The A B C's of ME!!

Well, its Saturday night, I'm bored, C. is closing the Restaurant tonight, and I'm sitting wracking my brain trying to think of something for dinner for 1.......... So in the meantime, I figured I'd blog a little. I've seen these ABC's of Me in alot of others' blogs, so I've decided what the heck....... here it goes........ try not to fall asleep from boredom (my life tends to be a bit boring LOL!!)

The A B C's of ME!!

Accent: I was born and raised in Upstate NY, and now that I live in FL, people tell me I sound like I'm from NY? Ok.......if you say so!!?

Breakfast or no breakfast: Breakfast if I'm at work, usually not if I'm home.....odd right???

Chore I don’t care for: Washing dishes........... I'd rather clean a Toilet!

Dog or Cat: I love them both....... we have two dogs that are my babies and a cute fat cat!!

Essential Electronics: My laptop, my I-pod (without a doubt I couldn't live without it), my Blackberry

Favorite Cologne: True Love by Elizabeth Arden and Patchouli (yep-- I'll admit it -- I love it!!)

Gold or Silver: Gold

Handbag I carry most often: I refuse to pay a ton of money on a purse.......

Insomnia: Pretty rarely....... once in a while when I'm really overtired or stressed about something

Job Title:Vascular Access Manager

Kids: Desperate for one.......... God willing we'll have our chance

Living Arrangements: We own our home (hubby and I)

Most Admirable Trait: My Loyalty and Sense of Humor

Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: I swore alot!!

Overnight hospital stays: None for me!! One minor surgery and a few ER visits when

I was young

Phobias: BUGS for sure!!! I'm petrified of Snakes and cockroaches

Quote: "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.I love you

straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other waythan this: where I does not exist, nor you,so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep." Pablo Neruda

Reason to smile: My Husband, my Family, and my Furbabies

Siblings: One Awesome Older Brother

Time I wake up: Ugghh!!!! 4:30 am on work days!! Blech!!

Unusual Talent or Skill: I can pick things up with my feet

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: Oh Lord, thats a looooong list, it'd be much easier to list what I do like: corn, peas, potato's, tomato's, cukes, onions............thats it!!

Worst Habit: My sarcasm tends to get me in trouble sometimes

X-rays: None in a while, most recent were my neck and when Jazz stomped on my foot and I thought she broke something because I could barely walk.

Yummy Stuff: my hubby's homemade chicken parm, warm brownies or homemade choc. chip cookies fresh from the oven. YUM!!!!

Zoo Animal I Like Most: Monkey's for sure!!!

Back From the N.Y.

Well, I'm delighted to say I had a WONDERFUL time in NY. There is no place like Upstate NY in the mountains. I know how cliche' the "Fresh Mountain Air" stuff is, but it really is true (until your Allergies kick into gear that is.........) The picture above, is across the street from the house I grew up, which my brother still lives in. I could sit and look out at that mountain for hours, and honestly I spent alot of my years living there doing just that while growing up.

Just as I suspected, my visit to NY made me very homesick for those surroundings. I don't miss the little town I grew up in so much, as it is just as it has always been. A small little town that never changes.......almost as though a town that time forgot. But I miss the rolling hills, the mountains, the NON-Busy atmosphere that a little town in the mountains of NY offers. I miss silly things like going to watch my older brother play in his summer mens' softball league. I miss the fact that you can drive on country roads in and out of mountains and maybe only pass 15 cars on a 30 minute ride, instead of the nonstop madness of traffic I deal with daily here in Florida. (of course I doubt I'd be missing those roads come wintertime in a blizzard but nonetheless).

I also suspect that when C. and I head back to NY in October for two weeks (for my brothers' wedding), that C. may have to drag me kicking and screaming back out of NY when its time to leave. Fall in Upstate NY is my absolute favorite time of year, hands down. There is nothing like it!!!! I know as soon as C. lays eyes on those mountains in Oct, he too will become homesick for where we grew up.

Honestly, if my mom wasn't down here by me(she lives 10 mins away) in Florida, I think C. and I would move back to Upstate NY without a doubt. (C.'s mom is down here too, but about 90 mins away). Of course we don't even need to talk about the fact that Real Estate Sales sucks BALLS right now and we'd have a very tough time selling our house, without owing more than what we'd get for it right now. So, for now our thoughts of moving back to NY will have to be just that..........thoughts! (and daydreams)

Seeing my family up in NY was awesome, we spent a couple days with my Aunt (my mom's sister) who has been battling various forms of cancer for a couple years now....... (first an extreemly rare form of lymphoma(brain cancer), so rare that they didn't even have a name for it, which I am so pleased to say is in remission, however she is currently battle breast cancer....... and let me just say, she is a REMARKABLE WOMAN!!!!! She can't walk, (but is working on it) and is so independent and still has the most wonderful sense of humor. I'm pretty sure that she, my mom and I laughed 95% of our waking hours. I love her to pieces and am amazed by her strength and courage for all she has been through. LOVE YOU AUNTIE BLING!!

We had a bit of a bumpy flight back home as there was a Tropical Storm on its way to the west coast of FL and had our flight come in any later we wouldn't have made it back and would probably have sat in Washington DC for a day or two waiting to get back........

To sum it up, awesome trip, great relaxation (although it was busy as we had help throw my sister-in-law to be's bridal shower while we were up there), great scenery, lots of laughes and good times, but as always its good to come back home (I missed C. terribly while I was gone and I couldn't wait to get back home to his lovin' arms).

I guess thats all for now. I've really been slacking with my blogging lately, as I don't really have alot to talk/blog about, but I'm going to try to get back on track!!! To those who do read, I do check in on alot of your blogs, sometimes daily, to see how you are doing.

Much love to all!

Leavin' On a Jet Plane!!

Well, I know I have been posting much lately. I feel kinda empty inside, while we are taking a break, so I don't feel the need to reinforce the emptiness by writing about how sad I am over and over and over again.

Bottom line....... not TTTC right now sucks (but the mental break is good for me)and honestly I feel like my chances are slipping away from me with each passing day. I feel like each day I withdraw a little bit more from the message boards I frequent, and even here for that matter. Its sad, it sucks, what else can I say about it?

In other news, I'm heading to Upstate NY on Thursday for 6 days and I cannot wait!!! The picture above is taken about 5 minutes from the house where I grew up, and where I will be going to visit in just a few days. My mom and I are flying up together for my future sister-in-laws Bridal Shower we are helping throw. I can't wait for a break from the hellish Florida heat and humidity. Forecast for where I'm headed is mid to high 70's during the day and mid to high 50's at night--- I couldn't even tell you the last time we saw a nighttime temp go below 77 here in Florida (well its been many many many months). I can't wait to see mountains, and rolling hills, and of course see my family up there. Last time I was up there and saw everyone was under poor circumstances, when my Aunt ended up in the hospital having seizures and being non responsive for 5 days in ICU, to end up getting diagnosed with an extreemly rare form of brain cancer, which I'm thankful to report that 1 1/2 years later is in complete remission (although she is currently battling breast cancer right now).

Anyhow, I'm super psyched about heading to a New York State of Mind for a few days. Of course, I'm bummin' that my husband isn't going, but he'll be working alot next weekend and he'll be taking care of our furbabies while I'm gone. I also know that when we head back up to NY in October for two weeks for my brothers wedding, we'll have a blast and get to enjoy upstate NY in the fall....... my favorite time of year. I keep telling C. that he'll have to drag me kicking and screaming out of NY because I won't want to leave.

C. and I are still doing well working out at the gym. We are still hitting the gym 4-6 times a week and it honestly feels great. I feel great physically and I love the mind numbingness I feel while I'm there. I don't stress about IF, I don't think about much of anything else besides working out and digging deep for the determination to push myself while I'm there!

I guess thats about all I can offer up, thats just how damn boring and uneventful my life is these days!

Very Sad Today.......

I am very sad today. Not sad about the usual IF stuff that my blog is generally overflowing with, but sad because today is the Anniversary of my Dad passing away. I know I've talked about this previously in other blogs, but my dad is still so important to me that I feel my sadness about missing him warrents its own blog.

My Dad passed away on July 26, 1994, when I was a mere 22 years old. He celebrated his 48th Birthday on July 17, became sick with Bronchitis which quickly turned into CHF and an admit to the hospital, which then snowballed into a massive MI. They tried to get him back for over 45 minutes, but it was all over. Alot of people go through an experience like this and say that it all happened so fast, it was like a blur and they don't really remember much about it. I remember every single thing that happened in those few horrible days. I remember them clear as day. I can close my eyes and I'm sitting outside of CCU watching it all happen. It instantly brings me to tears. I remember the pain of knowing where it all was heading, the fact that my brother was on his way back to the hospital (only having gone home 40 mins away to shower and take the dogs out and feed them) and by the time he got to the hospital, our dad was gone. I remember standing out in the hallway talking with my boyfriend and a couple other friends (I worked in the hospital and knew alot of people there)and I remember crying saying "This can't happen, not yet, he's only 48 and has way too much living left to do. He needs to walk me down the aisle someday when I get married, he needs his chance to be a grandfather!!" (well, I guess out on much there as I still haven't been able to have a baby 14 years later!!!).

I remember being completely numb in the days after he passed, sitting in the funeral home helping my mom make arrangements, numb as all our family arrived to support us. People sleeping on the living room floor, in the spare bedroom, in hotels....... a nonstop stream of people coming to the house, it was all so overwhelming and numbing all at the same time. It was actually very surreal. It wasn't until everything was over and people started going home and things became quiet that the magnitude and reality of what had happened and what we were now missing from our lives really set in. I remember going back to my apartment the day after my dads funeral, and going into my closet to get a few things and literally colapsing on the closet floor. I sat there a sobbed for hours. Honestly I could go on and on and on until the blog world cut me off, about how my life got turned upside down after my dad passed, but I'll try not to keep carrying on about it.

Instead I'll touch on just a few of the many many great things I remember, appreciated and most of all loved my dad for.

My dad was such a hard worker. He worked for NY State as a Correctional Officer for 18 years, and my brother and I never wanted for anything. Between him and my mom, we never went without a single thing. No matter the cost etc, we always had everything we needed and much much more. The atmosphere in my house growing up was never one that was a "coochie coochie coo" leave it to Beaver kind of house.......that just wasn't us. We just knew how much we were loved, there was never any question. I knew my dad loved me with his whole heart, I was a total Daddy's Girl 110%.I didn't need my parents to tell me every minute, I just always knew they loved me and were ALWAYS there for me and my brother. When my dad wasn't working, he was always keeping busy at home. Yardwork, woodworking, working on the car. He played on a softball league with alot of his friends and I never missed a game. He used to love to get in the car and go for a ride after dinner in the summertime. My parents and I would go over to Vermont on our rides (we lived 2 mins from the Vermont Border in Upstate NY), and we'd spot deer in fields, and my dad and I would have contests to see who could spot more deer, and how many etc. God, I'd give anything to go on one more car ride with him.

He was an amazing man, who instilled alot of really good morals in me, my parents gave me the wisdom, knowledge and the smarts to do my best to always make the right choices in my life, and for that, I will be forever grateful. (and speaking of smarts, he wanted to be sure I had some "street smarts" too. We used to have little lessons on different ways to "defend myself" with his prison issue nightstick (baton).... I kid you not....... It wasn't like I drove around with a nightstick in my car or walked around with one on my hip, so I don't really know when the opportunity would have occured for me to use my "skills", but nevertheless, I was taught and prepared just in case).

Everyday, even 14 years later, I still get signs that he's around me, and watching over me. Every time I see a red cardinal I think of him. (its a long story, but the jist of it is, that he loved Cardinals, so much so that his tombstone has a deer and a cardinal in a tree on it and ever since he passed, cardinals have come into my life with meaningful experiences many many times, and many times when I was having a tough time, and I truly believe with all my heart that this is my dads way of letting me know he is around me and watching out for me by sending cardinals my way).

My latest experience was just the other night after a dream I had. (My dad does still come to me in my dreams, and after he does I always awake feeling comforted that he has visited me, again to let me know he is still around me).

So I had a dream Tuesday night and he was in it. I don't remember alot of the dream, but what I did remember when I woke, was that in the dream he kept telling me to go buy him some lottery tickets. He said it several times, and then said "here's $26.50 to go buy me some lottery tickets". When I woke, I thought to myself, how weird, that he'd specifically say to me here's $26.50 and I thought, geez--maybe I should go play the lottery just incase. The day went on and I kinda forgot about it, so I never bought any tickets. Fast foward to Weds evening, and I'm sitting watching TV and on comes the FL Pick 3 and Pick 4 results for Weds........

Catch this...... the pick 3 number was 6-5-0 and the pick 4 numbers were.................... 2-6-5-1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that not friggin' unbelievable!!!??? (and of course I didn't play them!!!) But it cerainly is an experience I'll never forget and just another reason I know my dad is with me.

I've managed to do okay today, but I've been carrying around alot of sadness all day. I went to the gym after work today, and just really had a hard time concentrating and focusing, so after about 45 mins, I decided to head home before I hurt myself not paying attention. I sat out back on the lanai while cooking dinner, and sent some prayers up to the Big Guys in the sky (big guys= G-O-D and my dad).

I know my dad is at peace, and would never have wanted him to stay here on earth, if his quality of life was depleated, he'd never have wanted to live that way, and he had made that perfectly clear many many times over the years. I pray he is content and gets to do all the things he loved doing on earth up in Heaven.

I also send up alot of prayers hoping that the little angel we lost back in November when I had my m/c is there with him and he is getting to enjoy his grandchild. It makes a M/C a tiny bit easier to cope with knowing that their spirits are together up there in Heaven.

I love you always dad, and not a day goes by that I don't think about you and miss you, and I always will.

Progress..........

So, it's been a couple weeks since I last posted, so i figured I'm loooong overdue to blog about something.

I am very happy to report that the my latest journey to get healthy is off to a great start!!! C and I are still working out at the gym 5-6 times a week and have been doing great with our Low Carb "Lifestyle". I am thrilled to say that as of Saturday 7-19, I am down 8 POUNDS!!!!! I've also lost 2 inches in my waist and 3 inches off my hips!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! My clothes are getting baggy already too, so I'm thrilled!!! (C. is doing good too, and has lost 6 pounds!!)

Although I feel lost not TTC right now, it feels really good to focus on something besides daily injections in my stomach, trying to fit in Dr's appointments and Ultrasounds around my crazy work schedule etc. It feels great to be in the gym and not really even think about all my TTTC woes. I go in, distract myself with good music, and let all my stress go, and revel in the adrenalin rush you get from a good workout. The next thing I know, its 90 mins later, and I feel good about myself and accomplished . (and believe me, its been a loooooong time since I've felt good about really anything in my life.)

As far as TTTC goes, there is really nothing to report in. My body continues to be its psycho self, of which I have no control over.........Yeah-- whats new there right?? Anyhow, the plan as of now is that we will take off August from TTC, mainly because I'll be out of town (Upstate NY-- here I come.....only for 5 days, but I'm super psyched about a visit back home), and then hopefully we'll jump back in and try again in September (october will be out as we will be spending 2 weeks in Upstate NY when my brother gets married), so I'm already starting my prayers that September will be our lucky month!!

I guess thats about all for now, I just wanted to check in and not abandon my blog. I'll keep updating with my weight loss progress, and will hopefully continue to post good things!!!!!!

The Start of a New Journey

So, its been about a week since I last posted a blog, I guess I needed time to process all of our last failed cycle. Truth be told I'm still processing it. And I'm still questioning and 2nd guessing my choice to take a break. I know that mentally, we both really needed to take this break, it was just becoming such an ovewhelming burden to both of us, that we were petrified of it ruining our wonderful marriage, and that of course is the last thing either of us want. I couldn't live without him, nor him without me.....I mostly question our break because of the fact that I'm pretty positive this last cycle ended as a Chemical Pregnancy--- so I wonder if we had gone ahead with this month's cycle that it would have been the sucessful one since we most likely did have fertilization just not implantation with this one....... I hope we didn't ruin our progress by taking a break......... as always, all my thoughts seem to be consumed by I hopes, I wish, and I'm scared's.

So, we joined a gym last week, one that is close to where we live, so we don't have the excuse that we don't feel like driving there etc...... we also both started back on our low carb diet as of yesterday (Monday) so together we are headed on a new journey, for now anyways.......... a journey back to feeling better about ourselves and a journey to better health as well. (it will be benificial for me having PCOS and beneficial for C. since he has diabetes). We were both very sucessful doing low carb in the past, last time we did it I lost about 25 pounds, and have only put about 8 of it back on since we stopped (incidently we stopped it after I got PG, then went back on it after the New year and then stopped again a few months ago).

We met with a trainer tonight, to go over diet and exercise plans. Of course that involves the ever so embarrassing mounting of the scale, and the even better body fat analysis......... which have been kept top secret from C. because even I have limits to what I will share with him (its really probably the only thing I won't/don't share with him!!).

I'm also dealing with mounting pressure and nerves as I approach what would have been my EDD (Sunday 7/13). As much as I've tried to stay away, I have still been lurking on the SAIF board, and all the girls that were due right around the same time as me are now giving birth...... its like a stab in the heart.......

July has kinda sucked for me for quite a few years now, and this just adds to the craptasticness of it....... my dad passed away in July (of 2004, 1 week after his 48th Birthday......yes you read that right, he was only 48...I was only 22 when he died), so every July I cry on his birthday because I miss him so much still, and then I cry my heart out a week later on the anniversary of his passing.....) So, add to it, the fact that I should be holding my baby right now, or atleast preparing to sucks ASS..........

Anyhow-- this post was supposed to be on a more postive note, but has managed its way back to what I hurt about most, IF and PG loss...... I guess you write about what you know best don't you???

Hopefully my next few posts will start to become a little more positive, and as I start making great progress on my fitness/wt loss Journey I'll update it here.

Thanks to those who still check in here, and for your comments...... I haven't been the best at emails to friends or family lately, but I appreciated everyone's support and will try to do better this week. (and btw, I do still check in on all your blogs, even if I haven't been commenting!)

Big love to all.....

Done, Over and Broken........

its been an aweful rollercoaster weekend....... and it ends with shitty news.......I tested on Friday 13 dpo/IUI and got a very faint bfp (thats when I posted my last blog post), and I thought we'd have good news to share, but wanted to wait to be sure by re-testing the next day. So I tested Sat 14 dpo/IUI and got another faint line, but darker than the day before and well within the 10 min test time.So I started to get really excited but was still afraid to post....... I guess it was my intuition telling me to not get excited.

I tested Sunday morning, and got a big stark snow white test and was like WTF???? So I was upset and crying on and off all day Sunday, trying to keep my mind busy doing other things, and then re-tested in the afternoon with a Digital when DH got home......... only to read a giant ugly NOT PREGNANT!!!!!I don't get it--- my trigger was out 10 dpo so that wouldn't have been giving me false positives....... maybe it was a chemical PG??

I started spotting Sunday night, and got the bitch whore AF on Monday, full on flow ............... so, IT. IS. ALL. OVER.

I had one of the worst breakdowns of my life Sunday night...... (2nd only to my dad passing away and my m/c). I sat in the middle of my kitchen floor and just sobbed. I told dh I wanted to dig a hole in the back yard and climb into it and disappear........ he literally had to pick me up off the floor.

It seems IF has finally beat me down to nothing. I had so much hope and belief that this was going to be it for us. I don't honestly know how much more heartbreak I can stand. I was so down and out on Sunday, that I actually visited websites about learning to live childless (and of course, sobbed as soon as the site would load).With all that said, we have to decided to take a break for a couple months (well, I decided and dh is supportive of whatever I want and need to do right now). As much as I don't want to take a break, I don't honestly think that mentally I can take another month of disappointment without someone having to commit me, I just need a little break to breath. I'm scared that the progress we've made with meds etc will all be lost and be some sort of set-back and thats the only thing making me 2nd guess taking a break.

So we'll take July off (we'll try on our on, but I'm not banking on much in that department), I'll be traveling during O time in August up to NY, so thats out, so it looks like we'll start back trying in September.In the meantime, we've both joined a gym close to where we live, and I'm going to be balls to the wall with loosing some weight and getting back into shape, both mentally and physically.

Thanks to those who were curious and supportive. I'm sure I'll continue my blogs, although my posts may take a temporary turn of direction for now.

So, that has been my suck ass shit rotten hell of a weekend. At this point in my blog, it seems as though I always try to end on a positive note, however, I'm having extreme difficulty finding anything positive at all to talk about, besides the fact that I am grateful for having my C. in my life to love, hold and support me.

Babe, if you happen to read this, thank you for literally picking me back up from all this mess, and as always, for loving me, no matter what. You are my everything, and I can't breath without you.