Good Bye 2008!!

Well, this will be my last post of 2008 here and I'm gladly sending 2008 off with a swift kick and no love lost.

2008 has really been a pretty sucky rotten year. I don't need to go over all of why it sucked so bad, you could easily read through my blog for the past 11 months and see for yourself just how sucky it has been.

I have some goals for 2009.

I'm vowing to enter into 2009 with renewed hope and faith that this IS the year we WILL be blessed with a Healthy and Lasting Pregnancy.

Until we get our BFP, I will be in the gym working my butt off (hopefully it will really shrink lol) and I will be doing my best to get my body healthy and my mind and heart healed and in a better place.

I also will strive to not let IF beat me. (it kicked my ass pretty bad in 2008 and brought me so far down I couldn't see a way out). I will also not let IF hurt my relationship with C. When its all said and done, we will still always have each other to lean on for love and support.

I don't really have much else to say about 2008 besides it sucked.

To 2009, I can only hope and pray that you will show C. and I some kindness and compassion, and help us through our IF journey, and bless us with what we have been hoping and praying for for such a long time. I also pray that you will bless the women on the TTTC board who also have endured more than anyone should in our common goal to become mothers.

To all who read my blog, I wish each of you a Happy and Healthy 2009 and may all your dreams and wishes come true.

God Bless !

Made it Through The Day.....

Well...
its Christmas Day... (well its almost over actually). C. and I spent a nice Christmas Day together today. We both slept in a little (well only til 8:45 am, but that is sleeping late for me. We got up, walked the dogs and then opened Christmas gifts. I told myself that I was going to do my best not to cry today. (every Christmas past, I usually have a crying session because I really miss my dad and more recently missing our little Baby G. that is in heaven.) Well, I was doing well on my non-crying mission, until I opened my "biggie" gift from C. He got me a new wedding band !! (My original wedding band (the one that was blessed by the priest when we got married) has diamonds in it, and working in healthcare, I'm constantly using hand sanitizer that is loaded with alcohol and it has started to make the gold get a little funky, so I stopped wearing it so it wouldn't get ruined. My new wedding band is plain and simple, and I adore it. This of course, brings me to the "tears" part. After I opened it, C. said, did you look inside? Its engraved. Inside is engraved with a sweet saying that C. has always put in every card he has ever given me. So of course, I read it, and burst into tears, which of course then made C. start crying because I was crying. C. also got me a beautiful new necklace that has a pendant on it. One side has a beautiful cross, and on the other it says "Faith". It too is lovely and I adore it. I am spoiled by C. and I hope he is as happy with his gifts as I am with mine.

I got a grip after that bout, and was doing dishes in the kitchen and it really started to sink in that 2008 should have been our childs' first Christmas-- our baby should be 5 months old right now and not too far from crawling. Instead we sit with empty arms and aching hearts. So then while cleaning off my desk, I found a little teddy bear ornament I had bought a few days ago for our Christmas tree. (I wanted to do it last year, but couldn't bring myself to do it, as the pain was simply to raw as I had just m/c'd a few weeks before). So, I wrote a special message on the teddy bear ornament and then shared it with C. before hanging it on the tree. It says: "In our Lives for only a short while, but in our Hearts forever" and on the back, it says "Baby G." and "2007" for when baby G was conceived.) I showed it to C. and I started to cry ....AGAIN.... and then he started to cry as well, knowing what this little teddy bear ornament represents. We hugged it out, and finally got a grip, and then came into the living room and picked a special spot on our tree to hand the ornament.

The rest of the morning was quiet, and then in the afternoon, my mom and her bf came for dinner. Nice and low key and enjoyable. So, all in all it was an enjoyable day aside from the few emotional jags we had earlier in the day.

I'm anxious to leave 2008 behind as it was a pretty rough year in many many ways, and I'm hoping and praying that 2009 is going to be a much better one!

To anyone that reads this, I hope and pray that you have/had a very Merry Christmas and I wish each of you the best for a Great 2009!

What is This About?

Well, we are knee deep into the 2 WW here. As I said in my previous post, we did a medicated cycle with TI. We triggered Sunday night and got to work. Was our timing perfect? Don't think it was as optimal as we'd hoped, but we sure did try. (of course, we found ourselves smack back in the middle of all the stress and struggles that come with TI....... the stress is ridiculous!!!!)

So to the point of the title of the blog.....What is This?? I was working today and ran to the ladies room and had a swipe of brownish spotting. Of course my mind started realing, like WTF?? Of course, every time you see spotting like that, no matter what point you are at in your cycle, you start to freak out thinking AF is on the way at any moment. Throughout the day, I did have a couple more swipes with a light pink tinge to them?!!

Now those of us who are beyond infatuated with every single twinge and sign and symptom, think-- Spotting...... I wonder if it is Implantation? I am extreemly hopeful that is what this freak spotting is...... am I doubtful? Of course I am..... I've been down this road way too many times to not be doubtful. I instantly go with the thought that its just my messed up body doing whatever it wants to do yet again (and messing with my emotions as well). My mind keeps saying that it is too early for implantation.... I am 6 DPO ..... maybe.......maybe not!? I guess we'll know in another week. I guess I'll test on the 21st or 22nd (13 or 14 dpo) and we'll go from there (unless the wicked AF shows her ugly ass before then).

So, that is todays' madness and obsession. Stay tuned for more obsessing coming up!

Made it Through My Meltdown

Alright, I feel after re-reading my last post, I need to update all that a week later and I am much much better. I guess I just needed to get past that last milestone of sad reminders of what we lost. I made it........ I survived.

Thanksgiving morning, while in my kitchen by myself, getting our turkey ready for the oven, I stood and cried and then cried some more. I got the turkey in, and leashed up my dogs and decided to go for a nice long early morning walk with the pups. There is a really pretty pond down across the street from where we live, and it was so quiet and peaceful, no one was out and about, so my dogs and I enjoyed a nice long walk. One of those nice ones, where they are more than content doing their "doggie" things and you get just get lost in your own thoughts.

I sat on a bench and pondered some thoughts that had been running through my head, and worked through what was making my heart ache. About 45 mins later we headed back home and I felt much much better about things.

C. and I also had a talk, and have decided it was time to get back in the game. I think a huge part of all my doom and gloom has been magnified by the fact that we have been on a break. Don't get me wrong, we BOTH very much needed the break we took. Our hearts were heavy and our emotions were drained. Had we continued on, I don't know that either of us would have ended up in a very good place. So we made the right choice back in July to take a break, and now I believe in my heart that we are once again making the right choice by jumping back in.

We are doing a medicated cycle (Injectibles) however we will be doing TI this month. I just cannot justify doing an OOP IUI cycle with it being December and shelling out the extra money. We had previously talked with both our sides of the family, and with friends that we always exchange gifts with, and we all agreed to cut way back this year on spending (and agreed to not do gifts with some friends at all this year), however I know my immediate family doesn't really do well with "cutting back"--at the time we all think we are cutting back, but then when we sit with piles of gifts in front of us, we again swear that we all did way too much and will have to do better cutting back next year. So I don't feel "okay" with spending $$ on and IUI until after the new year.

I hope and pray we won't have to get to that point. The month we did get PG was a clomid cycle and TI, so we know it has happened in the past, so why not again right?

I don't really know how much I'll blog about this cycle, as sometimes it tends to fuel my madness and obsessing.........we'll see. Maybe not broadcasting every last intimate detail of whats going on with me might do the trick and help us get to our goal....... (that and the fact that I always seem to jinx myself by talking about stuff I should just keep to myself, but in excitement and hopefulness end up sharing with others.)

Anyhow-- that is what is new with me, this week, and I pray that my meltdowns will stay at bay, atleast until my 2 WW starts anyways........