Memorial Garden

So, after I had my M/C, I received something very very special in the mail from my two Aunts and my two Cousins. It was the most beatiful garden angel with a little bird perched on its arm. (they know I love to garden, and thought it would be a special way to remember our little angel that went to heaven). I sobbed the day I got it. That was back in December. Up until yesterday, I still hadn't created a garden to put her in. Part of me didn't want to put her outside and expose her to the elements and I think deep down the other part of me was thinking that by creating this garden it would again drive home the finality of our loss. So, for the past 4 1/2 months, she has sat out on my lanai. Everytime I was out there, I'd stop, look at her, and think about the love and support I have from my family.

So, yesterday (Saturday) I hopped in the Jeep and headed off to Home Depot to shop for some special flowers to create my memorial garden. I agonized over each plant I picked for in there. I chose several different rose bushes, then would put each of them back, until I found a very pretty one that "felt" like the right one. I chose my colors carefully, only picking the ones that again, "felt" right. Then I headed over to Lowe's to check out their selection of flowers, and did the same thing with the rose bushes. I kept walking around and around all of them, and couldn't find one that "felt" right. Until finally I came back around (for the 3rd time) to find a very beautiful pink rose bush. I could smell it before I even picked it up. I knew it was meant for my garden. As I made my way to the register, several people commented on the beauty of that rose bush, stopping me to admire it and take a smell. It was so pretty, that it even stopped a few ladies in their tracks as I was making my way to my car. As they walked away, the girl said "Oh grandma-- that was soooo beautiful!! ! Wow!!" I smiled as I knew I had picked the right one. So I loaded up my new rose bush and the few other flowers I had bought, hopped in the car to head home. I made it to the edge of the parking lot, and started crying. The kind of cry that totally ambushes you, the kind you don't even feel coming on. I was flipping through the radio stations at a red light, and WHAMMO!!! I cried about how PG I should be right now **28 weeks** (too PG to be planting a garden), I cried about what was taken from me, I cried about the finality of creating this garden and what it represents. I cried.......... all the way home.

Needless to say, I got a grip, and created my garden yesterday. It is gorgeous. I love my garden angel and what she represents. And although my little angel is no longer growing in me, its spirit will be able to grow for years and years in the garden I have created. Today, I am at peace with my new memorial garden and am so pleased I created it. Everyday I will take time to admire and appreciate it in all beauty and meaning.

"I Carry Your Heart"

So I came across this poem a while back (while watching "In her Shoes" I think it was ) and was moved by it then, and something made it pop back into my mind the other day again. I always thought it was about love for your mate.......plain and simple, but then when I re-read it, it made me think about my M/C and the little angel I lost. These words ring so true for my angel. I carry my little one in my heart. Everywhere I go, everything/everyone I see, I think about what my life should be like right now. I should have a nursery ready for our little one, I should only be a few months away from welcoming our angel into this world. I long for all these things so badly that it sometimes it hurts to breath. They always say Loss gets easier over time, but I don't really think I agree with that. Losing my baby is no easier today, than it was 4 1/2 months ago. I still cry when I'm alone, I get envious of others with adorable baby bellies, I still get angry that my baby was taken from me...........the only thing different about my emotions 4 1/2 months later, is that I've HAD to learn to cope with them in order to function each day. I'm not even PG again yet, and I worry constantly about the "what ifs" and the "I'm afraids" in regards to M/C. Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach with worry.

Anyhow, I could go on all night about my pain, hurt, emotions of the M/C, but I won't! I'll end this blog how it started, with this poem by E.E. Cummings.


i carry your heart with me

I carry your heart with me(I carry it inmy heart)
I am never without it(anywherei go you go,my dear;
and whatever is doneby only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the budand the sky of the sky
of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)
ee cummings

More Random Acts of Kindness

Well, a few weeks ago, I wrote about karma and acts of kindness from people I don't even know!

And here I am, about to write about it again. Simply put, I am amazed by the generosity and kindness of some wonderful women I don't even know. First it was Kittylove from the TTTC board that I frequent. She "paid it forward" with offering me something I was in search of, and I was overwhelmed by her kindness.

So that brings me to today. Something beyond giving and generous arrived at my house today. After my appointment with my new RE last week, and the development of our new plan of attack, I made a post on the SAIF board on the Nest, asking some questions about the new injectible meds I'll be taking. Yet another girl out of the kindness of her heart, offered up some encouragement by answering some of my questions, and then offered left over meds that she had.

I cannot even put into words how much I appreciate her generosity and her kindness. My husband and I were sorta prepared in knowing our next step was going to be injectible meds, and we knew that meant quite a chunk of money too. We know that we may only be able to do one or two cycles of injectible meds due to the cost. So you can imagine how much these donated meds means to me. Its a major load off my chest, and has saved me close to $500 that would have been all Out of Pocket as my insurance doesn't cover injectible meds for IF.

So, "teeveegirl" if you happen to see this, please know I will be forever grateful for your kindness and generosity. I wish you a very H&H 9 months with your little ones. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Know I am doing my best to pay it forward as others have done for me. (I won't get into the ways I am doing so right now, as I'm trying to keep it under wraps right now, but will post about it at a later time (when the project is completed and the intended receiver has gotten the finished product).

One other thing I am taking away from my experiences these past couple weeks, is reminding myself throughout each day to be kinder, to be more giving and to be more patient and understanding. What goes around comes around..............

Great Appointment!! So encouraged!!

so I went to my first appointment with my new Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday. I LOOOOOVE Dr. Z!!! He is as his picture appears to be on his website ( http://www.thefertilityexperts.com/page.cfm_id=5.html ), he is very calming, and made me feel very comfortable as we sat and talked. He is kind, yet AGGRESSIVE and that is what I feel I need at this point! (I mean lets face it folks, I'm not getting any younger and 36 is right around the corner (next month!!!) Anyhow, we talked about how I've been at this process a while now, and yes I did get PG, but lost it. We discussed the fact that I've taken quite a few doses of Clomid in the past 23 cycles, and that I feel that it is not working very well for me anymore. Each month since the M/C it seems to hinder Follicle development (or rather slooooows it) and it makes me wonder about egg quality once we finally get to trigger late in each cycle. Dr. Z seems to agree with me on that matter, and also asked me if my old RE ever mentioned the fact that my lining was showing some thinning on U/S, which they DID NOT EVER MENTION!!! Dr. Z feels that the possibility of a thinner lining could hinder getting PG and can also cause one to M/C......
He told me we could technically try clomid a couple more cycles since after actually getting PG, you can re-start your clomid cycles again with some efficacy (however I don't think thats my case).

So, after talking more, we decided that its time to get more aggressive and not waste anymore time. We talked about moving onto injectibles. I did inquire about the possibility of getting in on some kind of study (due to the fact that my insurance won't pay a dime for any IF meds). He unfortunately told me that if I were 34 he had a study I could get in on, but since I'm 35, almost 36, that the study option wasn't there. (crap crap crap).

Dr. Z. also did let me know that with moving to injectibles, our chances of twins will increase to 25%, and multiples beyond twins is 8% I believe. Craig and I talked about this possibility and we are okay with that. (its a scary thought, but I don't know that I can go through this IF journey more than once (mentally or financially for that matter). I figure if God feels we should have tiwns, then that is what we will be blessed with, and will handle whatever we are dealt.

So we have a new aggressive plan. I will do Bravelle injections starting with cd 3 and then will go for an u/s and labs on cd 8, and see what we have for follie development. Yay for progress and moving forward, boooooo for the cost of meds........ for a 10 day supply, we are talking $600 -$700!!!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so positive about moving foward with this (and so does Craig). I will be saying many many prayers in the coming weeks that we will get lucky on our first month with these meds, as I don't know how many months we can actually afford to do it. I guess where there's a will there's a way.

For now, I feel extreemly encouraged and hopeful. I'm not thrilled about daily injections in my stomach but I am willing to do what it takes to get us there. Hopefully Craig feels the same way. As always, he supports my decision, and I know he wants this as bad as I do, and I believe together we'll have enough faith and hope to get us through this!! He and I are a bit different with our coping skills. I tend to attack things head on, he tends to keep it a little more to himself, but as in the past, we tend to balance each other out pretty darn well.

So, thats our new game plan, and I just know we are finally going to get back on the right track. Switching Doctors was THE BEST thing I could ever have done for my mental sanity and well being. I feel great about a fresh outlook from a new Doctor.

The most encouraging thing the Dr. said to me right before I left was "Look, your a healthy woman, your PCOS is being managed very very well with the Metformin, your husband has no problems, YOU ARE A VERY EASY PERSON TO GET PREGNANT!!! Music to my ears!!!

YAY!!!!!

Flashback Triggers.......

So my mind has been racing today, as I had plenty of time to mull things over and over and over on my 45 minute drive to my old RE to pick up my records, and then again on my 45 min drive back home. I didn't do myself any favors by reading my records in the car after I picked them up, because my struggle then just ran through my head over and over. Its amazing how when you are dealing with IF, it honest and truly consumes your entire life. It is a constant in my mind.

So, if my miscarriage and IF struggles weren't already weighing on my mind today, I went into the grocery store to get Craig a sub for his dinner. As I stood there waiting, my mind wandered. It wandered to the day after I found out we had no heartbeat when we went for our U/S and we were in the same store, grabbing a few things at the deli, while I was in limbo waiting to see if I'd m/c on my own. Well, I did, and it started right there in the grocery store. Craig was waiting to order, and I felt a gush and had to go running to the bathroom, and then and there my m/c started. I went running out to the car and sat on plastic grocery bags as I was worried about ruing the leather seats in our car. Its amazing how doing nothing (aka waiting in line to order a sub) triggered me back to the day I started m/c'ing and sent me through all the emotions of that day. I don't think I'll ever forget that day and I hope I don't ever have "that" day ever again!!!

So on a more positive note, my new RE appointment is tomorrow morning at 10am. I'm about to make a list of questions to ask my new RE and I'm very very hopeful for a step in the right direction. My new RE participates in alot of studies (inc. drug studies) so I'm praying this will be our saving grace treatment-wise (I have no med coverage except for my Metformin) so I hope and pray there will some help for us. I'm not getting any younger thats for sure--- I'll be 36 in May!!! Shit!!!

So I guess thats all, I'll update tomorrow after my appointment. Wish me Luck!!!!

Off Topic.....

Well, I usually keep this blog geared towards my TTTC woes, but since I'm kinda sorta in limbo this cycle (we are trying on our own) I don't have much to talk about! I do have my appointment on Weds with my new RE. I'm excited to meet him and hopefully walk out of there with a new plan of attack!!

So in the meantime, I'm keeping myself very busy around the house!! Friday I went to Home Depot, and picked out new paint for our bedroom! Saturday, as soon as Craig headed out the door for work, I got crackin' on cleaning out our bedroom and got started painting! I somehow managed to finish all of the painting except the trim by early evening ! It looks sooooo pretty!! 3 of the walls are a warm sage green, called "Olivine" by Behr, and one accent wall is a deep chocolate brown, called "Revival Mahagoney". I looooove it!!!! I actually bought new bedding for our bed about TEN MONTHS AGO, and refused to put it on the bed until we got the room painted. So I put it all out last night and it looks fabulous!!

So today's project (Sunday) was to go shopping to get supplies to make a fabric covered headboard! So I went to Home Depot, and got the plywood I needed, and they cut it to my specs, so yay-- I don't have to get the jigsaw out!!! Then I went to JoAnn's and found very pretty fabric to cover the headboard and I planned my shopping well, as all the home decor fabric was 50% off this week so I got a great deal on that as well!! I intended to get cracking on that this afternoon, but now that I've sat still for five minutes to catch my breath, I'm thinking it may wait a day or two before I get started on it.

So thats about all thats happening around here. I'll be sure to post more after my appt with my new RE, Dr. Z on Weds.

Off We Go!!

Well.......
Progress!! I called the new RE's office first thing this morning, and I'm super excited, they can get me in next week!!! I was a bit nervous as I've heard alot of girls having to wait 5-6 weeks to get in to see a new RE. They could have seen me on Monday but I have to work so we went with my next day off!! I then immediately called my old RE's office, and faxed them a request for all my records so I can have those to bring to my newRE. When I started my search on Friday and came across the new RE, I read his background, and looked at his picture, he looks like a caring, gentle soul. So I hope my first impression of him is right. After all the bullshit and being made to feel like my care was 2nd rate because I wasn't spending $15K at their office, I could really use a new Doctor who doesn't make me feel like that!! So keep your fingers crossed for me that this will be a great move in the right direction!!

On a seperate note, a wonderful girl from the TTTC board showed me today how truly kind and caring some people can be......that there are generous people out there, who are willing to give and really get nothing out of it. She generously offered to help me out with something, and I'm sure has had to go out of her way in her day to help out someone (me) that she has never even met before.......... I hope she knows what a wonderful person she is for being so kind. I am a firm believer in Karma, and I'm sure that her good deed towards me will come back around and bless her with the good fortune that she deserves. So, KittyLove, a great big thank you to you for your kindness!!!

okay-- I better wrap this up and walk the dogs and head to bed, as I have to be at work at 5 am tomorrow! Blech!!!

Ohh-- one other thing, I was feeling crafty tonight, and made a couple new pieces of jewelry!! I made a wish necklace. It has a pendant that says "hope" another that says "faith" and a little turtle inbetween them for fertility. I also added a few Rose Quartz stones on there as well. I also made a neat bracelet as well. Its called a "karma bracelet". its kinda hard to explain, but its a solid round silver circle with strands of hemp making up the bracelet, and the silver circle represents and acts as a reminder that Karma always comes full circle, and to remind yourself to have patience and always act with kindness towards others.

Okay--now I'm really going, the dogs are giving me the Hairy Eyeball because they want to go out and go to bed!!

IT'S TIME...I'm done with the crap!!

So, yesterday guess who came to visit? AF, that ugly wench showed her face once again. Was I really surprised?.............not really. As I said in another post, I wasn't totally sold on this cycle being "the one". Was I bummed out? TOTALLY. Did I shed a few tears? YOU BET. Then I manned up decided not to let this get me down and marched to the phone to call my RE's office to schedule my CD 3 baseline U/S.

Guess who I got on the phone again? The ASSHOLE U/S girl at my Dr.'s office. The same one I've been blogging about in previous posts. The one who is a bitch who says inappropriate things. The one who has pushed me to beyond the point of pissed off. I calmly tell her that I got AF and that I need to schedule my U/S for Sunday, CD3. She says, "sorry, but we absolutely do not do baselines on the weekends. You'll have to wait until Monday". Knowing I was going to get stuck talking to her, and this would once again be her programmed response, I calmly explained to her that anytime I have started Clomid later than CD3, I did not Ovulate that cycle, so I needed to start it on CD3. She again snottily replies "well-- it doesn't matter what day you start your clomid-- day 3, 4 or 5-- it will work." Now I'm getting pissed----- and startin' to get huffy, as if there is one thing I cannot stand is for someone to assume I don't know what I am talking about or that I don't "get it". (I think I know my body better than anyone else at this point in our IF journey and furthermore I've worked in the medical field all of my adult life-- like 17 years worth). So I say to the dumbass "Did you just hear what I said, you do understand English right?" to which she replies, "yes-- I heard you" to which I replied, "then don't tell me it doesn't make a difference!!!!" Finally she becomes willing to ask my Doctor and will call me back. By this point, I'm nearly shaking because I'm so fed up with this bitch and for that matter, my RE's entire office. She calls me back like 10 mins later, and says "I asked Dr. Tarantino and he's says it doesn't matter either what day you start your clomid--so we'll schedule you for Monday, CD4". So if I was pissed earlier, now I was quickly becoming livid. So I reply " I don't seem to understand why it is I've been getting such a rough time from you and the office scheduling U/S's the past few months. I can't come Monday, I have to work, just like you, and I can't loose my job." she continues to dance around it, and says "then come Tuesday etc. We do not do baselines on the weekend---Dr.'s rules!" I again remind her about the need to start Clomid on Day 3, and she completely will not budge....... finally I got so pissed off, that I said "YOU are un-freakin-believable!!!!!!!!!!!! " and slammed the phone down in her ear!!!!!!!! Then.............. I sobbed. Heartbroken, defeated, angry sobs. For 30 mins. I was in the process of making homemade sauce and meatballs, and I'm pretty sure I shed a tear or two in my meatballs. Then I became Angry.The tears stopped and instantly went into Fighter mode. I grabbed my laptop and frantically began searching for ways to obtain Clomid on the internet. If I could have possibly found a site that would have been able to get it to me by Sunday, I would have bought it, sparing no expense. The soonest I could get it was 7-10 days. Shot that idea down. Thats how desperate I was, I was going to try to get Clomid from Canada......or wherever.........

Then my anger turned to dertermination. I began my search for a new RE. I found one. He looks to be a kind soul. He takes my insurance (for what its worth diagnosis-wise). It appears as though they participate in alot of studies as well, which I am very hopeful for as my insurance will not pay for meds at all, nor will it pay for a single IUI etc. I will be calling first thing Monday to see how soon I can get an appointment. As much as I see this as a step in the right direction, it does bum me out that we will loose out on yet another cycle, and that totally bites, but I guess its time to do what is right. Craig and I talked this out (he actually wanted me to find a new RE after I had a m/c (due to the fact that my PCP, my GYN AND my RE all knew I was on Atenolol for Mitral Valve Prolapse-- it is a Category D med and can be harmful to women who are PG or are trying to become PG-- it can cause slow fetal development and slowed HR in fetus' as well---NO ONE TOOK ME OFF THE DRUGS THE ENTIRE TIME WE'VE BEEN TTC, NOR AFTER I GOT MY BFP. Did it cause our M/C, I believe so, although my RE says it had nothing to do with it) I didn't want to leave my current RE and have to start all over and figured I needed him to get PG again. (I should have listened to my heart, and called a lawyer). So we both really feel this is the right move to find a new RE. I am going to dedicate these next few coming weeks to focus on my diet, my renewed faith in God and keeping a positive attitude. Wish me Luck!!!!