Regrets........

I was standing in the kitchen today doing dishes, and because I hate to do them, my mind always wanders to other things. My mind also always wanders every time I stand at the sink because it looks out at my angel garden statue and roses (the ones in the post below this).So today my mind wandered in part because a friend who I haven't been in touch with in a while found me on Fa.cebook. (she was more than just a friend honestly, she was my MOH in my wedding and we kind of just lost touch after my wedding in part that she lives 1500 miles away). So, I was thinking about that, which led me to thinking and wondering if I had never moved to Fl and stayed in NY, would things be different from the way things really are. NY has mandated fertility coverage, which I kick myself for almost daily, since I spent all my years as an adult in NY working in healthcare with top notch health benefits, and I never even knew I had any kind of coverage (not that I was in need of it back then but still). Now in writing this, I certainly don't mean I wonder about not being with my dh, thats not what I'm getting at.

What I'm getting at is the fact that if I had stayed up there, where I had better IF benefits coverage, how many children would I have by now!? How much shorter could have/would have my IF journey been?

And speaking of regrets, one of my biggest regrets that seems to haunt me quite often is the fact that I think I knew I had "girlie" problems for a long time, but never did anything about it. I always had weird/long/missed periods, and I never ever got PG (although I did have a couple "maybe I'm PG" moments along the way) with any of the boyfriends I had. I never took BCP's and my BF's very rarely used protection (I was always in a monogomous relationship when there was no protection). So, of course I think to myself, had I done the right thing back in my 20's and looked into the matter more, could some of my IF journey have been avoided or atleast lessened ?

I still blame myself for the fact that we don't have a child. I am the one who is broken, who needs to stick herself in the belly with needles and get poked and prodded multiple times a month with a Vag-Cam etc. I blame me for not taking better care of myself in the past...........

Had I done so, I wonder if my life now would be a lot different than it is. I try not to live my life with much regret. I generally look at things that don't go my way and try to find a lesson in what went wrong, learn from it, and move on knowing I won't make that same mistake again. But this is something I can't really learn from and not do again...........I guess all I can do is remain hopeful and keep believing that someday C. and I will be parents to a little one that is destined to bring joy and happiness and love to our lives.