I've Joined the 30 Day Shred Fanatics.......

Well, since we seem to be in a holding pattern with TTC thanks to the crappy economy and a super long crappy streak of bad luck that just won't blow past C. and I, I asked C. to get me the 30 Day Shred DVD for my Birthday last month, since so many people have been raving about it.

This morning was Day 1 of "the Shred". It actually wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, although that Jillian chick is rather hard core. I actually kept up for the whole 20 mins which surprised me slightly since I've been slacking with going to the gym and haven't gone in a few months.

I will admit, however, that I do have a habit of swearing at the TV during exercise videos, and I did call Jillian a whore at about the 7 minute mark and I called her the Devil at about the 14 minute mark.........sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get through the exercise right?

So in lieu of my TTTC woes, for the time being I'll fill my blog with my trial and tribulations of the 30 Day Shred. I wonder how many more names I'll call Jillian in the next 29 days............

Regrets........

I was standing in the kitchen today doing dishes, and because I hate to do them, my mind always wanders to other things. My mind also always wanders every time I stand at the sink because it looks out at my angel garden statue and roses (the ones in the post below this).So today my mind wandered in part because a friend who I haven't been in touch with in a while found me on Fa.cebook. (she was more than just a friend honestly, she was my MOH in my wedding and we kind of just lost touch after my wedding in part that she lives 1500 miles away). So, I was thinking about that, which led me to thinking and wondering if I had never moved to Fl and stayed in NY, would things be different from the way things really are. NY has mandated fertility coverage, which I kick myself for almost daily, since I spent all my years as an adult in NY working in healthcare with top notch health benefits, and I never even knew I had any kind of coverage (not that I was in need of it back then but still). Now in writing this, I certainly don't mean I wonder about not being with my dh, thats not what I'm getting at.

What I'm getting at is the fact that if I had stayed up there, where I had better IF benefits coverage, how many children would I have by now!? How much shorter could have/would have my IF journey been?

And speaking of regrets, one of my biggest regrets that seems to haunt me quite often is the fact that I think I knew I had "girlie" problems for a long time, but never did anything about it. I always had weird/long/missed periods, and I never ever got PG (although I did have a couple "maybe I'm PG" moments along the way) with any of the boyfriends I had. I never took BCP's and my BF's very rarely used protection (I was always in a monogomous relationship when there was no protection). So, of course I think to myself, had I done the right thing back in my 20's and looked into the matter more, could some of my IF journey have been avoided or atleast lessened ?

I still blame myself for the fact that we don't have a child. I am the one who is broken, who needs to stick herself in the belly with needles and get poked and prodded multiple times a month with a Vag-Cam etc. I blame me for not taking better care of myself in the past...........

Had I done so, I wonder if my life now would be a lot different than it is. I try not to live my life with much regret. I generally look at things that don't go my way and try to find a lesson in what went wrong, learn from it, and move on knowing I won't make that same mistake again. But this is something I can't really learn from and not do again...........I guess all I can do is remain hopeful and keep believing that someday C. and I will be parents to a little one that is destined to bring joy and happiness and love to our lives.

An Epiphany of Sorts?

Yep, an epiphany. I was looking out my kitchen window today, and noticed my bird bath had tipped over in the wind last night (not really sure how as it is a cement bird bath, but nevertheless it fell over). I also noticed some beautifully blooming roses in my garden where the bird bath is. This garden is my "Angel Baby Garden". After I M/C'd, my family (aunts and cousins) sent me the beautiful garden angel statue you see in the picture above. Last May, I created my garden with the garden angel as the focal point, but spend hours upon hours selecting plants to go in my memorial garden for the little one we lost. I think I spent two hours picking out the perfect rose bushes (the ones you see above). There are a couple posts about it in my blog, probably May 2008, but I am a doofus and don't have a clue how to insert a clicky link here back to it.

So back to today. I was out fixing the bird bath, and trimming back some branches and bushes. When I was done, I stopped to really admire the beauty of the roses that are blooming. I looked at each rose bush carefully and my eyes then darted to all the blooms on each of the bushes. The 3rd picture above has larger roses and the middle picture has smaller tea roses. The larger rose bush has atleast 10 buds on it that will flower when they are ready and the smaller tea rose bush has 50 buds that will bloom!

Thats where my epiphany came to be! I stopped dead in my tracks, my breath caught and the tears started flowing like rain. It was then and there, at that very moment that I realized that we may have lost our little angel, but its spirit lives on in my garden. My baby couldn't survive inside me, but it thrives in the garden that was created in his/her honor. I was so touched and pleased to think that these rose bushes are doing so well, are thriving with help from our angel baby. Perhaps our little angel has come down and spread its spirit and "growing dust" about the garden and helped it grow the way it has. On a cloudy rainy afternoon, it was like someone was shining a bright light right down in front of me and I finally realized something I've been yearning to know for quite some time now.

I don't know if I'm even explaining it properly, but the emotion I felt and still feel from that is at times overwhelming, and my eyes are welling up with tears even as I type this hours later.

I guess after all this time since our loss, just shy of 17 months, this is one of the only times I have ever felt even a slightly positive sign about our loss. It feels good to think there is something a little positive about it, even if it is just something tiny.

Sorry..... Its been a rotten few weeks....

Its been a really rotten past few weeks, to say the least!! Obviously I'm not PG, or there would have been a HUGE post about that well before now.

Three days before I was supposed to POAS, C. called me 5 mins after he left for work, telling me he had been in a really bad car accident and couldn't breath! I went running from the house and flew the mile and a half to the scene to find him sitting on the curb trying to catch a breath. His car was totalled after a 74 year old woman pulled out right in front of him at an intersection and he couldn't stop in time, and T-boned her. She was ticketed, we spent 10 hours in the ER after he was taken via Ambulance, and after he endured neck and back x-rays, knee and ankle xrays, a CT Scan of the upper body, followed by passing out in x-rays (round 2) and another CT Scan to make sure he didn't have any internal bleeding. Good times....... thank God he is okay....although was very beat up and is still healing now, 3 weeks later.

So fast forward to 12 DPO, where I was toying with POAS with FMU, and I went in to PIAC, wiped and whammo-- AF arrived, making it a lovely 27 day cycle. So on top of dealing with all the stress of C's accident and trying to take care of him, we got slammed with a BFFN on top of it all.

Bad luck you say?? HA!! Wait, I'm not done! After two days of crying about the BFN, we decide that will roll into another cycle (Cycle # 35 for anyone counting) as I've still been off from work due to my work injury. I called and scheduled my CD3 U/S, hop up on the table only to hear MORE great friggin' news...... I had a HUGE cyst on my Left Ovary, and my RE wouldn't allow me to cycle, put me on BCP's and was told call back when AF starts up next month. And of course, I of little strength at that point, started bawling right in the middle of the RE's office, and practically ran out the door to the car, where I proceeded to call C. and give him the bad news, and then I cried the entire 40 minute drive home!

So how is all that for a big old pile of shit ass rotten luck? I swear C. and I have some of the worst luck around by far, we just can't ever seem to catch a break.

I'm honestly so beat down about it all, I just want to once again run away somewhere I don't know anyone and hide away forever. I have slightly "up" days and some "downright shitty" days and some days where I feel like I'm just wandering.

I've really started to consider the adoption route as I don't know how much more of all this I can take emotionally. I'm about to turn 37 in 6 weeks and feel like time really and truly is running out. I got some information in the mail today from Bethany Adoption Agency, but I'm not sure they would be the way to go for us, and it clearly states in their information that you need to make a statement about your strong Christian Faith in your application. I kinda question my ability to do that, after how my faith has been so tried and beaten down throughout our Infertility Journey. I don't know.... I'd like to think that we have a couple more cycles of trying in us atleast, before money runs out (we are certainly in no postion right now to even consider IVF (financially) nor has either of my RE's mentioned the fact that they feel we are a candidate for IVF-- during my last IUI, Dr. S. said, "In my opinion, I think you guys have just had some really bad luck") .

I don't know-- today is just one of those really crappy days for me where I'd like nothing more than to run away and hide and never look back. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.....

One Down, One To Go

Well, one week down, and one to go in the dreaded 2 WW! Will I test before 14 dpo? I'm betting thats pretty much a given! But not too early, maybe Saturday, 12 dpo, which I'm actually even on the fence about. When I got my BFP, I didn't test positive until 13 dpo and it was so faint, C. told me not to get my hopes up, especially on a PG test that cost $1!! When I had my Chemical Pg back in June after IUI#1, I got a BFP on 13dpo and on 14dpo, and then on 15 dpo, poof, it was gone-- on both $1 cheapies and on a digital.So if I follow history, it would dictate that I should wait until 13 dpo at the earliest to test right? We'll see, but I'm guessing I'll only be able to hold out until 12 dpo...... stay tuned to see what we decide! (Maybe I'll add a poll just for giggles).

I've been having some symptoms, but they could have nothing to do with anything, so I'm not even going to post them as I'm petrified I'll be jinxing myself for sure.

I also in some ways wish that Dr. S. hadn't talked so much about twins when he did my IUI, because since then I haven't been able to get the thought of twins out of my stubborn head! I'll be thrilled and blessed to get PG with one, but of course, as for most of us who have been dealing with IF for any amount of time, generally say that they would LOOOVE to have twins, especially if it means not having to go through anymore IF treatments. Now don't get me wrong, thats not my only reason for wanting twins, but it would solve the future IF battle for sure. C. and I have talked about it, and as much as I have always dreamed of having two children, if we are lucky and blessed enough to have one, I don't know that I could honestly go through all this IF again. Who knows though, I don't know what the future holds and can't say now what I'll feel down the road.

In other news, I am STILL out of work from my work injury. I have been out of work for 9 weeks now and went to see a Neurosurgeon today, who is keeping me out of work for another 4 weeks. Between now and then, I will be doing Cervical Traction which I believe will be just about as exciting as it sounds. It looks as though it will be some sort of weighted contraption that will pull up on my head and neck to hopefully get my two protruding discs in my neck to get back in alignment. Sounds like lots of good times doesn't it!?

I guess thats about all for now. Stay tuned and be sure to vote on my poll when I should test!!!

IUI # 2 Complete..... and Now the 2WW begins!!

Well, IUI# 2 is complete!
It was actually a really good and positive experience. I was up and in the shower at 5:45 am (it takes me forever to shower and get ready even though I'm low maintainance), I woke C. up at 6:30 am so he could ahem *take care of business*. To avoid any extra pressure on C. I actually left the house and drove up a couple blocks to sit so he'd have the house to himself and no distractions while he did his business (yes, I felt a little silly, but better to give him peace and solitude and have fresh swimmers than have to use the frozen sample on reserve). He called me just after 7, ready with Package in hand, I flew back to the house and grabbed it and ran. Last time I transported, we put it in an insulated cooler with a warm towel and it was fine, however it was actually a chilly morning here in Florida (it was in the low 40's this morning) so I decided to do the cup stash in my bra for the 35 minute ride to the RE and let me say, by the time I got to the parking lot of my RE, I was dying to get that hard plastic cup out of my bra-- it was digging into me (and the underwires weren't helping matters!

I dropped the "package" at the desk when I checked in, and sat and waited in the lobby for Go-Time. It was amusing to say the least! One guy totally fell sound asleep while his wife was in the back office. I mean LOUD snoring, groaning etc. Guess it was too early for him (it was a little after 8 am by that time). It was so loud actually that I couldn't hear the big plasma TV hanging on the wall. Then another guy came in and checked in and went to the bathroom in the lobby. I swear he was in there atleast 15 mins. There was all sorts of commotion going on in there, and I swear at one point it sounded like he was plunging the toilet. I can only imagine he took a big pooper something. After he finally surfaced from the bathroom, the guy sitting across from the bathroom jumped up and closed the door. I kept texting dh with all that was happening in the lobby-- I swear I could right a book! I had all I could do to not laugh right out loud at all of it!

So, anyhow, on to the important IUI details!! I knew by my appointment card from last week, that I was going to see Dr.S. today instead of Dr. Z (I think Dr. Z was down in a different office)so I was a bit apprehensive about him doing my IUI since I'd never even met him. I got back to the room and changed and was sitting on the table waiting. I heard noise outside the door, and then I heard this goofy sinister laugh, a knock on the door and in comes Dr. S. with a nurse and a student "observing", who thankfully never moved far enough into the room for a full money shot.

Dr. S. walked in and said "Hello Dear" (mind you he's only in his mid 40's). I said "um....that was an awefully sinister laugh you let out considering what you are coming in here to do!" We both laughed and he said "Well, I'm Dr. S and I'm the guy who's here to get your PG this morning" and followed it up with another sinister laugh. I told him that sounded mighty good to me! Then he jokingly said, "So-- how bout we shoot for Octuplets? Are you up for it??" I told him I'm adventurous but not nearly that adventurous! We talked briefly about what a jerkwad the Octo RE was and how irresponsible he was.

Then Dr. S. looked in my chart again before doing the IUI and said, "well with your follie count ( I had 3-4 very close follies on my right ovary) and Sperm count, how about we get you PG with twins instead?" Of course just the mere thought of that had me estatic, and I beamed "Yes!!! PLEASE!!!! I assumed the position, and thank heavens Dr. S was sooooo gentle, nothing pinched, nothing hurt, he was awesome and kept the talk light to take my mind off what he was doing. When he was just about done, he said, "your husbands sperm count was great-- 40 million post wash!!!" I said, "well thats great right?" and Dr. S. said "uh-- yeah-- thats double what you even need in there-- but since we're trying to make twins, we're gonna use it all."

After he was done, he had me get comfy on the table where he wanted me to lay for like 15 mins post IUI. Before he left the room I asked him about Progesterone supp's during the 2WW (and explained why I thought I might benefit because of the M/C and CP in the past) He told me he didn't really feel I needed supplementation based on my labs, and the fact that I had 3-4 follies and he believed atleast 2-3 of them would release, and then release Progesterone, so he felt no need to put me on Progesterone. He did tell me that if for some reason this cycle doesn't work there may be a few things he'd consider tweaking in my treatment plan, however, he feels that neither C. or I have any major problems, just that we've had a bad run of luck up til now.

Before leaving the room, he said, "Okay- call us in two weeks when you get a Postive Home test, we'll have you come in for some labwork and then two weeks after that we'll have you come in for your first U/S to see your TWINS!!!!"

He must have said "TWINS" like six times in the few minutes he was in the room with me. He was so postive and had such a great bedside manner that I'm actually glad he did my IUI today.

I laid on the table for like 15 mins with my Ipod after they all left the room. It is always such an emotional experience for me and I can't decide if it would be easier or not if C. was able to have been with me for either of them. Once everyone leaves the room, both times we've done IUI, I lay on the table and start crying. This time was a little bit easier than last time, but it was still tough. I think I just want this so badly and am really hoping and praying beyond hope that this will finally be our turn. I beam with joy and happiness at the mere thought of twins, but will be completely thrilled with even just one.

So, thats my IUI adventure. Now the glorious 2WW begins. So stay tuned for my many overanalyzations of every little twinge, tweak and cramp I get.

If you have any spare Baby Dust or a spare prayer or two, I'd certainly appreciate you sending a little my way. I'll take any and all help I can get.

IUI#2 is set for Monday!

Well, it looks like this cycle has shaped up pretty well so far. I went back for another date with the Vag-cam (aka U/S) on Wednesday, and my follies were growing well still. I didn't get much number-wise besides the lead follie was at 13 mm and I had two more on the right Ovary that were right behind the 13 (of course, my lazy Leftie ovary follie pooped out), but I am thrilled to have 3 good growing follies on my Right!!!! Usually I just have one strong follie and the others fall behind, so hopefully we'll get lucky and a couple eggs will release, thus increasing our chances!

Since Monday, I have bumped up my Bravelle dose to 225 iu a night, and that seems to have helped as well. I have one more night to take the Bravelle tonight and will be done with that. This month I am using Novarel instead of Ovidrel, and here's where I get NERVOUS!!! Novarel has to be given IM in my butt...... which means I can't do it myself.......which means C. has to do it for me!! I'm freaking out!!! I can handle doing my own shots, its not a big deal at all to me. But C. is a tad bit skiddish about doing the shot in my butt, and its NOT a small needle by any means, and he had to give me a shot in my butt one other time, and it was not pretty, and I think I have a bit of anxiety about it all these years later. I think it wouldn't bother me as much, if C. didn't make faces when he thinks about having to do the shot. His eyes get real big, and he wipes his brow, and says "whew" and shakes his head. Not relieving my anxiety at all!!!
We'll get through it, just like we always do!

IUI #2 is scheduled for 9 am Monday Morning (I have to be there at 8 am with C's stuff). The only bummer I'm worried a bit about, is that my appt card says Dr. S (Dr.Z's partner), so I'm thinking its not going to be Dr. Z. doing my IUI. I really like Dr. Z and have never met Dr. S. Dr. Z was so gentle the last IUI, I barely knew he was doing anything and he has a great sense of humor and is pretty mellow, and that keeps me calm and comforted. Hopefully Dr. S. will be as gentle and as kind. I can't let this stress me out, it is what it is, and there isn't anything I can do to change it at this point. I'm sure everything will be fine with Dr. S.

Hopefully this will be our cycle and we'll be on our way to parenthood. (it seems I write this, or something similar every cycle), and it generally hasn't worked out the way we wanted, but its a new year and I'm hopeful that this will be it for us!

Stay tuned for my IUI update on Monday and then the crazy 2WW will begin!