I Can't Breathe

*** for those who read this, I'm giving you a heads up-- this is gonna be a sad one***

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,
A broken heart, That's still beating......

Exactly one year ago today, I headed to my RE, thrilled to pieces for my 1st U/S
to hear a heartbeat of the little one I was carrying inside me. C. and I nervously
waited for the Dr. and the U/S tech to come in. As soon as the U/S started, I knew
something was wrong. That was the day I found out I was going to M/C. Our angel
had stopped growing and was not in the right place.

I laid on that exam table begging God to please not do this. To please not take my
baby away. All my begging and pleading with Him did no good, as I went home and M/C'd the next day. (the Anniversary of the day I m/c'd is Thanksgiving Day this year).

A year ago, I felt so angry and sad, but mostly just numb. I cried for 5 days straight, wouldn't talk to a single person, except my mother and C. I didn't sleep for days. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

I managed to make it through all the milestone and anniversary dates (my EDD, the anniversary of the day we got our BFP) and survived and thought (well mostly hoped) that I'd get to this day and somehow be okay.

I am not okay.
I can't breathe.

It started on Sunday while shopping with my mother. Walking down a Christmas aisle in Joann's. I started to have a mini panic attack, started to get dizzy, felt like I couldn't breath. I almost started to cry and had to walk away from my mother, as I was embarrassed that I am still such a wreck a year later. I got a grip and my mom didn't catch on, Thank goodness.

I worked on Monday, and the entire day I just felt like I was being suffocated by the gloom and doom of what the next few days would hold. I had to keep biting my lip to not start crying in front of my patients. A co-worker asked if I was okay, all I could do was shake my head no, I started getting teary-eyed, and had to quickly change the subject while I fought off tears.

I managed to survive yesterday a little better. However, today, I am much worse off than the past two days. I stood in my kitchen 30 mins ago, cutting up bread to make homemade stuffing for tomorrow, I started sobbing. I flashed back to last year, when I was PREGNANT and cooking T-giving dinner for 12 people. I was so exhausted, yet thrilled to be doing it, knowing that on T-giving day, we'd all be expressing our thanks for the little gift that was growing inside me.

Now, here I am, one year later, with nothing more than I had a year ago and an empty broken heart and empty arms to add to it. I thought I'd be better by now, that I'd atleast have healed somehow.

I don't think I have. I think all I've learned to do is mask my pain, and to hide the pain from others.

I thought I was stronger than this. Apparently I am not. I am not strong at all, and I'm feeling pretty disappointed in myself for that. I've never let anything beat me, I've always fought back, always determined to come out on top.

THIS is beating me.

For those of you who read this, I apologize for the sadness of my blog, its really the only place I really allow myself to let it all out. I can't find it in me to lay it all out over and over again with C. Its not fair to him to have to hear me go on and on about it. I know he is sad too and is suffering, however he doesn't really talk to me much about it. I think he doesn't talk to me about it, as he is afraid it will make me even more sad than I already am. (I don't think thats possible though).

I think the time has come to talk to someone. Someone who can help me to either learn how to move past this pain, or atleast find ways to cope with it instead of masking it. All I know is its' beating me.

I feel like someone has their hands around my diaphragm and they keep squeezing it tighter and tighter until I feel like I can't even get a breath of air in me.

I think my inner pain is suffocating me.

I don't know much anymore. What I do know, is that I should have a 4 month old baby right now, who should be celebrating its first T-giving with C and I. I should be getting "My first Christmas" pictures taken of my baby to send in Christmas cards to all our family this year.

Instead I sit here, crying my heart out, wishing for what was, and what should be.

Wishing for something I may never have.

Sympathy Symptoms??

Okay-- I know this makes absolutely no sense at all, but for some reason I think I'm having "sympathy symptoms" from a year ago when I was PG at this time. It sounds absurd, this I know for sure, but I can't help but keep thinking this. I've been having nausea every morning from about 8 am til about noon (thats when my m/s was the worst when I was PG). My nips feel like they are on fire (again, how I felt when pg), I've been falling asleep on the couch at 7:30 at night(again, same as when I was PG) I've been having pinching/twinges down by my ovaries (same as when PG). Are you seeing a connection here? Do I think they are new PG symptoms? NOPE!!! We had poor timing this month, and it was another non-medicated cycle and I'm sure I don't "O" without meds. So I can only think that it is my sad brains' way of messing with me and and sadly clinging to what was a year ago.

Of course, as I previously wrote about, each day the past few weeks, have been filled with "last year at this time I was PG, and I remember feeling "this" and "that" on each day I was PG and happy. I remember all the happy emotions I felt and how tired I was, I even walked into a grocery store the other day, and as I walked by the greeting card aisle, I flashed back to one year ago, when DH and I stood there looking for a card, and I was gagging because something smelled so strong, I couldn't take it and had to leave the store.

What is it about my brain that I just can't seem to let go of these things?? It makes healing and moving on very difficult!!!

With each day that passes, and as I get close to the 1 year anniversary of the day I miscarried and our lives took a sad turn for the worse, I can't help but feel like I really haven't moved on and haven't healed. My heart still aches and feels quite empty. I feel like there will always be this gaping hole from the loss of my angel. It is filled with worry that I will never have a child. (again, of course all of this is compounded by the fact that we are on a break, so I'm feeling an amplified effect).

I wonder if I need to seek some professional help? Are my feelings natural and normal or am I truly having issues moving on? Even more so, do I need to move on? Obviously I can't stay stuck in this rut I feel I am in, but I also know based on my personality and traits, that I will never forget the angel I lost. I will never stop remembering even though we were PG for a rather short time. I will carry that emptiness with me always. When we lost our angel, I feel as though a part of my died too.

I wish some sort of divine intervention would shed some light down upon me and give me the answers I need. I've been driving myself insane for too long now, and feel as though this angst and hurt will never go away.

I don't deal well with loss at all (thats what happens when you dad passes away when you are 22 years old). I myself am not afraid of dying..... I do believe that there is so much more for us to experience when we are done here on earth, so much better stuff waiting. And that all the loved ones we've lost will be there waiting for us when we get there. What I am afraid of, is losing those I love and care about so deeply.

I think is all compounded by the fact that I don't really ever talk to anyone about how I feel. C. and I talk about this here and there, but I just can't bring myself to express my deepest fears and sadness. It seems to me its a big enough burden to carry myself, that I don't need to place any of that burden onto anyone else. I'm not depressed....... I'm very well aware of those S/S, and I don't fit the profile for depression (besides that, I don't feel I need another crutch such as an antidepressant. And I don't need anything to numb my feelings instead of healing them either).

I hate feeling so sad. I guess thats what it really boils down to.

S.A.D.

Deep Thoughts.......by Jack Handy

** I started this blog with a different title, but then it started going in all different directions so I have retitled it rather appropriately I think!**

And in honor of today's blog title, I will re-start it with a quote from Jack Handy himself.

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

Not for any reason in particular, it just is a better day. I made it through the "anniversary"of the day I got my BFP, and managed to survive it. I actually think the couple days leading up to it were almost harder than the actual day for some reason, but none the less, I made it through yet another sad milestone. Now I guess there is just one left to make it through, the anniversary of the day I m/c'd.

I've said it many times in previous blogs, but it is just so strange to me how easy it is for me to recall all my thoughts, feelings and emotions from each day that ticks by......... a YEAR ago. In the days after I got my BFP, I could easily tell you what I did each of those days in the first week or two after our good news. I went to Disney World, I went shopping for a new shower curtain for my bathroom I had painted right before I got my BFP, I remember how worn out I was after going shopping,, and came home and took a nap, and I remember exactly where I took that nap, and the position I laid in ............ Bizarre right??

I guess in someway, maybe its my subconscious holding onto things. Maybe I'm scared that I won't get to experience it again, so I'm clinging to the memories I do have from before. Maybe its because I don't really have anything but my memories to remember my baby by. I don't have an U/S picture to cling to, I don't have anything solid to remember my angel by, except my medical records from my old RE's office, where it is noted in detail about my M/C. Pretty sad huh??

I've been coming across alot of info online regarding using Positivity in Infertility in helping to get PG....... and I have to be honest here. I'm having a really hard time buying into it. Maybe its the shitty IF hand I've been dealt? Maybe, its the shitty hand I've been dealt all around in my life, not just when it comes to TTC? Everything I've ever gotten in my life, I've had to work really really hard for....... and I'm totally cool with that. I think its made me a better and stronger person because of it. I wouldn't want anything just handed to me. Where's the life experience in that??? I would however appreciate a break now and then......just a little something to make life a LITTLE easier.

So back to the positivity thing. I'm trying to be open to it. I'm trying to not be dismissive about it and trying to not just write it off as crap. I guess it will have to be a work in progress. I've had people suggest I read that book "The Secret", but I just can't bring myself to read it. I just can't deal with others telling me the whole cliche thing. " If you just relax and think positively, I bet you'll get PG". S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y??? Hmmmmmm..... to think 2 RE's should have been able to tell me that almost three years ago when we started this whole shitty TTC journey, and if it were truly the case, then I'd have atleast 2 kids by now right?

Bottom line....... if your body doesn't work right (whether it be PCOS like in my case, or Endo, or that your body won't cooperate in allowing implantation etc), your body doesn't work right..... and all the positive thinking in the world won't make a bit of difference......... It just won't!

So we'll see where this whole Positivity thing gets me....... those who know me well know I am not a Pessimist. I am a REALIST. This ain't my first time at the rodeo, and I've been around the block more times than I'd like to admit, so my money is not on the whole "be positive and get PG" thing............ at all.

A Year Later....and Still Heartbroken

Well here I sit on the eve of the one year anniversary of finding out we were PG!!! And here I sit, still with nothing, sad, heartbroken and still defeated. I managed to make it through the other painful "dates" like each milestone month that I should have been PG and our EDD in July. I didn't think I'd make it through my EDD but I did, and kinda figured that I'd made it through that date and that everything else would start to be a little easier. But here I sit, fighting back tears instead. I've been fighting them back for the last two days actually.

Why does the date still flash at me like a beacon light? Well that would be because I am STILL pathetic enough to have ALL FIVE BFP tests stashed away in my bathroom in a baggie. Each one is dated and the test time is noted on them and I can remember getting the 1st positive test like it happened yesterday, right down to the fact that I woke C. up at 4:45 in the morning to make him look at the test to see that faint 2nd line.

My heart just feels so heavy and empty. I still have a very hard time dealing with the fact that I should have a three month old beautiful baby right now, and I have NOTHING....... well -- I take that back, I have C. and my furbabies who make getting through each day bearable and I'm thankful for them each and every day.

But my arms and my heart and soul still are empty without the baby we were supposed to have. The heartbreak I still feel is enormous and so heavy. I feel so weighed down by the sorrow I still feel.

I imagine alot of this sorrow is multiplied by the fact that we are still on a break, but I think I will be making an appt w/ my RE before my Dec. cycle to see about doing a TI cycle with meds (we honestly cannot afford to do an OOP (out of pocket) IUI cycle the month of Christmas, especially since we just came back from at 2 1/2 week vacation in Upstate NY, but maybe a TI cycle would atleast start to give me a little hope again.......... I don't know..... I guess C. and I will have to have a sit down and talk it out and decide from there.

I'd hoped I'd be in a better place by now........ a year later, but I guess not. I guess the heartbreak, sorrow and missing part of my heart just isn't ready to let go of the sadness I feel over our lost angel. As I've written before, the most I can pray for is that our little angel is in Heaven with my dad, and they are watching over each other.

I guess thats all for now, and I'll go cry myself to sleep.