Heartbroken and Disappointed.....AGAIN!

So, all the way to Tampa at 8 am this morning, for a follow up U/S after not having well enough developed follicles at Weds U/S. So this mornings U/S showed my largest follie @ 15 mm (it was 13mm on Weds) so it is still growing but very slowly. So the sonographer was like, "well-- you need to decide if you want to continue on with this cycle or not". I asked her was there any point, and would it be worth another U/S next week, plus wasting an injectible if it wasn't going to be a good follie. She was useless, gave me no info to go off of, and looked as if she could give two shits one way or the other. My Dr. wasn't there today, so I couldn't ask his opinion on the matter, so I ended up scheduling another U/S for Tuesday and I guess I'll put a call out to my Dr. on Monday to get his opinion.

Emotionally, this is just so draining. I consider myself to be a very strong person, who never gives up on things. But its tough to keep getting beat down day after day, week after week, and having to keep digging down deep to pull myself back up.

It seems that each time we are faced with more adversity, things then become tense between Craig and I. He feels he can't say the right thing to me, I feel like he's trying to be supportive but its coming across the wrong way and then I feel like I'm on my own. I know he loves me with all his heart, and I know he'd do anything in the world for me, that is one of the few certainties I know in my life. He is trying to be positive with me but sometimes it comes across that he's telling me I need always have a positive outlook and that when I don't have that positive outlook, its making my body not work right. I wish it were just that simple. I wish that were a simple cure, a simple fix for why I'm not ovulating properly.

Our biggest burden at this point is financial. I have good health insurance, however it only covers the diagnostic part of my infertility....... so they cover the multiple ultrasounds I have been having monthly (I still have a $35 copay each time I go for one --) I'm at 3 already for 16 days in the month of Feb and now possibly a fourth on Tuesday-- so there's $140 plus my clomid and ovidrel trigger that aren't covered by my insurance either..... thats another $70 a month ....... it just shouldn't have to be such a pain in the ass to get PG and have a baby!!!! If we decide to move on to doing an IUI, it will be completely out of pocket, including my U/S's I believe since it will no longer be for "mid-cycle monitoring" so we're easily looking at $800 for one month of trying with an IUI.........how does that just fit into a monthly budget?? It really doesn't!!!! I believe I could benefit from injectible meds, however, there again, they are not covered by my insurance and are no where near affordable in comparrison to say Clomid and Ovidrel.

I just don't know.....my head hurts, my heart aches, and I feel like my spirit is broken. How do I get it back?? How do I get back to "ME".

I don't know......... what I do know is the following:
1. I'm not at the point where I'm ready to give up on the hopes of having a child.....I'm nowhere near giving up
2. I don't want my marriage to suffer. I want my husband to be able to understand what I am going thru and that I'm doing my best to be upbeat and positive, but its not all sunshine and roses, and his strength, support and love are more important and more needed that anything else in the world.
3. I am going to keep fighting the good fight for as long as I can. I'm going to dig deep to continue to have faith in God, which is something I am really struggling with these days.

I do believe that one day we will be parents to a beautiful baby, and I pray it will be sooner than later.