Hmmmmmmmm............

Well its been a few days since my last entry, and I feel like I should be posting more, but there isn't much going on to post about!

As I wrote about in my last blog, we went on vacation. It was phenominal!!! We both came home well rested, and appreciate the fact that we renewed our closeness that often slips away with the craziness of everyday life.

On other fronts, I guess I'm 7dpo today, and have been having some twingy cramps the past few days, I pray it has something to do with implantation and not AF on its way. I was going to run to the dollar store yesterday to pick up some cheapie POAS's, but then I changed my mind. I was going to get them to test out the Trigger shot, (and of course to have some when I get closer to 12 or 13 dpo). It seems everytime I POAS close to 13dpo, I swear I go to the bathroom a half hour later, and AF has arrived. Its like I jinx myself simply by buying tests........... so I'm going to hold out on buying them as long as I can.

As far as my faith goes, I really feel going to that Mission of Nombre de dios in St. Augustine last week, especially the chapel on the grounds, did my soul some good. I think my question was answered while I sat there. I sat in the pew, and asked God "if he felt I had lost my faith in Him", and this feeling of calm came over me, and I knew it was the perfect time to pray, to ask for this to be our month, the perfect time to ask for improved health for my aunt....... I cried from deep down inside while I sat there. At first I felt kinda silly for doing so, but then I had a "lightbulb moment" and it suddenly didn't seem so silly. Due to how moved I was sitting there, it told me that I haven't lost my faith, I'm just struggling a bit to keep a firm grasp on it. I do believe that God will continue to guide Craig and I through this journey.

It feels good to feel as though I am starting to regain my faith. Now, regardless of the results we get next week, I know there will be hope for beyond this cycle.

Well, its been a few days since I posted. My husband and I are on a little getaway-- A MUCH needed and Well Deserved mini-vacation. We headed to the East Coast of FL to St. Augustine Beach. Our hotel is great, right on the ocean. The picture above is from this morning's sunrise. Walking on the beach and watching the sunrise is so soothing to the soul. I honestly can't think of a better way to start your day. Waves crashing in, the sun peaking through the horizon, pelicans coasting just above breaking waves, it just doesn't get any better.

This getaway has been exactly what Craig and I needed. Life just seems to get in the way of everything thats important (when I say important, I mean appreciating the one you love, getting back in touch with who you are as a couple). The minute we arrived on Easter Sunday, all my stresses and worries just seemed to melt away. This past weekend was our "fertile" window, and while we had a few issues again this month, I am and will try to remain hopeful. Once we got here, our "issues" went away. That just goes to show how much stress affects you.

We've done a ton of really fun things while we've been here. St. Augustine Lighthouse, which I climbed to the top of (Craig went about 1/3 of the way, and decided that was enough for him). i decided I wanted to complete the 219 spiral staircase climb. It was beautiful once I was up there, but can I just say-- it was horribly freezing!!!!!!! Of course, then you have to come back down.......ANOTHER 219 steps....ugh!!!! We went to Castillo de San Marcos, the Mission of Nombre de Dios, which was extreemly spiritual and moving for me. There was a little chapel on the grounds that dates to the 1600's, where you could light a candle and there were pews where you could sit and pray. If you've been reading any of my blog, you'll know I've been talking about struggling with my Faith for a while now. I walked into that chapel and was instantly moved......moved to tears. I sat and prayed. I prayed for alot of things and alot of people. I prayed for Craig and I to finally be blessed this month with a lasting PG, I prayed for healing for my aunt who has been ailing with several forms of Cancer and keeps on fighting. I prayed for God to help guide me back to finding my faith ....the faith I've lost along the way. My husband was with me, he knew how moved I was, and somehow knew not to say anything or ask any questions, he simply sat quietly next to me. Sometimes its the littlest things that simply speak volumes. After we left there, we headed to the Fountain of Youth, where of course, we couldn't leave without drinking from the Fountain of Youth. We weren't completely sold on drinking from it, but figured we'd regret it if we passed on the opportunity. So, we sipped.... and I have only four words to describe that water--- ROTTEN EGG ASS WATER. Blech!!! But, we did it!

The weather hasn't been the warmest, however we've kept on truckin' and enjoyed alot of sights and learned some history while we've been here.

The picture at the top of my blog was taken this morning out on the beach (did I mention our hotel is right on the beach?). Today, we'll be heading out for some breakfast shortly, and then today will be our Chill Out Day, relaxing on the beach and/or by the pool. We may head back into downtown St. Augustine later today to walk down St. George street to walk through some shops and then have a nice dinner somewhere!

Tomorrow, we'll spend part of the day here, and then we'll begin our journey back to reality.

Upon our return however, we will enjoy the rediscovered love and strength we have in our relationship.

For anyone struggling with IF, if it's in your budget, I highly suggest getting away for a few days. Let your cares and worries go, if only for a couple days. It will do your soul well.

Back from today's Ultasound

Okay-- I'm back from today's U/S. Good news. Encouraging News. Apparently my U/S this past Saturday showed alot of small follies that weren't even measureable yet. Today I have a lead Follicle on my Right Ovary that is at 16 mm and a trailer that is 13 mm on my Left Ovary. So that is very good news. I made a ton of progress from Saturday to today. Yay!!!!

Now the bad news, they want me to come back for ANOTHER U/S on Thursday. Over to Tampa again....... I have to work on Thursday and there is no way I can get out of work or find coverage after getting out early today. No way....... So in my estimation (and the sonographers) they should grow 2 mm a day, so that would put me triggering on Thursday night with a 20 mm lead follie. I'm debating skipping the U/S and just triggering on Thursday night. Part of me thinks "Just go for it and do the trigger" and the other part of me thinks that if I skip the U/S my RE will get pissed at me if he finds out I triggered without my f/u U/S.

As I wrote in my blog yesterday, IF has consumed me. It runs my life. As much as I try not to let it, it does. Its crazy and overwhelming. Something has got to give. I pray once again, that this is OUR month and that we will finally be blessed with a lasting PG.

I don't know anymore........ I'm just burnt out from this whole experience.........

On a happier note, we are leaving for vacation in 5 days-- just a mini-vacation, but we're staying at a hotel right on the beach in North Florida and we cannot wait to get away from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE!!!!! I think it will be great for both of us and bring us closer together (Lord knows IF pulls you apart at times)

Stay tuned to see if I decide to be a naughty girl and do my trigger without a f/u U/S.

I Feel Frantic, maybe even Spastic!

I am developing such overwhelming anxiety this cycle. I went for an U/S on the 15th (Sat) which was CD 12. We decided to check me early as my Clomid was upped this month t0 150 mg. So I went in Saturday, and of course, I wasn't ready yet, nor was I actually expecting to be. On my most perfect cycle (pre M/C) I didn't trigger until CD 15 and "O"d on CD 17 in the morning. So I was okay with Saturdays results, although I got stuck with the U/S tech that I'm just not clicking with. So now I go tomorrow Tuesday for another U/S which will be CD 15. I pray we will get good news, my thinking is I will hopefully be ready to Trigger Weds night and then start BD'ing like crazy!!

Of course, I am scheduled to work tomorrow, and I tried to get three different people to switch days with me at work......NO Such Luck...... so I finally was able to work it out by pushing my 1015am U/S to 2:30pm instead and getting to leave work early. Getting to that point was not shits and giggles though. I had myself so stressed out thru my day, that I could barely choke down my sandwich for lunch, and no matter how hard I kept trying to calm myself down, it was like I just couldn't take a good calming breath..... I was so uptight and thought I was going to just snap at any second. I totally hate feeling that way....... I can't stand to not feel as though I am in control....... Quite honestly, thats how this how IF journey has been...... I am so not in control......... and it sucks ass!!! (Truth be told, I am a CONTROL FREAK!!! Big time.........) So to feel like my own body functions (well reproductively speaking anyways) is so frustrating and I feel helpless.

So there is something else that has been weighing heavy on my mind these past few days. My husband and I got into a tiff the other day, and thru our efforts to calmly talk through what we were feeling, my husband reveiled to me that he feels I have "issues with God". And, he is absolutely right. And I told him so. Then I told him the reasons I do. I was raised Catholic, but even at a young age, I always felt like I had strong beliefs in God, but felt as though I didn't need a "middle man" if you will, meaning church. I've always felt that I could have just as good a relationship with God one on one, and bypass the church. And that always seemed to work pretty well for me. Then I hit the ripe old age of 22, when my dad died pretty suddenly-- he was only 48 years old. It was then that I began to question God. I know we're not supposed to, but how could I not? My dad was taken away from me and my family, when he still had so much living to do. He never got to see either of his kids get married, give his daughter away on her wedding day, never got to experience grandchildren......... so I questioned God as to why he would take him, and leave so many others. In my work, I'd seen so many people who were in their 80's and 90's, who had a good life, still hanging in there. So there was my first issue with God. It took me many many years to soul search, and restore my faith in God.

When we started to get more into our IF journey, I really began to have alot of faith in God. I spent alot of time praying, and trying to work thru my stress through him and it worked. And I got Pregnant........ My husband and I thanked God every single day, (me countless times throughout each day) for finally blessing us with such a miracle. Then, just as quickly as it was given to us, it seems it was taken away.

My most heartbreaking moment of finding out we were miscarrying, was while I was laying on the exam table having my 1st U/S. My husband and I went to that Dr.'s appointment expecting to hear a heartbeat...... instead we heard, "I'm sorry, but this is not good news". I literally heard NOTHING after that point. I lay there sobbing, begging God to not let it be so....... over and over and over. He didn't hear my prayers, my sobs, my begging. In the days and weeks that passed after that, I once again, began to question God. I still do to a certain extent. But I am trying. I'm trying to dig down very deep and once again, find faith in God. But I am struggling, and I haven't really found a way to completely get it back. I feel as though my doubts are extreemly justified, but are they warrented?? If I don't find a way to restore my faith, will it affect my chances of getting Pg? I'm at the point in this struggle that I'm just not sure anymore. Do I believe that God actually has a hand in us conceiving? Yes, I do. "God Giveth, and God Taketh Away" right?

I just don't know. Everything I've written about in this post, are the things that run through my head constantly. I can't shut it off. These things are on my mind each night while I try to all asleep, and they are what I think about as soon as I wake up. Just like Infertility, it consumes me.

I just don't know...........................

New Cycle, New Start, New Outlook!

So, just a suspected, last month was a TOTAL BUST!! Blah blah blah. I didn't cry, I wasn't surprised, I wasn't even disappointed as I had totally prepared myself for the fact that my Feb cycle was a total bust. I was right.

So I called my RE's office on CD 1, telling the office that I wanted to talk to my RE before starting meds for March, that I had some questions I wanted answered. I got the run around from the scheduler who answered the phone, and she then puts me on the phone with the Sonographer, the one who was rough and PISSED ME OFF last cycle with her comment and her blatent display of uncaringness.......a blantent "I don't give a shit attitude!". I called the office on Tuesday, and the jerk girl tells me, your Dr. is going to be at the office you will be at for your CD2 U/S, however he's completely booked and doesn't have an opening for you to have a consult. You'd have to wait until CD4 to see him at your normal office. I calmly explain to her, that in the past when I've taken clomid starting day 4 or later, it hasn't worked, and I need to speak with my Dr. She still continues to fight me and tells me to come for the U/S and then I'll have to decide whether I want to continue with the cycle. I again tell her I have questions for my Dr. first, to which she says, "your Dr. won't be at your normal office until Friday, so..................." I finally lost my shit, and said "Look, I have been a patient of his for well over a year, I have questions re: upping my med dose your telling me waste a cycle because no one will talk to my Dr. until Friday. You meant to tell me that NO ONE will even speak with him between now and Friday, and that NO ONE can send a copy of my chart over to the other office where he'll be, for him to review and answer my questions about upping my meds?" I followed it up with, "ya know what, my insurance company pays my Dr. alot of money, as do I with OOP costs, and I certainly expect to be able to get anwers from my DR. when I need them, without having to delay another cycle!!" She finally conceeded and said she'd send my chart to the other office for my Dr.'s Review and that I'd have an answer the next day when I showed up for my U/S.

I went for my U/S the next day, and sure enough, my Dr. agreed with me and wanted to up my meds. I swear, when this is all said and done, I'll be the first one reaming that bitch a new ass for giving me such a hard time.

S0, now that I'm done ranting about that bullshit, we have upped my Clomid to 150 mg CD3-7, and I will go back for an earlier U/S (in the past on 100 mg it has been CD 15 for my U/S) but we will check it sooner, CD 12 or 13 incase the increase in meds makes my follies grow quicker (which hopefully it will,) and hopefully we'll have atleast one nice big fat follie (I'm hoping for like 20 or 21 mm) to trigger with.

So I've decided to be committed to this cycle, and be very optimistic. Somehow I want to find some renewed faith, and strengthen my belief that this will be our cycle. (Incidentally, this would be our last shot for a 2008 baby.......)

On a happier, positive note, DH and I have both been doing the low carb, no white sugar, no white flour thing for about a month now, and we've both lost like 15 pounds. Above that, I realized today that since June of 2007 I am actually down 28 pounds!!! That is soooo exciting and a move in the right direction for sure!

Okay-- will keep this up to date following my next U/S. If you happen to read this, and have a spare prayer to throw my way for a sucessful cycle it would be much appreciated!!