend myself" with his prison issue nightstick (baton).... I kid you not....... It wasn't like I drove around with a nightstick in my car or walked around with one on my hip, so I don't really know when the opportunity would have occured for me to use my "skills", but nevertheless, I was taught and prepared just in case).

Everyday, even 14 years later, I still get signs that he's around me, and watching over me. Every time I see a red cardinal I think of him. (its a long story, but the jist of it is, that he loved Cardinals, so much so that his tombstone has a deer and a cardinal in a tree on it and ever since he passed, cardinals have come into my life with meaningful experiences many many times, and many times when I was having a tough time, and I truly believe with all my heart that this is my dads way of letting me know he is around me and watching out for me by sending cardinals my way).

My latest experience was just the other night after a dream I had. (My dad does still come to me in my dreams, and after he does I always awake feeling comforted that he has visited me, again to let me know he is still around me).

So I had a dream Tuesday night and he was in it. I don't remember alot of the dream, but what I did remember when I woke, was that in the dream he kept telling me to go buy him some lottery tickets. He said it several times, and then said "here's $26.50 to go buy me some lottery tickets". When I woke, I thought to myself, how weird, that he'd specifically say to me here's $26.50 and I thought, geez--maybe I should go play the lottery just incase. The day went on and I kinda forgot about it, so I never bought any tickets. Fast foward to Weds evening, and I'm sitting watching TV and on comes the FL Pick 3 and Pick 4 results for Weds........

Catch this...... the pick 3 number was 6-5-0 and the pick 4 numbers were.................... 2-6-5-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that not friggin' unbelievable!!!??? (and of course I didn't play them!!!) But it cerainly is an experience I'll never forget and just another reason I know my dad is with me.

I've managed to do okay today, but I've been carrying around alot of sadness all day. I went to the gym after work today, and just really had a hard time concentrating and focusing, so after about 45 mins, I decided to head home before I hurt myself not paying attention. I sat out back on the lanai while cooking dinner, and sent some prayers up to the Big Guys in the sky (big guys= G-O-D and my dad).

I know my dad is at peace, and would never have wanted him to stay here on earth, if his quality of life was depleated, he'd never have wanted to live that way, and he had made that perfectly clear many many times over the years. I pray he is content and gets to do all the things he loved doing on earth up in Heaven.

I also send up alot of prayers hoping that the little angel we lost back in November when I had my m/c is there with him and he is getting to enjoy his grandchild. It makes a M/C a tiny bit easier to cope with knowing that their spirits are together up there in Heaven.

I love you always dad, and not a day goes by that I don't think about you and miss you, and I always will.

Progress..........

So, it's been a couple weeks since I last posted, so i figured I'm loooong overdue to blog about something.

I am very happy to report that the my latest journey to get healthy is off to a great start!!! C and I are still working out at the gym 5-6 times a week and have been doing great with our Low Carb "Lifestyle". I am thrilled to say that as of Saturday 7-19, I am down 8 POUNDS!!!!! I've also lost 2 inches in my waist and 3 inches off my hips!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! My clothes are getting baggy already too, so I'm thrilled!!! (C. is doing good too, and has lost 6 pounds!!)

Although I feel lost not TTC right now, it feels really good to focus on something besides daily injections in my stomach, trying to fit in Dr's appointments and Ultrasounds around my crazy work schedule etc. It feels great to be in the gym and not really even think about all my TTTC woes. I go in, distract myself with good music, and let all my stress go, and revel in the adrenalin rush you get from a good workout. The next thing I know, its 90 mins later, and I feel good about myself and accomplished . (and believe me, its been a loooooong time since I've felt good about really anything in my life.)

As far as TTTC goes, there is really nothing to report in. My body continues to be its psycho self, of which I have no control over.........Yeah-- whats new there right?? Anyhow, the plan as of now is that we will take off August from TTC, mainly because I'll be out of town (Upstate NY-- here I come.....only for 5 days, but I'm super psyched about a visit back home), and then hopefully we'll jump back in and try again in September (october will be out as we will be spending 2 weeks in Upstate NY when my brother gets married), so I'm already starting my prayers that September will be our lucky month!!

I guess thats about all for now, I just wanted to check in and not abandon my blog. I'll keep updating with my weight loss progress, and will hopefully continue to post good things!!!!!!

The Start of a New Journey

So, its been about a week since I last posted a blog, I guess I needed time to process all of our last failed cycle. Truth be told I'm still processing it. And I'm still questioning and 2nd guessing my choice to take a break. I know that mentally, we both really needed to take this break, it was just becoming such an ovewhelming burden to both of us, that we were petrified of it ruining our wonderful marriage, and that of course is the last thing either of us want. I couldn't live without him, nor him without me.....I mostly question our break because of the fact that I'm pretty positive this last cycle ended as a Chemical Pregnancy--- so I wonder if we had gone ahead with this month's cycle that it would have been the sucessful one since we most likely did have fertilization just not implantation with this one....... I hope we didn't ruin our progress by taking a break......... as always, all my thoughts seem to be consumed by I hopes, I wish, and I'm scared's.

So, we joined a gym last week, one that is close to where we live, so we don't have the excuse that we don't feel like driving there etc...... we also both started back on our low carb diet as of yesterday (Monday) so together we are headed on a new journey, for now anyways.......... a journey back to feeling better about ourselves and a journey to better health as well. (it will be benificial for me having PCOS and beneficial for C. since he has diabetes). We were both very sucessful doing low carb in the past, last time we did it I lost about 25 pounds, and have only put about 8 of it back on since we stopped (incidently we stopped it after I got PG, then went back on it after the New year and then stopped again a few months ago).

We met with a trainer tonight, to go over diet and exercise plans. Of course that involves the ever so embarrassing mounting of the scale, and the even better body fat analysis......... which have been kept top secret from C. because even I have limits to what I will share with him (its really probably the only thing I won't/don't share with him!!).

I'm also dealing with mounting pressure and nerves as I approach what would have been my EDD (Sunday 7/13). As much as I've tried to stay away, I have still been lurking on the SAIF board, and all the girls that were due right around the same time as me are now giving birth...... its like a stab in the heart.......

July has kinda sucked for me for quite a few years now, and this just adds to the craptasticness of it....... my dad passed away in July (of 2004, 1 week after his 48th Birthday......yes you read that right, he was only 48...I was only 22 when he died), so every July I cry on his birthday because I miss him so much still, and then I cry my heart out a week later on the anniversary of his passing.....) So, add to it, the fact that I should be holding my baby right now, or atleast preparing to sucks ASS..........

Anyhow-- this post was supposed to be on a more postive note, but has managed its way back to what I hurt about most, IF and PG loss...... I guess you write about what you know best don't you???

Hopefully my next few posts will start to become a little more positive, and as I start making great progress on my fitness/wt loss Journey I'll update it here.

Thanks to those who still check in here, and for your comments...... I haven't been the best at emails to friends or family lately, but I appreciated everyone's support and will try to do better this week. (and btw, I do still check in on all your blogs, even if I haven't been commenting!)

Big love to all.....

Done, Over and Broken........

its been an aweful rollercoaster weekend....... and it ends with shitty news.......I tested on Friday 13 dpo/IUI and got a very faint bfp (thats when I posted my last blog post), and I thought we'd have good news to share, but wanted to wait to be sure by re-testing the next day. So I tested Sat 14 dpo/IUI and got another faint line, but darker than the day before and well within the 10 min test time.So I started to get really excited but was still afraid to post....... I guess it was my intuition telling me to not get excited.

I tested Sunday morning, and got a big stark snow white test and was like WTF???? So I was upset and crying on and off all day Sunday, trying to keep my mind busy doing other things, and then re-tested in the afternoon with a Digital when DH got home......... only to read a giant ugly NOT PREGNANT!!!!!I don't get it--- my trigger was out 10 dpo so that wouldn't have been giving me false positives....... maybe it was a chemical PG??

I started spotting Sunday night, and got the bitch whore AF on Monday, full on flow ............... so, IT. IS. ALL. OVER.

I had one of the worst breakdowns of my life Sunday night...... (2nd only to my dad passing away and my m/c). I sat in the middle of my kitchen floor and just sobbed. I told dh I wanted to dig a hole in the back yard and climb into it and disappear........ he literally had to pick me up off the floor.

It seems IF has finally beat me down to nothing. I had so much hope and belief that this was going to be it for us. I don't honestly know how much more heartbreak I can stand. I was so down and out on Sunday, that I actually visited websites about learning to live childless (and of course, sobbed as soon as the site would load).With all that said, we have to decided to take a break for a couple months (well, I decided and dh is supportive of whatever I want and need to do right now). As much as I don't want to take a break, I don't honestly think that mentally I can take another month of disappointment without someone having to commit me, I just need a little break to breath. I'm scared that the progress we've made with meds etc will all be lost and be some sort of set-back and thats the only thing making me 2nd guess taking a break.

So we'll take July off (we'll try on our on, but I'm not banking on much in that department), I'll be traveling during O time in August up to NY, so thats out, so it looks like we'll start back trying in September.In the meantime, we've both joined a gym close to where we live, and I'm going to be balls to the wall with loosing some weight and getting back into shape, both mentally and physically.

Thanks to those who were curious and supportive. I'm sure I'll continue my blogs, although my posts may take a temporary turn of direction for now.

So, that has been my suck ass shit rotten hell of a weekend. At this point in my blog, it seems as though I always try to end on a positive note, however, I'm having extreme difficulty finding anything positive at all to talk about, besides the fact that I am grateful for having my C. in my life to love, hold and support me.

Babe, if you happen to read this, thank you for literally picking me back up from all this mess, and as always, for loving me, no matter what. You are my everything, and I can't breath without you.

Ummmmm.....can't share anything yet!

Okay-- I've been MIA for a couple days.......

I had a mini-meltdown yesterday as I started having really bad cramping, and I swiped a tiny bit of pink after peeing, and I was certain that this cycle is over.

As of today, 13 dpo/IUI the jury is still out and there is no conclusive evidence one way or another. No other spotting except for once yesterday. Still having some weird cramping feelings that come and go (but not like AF dull achy cramps), I had nausea 1/2 the morning today at work.

The past few months AF has arrived like clockwork at 14 dpo (and by 12 dpo-13 dpo I have ALOT of spotting), and there is honestly no signs of AF as of the moment I type this Friday night........... so thats a really good sign right??

We did test today, and I'll keep the results of that to myself (and to C. of course) as to not reveal what we don't really know, and certainly I don't want to jinx our chances..........

So, thanks to those who've offered caring thoughts and messages this far (on here and via email), they really mean alot, and as soon as we might know something definative, I'll let be sure to post on the Nest and here when I'm ready to .

So again, thanks for all the well wishes, and please keep em coming....... we need all the prayers and positive thoughts we can get.

Much Love to all

Petrified . . . . . . . . . . .

So, if you read my previous post, you'll recall that C. and I decided that we would test on Thursday (tomorrow) which will be 12 dpo/IUI, but I am now officially petrified to do so!

A little background as to why:
I've been testing out the Trigger this month, (my trigger was done about 28 hours prior to IUI). On 9 dpo, I got a super faint line when I POAS, and I was totally thrilled thinking, my trigger has always been out by 7 dpo, so being that on 9dpo, it was actually 10dp trigger, so in my mind, it couldn't possibly still be the trigger right? Well, WRONG!!!! I flew out of bed on the morning of 10 dpo (like 5 am early) and ran in and POAS........ STARK WHITE TEST LINE!!! How the hell did it take my body 10 days to metabolize the trigger out!!!! Thats just crazy to me!!!

So, now that I'm 11 dpo/IUI and on the eve of test day, I'm shittin' myself and I'm a bundle of freakin' nerves!!!!! I honestly don't think that I can possibly take seeing another BFN this month. I honestly do not know how I will be able to handle it without finally going over the edge!!! I have been so positive this month, keeping an upbeat positive outlook, trying to be good to my body and mind. I've been praying alot, and C. and I have been lighting the prayer candles that I made for each one of us. (C. has actually brought a smile to my heart a couple times this past week, as I've come home from work when he's been home and he has taken it upon himself to light his prayer candle. So it touches me that he really is trying to stay postive about this month too).

So, back to the testing stuff, as I just went off a little of track there. I feel that honestly I'm better off waiting until Friday to test as that will be 13 dpo/IUI. The reason I'm feeling that way, is because back in Nov when I got PG, I didn't get a BFP until 13 dpo, and it was super super faint, then on 14 dpo, I got another bfp on a $ store cheapie followed by a bfp on a digital. Emotionally, I don't know if I can handle seeing another stark white test area tomorrow morning, without loosing my shit!!!

Meanwhile, I'm going nutso with all the symptoms I've having. Achy burning boobs/nips, nausea throughout the day, fatigue, and I've been having alot of dull achy pains in my lower right abdominal area. Not really cramps, just pinchy little pains......they come, last about 1 or 2 mins and then go away.

Its ridiculous as I go into each month, I think to myself, that I'm just so used to the 2WW, that nothing will throw me this month....... Ha!!!!! Every month it just gets worse and worse and worse. I'm honestly just so nervous about testing that I'm sick to my stomach.

The fear of getting another bfn this month is far far worse than heading into the cycle doing shots in my stomach each night, doing the IUI for the first time........ I'm honestly just so scared to see this month be a BFN.

I guess when C. gets home from work tonight, we'll talk it out, and he'll tell me to do whatever I think we should do and we'll go from there, but as it stands now, I honestly believe I'll be waiting until Friday to test.

So stay tuned, and if you wouldn't mind, send any positive thoughts and prayers my way for Friday morning!!!

My "Dear Baby" Letter....

Well, I've been on the fence wanting to write a "Dear Baby" letter to my little one that I pray to God is snuggling in as I type this, but I've been having trouble writing it. Its almost like I feel too vulnerable to write it, but I still feel so compelled to write it anyways, so here it goes:

Dear Wee One,
I just want you to know how very much you are wanted. How much you have been prayed for, for years now it seems. Both daddy and I yearn to welcome you to our world, to our lives, to our hearts. For so long we have wanted you, to complete our family. Your daddy and I love each other very very much, but we need you to complete the little part that is missing to make our lives' whole. We have cried for you, prayed for you, struggled to get you here, and will do everything we can to show you each and every minute of your life how very much we love you and how much you mean to us.

I pray that you will join us and be part of our life. I pray that you will have your daddy's big brown eyes and laid back temperment. I pray that you have my little nose and sense of humor. I pray that you will have the best parts of your daddy and the best parts of me all wrapped up into one little miracle of life that you will be.

You will have sooooo many people who will love you so very much and have wished and hoped for you just like daddy and I. There's MeMe Loretta (My mom) who has hoped and prayed for you to join us for years now. She will spoil you like no one else could ever come close to doing. She will steal you away every chance she gets and love you to pieces. She's always wanted a grandbaby to spoil rotten and you are just the perfect baby for the job. Grandpa John will spoil you like crazy too, and will teach you how to bowl when you get old enough!! There's Uncle Rich and Aunt Sue, who although they live kinda far away, will take pride and joy in spoiling you and loving you up every chance they get.

Then there is Grandma Donna and Grandpa Frank....... there is tons of love to be had from them as well. Grandpa Frank will surely teach you how to golf as soon as your old enough, and Grandma Donna will love you up and spoil you lots too!

The list goes on and on of all the people who would love nothing more than for you to join us and be part of our loving family.

There will never be alot of things I ask of you as my child, except to accept and give love, be a good person, and know you can always trust your daddy and I. The only other thing I want to ask of you, is to please snuggle into me, your mommy, and get nice and comfy and enjoy the ride for the next 9 months while you grow big and strong in mommy's belly.

Always remember how much daddy and I love you and how badly we want you to join us and be part of our family, our hearts, and our souls. I hope and pray in four or five days we get the BIG news we are desperately hoping for, and we'll know that you've heard our prayers and want to be with us as much as we want to be with you.

Love Always,
Your Mommy
_________________________________________________________

Okay, now that I have gotten that off my chest, I feel better, and it turns out not so vulnerable afterall. It feels good to put it down on "virtual" paper, as it makes it more real.

Today I am 8dpiui (for those not up on the lingo is 8 days past IUI).
I had alot of cramping days 1-4 past IUI. The last several mornings I've had some waves of nausea while at work (and at home), and one morning I even though my blood sugar might be low, so I checked it at work, and it was fine. I have been really tired and have taken a nap every day in the afternoon for the last 4 days and have been having jabs of pain in my bb's here and there. Today I have been having dull achy pains in my lower abdominal area, mostly on the right side. They actually start kinda sharp and then go dull and achy and then after a few minutes it fades away, then comes back a while later. I try and compare what I am feeling these past few days with how I felt when I was PG back in November, but I didn't know I was actually PG in the days leading up to my BFP so I don't really remember what I felt in those days leading up to it, aside from having weird spotting and wondering why the hell AF wasn't coming with all the spotting.

In alot of ways, I don't want any symptoms to be the same as when I got PG before, because it ended in a m/c and I'm afraid that if I feel the same things as before, it could end up a repeat of the last time.

I have been testing out the trigger (with OPk's because I keep forgetting to buy $ store tests) and this morning was very very faint, so hopefully tomorrow mornings' will show nothing and then when I do work up the guts to test, we'll know its not the trigger.

I did talk with C. to see if he wants to be home/with me when I test this month. (I usually sneak in a dollar store cheapie without him knowing and its usually right before AF shows her ugly ass, so that I don't crash from the disappointment so badly). C. says he'd really like to be with me when I test this month. (the month we got a bfp I woke him up at 430 am before I went to work, to make him look at the faintest bfp ever...... so faint that he told me not to get my hopes up and wait til I tested with something NOT from the dollar store..... then I tested that night while he was at work, and when the diggie popped up PG, I jumped in the car and drove to his job to show him. It wasn't the most romantic, exciting way to do it, but I couldn't have waited til he got home at 11 pm that night .....) So this time, I think he's hoping to be a bit more involved in it, and I'm fine with that, he can jump up and down with me in pure utter joy when we get good news!!!

As it stands now, I think we will test on Thursday morning as we are both off from work that day. That will be 12 dpo which may be a little too early, but hopefully not.

So here's to lots more wishful thinking, prayers and one great big GIANT BFP on Thursday. So if you have any extra baby dust to sprinkle my way I'd surely appreciate it!!