Well..... the BITCH is here!!!

For today's random picture........ My furbaby Jazzmine. She is my heart, and I love her so much.

I adopted her from SPCA when she was 5 weeks old (I couldn't bring her home until 6 weeks), and she has owned my heart ever since. She and I go back further than Craig and I do. If ever a dog were capable of understanding, its her. She is so much like me, its eerie. She has power struggles with Craig, and is sure to let him know on a daily basis that I am her boss (I hate the word master), and that she thinks SHE is 2nd in charge around here. I love her with all my heart and I make sure she (and my other furbaby Harley) get no less than 20 hugs and kisses each day!! (come on now, you know you hug and kiss your dog too..........)

Okay, so on to reality......

So much for hope and positive thinking!!! Yesterday @ 13 dpo the first signs of AF started showing her ugly ass, and now @ 14 dpo, the bitch has officially arrived. (and yes I confirmed not once but twice with TWO slap-in-the-face BFN's!!!!!!!)

I knew better then to really have much hope this cycle since our timing was on the shitty side, but for some reason I just couldn't help but continue to hold onto a wee bit of hope. I'm such a dumb ass. Everything else in this world I am an extreme realist about, I never get my hopes up, and rarely have high expectations about anything for fear of let downs or disappointments...... but this one thing in my life, INFERTILITY, I continue to have hope about month after month, as I dust myself off and pick myself back up of the floor, and gear up for yet another round.

It just gets harder and harder each month to keep going. Last night, I had a breakdown. Craig and I were getting ready to go to bed, and right in the kitchen doorway, I told him AF was on her way, another month and cycle down the crapper. Then I started to bawl. I told him I feel like I want to give up, like maybe he's right, that we just aren't meant to have a child. That I'm sick and tired of every extra dime we have I feel like I can't spend, and that every penny has to be pinched as we may need it for more meds, or tx's etc. Its just exhausting. Craig apolgized to me, like its his fault that this cycle didn't work.......... its not his fault, and I don't want him to feel burdened that it is. We are in this together and what is my problem is his, and vice versa. There is nowhere to lay blame except for in my stickin' ass body that doesn't want to work right!!!

So with that said, June's cycle looks like we're headed to IUI (and will hopefully do a frozen sample as backup just in case ahead of time) as the whole added pressure of on demand is not working out too well. So I'll be making phone calls to my RE on Monday and start the ball rolling.............AGAIN!!!

I guess thats about all for now. I'm having a hard time keeping my thoughts straight as we have someone pressure washing our driveway and gutters (for the last two hours) and all I hear is a motor running non-stop!!!! Ahhhh!!!! Good thing I'm heading out the door to a family dinner/birthday party soon!!!

So, stay tuned for the ongoing adventures of the Great Infertile One (aka me!!!!)