I Need To Let It Go........

so why can't I??

As I was getting ready to go to a job interview earlier today, I was looking for something in my medicine cabinet..... I don't really go in there very often as odd as that sounds, as I don't really keep anything I use frequently up there.

As I looked up on the top shelf, there they sat. Like a beacon calling me towards them...... there sat my old Positive PG tests from last November....... ALL SIX OF THEM!!! Two digital strips and four other tests that were all positive. I should have gotten rid of them by now right?? I mean after all my child should have been born in July and I would have had no need to keep such a silly memento as a positive PG test right? Well, it seems as though those PG tests are all I have left to hang on to from my lost Pregnancy. I have no U/S pictures, as when we had our 1st U/S we found there was no Heartbeat and that the sac wasn't in the place it should have been (ie: I was getting ready to m/c).

All I have as a reminder of the little one we lost is a few Postive PG tests, a angel miscarriage bracelet I made to remind me of our baby, an adorable winnie the pooh outfit that my cousin and Aunt sent when they found out we were PG, and the one and only thing I bought the week after we got our BFP, a cute package of baby bottles with baby snoopy on them.

Oh, and did I mention the hole in my heart that will forever be there, that nothing will ever fill? We can't leave that out now can we?

Why can I not bring myself to throw out those PG tests??? Everything else is tucked away somewhere (except the bracelet and my heartache) so I don't have to look at it everyday....... From a healthy viewpoint, I know mentally its not healthy to hang on to such a thing, as it serves as a reminder of something painful. I think I simply am grasping to the one real thing I have left since I have nothing else.

I don't know........

Our plan was originally to take July and August off for a mental break that we both badly needed. Now its September and we're not back on track..... financially we just have too much going on right now. I had to make a trip up to NY in August and we are planning a two week trip up to NY again in October for my brothers wedding. So it became either save our extra money so we don't miss my brothers wedding (which I would never miss for anything) or spend another $800 for a cycle trying...... October is out as we will be in NY and couldn't do monitoring anyway, so now it looks like MAYBE November before we jump back in.

I feel like with each month that passes, my dream keeps slipping further and further away. I actually feel like I have days where our dream of having a child is never going to happen. I often feel like I should start to do some research on Living Childless, but anytime I get any further than the search results, it ends in my sobbing, and not being able to even bring myself to read whats on the screen in front of me. So I guess thats my minds' way of telling me I'm not at that point yet.

I don't really have much else of a point to this blog, besides putting on virtual paper that I know I SHOULD move on (past the PG tests, the PG we lost etc), but I just can't.......not yet.........