Starting Over

Well, I'm restarting my blog. I had another one and when I "cleaned" up my computer yesterday, I deleted the link to it from my fav's and now I cannot remember what email I used and get back to it!

Oh well, sometimes new starts are good right??

This blog is about my Infertility. I'll put it right out there, no point in hiding behind it.

Anyone who has dealt with IF knows what a rotten bitch it is. It not only takes a toll on your body physically, but I almost think the mental and emotional tolls it takes is way worse. I have whats called PCOS with IR (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome with Insulin Resistance). Which means instead of my body producing and egg and then ovulating every month like it should, the eggs that are supposed to release don't and become cysts on my ovaries. I was officially diagnosed with PCOS two years ago, and stayed under the care of my GYN and after 5 unmonitored cycles of Clomid (my GYN gave a Rx with 5 refills and told me to come back when I was PG----Yeah-- if it were only that friggin' easy). I finally got refered to a specialist last year , actually a year ago this month (Feb). My RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) got my PCOS symptoms under control, did alot of testing, (inc. an SA for my Husband) and finally this past fall we started to use Clomid (to help me ovulate) and I was closely monitored atleast 2-3 times a month each month with Internal U/S to make sure I didn't have any cysts, and that each month my follicle development was where it should be and then I'd give myself an injection in the stomach of whats called Ovidrel, which ensures that I will Ovulate.

Finally in November of 2007 we felt truly blessed when we found out we were finally Pregnant!!! We had 3 1/2 weeks of Pregnant bliss, where we told family and very close friends our good news, we scoured the internet picking out our top picks for baby bedding if it was a boy or a girl, we even visited baby names websites picking out our favorites. We excitedly drove to my RE's office for my 1st U/S appointment, and as we both sat in the lobby, we couldn't wait to heard our baby's heartbeat ..........

Sadly, that is a sound we never got to hear. As they did the U/S my Dr. began to tell me that the baby had stopped growing and it was no longer a viable pregnancy. He continued to talk, but I never heard another word he said over my sobs and begging God to not let this be happening. However, no matter how much I begged God, we still M/C'd. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. (right up there with my dad passing away when I was 22 years old (my dad was only 48 years old)).

Physically the Miscarriage was aweful. Two days of awefulness. Mentally, I think even two months later I'm dealing with trying to recover from this loss. I never knew something so tiny that was only with us a month, could hurt my soul and spirit so badly when it was quickly taken away. My heart still aches from our loss and I think I will always have a very special little place in my heart for my angel that is now in heaven. I pray each night that our angel is safe and content and peaceful up in Heaven with my dad.

Back when I lost my dad 14 years ago, I was very hurt and angry....... And I questioned God. I know we are not supposed to question God, but with such a huge loss, how could I not question His reasons for taking my dad away from us. It took me a solid couple of years to begin to again have faith in God again.

When we miscarried, I again began to question God. I hate that I've felt this way twice in my life, yet I don't understand why I keep suffering losses. Yeah-- I get the whole "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" crap......... do I agree with it? sometimes........ do I think its fair that so many people in this world have had to suffer over so much loss and hurt......no way.

So this month we are back in the game after a forced 2 month break by my RE. I'm back on Clomid, and will go on Feb 13th for another u/s and most likely do my Ovidrel trigger shot that night and then hope and pray that we find out we'll be having a baby on the way come November............ in the meantime I'll continue to drive myself crazy with proper timing, and then after that, the ridiculous over analyzation of every single symptom that I have will keep me occupied for the next two weeks (in what we call the 2 week wait).

So I guess thats all for now.