It just doesn't get any easier!

So today, while I was outside working like a mad woman on a new landscaping section of our yard, I was happy to have my hands busy on such a beautiful day (about 72 degrees) and to have my mind distracted from everything but where am I going to put each of the flowers I just bought. I had my Ipod on singing away to one of my favorite play lists and then it happened...... I looked down my street and my neighbor from around the corner was taking her little girl for a walk with her mom. The three of them came up the street blissful and enjoying our gorgeous weather. The little girl is maybe 1 1/2 yrs old-- old enough to walk on her own so maybe 2? As they got closer to my yard, I started to get a little panic-y and had to walk into the garage, it was just too hard for me to look at this sweet, cute, innocent little angel of a girl........ Seeing this sweet little miracle walking by made me instantly start to cry. It instantly took me back to my Miscarriage and the fact that if I hadn't m/c'd I'd be a week away from being 20 weeks PG.....half way there.......

Ironically, a song came on my Ipod by Emerson Drive, "I've had my moments", and thats all it took, the flood gates opened and I stood there crying all by myself watching this little girl walk up the street while I listened to my life being sung in a song:

"I've had my moments,

Days in the sun,

Moments, I was second to none,

Moments, when I finally did what I

thought I couldn't do"

Now I know that song is about someone almost committing suicide, and NO I'm not in "that" place.......no where near it. But those words do ring true to my ears....... We waited so long to get PG, many many many agonizing, disappointint months, then to finally get there after I was starting to convince myself that we may not get to become parents.....

My Husband came out to see how the landscaping was going (he was getting ready for work), he could tell I was upset, and I told him what had just happened with the little girl walking up the street. He of course, being the rock in my life, hugged me and simply said "We will get our chance". I don't know what I'd ever do without him and I thank God every day that he is in my life. I thank God that he loves me more than anything, and would do anything for me. I thank God that he loves me and does not resent me not being able to give him a child (yet).

We will get there, like he said, I do believe we will get our chance to parents, and I pray this month (Feb) will be our lucky month. I actually have a really good feeling about it this month, so I'll be praying hard that all this stress and heartache will soon be over and we can have our family.

I don't know what my deal is this cycle. I finished my Clomid mid week last week, and it usually makes me emotional, but like ANGRY and Easily Annoyed emotional (my first few days on it this cycle were like that), but ever since, I'm crying at everything....... songs, things people say, I even broke down and cried on the phone with my RE's office after they switched the office I have to go to for my CD15 U/S, (which is a huge inconvenience for me with work this coming week). Auuuugggghhhhh.............. I don't know........ I just want this IF struggle to be over.

Okay-- I'm off to put my hands back into the soil and get in touch with the earth again, hopefully today will not include any more emotional breakdowns, (as it is I just cried writing this blog).