Stims Check today!

So I went to work this morning at 530 am and worked with my patients until 745 am when my coverage showed up, and then hopped in the car and made the 50 mins trek to my RE's office for my stims check and labwork. The U/S tech there was soooooo nice, (such a huge differnce from the bitch at my old RE's office) although I found it odd that she didn't leave the room for me to undress (they have little alcoves to go in to "drop your drawers" and then you can grab a paper drape and make your way to the table. Now over the last two years I've lost alot of modesty due to my frequent dates with the "vag cam", however streaking across the room bare assed with another person in the room is still a wee bit uncomfortable to me. I'm used to being alone to undress, and quickly dashing to the exam table and dropping my butt and quickly covering up. Oh well....... one more shred of modesty out the door!!

Anyhow, the U/S tech said that my lining looked really really good (it was getting thinned out each month on Clomid). She said I have one lead Follie on my R ovary that is 11.5 mm and one smaller one on the left that is at 7 mm. Today is only CD 9, so I was pretty happy with those results (as on Clomid, I wasn't triggering until CD 22 or 23!!!) So based on the reasoning that follies grow 1-2 mm per day, by Friday I should be good to go with a lead Follie at around 19 mm (I hope and pray). So we finished the u/s and I went out to another area and had some STAT labs drawn (an E2 level --Estradiol level which measure your Estrogen level).

So later this afternoon a nurse called me from the office, and said that Dr. Z. reviewed my U/S and labs, and wants me to stay at my Bravelle dosage (150 iu /night) through Thursday night, and then I will go back on Friday morning for another U/S and more labs. I had been feeling really positive about the morning appointment and felt excited that I was progressing really well. So as I was review my instructions with the nurse, she started to bring me down again. She kinda implied that I didn't have very good development (again its only CD 9!!!!) and she also said that my E2 level was a little low.......... she didn't tell me the number, she just said we'd recheck again on Friday. So, per Dr. Z's directions, I did my shot again tonight. No problems. Thats atleast one thing I'm thankful for is that my shots have remained uneventful up to this point and hopefully they will continue to be that way.

I noticed something interesting this morning, while getting ready for work. Last night when I got into bed, I decided to say the entire rosary. I fnished, laid down, and within 10 mins I was out like a light. Usually I lay there restless and flipping and flopping trying to fall asleep. This is the second night I've said the rosary and slipped right off to sleep. Maybe its the opportunity to shut my mind off and only focus on prayer. Maybe its the calm I feel after knowing I've done something good by saying the rosary and strengthening my relationship with God. I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm going to keep it up as obviously its doing me well.

Its Mothers Day.........

Well, its Mothers Day today, I should be 31 1/2 weeks Pregnant right now, and I should be waddling around with anticipation when my little one will arrive (my EDD was July 13th). Instead I am sitting here, dwelling on the fact that I am so far away from that right now, and it really and truly sucks !!!!! Its so unfair that I and so many other women want nothing more from life right now than to be PG. My birthday is a week from Tuesday (the 20th) and people keep asking me what I want for my birthday, and I want to holler that all I want for my B-day is a baby, or to atleast be PG again with a healthy, lasting Pregnancy. Everything else just seems so trivial and small, like it doesn't matter. Do I want DVD's or CD's or books or clothing for my birthday.....no!!!!!!!! I don't care about any of it.

The harsh reality here, is that I'm knocking on 36's door, and I ask myself every minute of everyday, when will I get my chance?? When will it be my turn. What if I don't get my chance?? Then what will we do??

Its so overwhelming and I'm sure alot of my emotions are multipled right now, compliments of daily injections to try to get me PG. It seems every waking moment all I can think about is "are these meds working?" "when will I get to trigger?, will it be sooner than my most recent disaster cycles on Clomid?" What it comes down to is a neverending stream of "What if's when's, how's and most of all I hopes". Its mentally exhausting to say the least.

I also now more than ever find myself constanting asking God for help with our cause. I can''t tell you how many times a day I say "Please let this work!!" When I say it I guess I'm not really directing it at anyone specifically, but when I really think about it, I guess I'm directing it towards God. I am putting all of my trust and hope and faith in Him and I hope that this time he comes through for us.

Other than that, the Bravelle is going well, last night was Day 5, and like all the other nights, it was uneventful (besides the stinging and burning that lasts for 10 mins after I do each injection) Tonight will be shot # 6 and then tomorrow moning I go for U/S monitoring and bloodwork. Those will determine what meds I'll continue to take. My hope is for maybe another two days of Bravelle and then go time with a little luck!!! I'll be sure to keep all posted here.

I should finish this up, my mom will be coming over shortly to celebrate Mothers Day with us, we'll have a nice dinner, tons of laughs as always and good times. I just wish that I were celebrating our sucess too. For now, I'll have to spend the day appreciating my Mother for the outstanding woman she is, and always has been, I've always said "If I can be 1/2 the mother to my child that my mother was/is to me, I'll be a thriving success as a parent." I pray I'll get that chance very soon.

Sooooo tired!

Let me start by saying that I'm pooped!!

I don't think I even slept 30 mins last night!! I rolled into my favorite sleeping position at about 10:30 pm, and was looking and the clock every 20-30 minutes. At 2 am I really started to get annoyed and by 3 am I was ripped mad! I rolled over and there was my husband WIDE AWAKE!! Neither of us could sleep!! And let me tell you, when you have to be at work at 5:15 am, and its 3:15 am and you still haven't slept, its not a good place to be in!!! I think I finally dozed off right before the alarm went off at 4:30 am, so lets just say I felt like a walking zombie at work today. And, no I don't have a desk job where I can muttle through..... I work with patients from 6:15 am on. Luckily my day was cut short as our patient census was lower today, so I went home at noon today (still almost 7 hours on no sleep) but better than being stuck there until 4 pm today!! Needless to say its just about 9 pm and I'm very much ready for bed. Craig and I were talking about our sleepless night a little while ago, while getting ready to eat dinner and it dawned on us that we both drank alot of caffeine before bed last night. I had a Pepsi, which I haven't had in atleast 6 months, let alone @ 7:30 pm!!! Craig was no better, as he drank a diet coke (which he never drinks anything with caffeine that late either!) So hopefully we'll both sleep like rocks when we head to bed soon!

Tonight was onto Bravelle shot # 4. Uneventful, just like last night. Its not nearly as big a deal as I anticipated it to be. However, I simply cannot stop certain thoughts from running through my mind as I prep each injection. And that thought is "I never ever thought it would come to jabbing myself with needles every night". But as I've said many times, I'm more than willing if it gets us Pregnant!!

One one last note, I want to briefly talk about a blog that I came across today. It is heartbreaking about a couple who had a baby, and the wife died shortly after having the baby. Her husband has been posting a daily blog. I cried today reading his blog and seeing slide shows of the baby. It is an eye opening reminder to live each day to the fullest and to love and appreciate the one you are with every minute of every day. I encourage you to check out his blog:
http://www.mattlogelin.com/

Okay, thats about it for me, I'm ready to head to bed!!

Emotions Running Wild!

Day 3 Bravelle shot complete!!! Uneventful. Tonights' shot didn't hurt as bad as last nights. And a weird thing about that..... last nights shot hurt like heck but I don't have a bruise on that side but I do on the left from night #1. So it should be intersting to see if I have a bruise tomorrow from tonights shot on the left side again.

I had high hopes to not be so emotional on injectibles like I was on Clomid, but I guess thats not going to be the case. Earlier this afternoon, I wanted to cry at stupid things I saw on TV, and I thought to myself, well, better that than being a moody crab ass. Well about 90 mins later, I was sooooo grumpy I was miserable. Luckily I was able to pull myself out of that mood before Craig got home from work. This whole ride is tressful enough without having to get into stupid arguments over nothing so I'm going to do my best to not let that happen.

In non-IF news, I finally made my fabric covered headboard today. It came out soooo pretty! I'm so proud of it. I'll have to post a few pics when I take them and load them.

I guess thats about all I have to report in today. Nothing else exciting going on. I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday and that I have the weekend off. We're having my mom over to celebrate Mothers Day on Sunday, so I'll have a busy weekend cleaning and working on a few projects.

And speaking of Mothers' day, how I wish I was still PG and would be like 9 weeks from my EDD. That would be soooo nice instead of being in the middle of shots to the belly every night.
Oh well....... all I can do is pray for the best results from all our efforts this month. Lord, Hear my Prayers.

Bravelle.......the Mini-Series

ha ha ha.......
the title for this blog just popped into my head. Thats what this week has felt like already, a whirlwind of sorts. It almost feels as though I'm watching all this from the outside. Like I'm doing all of it, going through the motions, but watching it all happen. AF arrived Sunday, I called my RE Monday to confirm my med dosages, schedule labs and U/S all while I was at work, stressing and arranging to get my last box of bravelle shipped to me by Weds (after calling several mail order pharmacies to find out that 4 itsy bitsy little vials of Bravelle (enough for two days) would cost me $230, all out of pocket, (thanks shitty insurance!). Luckily for me, I found someone selling some leftover meds and managed to get my hands on a box of Bravelle for $75 plus $11 shipping. BIG BARGAIN for us. It really does seem that things are working out quite well so far as well as timing, and getting meds etc. Tuesday while again working, I got ahold of Freedom Pharmacy, faxed in my script for Ovidrel and arranged for that to come to me at work and made it through my day. Today while once again at work on the clinic floor, I sighed my first breath of relief when my Ovidrel arrived from Fed Ex. Then my second sigh of relief came when the Post office delivered my COD box of Bravelle, I opened it to be sure it was the real deal and paid for that. A whirlwind............ for certain.

Tonight was Bravelle shot number two! Last night my nerves were rattled, as your aware if you read yesterdays blog. Tonight, a piece of cake!!! My nerves were calm (probably because my husband was home which distracted me up until shot time. I breezed through drawing up my injection, no problems at all. Tonights target was to the right of my belly button (last night was the left side). Apparently the skin on the right side must be alot tougher, because I had a hard time getting the needle in. It went, but it didn't glide in like last nights did. And man does that stuff sting like mad........ and burn like my stomach is on fire afterwards. I'm not complaining by any means, since I believe this will be the month we get PG!!!

I do have a bruise from last nights injection, so I imagine I'll have a bruise tomorrow from tonights as well. I imagine by the end of it I'll have a circle of bruises around my belly button! Won't that be pretty!!! I don't know if its my imagination or what, but most of today I have these little noticable pains where my ovaries are, on both sides. Maybe its these big fancy meds waking my tired ass ovaries up and making them work!!! Speaking of tired, I think these meds are making me pooped! I was ready for bed at 8 pm but I'm fighting to stay up until atleast 9 or so.

I guess thats about all for now. Oh..... on the faith and prayer front, I spent about 30 minutes last night saying my entire rosary and offering up some prayers which included sucess for us this cycle, strength and improved health for my aunt who is now battling breast cancer (after beating an extreemly rare form of lymphoma on her brain and is now 100% lymphoma free) and of course I said some prayers for my TTTC nestie girls as well. It feels good to take some time to process my feelings and feel like I am once again connecting with my faith in God.

And So It Begins!!!

Well, AF arrived on Sunday, which was CD1. I called my RE on Monday morning to schedule U/S and Labs and to confirm my injectibles dosages. So today, Tuesday 5/6/08 is CD3 and day 1 of Bravelle. I am doing 150 iu at night between 6 pm and 9pm. I have to admit that I had a pretty good case of the nerves going about 2 hours before Injection time. So much so that I began racing around the house trying to think of things to take my mind off "shootin' up". So I gave both dogs a bath (no easy feat-- one is 55 pounds and one is 85 pounds-- usually Craig and I tag team bathtime). Then when they were sqeaky clean I decided to color my hair. By that point my nerves were rattled enough to make my Mitral Valve Prolapse kick into gear a bit and I started getting the racey heart thing going to boot. So I re-watched the Bravelle video online to re-assure myself I knew what I was doing.

The one thing I think I was bummin' about was the fact that Craig wasn't home tonight for my first dose. Totally not his fault, beyond his control, I'm sure he'd much rather have been home with me to support me rather than closing the restaurant tonight. Not that I needed him to do my shot or anything, I think I would have liked having his moral support more than anything else. Craig is my calm. When I get a little crazy-whacky, he grounds me and reminds me I am capable and I can get it done.

Fast forward to 7:40 pm and I said to myself "Self----Its Go Time". I gathered all my supplies, and headed into my bathroom (which I had manically scrubbed down and disinfected an hour before shot time). Just like back when I had to give myself my first Ovidrelle shot back in the fall, as soon as its Med time, I kick into "Nurse Betty" gear and my nerves disappear and I just got to the task at hand. I guess thats where working in the medical field for the last 15 years comes in handy.

I mixed my Bravelle with the 0.9% NS (1 ml of NS with two vials of Bravelle). No problems, a piece of cake actually. Then it was shot time. I must admit, that I did go the wimpy route and ice before injecting my shot, and I'm glad I did. Bravelle stung and burned like a mo'fo!!!! Zowie!!! And it burned for a good 10 mins post shot to it!!!!

So thats it!! I have a date with Bravelle for the next 5 nights @ 7:45 pm!! I am praying so hard that this is going to be our cycle. I just feel this is going to be it. I feel it in my heart. I'm going to try to start doing some things this cycle that will be good for my soul and my mind and my faith. I'm going to pray every night ( I already do but will so even more at this point), I am going to remain calm and unstressed. I'm going to let everything roll and let nothing push me over the edge. I'm going to eat healthy fruits for snacks and will of course be hitting the pineapple after O day! This is it!! Come the beginning of June we WILL be getting wonderful news!!!!!!!

For this I hope and pray.

Memorial Garden

So, after I had my M/C, I received something very very special in the mail from my two Aunts and my two Cousins. It was the most beatiful garden angel with a little bird perched on its arm. (they know I love to garden, and thought it would be a special way to remember our little angel that went to heaven). I sobbed the day I got it. That was back in December. Up until yesterday, I still hadn't created a garden to put her in. Part of me didn't want to put her outside and expose her to the elements and I think deep down the other part of me was thinking that by creating this garden it would again drive home the finality of our loss. So, for the past 4 1/2 months, she has sat out on my lanai. Everytime I was out there, I'd stop, look at her, and think about the love and support I have from my family.

So, yesterday (Saturday) I hopped in the Jeep and headed off to Home Depot to shop for some special flowers to create my memorial garden. I agonized over each plant I picked for in there. I chose several different rose bushes, then would put each of them back, until I found a very pretty one that "felt" like the right one. I chose my colors carefully, only picking the ones that again, "felt" right. Then I headed over to Lowe's to check out their selection of flowers, and did the same thing with the rose bushes. I kept walking around and around all of them, and couldn't find one that "felt" right. Until finally I came back around (for the 3rd time) to find a very beautiful pink rose bush. I could smell it before I even picked it up. I knew it was meant for my garden. As I made my way to the register, several people commented on the beauty of that rose bush, stopping me to admire it and take a smell. It was so pretty, that it even stopped a few ladies in their tracks as I was making my way to my car. As they walked away, the girl said "Oh grandma-- that was soooo beautiful!! ! Wow!!" I smiled as I knew I had picked the right one. So I loaded up my new rose bush and the few other flowers I had bought, hopped in the car to head home. I made it to the edge of the parking lot, and started crying. The kind of cry that totally ambushes you, the kind you don't even feel coming on. I was flipping through the radio stations at a red light, and WHAMMO!!! I cried about how PG I should be right now **28 weeks** (too PG to be planting a garden), I cried about what was taken from me, I cried about the finality of creating this garden and what it represents. I cried.......... all the way home.

Needless to say, I got a grip, and created my garden yesterday. It is gorgeous. I love my garden angel and what she represents. And although my little angel is no longer growing in me, its spirit will be able to grow for years and years in the garden I have created. Today, I am at peace with my new memorial garden and am so pleased I created it. Everyday I will take time to admire and appreciate it in all beauty and meaning.