No Confidence AT ALL!!

Okay---
so if you read my earlier posts this cycle, regarding my friggin body not working like its supposed, compliments of my m/c, we finally got the Okay to trigger on Weds night, the 21st-- then we were supposed to do TI Weds night, Thursday night, and Friday night....... so I did my trigger shot on Weds night, (with DH skiddishly watching from a distance-- God help me if we ever have to go to injectibles --which may be our next step). We did some BD'ing Weds night, and then Thursday morning.......... Thursday night rolls around........ can't get it done........ tried twice! So I wake DH up at 4:20 am --YES-- AM-- you read it right-- I figured we could get in a romp before I went to work at 5:30 am--- still can't "get it done" --nothing...... I was in tears at 5:00 am--- screaming at God "Congratulations-- you've finally broke me-- I can't do this anymore!!!" So I sobbed before leaving for work, I left my hubby pissed at himself and at the world for not being able to "finish", and I felt really bad-- as in my own anger and hurt, I said a few not-so-nice things to him. Just another fine example of what a strain IF puts on you.

So in one last desperate attempt, I came home at 8 am on my break from work, to try one more time -- I apologized, we both cried and gave it our best shot (no pun intended) ......pffffffffttttttttttt....... NO LUCK!!!!! Are you kidding me!!! It was so surreal........ I think at that point it had become pschological for him and no matter how hard he tried, it just wasn't going to happen.

We both went off to work, both heartbroken and bummed out completely, destined to have crappy days at work. I didn't call him to check in to see how his day was going, as I already knew it was probably going as shitty as mine........ he called me while I was still at work at like 2:00 pm-- to check in on me........ he confirmed what a shitty day he was having, compounded by the fact that one of the guys who works for him came in to drop something off, with is 5 MONTH OLD BABY GIRL--- the guy forgot something out in his car, and put the baby in my husbands arms and said "here-- hold her for a minute" --- and before my Husband could refuse, the guy was out the door-- my husband told me by the time the guy came back in, he had tears welling up in his eyes--- with the thought of what we would have had come July if I hadn't m/c'd and of course, the mornings troubles. That of course, broke my heart, he was fighting back tears on the phone with me, (I could tell by his voice) and that in turn made me burst out into tears on the phone at work, standing in the middle of a room full of patients....... we quickly got off the phone (because I couldn't even talk with a huge lump in my throat). I left the patient area and got a grip and went back out to work.

Its just not fair. The emotional toll this struggle puts on you as individuals as well as a couple is so overwhelming. Thank God we have a very strong, loving relationship that nothing can break.

So basically, to sum up the title of this blog, I have ZERO confidence in this cycle. I don't even feel like I ovulated this cycle-- should have been Friday morning, (the past months that I triggered, I totally felt it when I was "O"ing-- sharp stabbing pains to confirm it was happening..... this time..........nada--didn't feel a friggin' thing!! So this leads me to wonder, if I had slow Follie development on a cycle with 100 mg Clomid, is it possible that I didn't Ovulate 36 hours after I triggered too? Is my body being that much of a bitch to not work?? I don't get it. I guess I'll call my RE tomorrow to see if I can go for labwork tomorrow to indicate if I actually did "O" or not.......... I guess that will give me the answer.

So based on all those facts, I refuse to even think that this month will amount to a PG...... I just don't see how it possibly could. I mean I guess it could, seeing has how we did get to sucessful romps in within 24 hours of when I "should" have ovulated, and they say that those swimmers can survive a while once up in ya.......so maybe we will be surprised by a miracle. I just can't seem to dig deep enough at this point to believe its a possibility, that way I won't be so let down and distraught if we get bad news in like 10 or 11 days--- I will however still be pissed at the money down the drain on this cycle --4 Ultrasounds (w/ copays of $35 for each visit), Clomid @ $20, Ovidrel and $45 and gas back and forth to all those appointments-- (2 to Clearwater and 2 to Tampa).

Auggggggghhhhh......it just doesn't get any better than this!!! (enter sarcasm here)