Ummmmm.....can't share anything yet!

Okay-- I've been MIA for a couple days.......

I had a mini-meltdown yesterday as I started having really bad cramping, and I swiped a tiny bit of pink after peeing, and I was certain that this cycle is over.

As of today, 13 dpo/IUI the jury is still out and there is no conclusive evidence one way or another. No other spotting except for once yesterday. Still having some weird cramping feelings that come and go (but not like AF dull achy cramps), I had nausea 1/2 the morning today at work.

The past few months AF has arrived like clockwork at 14 dpo (and by 12 dpo-13 dpo I have ALOT of spotting), and there is honestly no signs of AF as of the moment I type this Friday night........... so thats a really good sign right??

We did test today, and I'll keep the results of that to myself (and to C. of course) as to not reveal what we don't really know, and certainly I don't want to jinx our chances..........

So, thanks to those who've offered caring thoughts and messages this far (on here and via email), they really mean alot, and as soon as we might know something definative, I'll let be sure to post on the Nest and here when I'm ready to .

So again, thanks for all the well wishes, and please keep em coming....... we need all the prayers and positive thoughts we can get.

Much Love to all

Petrified . . . . . . . . . . .

So, if you read my previous post, you'll recall that C. and I decided that we would test on Thursday (tomorrow) which will be 12 dpo/IUI, but I am now officially petrified to do so!

A little background as to why:
I've been testing out the Trigger this month, (my trigger was done about 28 hours prior to IUI). On 9 dpo, I got a super faint line when I POAS, and I was totally thrilled thinking, my trigger has always been out by 7 dpo, so being that on 9dpo, it was actually 10dp trigger, so in my mind, it couldn't possibly still be the trigger right? Well, WRONG!!!! I flew out of bed on the morning of 10 dpo (like 5 am early) and ran in and POAS........ STARK WHITE TEST LINE!!! How the hell did it take my body 10 days to metabolize the trigger out!!!! Thats just crazy to me!!!

So, now that I'm 11 dpo/IUI and on the eve of test day, I'm shittin' myself and I'm a bundle of freakin' nerves!!!!! I honestly don't think that I can possibly take seeing another BFN this month. I honestly do not know how I will be able to handle it without finally going over the edge!!! I have been so positive this month, keeping an upbeat positive outlook, trying to be good to my body and mind. I've been praying alot, and C. and I have been lighting the prayer candles that I made for each one of us. (C. has actually brought a smile to my heart a couple times this past week, as I've come home from work when he's been home and he has taken it upon himself to light his prayer candle. So it touches me that he really is trying to stay postive about this month too).

So, back to the testing stuff, as I just went off a little of track there. I feel that honestly I'm better off waiting until Friday to test as that will be 13 dpo/IUI. The reason I'm feeling that way, is because back in Nov when I got PG, I didn't get a BFP until 13 dpo, and it was super super faint, then on 14 dpo, I got another bfp on a $ store cheapie followed by a bfp on a digital. Emotionally, I don't know if I can handle seeing another stark white test area tomorrow morning, without loosing my shit!!!

Meanwhile, I'm going nutso with all the symptoms I've having. Achy burning boobs/nips, nausea throughout the day, fatigue, and I've been having alot of dull achy pains in my lower right abdominal area. Not really cramps, just pinchy little pains......they come, last about 1 or 2 mins and then go away.

Its ridiculous as I go into each month, I think to myself, that I'm just so used to the 2WW, that nothing will throw me this month....... Ha!!!!! Every month it just gets worse and worse and worse. I'm honestly just so nervous about testing that I'm sick to my stomach.

The fear of getting another bfn this month is far far worse than heading into the cycle doing shots in my stomach each night, doing the IUI for the first time........ I'm honestly just so scared to see this month be a BFN.

I guess when C. gets home from work tonight, we'll talk it out, and he'll tell me to do whatever I think we should do and we'll go from there, but as it stands now, I honestly believe I'll be waiting until Friday to test.

So stay tuned, and if you wouldn't mind, send any positive thoughts and prayers my way for Friday morning!!!

My "Dear Baby" Letter....

Well, I've been on the fence wanting to write a "Dear Baby" letter to my little one that I pray to God is snuggling in as I type this, but I've been having trouble writing it. Its almost like I feel too vulnerable to write it, but I still feel so compelled to write it anyways, so here it goes:

Dear Wee One,
I just want you to know how very much you are wanted. How much you have been prayed for, for years now it seems. Both daddy and I yearn to welcome you to our world, to our lives, to our hearts. For so long we have wanted you, to complete our family. Your daddy and I love each other very very much, but we need you to complete the little part that is missing to make our lives' whole. We have cried for you, prayed for you, struggled to get you here, and will do everything we can to show you each and every minute of your life how very much we love you and how much you mean to us.

I pray that you will join us and be part of our life. I pray that you will have your daddy's big brown eyes and laid back temperment. I pray that you have my little nose and sense of humor. I pray that you will have the best parts of your daddy and the best parts of me all wrapped up into one little miracle of life that you will be.

You will have sooooo many people who will love you so very much and have wished and hoped for you just like daddy and I. There's MeMe Loretta (My mom) who has hoped and prayed for you to join us for years now. She will spoil you like no one else could ever come close to doing. She will steal you away every chance she gets and love you to pieces. She's always wanted a grandbaby to spoil rotten and you are just the perfect baby for the job. Grandpa John will spoil you like crazy too, and will teach you how to bowl when you get old enough!! There's Uncle Rich and Aunt Sue, who although they live kinda far away, will take pride and joy in spoiling you and loving you up every chance they get.

Then there is Grandma Donna and Grandpa Frank....... there is tons of love to be had from them as well. Grandpa Frank will surely teach you how to golf as soon as your old enough, and Grandma Donna will love you up and spoil you lots too!

The list goes on and on of all the people who would love nothing more than for you to join us and be part of our loving family.

There will never be alot of things I ask of you as my child, except to accept and give love, be a good person, and know you can always trust your daddy and I. The only other thing I want to ask of you, is to please snuggle into me, your mommy, and get nice and comfy and enjoy the ride for the next 9 months while you grow big and strong in mommy's belly.

Always remember how much daddy and I love you and how badly we want you to join us and be part of our family, our hearts, and our souls. I hope and pray in four or five days we get the BIG news we are desperately hoping for, and we'll know that you've heard our prayers and want to be with us as much as we want to be with you.

Love Always,
Your Mommy
_________________________________________________________

Okay, now that I have gotten that off my chest, I feel better, and it turns out not so vulnerable afterall. It feels good to put it down on "virtual" paper, as it makes it more real.

Today I am 8dpiui (for those not up on the lingo is 8 days past IUI).
I had alot of cramping days 1-4 past IUI. The last several mornings I've had some waves of nausea while at work (and at home), and one morning I even though my blood sugar might be low, so I checked it at work, and it was fine. I have been really tired and have taken a nap every day in the afternoon for the last 4 days and have been having jabs of pain in my bb's here and there. Today I have been having dull achy pains in my lower abdominal area, mostly on the right side. They actually start kinda sharp and then go dull and achy and then after a few minutes it fades away, then comes back a while later. I try and compare what I am feeling these past few days with how I felt when I was PG back in November, but I didn't know I was actually PG in the days leading up to my BFP so I don't really remember what I felt in those days leading up to it, aside from having weird spotting and wondering why the hell AF wasn't coming with all the spotting.

In alot of ways, I don't want any symptoms to be the same as when I got PG before, because it ended in a m/c and I'm afraid that if I feel the same things as before, it could end up a repeat of the last time.

I have been testing out the trigger (with OPk's because I keep forgetting to buy $ store tests) and this morning was very very faint, so hopefully tomorrow mornings' will show nothing and then when I do work up the guts to test, we'll know its not the trigger.

I did talk with C. to see if he wants to be home/with me when I test this month. (I usually sneak in a dollar store cheapie without him knowing and its usually right before AF shows her ugly ass, so that I don't crash from the disappointment so badly). C. says he'd really like to be with me when I test this month. (the month we got a bfp I woke him up at 430 am before I went to work, to make him look at the faintest bfp ever...... so faint that he told me not to get my hopes up and wait til I tested with something NOT from the dollar store..... then I tested that night while he was at work, and when the diggie popped up PG, I jumped in the car and drove to his job to show him. It wasn't the most romantic, exciting way to do it, but I couldn't have waited til he got home at 11 pm that night .....) So this time, I think he's hoping to be a bit more involved in it, and I'm fine with that, he can jump up and down with me in pure utter joy when we get good news!!!

As it stands now, I think we will test on Thursday morning as we are both off from work that day. That will be 12 dpo which may be a little too early, but hopefully not.

So here's to lots more wishful thinking, prayers and one great big GIANT BFP on Thursday. So if you have any extra baby dust to sprinkle my way I'd surely appreciate it!!

The slooooowest 2WW Ever!!!

Okay-- its Thursday, and I'm 5 dp IUI# 1........ I do believe it is the most torturous 2WW EVER for me!!! Seriously!!! I'm already over analyzing everything, and I mean everything!!

I've been having alot of twinges and pinchy feelings especially the first 4 days after IUI. I've been having boob pain, which I Never Ever have....... I'm very tired........ Hmmmmmm...PG symptoms...............if your 10 or 11 dpo/dp IUI.......... not 4 or 5 days!!!!! My nerves are totally going to be shot by next week at this time (which will be 12 dp IUI), Lord knows how I'm going to make it through this wait!!

Luckily I have some crafty projects to work on. I'm making all the invites for my SIL to be's Bridal shower, so I'm excited to have that as a distraction this weekend. I also need to start shopping around for a decent airfare rate for my mom and I to fly up to NY in August for the shower. (Yay!!!! A quick visit back up to my old stomping grounds!!!! I haven't been home since I went up for my Bridal shower in 2004!!! Oh-- I take that back, I went up last March while my Aunt was very very ill in the hospital-- all I saw was the inside of a hospital for a week and a friggin Nor'Easter snow storm (2 1/2 feet worth)). Anyhow, then C. and I are looking forward to spending two weeks in upstate NY in October when my brother and his fiance get married!!! And all I can say is I better be knocked up OR ELSE!!!!! (see how easily I can distract myself TEMPORARILY about getting PG, but it always comes back to the heart of the matter).

I really don't have much else to write about today, besides my ass-dragging 2 WW and the fact that I should be 37 weeks PG right now.......or better yet, theres a damn good chance that I would have been a Mommy by now. (My EDD from our November m/c is/was July 13th). Its funny, now that I write that, I cannot decide whether it should say my EDD is July 13 or it was July 13 or it should have been July 13. I guess no matter how you cut it, they all suck because none of them are going to happen!!!!!!!

Today's random picture is of Baby Snoopy. Back when C and I found out we were PG in Nov, we had decided that if it were a boy, the nursery would be done all in blues and baby Snoopy, and if it were a girl, some funky retro style room with browns and pinks....... In my heart, I was convinced it was going to be a boy, and I now worry that if we do get our BFP this month, and down the road we find out its a boy, can I use the same stuff or would that be cheating our little angel out of what would have been theirs? I'm so anxious about that.......I guess I should just concentrate on my body letting my little one snuggle in and worry about smaller details later right? (Did I mention that Joann's fabrics has an absolutely adorable baby Snoopy Quilt that you finish off yourself?? It is so cute, and it has appliqued baby Snoopy's and Woodstocks.......I'm totally in love with it, and each time I'm in there, which quite possibly is atleast once a week, I have to force myself NOT to buy the fabric. I'm convinced its a bad omen or will mess with the natural order of things...... or worse yet, I could never ever get PG again, and then I'd have this ridiculing Baby Snoopy Quilt to make me feel worse about my failures as a woman!!

Okay--enough worry and dwelling. As I wrote before, this month is all about being a better person, having faith and doing the right thing to get karma to dance around you and bless you with a wee one. So back to that!!!!

IUI # 1 COMPLETE!!!!!

Well, I survived IUI # 1!!!!!

Here's a recap of the day!!

I woke up bright and early, as I said in yesterdays blog, I had to go into work for 2 hours this morning before my IUI. So I woke up, got ready for work, said some prayers before leaving, and headed to work. I got all set up, got all four of my patients set up and dialyzing and started getting nervous as my relief coverage wasn't at work yet and I needed to drive 45 mins to my RE's office. (Meanwhile, back at home, C. was hard at work, trying to make his donation for this morning's IUI). C. called me at 6:45 am to happily report that his "donation" was done and ready-- I started to freak a little thinking he had done it a little too early and that I'd never make it the RE's office within the hour limit. ) I saw my work coverage pulling in the parking lot, reported off on my patients and ran out the door hollering to her on my way to the car.

I called C. and told him to be waiting with the sample at home so I could just pull up, grab it and get on the road. (C. couldn't go with me because he had to be at work at 9 am). So, as I pulled onto my street, and looked up towards my house, there stood C. at the end of the driveway ready to make the handoff (we had it wrapped in a warm towel in a little cooler). I grabbed it, got a kiss and said, "This has to be the most bizarre handoff ever right????" and off I went!

I made it to my RE's office in a record breaking 33 mins (it normally takes atleast 45 depending on traffic). I had a pretty clear ride, and luckily had some heavy footed drivers setting the pace in front of me, so we sailed at 70 mph alot of the way. I practically ran into the RE's office, signed in, and found NO ONE anywhere near the front desk!!! I started freaking, because I knew we were super close to the 1 hour mark. FINALLY, someone came out and I ran up to the desk with the sample, panicing, to let them know how close we were on time. The Andrologist took it, gave me paperwork to fill out, and off he went with "the package".

So, I sat in the lobby, with about 4 other couples, which was a little tough, as I was really wishing C. was there with me, but I managed, keeping my eye on the bigger picture. I brought a book to try to read to pass the time, but that was a waste, as I suspected it would be, as I read the same 3 pages about 4 times each, and still had no idea what I was reading. So then I put my Ipod on, and chilled out for a bit, while saying some of the Rosary, while trying to be discreet (I didn't want anyone to think I was loopy!!!)

Then, funny enough, one of the couples sitting across from me, live about 15 mins north of me and they were saying they were on IUI# 3, and if this didn't work, they were moving onto IVF which their insurance covered 100%. Boy, lucky them for that insurance coverage. Next to me sat and pair of girls, who come to find out, are a Gay couple TTC. This was IUI#3 for them as well, using donor sperm. At first, I was a little in awe, after hearing their plan, but then I kinda admired them after hearing their story, and how they "shopped" for their donor sperm. They even had a picture of the donor. I admired them for being brave to take this step, and for being so open about their journey.

The first couple were also very open about their journey thus far, and I admired the husband of the couple. He had gotten called in earlier to do his sample and of course, he HAD to feel all the eyes burning on him when he came back out to sit with his wife after he was done, he had to know we all knew what he was back there doing. He handled it like a trooper!! He and his wife were very open talking about his SA post wash results etc, and were very interested in the gay couples' journey. At one point, the husband even joked that with his good sperm count, he'd be a good donor, and maybe after his wife got PG, he'd make up a resume with his IQ and SA numbers, and of course his wife was giggling away and was a good sport about it.

Side effects of all the different meds we've been on was discussed, the hot flashes, the moodiness, the size of follies from various meds etc. It was actually refreshing to hear people be open and talk about their journey's and it just re-assured me that I'm not alone in all this. There really is a Common Thread in IF and how we are all linked together with the emotional and physical toll it takes on all of us......... Women and Men!!

So, at about 8:55 am I was called back for my IUI (of course they make you stop at the check out window prior, to pay your bill........ that was not the most fun $538 check I've ever written......thats for sure, but it sure will be worth it when we find our we're PG!!!!). So off I go to an exam room, I got undressed, hopped up on the exam table, armed with my Ipod for afterwards. Shortly there after my doctor came in (Dr. Z.), and I was happy he was covering for the weekend, and not the other Dr. (not that there was anything wrong with the other Dr., I just don't know him at all). Anyhow, Dr. Z. came in, I "assumed the position", and in went the speculum (or as I like to refer to it, the sideways tire jack), he threaded the cath in and v'iola, all done!!!! As he was doing it, he told me that C.'s post wash count was very good, "good swimmers". Dr. Z. finished and said "all done!" to which I replied "Thats it?? Wow, Wham, Bam, Thank You Maam!!!!" We all had chuckle from that, and then the nurse helped me re-adjust on the table to settle in for about 15 mins. Before Dr. Z. left I wanted some reassurance about C's post wash count, and its official...........C has "super swimmers"!!!!

His post wash counts were as followed:

Count: 147 Million

Motility: 60%

and All Swimmers were Moving Forward!!!

I'm so proud of C's swimmers. (When I called him afterwards I told him he's officially the "Sperminator!!!")

So, I put on some relaxation music, and tried to chill out. However, once I was left alone in the room, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I think it was the creshendo of all the building excitement and nervousness, and then knowing it was over and done with. (well, the emotional rollercoaster from Bravelle didn't help matters at all, as I've been crying every day since AF rolled in to town). I laid there and every time I'd start a prayer to God I'd start crying all over again! I finally made it through a couple prayers, finished listening to a couple relaxation podcasts, and decided the mellow music was contributing to my uncontrollable tears, so I switched over to some Live Dave Matthews, and that calmed me right down (Dave does that to me, I listen to him and I find my inner calm).

No one came to roust me, they let me chill out in there, so I laid there for almost 3o mins. I finally got up, got dressed, and headed out. On the way home, I stopped at a fruit stand (gotta love Florida-- there's always a produce stand to get nice fresh fruit and veggies at). and I picked up a nicely ripened Pineapple for my Pineapple smoothies for the next several days.

I had my first smoothie today, and I must say, that if your going to attempt eating Pineapple core, this is the only way to go....... I didn't even know there was any core in there after it was all blended in (I made mine with fresh pineapple, vanilla yogurt, a little crushed canned pineapple with a little of the syrup it came in, and some ice and orange juice and it was really yummy but gave me instant indigestion!!!!)

So, thats been my day! I spent the rest of my day laying low, doing pretty much nothing. I even took a nap, which I never do in the middle of the day. It felt nice to chill out, relax and catch my breath.

Now the 2WW begins, and mine will be filled with optimism, hope and of course prayer. I so hope this is it....... I just know it is, and we're gonna be getting really great news in 13 days!!!!!

11 Hours til IUI time!!!

Jesus--
I'm soooo Nervous about this IUI tomorrow! I've gotten myself worked up enough today about tomorrow that I've been nauseous all day. My mind feels boggled and all I can think about is tomorrow.

I think part of me is nervous that its going to hurt like my HSG did last year. (my HSG was so horrible and I think has left me scarred!!!). The rest of me is nervous about this IUI not working and well....... I think its the money part honestly. You have to understand I am the biggest bargain hunter ever!!!! So to think about what else this money could be used for, solid sure things, spending it on the unknown is so scary to me!!! I need to stop focusing on that, and find a way to be at peace with it and move on with Positivity that this IS going to work.

I'm praying my butt off, my mom is praying her butt off........ I'm sure Craig is praying his butt off too.......... and when I finish this blog and take a shower, my last stop before bed will be lighting my prayer candle and saying the rosary.

I'm in the middle of loading some Relaxation podcasts to my ipod to listen to after the IUI, so hopefully that will put me in a good place after the deed is done!

I'm going solo for the IUI (could I say IUI one more time??) as C. has to work at 9 am....... I miraculously was able to find coverage for tomorrow at work-- I actually will go to work from 5 am until 7 am, then when my coverage arrives, I'll be truckin' down to my appointment (with a possible stop off/pick up from C. if that works out). Then I'll be laying low all day Saturday, hopefully letting everything snuggle right in!! I actually have a three day weekend (minus the two hours I'm working in the morning Sat), so its going to be a nice quiet relaxing few days coming up.

So, I guess thats it for now. Next time I post, I'll be in the mindset that I'm knocked up!!!!

Wish me Luck!!

IUI # 1 Set for Saturday!!

I went for another U/S this morning, and my Lazy Leftie Ovary, believe it or not, stayed in the lead, and is my lead follie at 17mm today. So the plan is to trigger tonight, and IUI#1 is set for 8am on Saturday morning!!!!!

It seems we've tried so hard to avoid this route for so long, being as we did get PG on our own back in Nov (well, with the help of meds, but no procedures), but the time has come to finally go for it.

Being an Out of Pocket Payor for this, however has got my nerves on end. The thought of throwing $700 down the drain with nothing to show for it, is weighing a bit heavy on me. I keep thinking about what else we could do with that money. It should be paying for part of our trip to NY in the fall when my brother gets married. It could be buying us a new dishwasher. It could, it could, it could................. the list goes on and on.

What I NEED to focus on is that IT COULD make our dream a realization!!!!!!! I need to keep reminding myself of that. I'm trying so hard to stay focused on the positives and that it finally feels like after forever, that things are finally clicking into place for us this month. Meds are working, determination is paying off, and things are moving in the right direction.

So, thats the plan and I hope beyond all hope that this IUI works. The thought of rolling into my EDD month (July 13th) without being PG, seems devistating to me, and I pray we don't have to add that challenge to the roster of all our other challenges.

So stay tuned for diaries of a madwoman in her 2WW!!!!