An Epiphany of Sorts?

Yep, an epiphany. I was looking out my kitchen window today, and noticed my bird bath had tipped over in the wind last night (not really sure how as it is a cement bird bath, but nevertheless it fell over). I also noticed some beautifully blooming roses in my garden where the bird bath is. This garden is my "Angel Baby Garden". After I M/C'd, my family (aunts and cousins) sent me the beautiful garden angel statue you see in the picture above. Last May, I created my garden with the garden angel as the focal point, but spend hours upon hours selecting plants to go in my memorial garden for the little one we lost. I think I spent two hours picking out the perfect rose bushes (the ones you see above). There are a couple posts about it in my blog, probably May 2008, but I am a doofus and don't have a clue how to insert a clicky link here back to it.

So back to today. I was out fixing the bird bath, and trimming back some branches and bushes. When I was done, I stopped to really admire the beauty of the roses that are blooming. I looked at each rose bush carefully and my eyes then darted to all the blooms on each of the bushes. The 3rd picture above has larger roses and the middle picture has smaller tea roses. The larger rose bush has atleast 10 buds on it that will flower when they are ready and the smaller tea rose bush has 50 buds that will bloom!

Thats where my epiphany came to be! I stopped dead in my tracks, my breath caught and the tears started flowing like rain. It was then and there, at that very moment that I realized that we may have lost our little angel, but its spirit lives on in my garden. My baby couldn't survive inside me, but it thrives in the garden that was created in his/her honor. I was so touched and pleased to think that these rose bushes are doing so well, are thriving with help from our angel baby. Perhaps our little angel has come down and spread its spirit and "growing dust" about the garden and helped it grow the way it has. On a cloudy rainy afternoon, it was like someone was shining a bright light right down in front of me and I finally realized something I've been yearning to know for quite some time now.

I don't know if I'm even explaining it properly, but the emotion I felt and still feel from that is at times overwhelming, and my eyes are welling up with tears even as I type this hours later.

I guess after all this time since our loss, just shy of 17 months, this is one of the only times I have ever felt even a slightly positive sign about our loss. It feels good to think there is something a little positive about it, even if it is just something tiny.

Sorry..... Its been a rotten few weeks....

Its been a really rotten past few weeks, to say the least!! Obviously I'm not PG, or there would have been a HUGE post about that well before now.

Three days before I was supposed to POAS, C. called me 5 mins after he left for work, telling me he had been in a really bad car accident and couldn't breath! I went running from the house and flew the mile and a half to the scene to find him sitting on the curb trying to catch a breath. His car was totalled after a 74 year old woman pulled out right in front of him at an intersection and he couldn't stop in time, and T-boned her. She was ticketed, we spent 10 hours in the ER after he was taken via Ambulance, and after he endured neck and back x-rays, knee and ankle xrays, a CT Scan of the upper body, followed by passing out in x-rays (round 2) and another CT Scan to make sure he didn't have any internal bleeding. Good times....... thank God he is okay....although was very beat up and is still healing now, 3 weeks later.

So fast forward to 12 DPO, where I was toying with POAS with FMU, and I went in to PIAC, wiped and whammo-- AF arrived, making it a lovely 27 day cycle. So on top of dealing with all the stress of C's accident and trying to take care of him, we got slammed with a BFFN on top of it all.

Bad luck you say?? HA!! Wait, I'm not done! After two days of crying about the BFN, we decide that will roll into another cycle (Cycle # 35 for anyone counting) as I've still been off from work due to my work injury. I called and scheduled my CD3 U/S, hop up on the table only to hear MORE great friggin' news...... I had a HUGE cyst on my Left Ovary, and my RE wouldn't allow me to cycle, put me on BCP's and was told call back when AF starts up next month. And of course, I of little strength at that point, started bawling right in the middle of the RE's office, and practically ran out the door to the car, where I proceeded to call C. and give him the bad news, and then I cried the entire 40 minute drive home!

So how is all that for a big old pile of shit ass rotten luck? I swear C. and I have some of the worst luck around by far, we just can't ever seem to catch a break.

I'm honestly so beat down about it all, I just want to once again run away somewhere I don't know anyone and hide away forever. I have slightly "up" days and some "downright shitty" days and some days where I feel like I'm just wandering.

I've really started to consider the adoption route as I don't know how much more of all this I can take emotionally. I'm about to turn 37 in 6 weeks and feel like time really and truly is running out. I got some information in the mail today from Bethany Adoption Agency, but I'm not sure they would be the way to go for us, and it clearly states in their information that you need to make a statement about your strong Christian Faith in your application. I kinda question my ability to do that, after how my faith has been so tried and beaten down throughout our Infertility Journey. I don't know.... I'd like to think that we have a couple more cycles of trying in us atleast, before money runs out (we are certainly in no postion right now to even consider IVF (financially) nor has either of my RE's mentioned the fact that they feel we are a candidate for IVF-- during my last IUI, Dr. S. said, "In my opinion, I think you guys have just had some really bad luck") .

I don't know-- today is just one of those really crappy days for me where I'd like nothing more than to run away and hide and never look back. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.....