Monday, September 27, 2010

Is Anyone Still Out There??

Well, let me start by saying that my last blog post just goes to show that just because you are sure your life is headed in one direction, it just doesn't seem to end up going that way!! The last time I wrote it was just over a year ago and C. and I were about to pick up our lives in FL and move back home to Upstate NY.......and we did......and thats pretty much where life veered off in its own direction....far away from the plans I were certain would be.

We got settled up in NY last fall, and were happy as could be to be back in the great northeast. We were a lot less stressed and so proud of ourselves for making the big move to come back "home". We somehow, by some miracle, managed to get PG on our own in Oct. of last year and I found out when that beautiful digital PG test said "PREGNANT"!!! I ran out and bought a tiny little Winnie the pooh bib for C. and gave it to him with the digital test when he got home that day...... we were thrilled of course, but very very cautious..... we'd been down that road before and learned our lesson to not count our eggs before they hatch! We hemmed and hawed and decided to share our happy news with our parents only....we didn't even tell our brothers. We had learned from our first m/c that while it is absolutely thrilling to be able to share your happy news with family and close friends, it is beyond heartbreaking to have to break bad news to them all (over and over again) if things don't turn out right. This pregnancy was very different from my first, in that I didn't have a drop of spotting whatsoever and by the second week we knew, I actually started to breath a little bit......perhaps that was my mistake! I was beyond thankful for the gift we had been given and I decided that it was time for me to start going back to church and get back in touch with my faith. I went to a new catholic church in my area, and it felt good to be back there.... I was actually almost moved to tears several times during mass, mostly due to my overwhelming sense of thankfulness.

Two days later, I began to spot after having some horrible cramps out of heart instantly sank and I knew it was bad and it was going to be over. By the next morning, I awoke at 5 am to go to the bathroom and was gushing blood. I sat and sobbed by myself in the bathroom for I don't know how long.......then finally made it back to bed, to find C. awake...... inbetween sobs I told him it was over....AGAIN..... and just didn't know how much more I could take as a failure at being PG. We supported each other and again made it through our loss, though it was no easier than the first time around. After trying to heal and attempting to get on with life, I again came to the junction I have been at many other times in my life....questioning my faith. It seems to me that everytime I have turned to G.od to be thankful and look for support, I seem to be let down time and again. I know I have written many times about this previously and will not get on a soapbox about it, I just don't seem to understand why my faith is so cyclic and why over the last 16 years I've gone back and forth wondering if the big guy in the sky is really on my side...... I still don't know.........

Anyhow....... I believe in my last post I was sure that C. and I would quickly land jobs with IF coverage (d/t the NY State Mandates for IF coverage). Well.......that didn't happen until April of 2010. We both started working for the same company in my small little hometown and were thrilled to find out that we did indeed have IF coverage (for diagnostics, IUI's and MEDS!!!!!) However, with my new job came some insane hours ---for the entire summer! I ended up working nearly 60 hours every single week from April until the end of August which of course meant there wasn't a single free day to get to see a new RE in my area. So, my point in how this post started out, is that I was sure we'd have IF coverage and be back in the game by the start of 2010, and as it has turned out, I just FINALLY got in for a consult with a new RE up here last week (Sept. 2010)!!!

One of the downsides to living in the boonies of upstate NY is that the closest RE to me is 90 mins away!!! Yep...90 mins!!! That being said, I already really like my new RE's office. Our initial consult was with my RE's PA who was very very knowledgable. And while she already had all 70 pages of my past records and knew we had already been through a lot with our IF battle, she still took the time to very thoroughly explain a lot about PCOS and we talked in detail about doing a RPL (repeat loss panel) to see if there may be some reason that I've had multiple miscarriages. We also decided that we will be checking a slew of labs (in addition to the RPL), I will go back to see the PA next week for an annual exam since I am overdue (she was awesome and offered to do the annual so that cycling wouldn't be delayed by trying to find a new GYN in my area and waiting to get in to see them which could take a month or two). I will go in for an U/S on CD 3 when good old AF arrives, followed by an SHG after that, and will then meet with the actual Doctor on Nov. 4th to review all my labs/tests and establish a plan. The PA and I are in complete agreement that injectibles are the way to go with IUI and we will most likely stick with Bravelle and Ovidrel again as in past cycles as it is what worked well for me. I was also pleased to learn that they do put every patient on Progesterone Support after IUI (etc). This pleased me so much because I have always felt as though maybe that was something lacking in my to failed PG's and both my RE's in FL always were insistant that I didn't need to be on any kind of Progesterone....

So, all in all C. and I left the new RE's feeling very positive. Even C. mentioned that it was really nice to have the PA and the nurse explain things in such detail and not rush us through our appointment. I honestly frequently felt that I didn't always recieve the best care in FL from my RE's since I wasn't an IVF patient. NOW....don't misunderstand me, I feel that anyone who has to endure IVF deserves a tremendous amount of attention and care.... I just don't feel its appropriate for some Dr's to make patients who are doing TI or IUI's feel like they are less important because they aren't shelling out $15K.

If your still reading, thank you and sorry for the exteme length of this entry but since I have been MIA from my blog for a year, I felt it only right that I catch back up to present day. As exciting as it is to be "back in the game" it of course is as equally scary. I'm really kinda out of the IF routine of daily injections and multiple dates with the vag cam in a month but I know it is just like riding a bike...... I'm back on and ready to glide back into things on our journey to become parents.

If you are blogging and would like to share your link please leave me a comment...I'm always interested in finding new blogs to follow. I wish anyone who is reading the best in their journey as well. IF stinks and its a horrible thing to have to deal with....its good to know there are others out there sharing the same dreams and journey that you are.


~Jess said...

I'm still here: I'm so sorry you had another loss *hugs*

Who is your RE? We're at CNY Latham/Albany...2 hours 1 way.

Good luck with the new RE!

Jeri Johnson Morgan said...

I am so sorry about your losses. Wishing you luck with your new Doctor. I am just beginning IVF this month after having a miscarriage in August.

cherry said...

Hi, Im a stranger but I read your blog. Im feeling the pain and the desperation/frustration, because I was there too, 15 months ago. But now Im living in a differently positive life, and that's because I learned to apply a better state of mind.
When you reach God, feel Him. Ask, and believe in your heart that it shall be given. The miscarriages may be His test of your faithfulness, yet, still believe, painful it may be, that He is there doing wonders in your life.
Instead of feeling the pain, count your blessings. See the wonderful things happening after these experiences. Maybe your relationship with your husband grows stronger as you shared the pain and nurture each other. Maybe you overwhelmed with love and sympathy of families, friends and even strangers. More people are praying for you, more than you could imagine.
I want to ask you a favor. Please do it if you somehow trust a stranger like me who happens to have just stumble in your blog.
Watch the dvd entitled "the secret" by rhonda bryne. then please keep in touch.
You have my prayers

Vanessa said...

I was just flipping through blogs and ran across yours, this is something i will deal with in the future, I have PCOS and have a really bad case of it. my blog is private but if you would like to read it then you can give me your email and I will invite you to read.

sadomaso said...

i'm here !

Anonymous said...

Don't give up hope honey, God is with you guys and knows the tears you've shed. You'll get pregnant. I felt called to write you. You haven't updated in a while and im interested in finding out where you guys are on your journey. I'm undergoing fertility treatments now for pcos and thyroid. I'm also 37 (2 weeks away from 38). I just had my first round of puregon, natural surge and no progesterone. I'm 9 days since iui. Lots of symptoms since iui. Anyway, your story touched me. 1 Samuel 1:27 is for you and me! Connie

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