Ummmmm.....can't share anything yet!

Okay-- I've been MIA for a couple days.......

I had a mini-meltdown yesterday as I started having really bad cramping, and I swiped a tiny bit of pink after peeing, and I was certain that this cycle is over.

As of today, 13 dpo/IUI the jury is still out and there is no conclusive evidence one way or another. No other spotting except for once yesterday. Still having some weird cramping feelings that come and go (but not like AF dull achy cramps), I had nausea 1/2 the morning today at work.

The past few months AF has arrived like clockwork at 14 dpo (and by 12 dpo-13 dpo I have ALOT of spotting), and there is honestly no signs of AF as of the moment I type this Friday night........... so thats a really good sign right??

We did test today, and I'll keep the results of that to myself (and to C. of course) as to not reveal what we don't really know, and certainly I don't want to jinx our chances..........

So, thanks to those who've offered caring thoughts and messages this far (on here and via email), they really mean alot, and as soon as we might know something definative, I'll let be sure to post on the Nest and here when I'm ready to .

So again, thanks for all the well wishes, and please keep em coming....... we need all the prayers and positive thoughts we can get.

Much Love to all

Petrified . . . . . . . . . . .

So, if you read my previous post, you'll recall that C. and I decided that we would test on Thursday (tomorrow) which will be 12 dpo/IUI, but I am now officially petrified to do so!

A little background as to why:
I've been testing out the Trigger this month, (my trigger was done about 28 hours prior to IUI). On 9 dpo, I got a super faint line when I POAS, and I was totally thrilled thinking, my trigger has always been out by 7 dpo, so being that on 9dpo, it was actually 10dp trigger, so in my mind, it couldn't possibly still be the trigger right? Well, WRONG!!!! I flew out of bed on the morning of 10 dpo (like 5 am early) and ran in and POAS........ STARK WHITE TEST LINE!!! How the hell did it take my body 10 days to metabolize the trigger out!!!! Thats just crazy to me!!!

So, now that I'm 11 dpo/IUI and on the eve of test day, I'm shittin' myself and I'm a bundle of freakin' nerves!!!!! I honestly don't think that I can possibly take seeing another BFN this month. I honestly do not know how I will be able to handle it without finally going over the edge!!! I have been so positive this month, keeping an upbeat positive outlook, trying to be good to my body and mind. I've been praying alot, and C. and I have been lighting the prayer candles that I made for each one of us. (C. has actually brought a smile to my heart a couple times this past week, as I've come home from work when he's been home and he has taken it upon himself to light his prayer candle. So it touches me that he really is trying to stay postive about this month too).

So, back to the testing stuff, as I just went off a little of track there. I feel that honestly I'm better off waiting until Friday to test as that will be 13 dpo/IUI. The reason I'm feeling that way, is because back in Nov when I got PG, I didn't get a BFP until 13 dpo, and it was super super faint, then on 14 dpo, I got another bfp on a $ store cheapie followed by a bfp on a digital. Emotionally, I don't know if I can handle seeing another stark white test area tomorrow morning, without loosing my shit!!!

Meanwhile, I'm going nutso with all the symptoms I've having. Achy burning boobs/nips, nausea throughout the day, fatigue, and I've been having alot of dull achy pains in my lower right abdominal area. Not really cramps, just pinchy little pains......they come, last about 1 or 2 mins and then go away.

Its ridiculous as I go into each month, I think to myself, that I'm just so used to the 2WW, that nothing will throw me this month....... Ha!!!!! Every month it just gets worse and worse and worse. I'm honestly just so nervous about testing that I'm sick to my stomach.

The fear of getting another bfn this month is far far worse than heading into the cycle doing shots in my stomach each night, doing the IUI for the first time........ I'm honestly just so scared to see this month be a BFN.

I guess when C. gets home from work tonight, we'll talk it out, and he'll tell me to do whatever I think we should do and we'll go from there, but as it stands now, I honestly believe I'll be waiting until Friday to test.

So stay tuned, and if you wouldn't mind, send any positive thoughts and prayers my way for Friday morning!!!

My "Dear Baby" Letter....

Well, I've been on the fence wanting to write a "Dear Baby" letter to my little one that I pray to God is snuggling in as I type this, but I've been having trouble writing it. Its almost like I feel too vulnerable to write it, but I still feel so compelled to write it anyways, so here it goes:

Dear Wee One,
I just want you to know how very much you are wanted. How much you have been prayed for, for years now it seems. Both daddy and I yearn to welcome you to our world, to our lives, to our hearts. For so long we have wanted you, to complete our family. Your daddy and I love each other very very much, but we need you to complete the little part that is missing to make our lives' whole. We have cried for you, prayed for you, struggled to get you here, and will do everything we can to show you each and every minute of your life how very much we love you and how much you mean to us.

I pray that you will join us and be part of our life. I pray that you will have your daddy's big brown eyes and laid back temperment. I pray that you have my little nose and sense of humor. I pray that you will have the best parts of your daddy and the best parts of me all wrapped up into one little miracle of life that you will be.

You will have sooooo many people who will love you so very much and have wished and hoped for you just like daddy and I. There's MeMe Loretta (My mom) who has hoped and prayed for you to join us for years now. She will spoil you like no one else could ever come close to doing. She will steal you away every chance she gets and love you to pieces. She's always wanted a grandbaby to spoil rotten and you are just the perfect baby for the job. Grandpa John will spoil you like crazy too, and will teach you how to bowl when you get old enough!! There's Uncle Rich and Aunt Sue, who although they live kinda far away, will take pride and joy in spoiling you and loving you up every chance they get.

Then there is Grandma Donna and Grandpa Frank....... there is tons of love to be had from them as well. Grandpa Frank will surely teach you how to golf as soon as your old enough, and Grandma Donna will love you up and spoil you lots too!

The list goes on and on of all the people who would love nothing more than for you to join us and be part of our loving family.

There will never be alot of things I ask of you as my child, except to accept and give love, be a good person, and know you can always trust your daddy and I. The only other thing I want to ask of you, is to please snuggle into me, your mommy, and get nice and comfy and enjoy the ride for the next 9 months while you grow big and strong in mommy's belly.

Always remember how much daddy and I love you and how badly we want you to join us and be part of our family, our hearts, and our souls. I hope and pray in four or five days we get the BIG news we are desperately hoping for, and we'll know that you've heard our prayers and want to be with us as much as we want to be with you.

Love Always,
Your Mommy
_________________________________________________________

Okay, now that I have gotten that off my chest, I feel better, and it turns out not so vulnerable afterall. It feels good to put it down on "virtual" paper, as it makes it more real.

Today I am 8dpiui (for those not up on the lingo is 8 days past IUI).
I had alot of cramping days 1-4 past IUI. The last several mornings I've had some waves of nausea while at work (and at home), and one morning I even though my blood sugar might be low, so I checked it at work, and it was fine. I have been really tired and have taken a nap every day in the afternoon for the last 4 days and have been having jabs of pain in my bb's here and there. Today I have been having dull achy pains in my lower abdominal area, mostly on the right side. They actually start kinda sharp and then go dull and achy and then after a few minutes it fades away, then comes back a while later. I try and compare what I am feeling these past few days with how I felt when I was PG back in November, but I didn't know I was actually PG in the days leading up to my BFP so I don't really remember what I felt in those days leading up to it, aside from having weird spotting and wondering why the hell AF wasn't coming with all the spotting.

In alot of ways, I don't want any symptoms to be the same as when I got PG before, because it ended in a m/c and I'm afraid that if I feel the same things as before, it could end up a repeat of the last time.

I have been testing out the trigger (with OPk's because I keep forgetting to buy $ store tests) and this morning was very very faint, so hopefully tomorrow mornings' will show nothing and then when I do work up the guts to test, we'll know its not the trigger.

I did talk with C. to see if he wants to be home/with me when I test this month. (I usually sneak in a dollar store cheapie without him knowing and its usually right before AF shows her ugly ass, so that I don't crash from the disappointment so badly). C. says he'd really like to be with me when I test this month. (the month we got a bfp I woke him up at 430 am before I went to work, to make him look at the faintest bfp ever...... so faint that he told me not to get my hopes up and wait til I tested with something NOT from the dollar store..... then I tested that night while he was at work, and when the diggie popped up PG, I jumped in the car and drove to his job to show him. It wasn't the most romantic, exciting way to do it, but I couldn't have waited til he got home at 11 pm that night .....) So this time, I think he's hoping to be a bit more involved in it, and I'm fine with that, he can jump up and down with me in pure utter joy when we get good news!!!

As it stands now, I think we will test on Thursday morning as we are both off from work that day. That will be 12 dpo which may be a little too early, but hopefully not.

So here's to lots more wishful thinking, prayers and one great big GIANT BFP on Thursday. So if you have any extra baby dust to sprinkle my way I'd surely appreciate it!!

The slooooowest 2WW Ever!!!

Okay-- its Thursday, and I'm 5 dp IUI# 1........ I do believe it is the most torturous 2WW EVER for me!!! Seriously!!! I'm already over analyzing everything, and I mean everything!!

I've been having alot of twinges and pinchy feelings especially the first 4 days after IUI. I've been having boob pain, which I Never Ever have....... I'm very tired........ Hmmmmmm...PG symptoms...............if your 10 or 11 dpo/dp IUI.......... not 4 or 5 days!!!!! My nerves are totally going to be shot by next week at this time (which will be 12 dp IUI), Lord knows how I'm going to make it through this wait!!

Luckily I have some crafty projects to work on. I'm making all the invites for my SIL to be's Bridal shower, so I'm excited to have that as a distraction this weekend. I also need to start shopping around for a decent airfare rate for my mom and I to fly up to NY in August for the shower. (Yay!!!! A quick visit back up to my old stomping grounds!!!! I haven't been home since I went up for my Bridal shower in 2004!!! Oh-- I take that back, I went up last March while my Aunt was very very ill in the hospital-- all I saw was the inside of a hospital for a week and a friggin Nor'Easter snow storm (2 1/2 feet worth)). Anyhow, then C. and I are looking forward to spending two weeks in upstate NY in October when my brother and his fiance get married!!! And all I can say is I better be knocked up OR ELSE!!!!! (see how easily I can distract myself TEMPORARILY about getting PG, but it always comes back to the heart of the matter).

I really don't have much else to write about today, besides my ass-dragging 2 WW and the fact that I should be 37 weeks PG right now.......or better yet, theres a damn good chance that I would have been a Mommy by now. (My EDD from our November m/c is/was July 13th). Its funny, now that I write that, I cannot decide whether it should say my EDD is July 13 or it was July 13 or it should have been July 13. I guess no matter how you cut it, they all suck because none of them are going to happen!!!!!!!

Today's random picture is of Baby Snoopy. Back when C and I found out we were PG in Nov, we had decided that if it were a boy, the nursery would be done all in blues and baby Snoopy, and if it were a girl, some funky retro style room with browns and pinks....... In my heart, I was convinced it was going to be a boy, and I now worry that if we do get our BFP this month, and down the road we find out its a boy, can I use the same stuff or would that be cheating our little angel out of what would have been theirs? I'm so anxious about that.......I guess I should just concentrate on my body letting my little one snuggle in and worry about smaller details later right? (Did I mention that Joann's fabrics has an absolutely adorable baby Snoopy Quilt that you finish off yourself?? It is so cute, and it has appliqued baby Snoopy's and Woodstocks.......I'm totally in love with it, and each time I'm in there, which quite possibly is atleast once a week, I have to force myself NOT to buy the fabric. I'm convinced its a bad omen or will mess with the natural order of things...... or worse yet, I could never ever get PG again, and then I'd have this ridiculing Baby Snoopy Quilt to make me feel worse about my failures as a woman!!

Okay--enough worry and dwelling. As I wrote before, this month is all about being a better person, having faith and doing the right thing to get karma to dance around you and bless you with a wee one. So back to that!!!!

IUI # 1 COMPLETE!!!!!

Well, I survived IUI # 1!!!!!

Here's a recap of the day!!

I woke up bright and early, as I said in yesterdays blog, I had to go into work for 2 hours this morning before my IUI. So I woke up, got ready for work, said some prayers before leaving, and headed to work. I got all set up, got all four of my patients set up and dialyzing and started getting nervous as my relief coverage wasn't at work yet and I needed to drive 45 mins to my RE's office. (Meanwhile, back at home, C. was hard at work, trying to make his donation for this morning's IUI). C. called me at 6:45 am to happily report that his "donation" was done and ready-- I started to freak a little thinking he had done it a little too early and that I'd never make it the RE's office within the hour limit. ) I saw my work coverage pulling in the parking lot, reported off on my patients and ran out the door hollering to her on my way to the car.

I called C. and told him to be waiting with the sample at home so I could just pull up, grab it and get on the road. (C. couldn't go with me because he had to be at work at 9 am). So, as I pulled onto my street, and looked up towards my house, there stood C. at the end of the driveway ready to make the handoff (we had it wrapped in a warm towel in a little cooler). I grabbed it, got a kiss and said, "This has to be the most bizarre handoff ever right????" and off I went!

I made it to my RE's office in a record breaking 33 mins (it normally takes atleast 45 depending on traffic). I had a pretty clear ride, and luckily had some heavy footed drivers setting the pace in front of me, so we sailed at 70 mph alot of the way. I practically ran into the RE's office, signed in, and found NO ONE anywhere near the front desk!!! I started freaking, because I knew we were super close to the 1 hour mark. FINALLY, someone came out and I ran up to the desk with the sample, panicing, to let them know how close we were on time. The Andrologist took it, gave me paperwork to fill out, and off he went with "the package".

So, I sat in the lobby, with about 4 other couples, which was a little tough, as I was really wishing C. was there with me, but I managed, keeping my eye on the bigger picture. I brought a book to try to read to pass the time, but that was a waste, as I suspected it would be, as I read the same 3 pages about 4 times each, and still had no idea what I was reading. So then I put my Ipod on, and chilled out for a bit, while saying some of the Rosary, while trying to be discreet (I didn't want anyone to think I was loopy!!!)

Then, funny enough, one of the couples sitting across from me, live about 15 mins north of me and they were saying they were on IUI# 3, and if this didn't work, they were moving onto IVF which their insurance covered 100%. Boy, lucky them for that insurance coverage. Next to me sat and pair of girls, who come to find out, are a Gay couple TTC. This was IUI#3 for them as well, using donor sperm. At first, I was a little in awe, after hearing their plan, but then I kinda admired them after hearing their story, and how they "shopped" for their donor sperm. They even had a picture of the donor. I admired them for being brave to take this step, and for being so open about their journey.

The first couple were also very open about their journey thus far, and I admired the husband of the couple. He had gotten called in earlier to do his sample and of course, he HAD to feel all the eyes burning on him when he came back out to sit with his wife after he was done, he had to know we all knew what he was back there doing. He handled it like a trooper!! He and his wife were very open talking about his SA post wash results etc, and were very interested in the gay couples' journey. At one point, the husband even joked that with his good sperm count, he'd be a good donor, and maybe after his wife got PG, he'd make up a resume with his IQ and SA numbers, and of course his wife was giggling away and was a good sport about it.

Side effects of all the different meds we've been on was discussed, the hot flashes, the moodiness, the size of follies from various meds etc. It was actually refreshing to hear people be open and talk about their journey's and it just re-assured me that I'm not alone in all this. There really is a Common Thread in IF and how we are all linked together with the emotional and physical toll it takes on all of us......... Women and Men!!

So, at about 8:55 am I was called back for my IUI (of course they make you stop at the check out window prior, to pay your bill........ that was not the most fun $538 check I've ever written......thats for sure, but it sure will be worth it when we find our we're PG!!!!). So off I go to an exam room, I got undressed, hopped up on the exam table, armed with my Ipod for afterwards. Shortly there after my doctor came in (Dr. Z.), and I was happy he was covering for the weekend, and not the other Dr. (not that there was anything wrong with the other Dr., I just don't know him at all). Anyhow, Dr. Z. came in, I "assumed the position", and in went the speculum (or as I like to refer to it, the sideways tire jack), he threaded the cath in and v'iola, all done!!!! As he was doing it, he told me that C.'s post wash count was very good, "good swimmers". Dr. Z. finished and said "all done!" to which I replied "Thats it?? Wow, Wham, Bam, Thank You Maam!!!!" We all had chuckle from that, and then the nurse helped me re-adjust on the table to settle in for about 15 mins. Before Dr. Z. left I wanted some reassurance about C's post wash count, and its official...........C has "super swimmers"!!!!

His post wash counts were as followed:

Count: 147 Million

Motility: 60%

and All Swimmers were Moving Forward!!!

I'm so proud of C's swimmers. (When I called him afterwards I told him he's officially the "Sperminator!!!")

So, I put on some relaxation music, and tried to chill out. However, once I was left alone in the room, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I think it was the creshendo of all the building excitement and nervousness, and then knowing it was over and done with. (well, the emotional rollercoaster from Bravelle didn't help matters at all, as I've been crying every day since AF rolled in to town). I laid there and every time I'd start a prayer to God I'd start crying all over again! I finally made it through a couple prayers, finished listening to a couple relaxation podcasts, and decided the mellow music was contributing to my uncontrollable tears, so I switched over to some Live Dave Matthews, and that calmed me right down (Dave does that to me, I listen to him and I find my inner calm).

No one came to roust me, they let me chill out in there, so I laid there for almost 3o mins. I finally got up, got dressed, and headed out. On the way home, I stopped at a fruit stand (gotta love Florida-- there's always a produce stand to get nice fresh fruit and veggies at). and I picked up a nicely ripened Pineapple for my Pineapple smoothies for the next several days.

I had my first smoothie today, and I must say, that if your going to attempt eating Pineapple core, this is the only way to go....... I didn't even know there was any core in there after it was all blended in (I made mine with fresh pineapple, vanilla yogurt, a little crushed canned pineapple with a little of the syrup it came in, and some ice and orange juice and it was really yummy but gave me instant indigestion!!!!)

So, thats been my day! I spent the rest of my day laying low, doing pretty much nothing. I even took a nap, which I never do in the middle of the day. It felt nice to chill out, relax and catch my breath.

Now the 2WW begins, and mine will be filled with optimism, hope and of course prayer. I so hope this is it....... I just know it is, and we're gonna be getting really great news in 13 days!!!!!

11 Hours til IUI time!!!

Jesus--
I'm soooo Nervous about this IUI tomorrow! I've gotten myself worked up enough today about tomorrow that I've been nauseous all day. My mind feels boggled and all I can think about is tomorrow.

I think part of me is nervous that its going to hurt like my HSG did last year. (my HSG was so horrible and I think has left me scarred!!!). The rest of me is nervous about this IUI not working and well....... I think its the money part honestly. You have to understand I am the biggest bargain hunter ever!!!! So to think about what else this money could be used for, solid sure things, spending it on the unknown is so scary to me!!! I need to stop focusing on that, and find a way to be at peace with it and move on with Positivity that this IS going to work.

I'm praying my butt off, my mom is praying her butt off........ I'm sure Craig is praying his butt off too.......... and when I finish this blog and take a shower, my last stop before bed will be lighting my prayer candle and saying the rosary.

I'm in the middle of loading some Relaxation podcasts to my ipod to listen to after the IUI, so hopefully that will put me in a good place after the deed is done!

I'm going solo for the IUI (could I say IUI one more time??) as C. has to work at 9 am....... I miraculously was able to find coverage for tomorrow at work-- I actually will go to work from 5 am until 7 am, then when my coverage arrives, I'll be truckin' down to my appointment (with a possible stop off/pick up from C. if that works out). Then I'll be laying low all day Saturday, hopefully letting everything snuggle right in!! I actually have a three day weekend (minus the two hours I'm working in the morning Sat), so its going to be a nice quiet relaxing few days coming up.

So, I guess thats it for now. Next time I post, I'll be in the mindset that I'm knocked up!!!!

Wish me Luck!!

IUI # 1 Set for Saturday!!

I went for another U/S this morning, and my Lazy Leftie Ovary, believe it or not, stayed in the lead, and is my lead follie at 17mm today. So the plan is to trigger tonight, and IUI#1 is set for 8am on Saturday morning!!!!!

It seems we've tried so hard to avoid this route for so long, being as we did get PG on our own back in Nov (well, with the help of meds, but no procedures), but the time has come to finally go for it.

Being an Out of Pocket Payor for this, however has got my nerves on end. The thought of throwing $700 down the drain with nothing to show for it, is weighing a bit heavy on me. I keep thinking about what else we could do with that money. It should be paying for part of our trip to NY in the fall when my brother gets married. It could be buying us a new dishwasher. It could, it could, it could................. the list goes on and on.

What I NEED to focus on is that IT COULD make our dream a realization!!!!!!! I need to keep reminding myself of that. I'm trying so hard to stay focused on the positives and that it finally feels like after forever, that things are finally clicking into place for us this month. Meds are working, determination is paying off, and things are moving in the right direction.

So, thats the plan and I hope beyond all hope that this IUI works. The thought of rolling into my EDD month (July 13th) without being PG, seems devistating to me, and I pray we don't have to add that challenge to the roster of all our other challenges.

So stay tuned for diaries of a madwoman in her 2WW!!!!

This Is Dedicated To The One I Love.....

So, today's blog is dedicated to the wonderful man I fell in love with 8 1/2 years ago, married 3 1/2 years ago, and am more in love with as each day passes. (you know he has to love me, when I plop a Sombrero on his head in shop in Mexico and he lets me take his picture!!!)

If you've read any of my previous blogs, you'll know we've had some added struggles the past few months that has added on even more stress and frustration to our TTTC woes. Last month was a really rough month for us, filled with extreme frustration, let downs, breakdowns, and feeling as though we were at wits end. We worked our way through it, regrouped, came up with a plan that would hopefully work for "US" and moved forward.

I started my Bravelle shots 9 days ago, went for my cd 9 U/S on Monday, and our original plan was for C to make a "donation" on Monday that would be washed and frozen as a back up. Well that plan fell through as my clinic said they were too busy with too many procedures happening and they couldn't do anything until today (weds). So, despite C. getting pissed and frustrated about the timing getting messed up for his donation, we again found a way around it, and he was able to get today off and he made his appt to drop off "said donation".

Needless to say, despite much worry, and my tummy in knots all day at work, I HAPPILY got a phone call at 12:30 from C. telling me Mission Complete, and that the donation was in route!!!!!! I was so happy I could have cried and almost did. It wasn't without a few events, as nothing is ever simple with us, as we live 45 mins from my RE's office (and there was no way C was going to be able to do his donation anywhere but at home). So he was driving down to the RE, and traffic was a real bitch, so he was getting a little panicky that he wasn't going to make it in time, and started getting a little heavy on the gas peddle and was zipping in and out of traffic. Well, while zipping through traffic, he looked in his rear-view mirror and saw a Sheriff car right behind him and he thought for sure he was going to get pulled over and have to try to explain why he was driving the way he was to a WOMAN Sheriff .........."sorry officer, but I'm speeding a sample to Clearwater and I only have 30 mins to get there!!!!!!". Luckily, the sheriff turned off and didn't pull him over!! Whew-- crisis averted!!

Needless to say, I'm dedicating today's blog to C. for the wonderful man he is, and for despite his recent troubles and frustrations, I want him to know how very much I love him and that my love for him grows more and more each day. Each day I think I can't possibly love him more than I do, and the next day comes and I somehow love him even more than the day before!

He manned it up in the face of adversity, and he got the job done. I am so proud of him and his perseverance and for believing in himself the way I believe in him.

I am so thankful for him and can't imagine one day without him in my life.

So, Baby, if you happen to read this, it wasn't meant to spread your business to anyone, but to let you know how very I proud I am to call you my Husband.

As always, "Baby, I'm Amazed By You".

Live for Today

So I don't know if anyone watched Oprah today (and maybe it was a repeat, I don't know,as I usually don't watch her because the 8 million commercials drive me crazy), but today's episode was about people who have cancer and how they are choosing to live out their lives from the point they received the news about having cancer through whenever the end may be.

The first girl they showed was so inspirational. Her thought process was basically "We are all going to die someday, some sooner, some later".She stated "I think that life is just too sweet to be bitter. Once I was able to change my focus, desperation led to inspiration". When I heard her say that, I had a bit of a "lightbulb moment" if you will. I thought to myself, here is a women facing life threatening/ending Cancer and she has managed to dig down deep to find such enlightenment, and I'm walking around bitter about my inability to become PG. Atleast I have my health (well, besides my Infertility woes) and I am very fortunate to have a very close loving family and a great husband who loves me more than anything (and I love him just the same).

I thought to myself, when I consider the adversities that others are facing, are my problems really that bad?? When I think of it this way, in my mind I feel I shouldn't feel so slighted, like I have it worse than so many others. Can I immediately change my way of thinking? Probably not, but it is a goal I certainly can strive to move towards.

The past couple months, I've really changed my school of thought on alot of matters. Things I probably wouldn't have, had we not still been facing IF and the inability to have a lasting pregnancy.

The kindness of others around me over the last couple months has really shown me that there are ALOT of really good people out there and I've felt that since such kindness has been offered to me, that its my duty to repay that kindness to others as well. Thats how Karma works right? What goes around comes around.

I have so many wonderful girls I am forever thankful for and to, who out of the goodness of their own hearts have offered me help. Not only with support, but by offering me leftover meds that I would have been struggling terribly to afford had they not been so generous. For that kindness I am eternally grateful and feel so blessed to have been touched by their generosity.

So, in closing, my newest goal to work on will be trying to not be bitter about the cards IF has dealt me. I will remind myself daily to be thankful for all the blessings I DO have in my life. And of course, I will continue to keep my faith and hope alive for this cycle to be THE ONE!!

Added a New Blog!!

At the urging of some of my friends, I've created a new blog.

its called: Sew Me a Memory
(http://sewmeamemory.blogspot.com)
or you can link to it from this blog!

I'm a quilter and thought it might be nice to share my craft with others for them to build memories on.

So please feel free to check out the new blog, and be sure to check back often, as I'll be adding pictures of other quilts I've made.

CD 9 Stims check...HURRAY FOR Good Progress

Well,

I went in for CD 9 monitoring today. All good news!!

My lining is thickening up, and I have a lead follie on my right Ovary that is 11 mm and a lead follie on my Left that is 12 mm!!!!! In the past umpteen cycles, I've always had development on the Right Ovary, but never any on the left. I always refer to my Left ovary as my "Lazy Leftie!!". Well, so far, Leftie is in the lead!!! Waaahoooo!!! So the plan is to continue 150 iu Bravelle for the next three nights, and will return to my RE's for another U/S on Thursday. I imagine we will be triggering on Thursday at some point depending on whether or not we decide to do IUI, and then its go time!!! This IS going to be our month, I just really feel it deep down inside me. I'm praying so hard that this will be it.

So thats the update from "Operation Get Pregnant"!!!

I don't really have much else to chat about tonight, I'm pooped and ready for bed........ but, I do want to get back into the daily random picture as I've gotten away from that.........

These are a couple pictures of my Trumpet Tree out in front of my house (these are also known as Brugsmansia). The open up at night, and the smell that comes from them is incredible. You can smell them when they are blooming as soon as you open the front door. They actually hang down as you can see from the 1st picture, but I lifted one up to show how unique and pretty they are, not to mention how BIG each flower is!!!!!

Okay--

thats it, I'm off to bed, tomorrow is another day (and luckily a day I'm off from work!!)

Interesting Fertility Prayer

In perusing the web today, I came across this while searching for Infertility Prayers, and man oh man, how true this is......
I guarantee that if you are suffering from IF/TTTC, you can relate to atleast 5 of these!!!

Here's the Prayer:

Lord, Give me Strength...
To keep my cool when another period starts.

To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.

To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.

To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.

To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.

To make the right decision about treatment.

To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

It's helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Infertility is...

Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.

Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.

Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".

Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.

Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?

Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.

You could have written this yourself couldn't you?? I know I could have!!!! I'm pretty sure that throughout my IF journey, I've heard every single one of these but 1 or 2!!! Atleast this lets us know we are not alone right??

Okay..... I'm better today!!

Sorry for the meltdown in Wednesday's post! It was an overwhelming day, where I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, more so than usual. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still super sweating this cycle out and worrying my ass off every waking minute and probably some of my sleeping ones too).

Injectibles are going well.......as I drew up tonight's dose, my mind wandered (I"m in nursing, so meds come as a mindless thing for me to do) to how differently I view the injectibles daily shots as compared to last month. Last month, I'd start sweating it out about 40 mins before my shot was due, I was uptight and tense and cringed through each shot (after being meticulous about icing my tummy before each shot). This month, its all second nature, and I wondered to myself , why the hell did I have myself so uptight last month. This month, no stressing over the shots, no icing my belly etc. So atleast that part of this whole thing is making it a wee bit easier.

I go for my CD9 U/S and E2 on Monday, and I expect to have just about the same development at that point as I did last month, and then will hopefully be ready to trigger by the end of the week!!!

The other day my mom and I were talking about praying and that she felt it would be helpful to light a candle everyday (a prayer candle) and use it to reflect and pray for guidance and God's help to get PG this month. I did go out a buy a candle that I will do just exactly that with. I also came across this website tonight, and thought it was really neat. You can light a virtual candle that stays lit for 48 'virtual' hours. You can say a prayer or use the experience to reflect on things. Its really pretty neat. If you are a prayer, I'd suggest checking it out!

Here is the link:
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/enter.cfm?l=eng

I guess I'm going to cut todays blog short. I'm exhausted from working 5 11 hour days in a row this week, and I'm starting to fall asleep while I type this....... I really need to take the dogs out and get my butt today. The only thing left to say, is TGIF............

Tomorrow, I'll bring the daily randoms pics pack!!!

Awww..Christ........ I think I need a break from it ALL!!!!

DISCLAIMER****If you are PG, and are reading this, please either don't read it or DO NOT Take personal offense to what I am about to write!!!
***************************************************************************
I seriously can't take it anymore.......

I swear to God, if I see one more person say they are PG, I'm going to LOOSE MY SHIT!!!!! I seriously can't take this anymore. I'm so beat down and feeling so hopeless about ever getting PG!!
While I am happy for my buddies on the TTTC board when they get their BFP's I cannot help but feel such envy and keep asking myself why does everyone else deserve to get PG and here I sit....... Not PG another month.

What is biting at my heels at a very quick pace is the fact that I should be less than 5 weeks from my original EDD for our little one-- I was due 7/13/08....... and here I sit all these months later with nothing........nothing but heartache......nothing but pain and envy, nothing but emotionally drained frustration and worry. I guess I' m just beat right down to nothing.

I feel like I'm so on edge and don't know how to stuff the angst back down. Even at work toay, we had girl filling in from another clinic, who is nothing short of one of those "I don't even know you, but I'll share my life story with everyone and anyone!!!" kind of people. Oh, and did I mention that within 10 minutes of meeting her, she informs all of us that she was recently kidnapped and carjacked, followed by the fact that she lives in a NUDIST COLONY!!!!!! I can't make this shit up!!!

So,I'm on the computer checking a few things and she stands next to me and here's how the convo goes:

Nudie chick: "So, do you have any children?"

Me: "Nope" and I turn away from her (obvious I don't want to talk about it right?) Nope!

Nudie Chick: "Well, I have one daughter who will be 18 in August. I always thought I'd have more kids that just her, but I just never did"

Me: Hmmmmm...... (then said a few curse words-- pretending I was cursing at the computer, but those words were meant for HER!!)

Nudie Chick: "Yeah, well, they say now, that once you are 35 or 36, you shouldn't even bother trying to have kids after that point!!!! Not much success and not such a good deal ya know!!??"

Me: SPEECHLESS and stunned....... for fear of telling her to Fu_k off, I stood up and walked away!!!

Seriously, if you don't know me, and what's going on in my life, just shut the hell up right??? Christ I wanted to pop her right in the chops and tell her to drag her ass back to her nudie camp!!!!

I'm just at a loss and I feel very alone on this journey. I feel like my husband is often detached from me, and thats probably because he has his own demons to deal with in this whole mission, but I just feel alone. He tells me I don't understand his issues, and perhaps I don't, but I'm trying so hard to understand and help him through it. He seems to just put up a wall and not want to talk about it or deal with it and that just doesn't seem to be working..........for either of us. I don't think he can even begin to understand the magnitude of what I am feeling (not just 3 times a month when he has pressure to perform) but every single minute of my every single day. I am so consumed by all of this that its just overwhelming!! I wish that Craig and I could switch places for a couple days to better understand how the other is feeling.......maybe then we could find an easier way through all this shit!!

Its not that I don't think anyone else understands. There is a board of women just as bad off (if not worse that me) on the message board I frequent, that know exactly the place I'm in right now. Beyond that, no one has a clue, not even my husband.

I'm praying..........alot! For God to keep giving me the continued strength to go on and not quit or give up. To not let this defeat me. I hope he hears my prayers and helps me and my husband......for this to be our month.

Everything does seem to be clicking in place timing-wise fo this cycle....... I got coverage at work for 2 hours on Monday for my CD9 U/S and labs, and I was able to trade days off with someone incase we do IUI and I need that day off for it.......... hopefully these are all signs that we are headed in the right direction with a BFP at the end of the road.

So, if you made it through this, I pray I haven't offended you by my comments, I just needed to get it all off my chest........ and find a way to breath through all this.

Sorry, no random picture to post tonight-- I'm not in a cutesy picture kind of place tonight.

And Once Again........We're Off!!

Goofy Girl Jazzmine!!!!!



Harley boy when he was younger!!


Pearl-- Kitty with an attitude!!
Today's random pictures--- My Furbabies!!

Okay--


Cycle # 25 (twenty-FRIGGIN-five!!!!)


Christ!!!! Enough is enough already don't you agree???


Anyhow. when I got out of work today, I hopped in the car and drove 45 mins to my RE to get Bravelle they loaned me and then drove 45 mins back home. Traffic was a total bitch and on the way down, I called 911 on an asshole in a car in front of me who kept turning around and smacking the shit out of a young kid in the backseat who appeared to not be wearing a seatbelt. I let it go the first time I saw the asshat turn around and smack her, but after he did it again, I lost it.......and we're not talking one little smack, he was hitting her over and over again. I grabbed my phone and called 911, and they connected me with local police, and I reported it, gave them the make and model of the car, and the license plate. I trailed it for a little bit, but had already driven past my RE's office, so the police even asked what traffic lane they were traveling in etc, so I hoped the nabbed the asshole!!!!! I cannot stand people being mean to a young child!!! Discipline is one thing, but smacking a kid over and over and over is totally not okay!!! Fu#ker!!!!!





Okay--enough ranting about that!!





So, day one of Bravelle injections done!! It felt surreal before doing it, as it almost felt like I hadn't stopped doing them from last cycle. I guess maybe thats because my Clomid cycles always felt like an eternity with little progress..... and now stimming on Bravelle for 10 days a cycle has come quickly and lasts longer than 5 days of evil Clomid. Hopefully we'll have the same progress as we did last month and stay right on track!





It's amazing how quickly you fall back into the "stress zone" with each cycle that starts---- I just did my first shot at 6 pm tonight, and I'm already sighing every two seconds. I guess its a "tell" when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed......... I guess sighing is better than wigging out right?





In my final news, Craig has just informed me that the white chest hair he pulled out on Sunday seems to be multiplying at a rather quick rate!! He found another one that he pointed out to my yesterday, and the one he found today he says was "SUPER LONG!!" I don't really have the heart to tell him, its only the beginning, and he better start bracing himself for the not-so-far-off future!! I'll let him figure that out for himself!!!

Cycle # 25..... Here's the Plan!

Random Picture(s) of the Day!

These are a couple of sunrise pictures from our trip at Easter time to St. Augustine Beach, FL. There is not much more peaceful in this world then starting the day at the beach, watching the sun coming up. As the sun comes up, your soul calms, you breath in the fresh ocean air and calm and clarity washes over you. I miss living on the beach. When we first moved to Florida from Upstate NY, we lived in Madeira Beach. The little cottage we lived in was right on an inlet of Boca Ciega Bay and a beach ramp was about 600 feet up the street from us. We'd walk over every night to watch the sun set, and let Jazz swim in the gulf of Mexico. Now we still live very close to the Gulf of Mexico, but its more rocky where we are, and not really beachy, but there is a wonderful beach about 20 mins away, and Clearwater Beach is a 40 min drive away, so we're still in a great spot, no complaints here!!

Okay, enough of that.

IF Reality check:

After three phone calls back and forth with my RE's nurse today, we have a plan in place. We're opting to not do CD3 monitoring per my RE (he felt I didn't need it last month, and everything was just fine with my progress through the cycle) so I'm fine with that (and thankful as I have a Crazy week at work this week-- I usually work four 10-11 hour days per week and this week someone is on vacation, so I'm working 5 11 hour days....... and those days start at 5:30 am....... so there's not much time to fit anything else in this week!!!

I start my Bravelle injections again Tuesday night, and will do 150 iu /night. I have to run to my RE's office (45 min drive) tomorrow when I get out of work, as I'm waiting on my Bravelle to arrive in the mail, and don't have enough to start tomorrow night..... so my RE's office is loaning me a few vials til I get mine and I'll pay them back the two vials once I get mine. I will go in on CD 9 for an U/S and E2 level and then we'll take it from there. We're on the fence with doing IUI, which we are definately leaning towards, and we're thinking about doing a frozen sample as back up d/t problems we've had the past couple cycles. We'll use a fresh sample should we be able to provide that, but it will be a big load off (no pun intended) to not feel hopeless as we'll have the backup ready to go.

So thats the plan, and I'm already praying to God, pleading my case, asking for His help and I sure hope he hears my prayers and helps us put an end to this journey. I'm so beyond ready for this struggle to be over.

You'll notice I've added some music to my blog, if you didn't notice, take your computer off mute! 8o)~

The first song on the player, is Journey's new song, "After All These Years". I heard it the first time on Ellen, and cried, and each time I listen to it I get all choked up. It talks about making it through alot of challenges in life as a couple.......its very moving and I predict it will be a big hit when it really hits the airwaves....... Its already won me over! The second is Jason Aldean, "Laughed until we cried" which I almost didn't put on the playlist, simply because it seems to almost have become the IF poster-child song if you will, but its still meaningful and if you've experienced IF, you can relate to this song and it almost gives you a ray of hope that maybe, just maybe, it will happen for you too! 3rd song is "Amazed" by Lonestar. That is "Our" song. We told each other we loved each other for the first time to that song, and it was our first dance song at our wedding. Everytime I listen to it, it makes my heart smile when I think about the joys in our life as a married couple.

Okay, I'll stop rambling now, but definately listen to the Journey song, even if you don't listen to the others......... it will move you!

Please Vote for Our Friend!!!!

Okay--

I usually don't do this kinda of thing, but this would be soooo cool if they could win, so here it goes!!

A good friend of ours has been selected as one of three finalists for a chance to play live on stage with YES!!! But before they can win, they need VOTES!!!Please help them out.......they are are great band (with an amazing drummer, Chris) and this would be a chance of a lifetime for them!!!They are the third band, THE EIGHTFOLD WAY!!

Here the link:http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LmFkZGljdGVkdG9ub2lzZS5jb20vY29udGVzdC8/bmFtZT15b3VyLW1vdmUtd2l0aC15ZXM= You can vote 8 times a day and can vote every day through June 6th!!!At the very least, check them out at that link.....its goooood stuff!!!

This isn't some C&P from 100 other people, this is actually our good friend (actually Craig and the drummer, Chis have been friends for 30 years!!!!!!!!! Holy Crap!!)

So, I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to go vote!!

Thanks a bunch!!

Sunday.....Sunday

Well, as you know by my previous post, AF is here, and therefore its the beginning of my cycle, so basically, there's nothing to talk about yet, besides the fact that I'll be calling my RE tomorrow morning, to put the wheels in motion for this cycle, and discuss doing IUI (and doing a frozen back up sample). Beyond that, it would all just be blah blah blah, my cycle, blah, blah, blah. Yes, believe it or not, I too have days where I just get bored with talking about my consumed IF life.

So, onto my random picture for the day. (actually pictures today). Last year when we bought our house, we ripped out all of the front landscaping, which you can see by the bottom picture (before). We spent 3 days cutting down shrubs and digging up tree roots and plants and more roots. Some of those shrub roots ran 15 feet across.......it was insane!! I spent a week researching, planning and shopping for just the right plants for the area, and then all by myself dug up and installed the pond. The middle picture is the garden one year ago, after everything was planted. The 1st picture, is one year later. Its amazing how fast and huge things grow here in Florida. When I'm not obsessing about IF, I really do enjoy gardening. Something about putting your hands in the dirt connects you with Mother Earth and soothes your soul. (now if it just weren't so damn hot down here, I'd be able to enjoy gardening through the summer).

Lets see.....what else.........

Oooooohhh....my poor Craig..... he was getting ready for work this morning and came out of his bathroom as I was busy sorting laundry and whining about it at the same time. As I'm carrying on about all I have to do today, he is holding his hand up saying, "Look!!" So I think he's being a smart ass and showing me the worlds smallest violin or something like that...... so I move in closer, and keep saying "What.........what are you talking about". To which he replies..........

"LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!! I was looking in the mirror and saw this and thought, thats a weird looking dog hair!!........ Well, its not a dog hair, I pulled it out of my chest and its a WHITE HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!" I couldn't help but laugh out loud!! Cruel of me you say? I think not!! I've been having to color my hair since I was 22, since I am blessed with premature gray hairs thanks to my Mom!!! So did I feel bad for him with one hair........ not so much!!! I personally wouldn't fret too much about it til I saw a white pubie, but thats just me! LOL

I guess thats about all........hopefully my RE will have some Bravelle to loan me to get me started tomorrow until my other Bravelle arrives and off we go!!!

Wish me luck for this cycle as I don't know how I'm going to handle my EDD in July if I'm not PG by then....... I think for sure I'll be crushed!!