THIRTY FRIGGIN' SIX!!! I'm OLD!!

Well, today is my 36th Birthday!!!
Crazy right? I think so!!! Where have the years gone??
Everytime I say how old I am today, I am reminded of an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie is celebrating her birthday out with friends who all arrive really late, and she is sitting alone at a table and a drunk girl behind her says "Twenty Five...... Fu_K, I'm old!!!!" Oh to be 25 again. I honestly don't think I'd want to go back to 25, not even knowing what I know now. 25 was a pretty rough time for me (honestly 22-27 was pretty rough, on and off) and don't care to relive most of it. Troubled relationships, loosing my dad when I was 22 (he was only 48 when he died), struggling to find myself, a teeny tiny bout of depression, some rowdy days, some sultry nights, and then finally, thankfully meeting the man I would some day marry at age 27........ finally at that point my life started to turn around .......for the better!!

Anyhow, back to present day and the real world!

I worked 1/2 day today, and am now sitting at home bored waiting for Craig to get home from work so I can open some presents and then head over to my moms for dinner, homemade banana cake and presents!

The past couple days have been pretty rough around here, and I'm not really going to get into it for personal reasons at this time, (and I have a few people who read this that don't need to know certain things about whats goin' on). But, today things feel a little better and today I feel as though a ray of light is shining down on my soul. It feels warm and nice and comforting. I like how it feels.

Two days ago, I was crying about 100 different things (again, thanks Injectible meds for making me an emotional wreck, among other things too). I swore I didn't even want to celebrate my Birthday. Each time someone asked me what I wanted for my Birthday, there has only been one answer I can think of........ I want a baby!! Nothing else matters, and silly little material things are just trivial and don't really matter two shits.

Its funny, last week, my mom asked me for the Birthday ideas list, and my reply to her was the same, "all I want is a baby". My mom who is a wonder at keeping things light but letting you know she cares as the same time, said to me "sorry sweetie, mine are all dried up and long gone" and then gave me a hug and told me she is praying every single day that we will get PG again soon. Every once in a while I have these fleeing thoughts that sometimes I feel like I want to get PG just as much for my mom as I do for Craig and I. I know that might sound silly, but its true. I so want to be able to make my mother a grandmother. The day we told her we were PG (back in Nov. before our M/C) she was thrilled to tears and within a 1/2 hour of getting the news, was comtemplating what she wanted to be called (she was running through the gammet of what Italian grandmothers are often called trying to pick her favorite (I think she'd narrowed it down to either meemee or nan). I pray one day soon, she will get to make her decision and be able to share all the love and wisdom she has to offer to so many to my child (her grandchild).

Anyhow, last night was a much much better night that the two previous, Thank GOD!! and it felt really good to just talk to Craig last night. We talked about hopes and dreams, our fears, our faith, and believing in each other and our marriage. We laughed a little, we cried some, and by the end of the night, I again was reminded that I am right where I am supposed to be, and that is with Craig. Together forever til the end........