Update....New York Here We Come!!

Let me first start by apologizing AGAIN to those that follow my blog, as I've continued to be a blog slacker!! I promise it will get better, and very soon at that!!

Everything is in motion...........Finally!!! After many many months of deliberating and hemming and hawing and a lot of planning, we are finally ready to move back to the great northeast!!! Upstate NY here we come! Our entire house is packed up (for the most part), we pick up a U-haul on Sunday 9/6 and will spend Sunday and Monday packing it up and will start our journey north on Tuesday morning bright and early.
We are so excited and thrilled to go-- for the most part anyways...... I am heartbroken about leaving my mom here in FL. She is young though and healthy Thank God and is very very encouraging, just like a good mom should be, and she is thrilled we are getting to move back north. My mom and her Boyfriend are not very happy here in FL either and I anticipate that within a year or so, they will move out of FL too, perhaps to one of the Carolinas, which is great, the closer the better. I am an emotional basketcase when it comes to leaving my mom. I cry everytime I think about it, I cry when I see her and think about not being 5 minutes from here. I guess even at 37 years old, I can't seem to really cut the apron strings. I have said all my life that if I can ever be half the mom my mother is to my child, I'd be the luckiest girl in the world. (However we just can't seem to get there with having a child! Hopefully that will change when we get up to NY and I get a new RE and get crackin' with our treatments again, which I am desperately anxious to do!!)

I must say it is bittersweet to be packing up our life here though. We've lived in this house for 7 years, and owned it for the last 2 years. We took it from something okay and made it our home. We put so much blood sweat and tears into making it our home. We painted every single room in this house (some even have been painted twice). I spent 25 hours doing a faux finish on my kitchen and dining room to make it look like a tuscan/wine themed little slice of heaven (yes you read that right .....25 hours doing Frottage with balls of saran wrap). We spent endless hours ripping out tons of overgrown landscaping and planning and putting in all new stuff. We changed every light fixture in this house (a couple of which aren't paid off yet on the Home Depot card), spent hours diliberating on the perfect color to paint the living room to match the new furniture we'd bought, and when I painted the color on the wall, it looked like prison cell gray, so we bought 2 new gallons of paint in a different color..... its going to be a little hard to leave behind years of hard work and pride. We absolutely HATE our dirtbag neighbors and cannot wait to leave this neighborhood behind. C. and I said we are going to have a grand parade down our street the morning we leave (which will be at 5 am) and we are going to lay on the car and uhaul horns to wake up all the dirtbags!! Believe me, it would be sweet payback for all the shit the assholes on our street have put us through over the years!!

I guess thats beauty of moving on for a new start. Along with great memories, we will be leaving behind some bad memories as well. Like our painful journey through Infertility and through our Miscarriage. Perhaps a new start in our old stomping grounds (we were both raised in Upstate NY), back in a slower pace of life around a lot more of our friends etc, things will make a big turn around for us and we'll know the move we made was the best decision for us.

Well, I suppose I should wrap this up and get some more packing done around here. Tuesday will be here before we know it!! So, my next entry should be from the great state of New York and I can't wait to be in a New York State of Mind!!!

In Honor

Let me start by saying I've been a horrible slacker at blogging. So if you follow and have been checking in here, I apologize for my slackerness (I'm sure thats not a word but it sounds good). Things --and by things I mean life-- has been crazy around here. We currently live in FL and are actually planning to move back to the small little mountain town I grew up in up in Upstate NY, most likely within the next two months at the latest. We've listed our house on the market, and have had some interest, despite the fact that the market stinks. So, we are keeping our fingers and everything else we can cross crossed in hopes that we will soon be New Yorkers once again, and I'll be blogging from the comfort of my deck in NY looking out at the mountains and a whole lot of natural beauty.

I don't really have any TTC news as we've put that on hold for the next few months as money is a bit tight while we save to move, plus we are both super stressed out so not the best time to try to press through another IUI (next up will be # 3 .... Ugh!) So thats all there is to say about TTC for now. As soon as we are back on track and trying, my blog will make a turn back to TTC. I am a bit nervous about finding a new RE up in NY, as I fear the closest ones to where we'll be living will be over an hour away, but I'm used to having to travel a bit to get anywhere from where we will be living.

So on to the other big reason for posting tonights blog. Today is the 15 year Anniversary of my dad passing away. My dad died far too young, only 48 years old of a major heart attack. I was only 22 years old. I miss him as much today as I did 15 years ago. I don't really have anyone to talk about how difficult loosing him was as none of my friends or C. have ever experienced the loss of a parent, so they really don't get it. They offer support and hugs, but it really is hard not having anyone to talk it out with who really gets it or has been there. I won't go on and on about it, I just feel the need to get it down on virtual paper atleast, so I don't keep it all in.

My dad was a really great man. A dedicated hard working family man. He and my mom were married 28 years when he passed away. He took care of all of us very well, and we all knew how much he loved us. I have a lot of great memories of him that I will carry with me always. I came across this nice poem that made me think of my dad, so I will close this post with it.

To my dad, I just want to say, I love you very much and I hope and pray everyday that you are at peace and that although you didn't get to experience so much of our lives here on earth, I take comfort every single day knowing you are taking wonderful care of the baby we lost, your grandchild, up there with you in Heaven.


We thought of you with love today
But that is nothing new,
We thought about you yesterday
And days before that too.
We think of you in silence
We often speak your name,
Now all we have are memories
And your picture in a frame.
Some may think you are forgotten
Though on earth you are no more,
But in our memory you are with us
As you always were before.
A million times we've thought of you
A million times we've cried,
If loving could have saved you
You would have never died.
You left us beautiful memories
Your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you
You are always at our side.
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you did not go alone,
Part of us went with you
On the day God called you home
.Forgive me Lord,
I'll always weep
For the best father I loved,
but could not keep

I've Joined the 30 Day Shred Fanatics.......

Well, since we seem to be in a holding pattern with TTC thanks to the crappy economy and a super long crappy streak of bad luck that just won't blow past C. and I, I asked C. to get me the 30 Day Shred DVD for my Birthday last month, since so many people have been raving about it.

This morning was Day 1 of "the Shred". It actually wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, although that Jillian chick is rather hard core. I actually kept up for the whole 20 mins which surprised me slightly since I've been slacking with going to the gym and haven't gone in a few months.

I will admit, however, that I do have a habit of swearing at the TV during exercise videos, and I did call Jillian a whore at about the 7 minute mark and I called her the Devil at about the 14 minute mark.........sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get through the exercise right?

So in lieu of my TTTC woes, for the time being I'll fill my blog with my trial and tribulations of the 30 Day Shred. I wonder how many more names I'll call Jillian in the next 29 days............

Regrets........

I was standing in the kitchen today doing dishes, and because I hate to do them, my mind always wanders to other things. My mind also always wanders every time I stand at the sink because it looks out at my angel garden statue and roses (the ones in the post below this).So today my mind wandered in part because a friend who I haven't been in touch with in a while found me on Fa.cebook. (she was more than just a friend honestly, she was my MOH in my wedding and we kind of just lost touch after my wedding in part that she lives 1500 miles away). So, I was thinking about that, which led me to thinking and wondering if I had never moved to Fl and stayed in NY, would things be different from the way things really are. NY has mandated fertility coverage, which I kick myself for almost daily, since I spent all my years as an adult in NY working in healthcare with top notch health benefits, and I never even knew I had any kind of coverage (not that I was in need of it back then but still). Now in writing this, I certainly don't mean I wonder about not being with my dh, thats not what I'm getting at.

What I'm getting at is the fact that if I had stayed up there, where I had better IF benefits coverage, how many children would I have by now!? How much shorter could have/would have my IF journey been?

And speaking of regrets, one of my biggest regrets that seems to haunt me quite often is the fact that I think I knew I had "girlie" problems for a long time, but never did anything about it. I always had weird/long/missed periods, and I never ever got PG (although I did have a couple "maybe I'm PG" moments along the way) with any of the boyfriends I had. I never took BCP's and my BF's very rarely used protection (I was always in a monogomous relationship when there was no protection). So, of course I think to myself, had I done the right thing back in my 20's and looked into the matter more, could some of my IF journey have been avoided or atleast lessened ?

I still blame myself for the fact that we don't have a child. I am the one who is broken, who needs to stick herself in the belly with needles and get poked and prodded multiple times a month with a Vag-Cam etc. I blame me for not taking better care of myself in the past...........

Had I done so, I wonder if my life now would be a lot different than it is. I try not to live my life with much regret. I generally look at things that don't go my way and try to find a lesson in what went wrong, learn from it, and move on knowing I won't make that same mistake again. But this is something I can't really learn from and not do again...........I guess all I can do is remain hopeful and keep believing that someday C. and I will be parents to a little one that is destined to bring joy and happiness and love to our lives.

An Epiphany of Sorts?

Yep, an epiphany. I was looking out my kitchen window today, and noticed my bird bath had tipped over in the wind last night (not really sure how as it is a cement bird bath, but nevertheless it fell over). I also noticed some beautifully blooming roses in my garden where the bird bath is. This garden is my "Angel Baby Garden". After I M/C'd, my family (aunts and cousins) sent me the beautiful garden angel statue you see in the picture above. Last May, I created my garden with the garden angel as the focal point, but spend hours upon hours selecting plants to go in my memorial garden for the little one we lost. I think I spent two hours picking out the perfect rose bushes (the ones you see above). There are a couple posts about it in my blog, probably May 2008, but I am a doofus and don't have a clue how to insert a clicky link here back to it.

So back to today. I was out fixing the bird bath, and trimming back some branches and bushes. When I was done, I stopped to really admire the beauty of the roses that are blooming. I looked at each rose bush carefully and my eyes then darted to all the blooms on each of the bushes. The 3rd picture above has larger roses and the middle picture has smaller tea roses. The larger rose bush has atleast 10 buds on it that will flower when they are ready and the smaller tea rose bush has 50 buds that will bloom!

Thats where my epiphany came to be! I stopped dead in my tracks, my breath caught and the tears started flowing like rain. It was then and there, at that very moment that I realized that we may have lost our little angel, but its spirit lives on in my garden. My baby couldn't survive inside me, but it thrives in the garden that was created in his/her honor. I was so touched and pleased to think that these rose bushes are doing so well, are thriving with help from our angel baby. Perhaps our little angel has come down and spread its spirit and "growing dust" about the garden and helped it grow the way it has. On a cloudy rainy afternoon, it was like someone was shining a bright light right down in front of me and I finally realized something I've been yearning to know for quite some time now.

I don't know if I'm even explaining it properly, but the emotion I felt and still feel from that is at times overwhelming, and my eyes are welling up with tears even as I type this hours later.

I guess after all this time since our loss, just shy of 17 months, this is one of the only times I have ever felt even a slightly positive sign about our loss. It feels good to think there is something a little positive about it, even if it is just something tiny.

Sorry..... Its been a rotten few weeks....

Its been a really rotten past few weeks, to say the least!! Obviously I'm not PG, or there would have been a HUGE post about that well before now.

Three days before I was supposed to POAS, C. called me 5 mins after he left for work, telling me he had been in a really bad car accident and couldn't breath! I went running from the house and flew the mile and a half to the scene to find him sitting on the curb trying to catch a breath. His car was totalled after a 74 year old woman pulled out right in front of him at an intersection and he couldn't stop in time, and T-boned her. She was ticketed, we spent 10 hours in the ER after he was taken via Ambulance, and after he endured neck and back x-rays, knee and ankle xrays, a CT Scan of the upper body, followed by passing out in x-rays (round 2) and another CT Scan to make sure he didn't have any internal bleeding. Good times....... thank God he is okay....although was very beat up and is still healing now, 3 weeks later.

So fast forward to 12 DPO, where I was toying with POAS with FMU, and I went in to PIAC, wiped and whammo-- AF arrived, making it a lovely 27 day cycle. So on top of dealing with all the stress of C's accident and trying to take care of him, we got slammed with a BFFN on top of it all.

Bad luck you say?? HA!! Wait, I'm not done! After two days of crying about the BFN, we decide that will roll into another cycle (Cycle # 35 for anyone counting) as I've still been off from work due to my work injury. I called and scheduled my CD3 U/S, hop up on the table only to hear MORE great friggin' news...... I had a HUGE cyst on my Left Ovary, and my RE wouldn't allow me to cycle, put me on BCP's and was told call back when AF starts up next month. And of course, I of little strength at that point, started bawling right in the middle of the RE's office, and practically ran out the door to the car, where I proceeded to call C. and give him the bad news, and then I cried the entire 40 minute drive home!

So how is all that for a big old pile of shit ass rotten luck? I swear C. and I have some of the worst luck around by far, we just can't ever seem to catch a break.

I'm honestly so beat down about it all, I just want to once again run away somewhere I don't know anyone and hide away forever. I have slightly "up" days and some "downright shitty" days and some days where I feel like I'm just wandering.

I've really started to consider the adoption route as I don't know how much more of all this I can take emotionally. I'm about to turn 37 in 6 weeks and feel like time really and truly is running out. I got some information in the mail today from Bethany Adoption Agency, but I'm not sure they would be the way to go for us, and it clearly states in their information that you need to make a statement about your strong Christian Faith in your application. I kinda question my ability to do that, after how my faith has been so tried and beaten down throughout our Infertility Journey. I don't know.... I'd like to think that we have a couple more cycles of trying in us atleast, before money runs out (we are certainly in no postion right now to even consider IVF (financially) nor has either of my RE's mentioned the fact that they feel we are a candidate for IVF-- during my last IUI, Dr. S. said, "In my opinion, I think you guys have just had some really bad luck") .

I don't know-- today is just one of those really crappy days for me where I'd like nothing more than to run away and hide and never look back. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.....

One Down, One To Go

Well, one week down, and one to go in the dreaded 2 WW! Will I test before 14 dpo? I'm betting thats pretty much a given! But not too early, maybe Saturday, 12 dpo, which I'm actually even on the fence about. When I got my BFP, I didn't test positive until 13 dpo and it was so faint, C. told me not to get my hopes up, especially on a PG test that cost $1!! When I had my Chemical Pg back in June after IUI#1, I got a BFP on 13dpo and on 14dpo, and then on 15 dpo, poof, it was gone-- on both $1 cheapies and on a digital.So if I follow history, it would dictate that I should wait until 13 dpo at the earliest to test right? We'll see, but I'm guessing I'll only be able to hold out until 12 dpo...... stay tuned to see what we decide! (Maybe I'll add a poll just for giggles).

I've been having some symptoms, but they could have nothing to do with anything, so I'm not even going to post them as I'm petrified I'll be jinxing myself for sure.

I also in some ways wish that Dr. S. hadn't talked so much about twins when he did my IUI, because since then I haven't been able to get the thought of twins out of my stubborn head! I'll be thrilled and blessed to get PG with one, but of course, as for most of us who have been dealing with IF for any amount of time, generally say that they would LOOOVE to have twins, especially if it means not having to go through anymore IF treatments. Now don't get me wrong, thats not my only reason for wanting twins, but it would solve the future IF battle for sure. C. and I have talked about it, and as much as I have always dreamed of having two children, if we are lucky and blessed enough to have one, I don't know that I could honestly go through all this IF again. Who knows though, I don't know what the future holds and can't say now what I'll feel down the road.

In other news, I am STILL out of work from my work injury. I have been out of work for 9 weeks now and went to see a Neurosurgeon today, who is keeping me out of work for another 4 weeks. Between now and then, I will be doing Cervical Traction which I believe will be just about as exciting as it sounds. It looks as though it will be some sort of weighted contraption that will pull up on my head and neck to hopefully get my two protruding discs in my neck to get back in alignment. Sounds like lots of good times doesn't it!?

I guess thats about all for now. Stay tuned and be sure to vote on my poll when I should test!!!

IUI # 2 Complete..... and Now the 2WW begins!!

Well, IUI# 2 is complete!
It was actually a really good and positive experience. I was up and in the shower at 5:45 am (it takes me forever to shower and get ready even though I'm low maintainance), I woke C. up at 6:30 am so he could ahem *take care of business*. To avoid any extra pressure on C. I actually left the house and drove up a couple blocks to sit so he'd have the house to himself and no distractions while he did his business (yes, I felt a little silly, but better to give him peace and solitude and have fresh swimmers than have to use the frozen sample on reserve). He called me just after 7, ready with Package in hand, I flew back to the house and grabbed it and ran. Last time I transported, we put it in an insulated cooler with a warm towel and it was fine, however it was actually a chilly morning here in Florida (it was in the low 40's this morning) so I decided to do the cup stash in my bra for the 35 minute ride to the RE and let me say, by the time I got to the parking lot of my RE, I was dying to get that hard plastic cup out of my bra-- it was digging into me (and the underwires weren't helping matters!

I dropped the "package" at the desk when I checked in, and sat and waited in the lobby for Go-Time. It was amusing to say the least! One guy totally fell sound asleep while his wife was in the back office. I mean LOUD snoring, groaning etc. Guess it was too early for him (it was a little after 8 am by that time). It was so loud actually that I couldn't hear the big plasma TV hanging on the wall. Then another guy came in and checked in and went to the bathroom in the lobby. I swear he was in there atleast 15 mins. There was all sorts of commotion going on in there, and I swear at one point it sounded like he was plunging the toilet. I can only imagine he took a big pooper something. After he finally surfaced from the bathroom, the guy sitting across from the bathroom jumped up and closed the door. I kept texting dh with all that was happening in the lobby-- I swear I could right a book! I had all I could do to not laugh right out loud at all of it!

So, anyhow, on to the important IUI details!! I knew by my appointment card from last week, that I was going to see Dr.S. today instead of Dr. Z (I think Dr. Z was down in a different office)so I was a bit apprehensive about him doing my IUI since I'd never even met him. I got back to the room and changed and was sitting on the table waiting. I heard noise outside the door, and then I heard this goofy sinister laugh, a knock on the door and in comes Dr. S. with a nurse and a student "observing", who thankfully never moved far enough into the room for a full money shot.

Dr. S. walked in and said "Hello Dear" (mind you he's only in his mid 40's). I said "um....that was an awefully sinister laugh you let out considering what you are coming in here to do!" We both laughed and he said "Well, I'm Dr. S and I'm the guy who's here to get your PG this morning" and followed it up with another sinister laugh. I told him that sounded mighty good to me! Then he jokingly said, "So-- how bout we shoot for Octuplets? Are you up for it??" I told him I'm adventurous but not nearly that adventurous! We talked briefly about what a jerkwad the Octo RE was and how irresponsible he was.

Then Dr. S. looked in my chart again before doing the IUI and said, "well with your follie count ( I had 3-4 very close follies on my right ovary) and Sperm count, how about we get you PG with twins instead?" Of course just the mere thought of that had me estatic, and I beamed "Yes!!! PLEASE!!!! I assumed the position, and thank heavens Dr. S was sooooo gentle, nothing pinched, nothing hurt, he was awesome and kept the talk light to take my mind off what he was doing. When he was just about done, he said, "your husbands sperm count was great-- 40 million post wash!!!" I said, "well thats great right?" and Dr. S. said "uh-- yeah-- thats double what you even need in there-- but since we're trying to make twins, we're gonna use it all."

After he was done, he had me get comfy on the table where he wanted me to lay for like 15 mins post IUI. Before he left the room I asked him about Progesterone supp's during the 2WW (and explained why I thought I might benefit because of the M/C and CP in the past) He told me he didn't really feel I needed supplementation based on my labs, and the fact that I had 3-4 follies and he believed atleast 2-3 of them would release, and then release Progesterone, so he felt no need to put me on Progesterone. He did tell me that if for some reason this cycle doesn't work there may be a few things he'd consider tweaking in my treatment plan, however, he feels that neither C. or I have any major problems, just that we've had a bad run of luck up til now.

Before leaving the room, he said, "Okay- call us in two weeks when you get a Postive Home test, we'll have you come in for some labwork and then two weeks after that we'll have you come in for your first U/S to see your TWINS!!!!"

He must have said "TWINS" like six times in the few minutes he was in the room with me. He was so postive and had such a great bedside manner that I'm actually glad he did my IUI today.

I laid on the table for like 15 mins with my Ipod after they all left the room. It is always such an emotional experience for me and I can't decide if it would be easier or not if C. was able to have been with me for either of them. Once everyone leaves the room, both times we've done IUI, I lay on the table and start crying. This time was a little bit easier than last time, but it was still tough. I think I just want this so badly and am really hoping and praying beyond hope that this will finally be our turn. I beam with joy and happiness at the mere thought of twins, but will be completely thrilled with even just one.

So, thats my IUI adventure. Now the glorious 2WW begins. So stay tuned for my many overanalyzations of every little twinge, tweak and cramp I get.

If you have any spare Baby Dust or a spare prayer or two, I'd certainly appreciate you sending a little my way. I'll take any and all help I can get.

IUI#2 is set for Monday!

Well, it looks like this cycle has shaped up pretty well so far. I went back for another date with the Vag-cam (aka U/S) on Wednesday, and my follies were growing well still. I didn't get much number-wise besides the lead follie was at 13 mm and I had two more on the right Ovary that were right behind the 13 (of course, my lazy Leftie ovary follie pooped out), but I am thrilled to have 3 good growing follies on my Right!!!! Usually I just have one strong follie and the others fall behind, so hopefully we'll get lucky and a couple eggs will release, thus increasing our chances!

Since Monday, I have bumped up my Bravelle dose to 225 iu a night, and that seems to have helped as well. I have one more night to take the Bravelle tonight and will be done with that. This month I am using Novarel instead of Ovidrel, and here's where I get NERVOUS!!! Novarel has to be given IM in my butt...... which means I can't do it myself.......which means C. has to do it for me!! I'm freaking out!!! I can handle doing my own shots, its not a big deal at all to me. But C. is a tad bit skiddish about doing the shot in my butt, and its NOT a small needle by any means, and he had to give me a shot in my butt one other time, and it was not pretty, and I think I have a bit of anxiety about it all these years later. I think it wouldn't bother me as much, if C. didn't make faces when he thinks about having to do the shot. His eyes get real big, and he wipes his brow, and says "whew" and shakes his head. Not relieving my anxiety at all!!!
We'll get through it, just like we always do!

IUI #2 is scheduled for 9 am Monday Morning (I have to be there at 8 am with C's stuff). The only bummer I'm worried a bit about, is that my appt card says Dr. S (Dr.Z's partner), so I'm thinking its not going to be Dr. Z. doing my IUI. I really like Dr. Z and have never met Dr. S. Dr. Z was so gentle the last IUI, I barely knew he was doing anything and he has a great sense of humor and is pretty mellow, and that keeps me calm and comforted. Hopefully Dr. S. will be as gentle and as kind. I can't let this stress me out, it is what it is, and there isn't anything I can do to change it at this point. I'm sure everything will be fine with Dr. S.

Hopefully this will be our cycle and we'll be on our way to parenthood. (it seems I write this, or something similar every cycle), and it generally hasn't worked out the way we wanted, but its a new year and I'm hopeful that this will be it for us!

Stay tuned for my IUI update on Monday and then the crazy 2WW will begin!

CD 8 U/S Follie Check!

So I went down to my RE's office today for my CD8 Follie check. I haven't been in to see them for a few months, and it was nice to go back in and still see familiar faces, especially the U/S tech. I adore her. She is an older woman who calls me sweetie and is always so positive. She is upbeat, and chatty and is always encouraging.

I have 2 lead follies on my Right Ovary, one is at 9 mm and one is at 8.5 mm and one 8.5 mm on my Left as well. Usually by this point I have one lead and they others are usually pretty far behind, so its encouraging that I have 3 that are all pretty close in size. I, however had a sneaking suspicion that maybe my dose of Bravelle shouldbe bumped up a bit ( I have been doing 150 iu for the last 5 nights) as in previous cycles my follies were a bit bigger on CD 8.

Sure enough my nurse called me this afternoon and Dr. Z. wants me to up my dose to 225iu tonight and tomorrow night and then go back for another U/S on Weds which will be CD10. So between now and then I will be keeping my fingers and toes crossed that these follies keep growing. That being said, IUI # 2 looks to most likely be either Friday or Saturday (my guess is Saturday, but perhaps with the dosage boost, maybe a day sooner?)

On a side note, the Bravelle shots are killing me this cycle. My belly is all bruised. I have 4 bruises, two on each side of my belly button, I told C. he could play connect the dots on my tummy. I'm also bruised from my lab draw today, and just as that one starts to heal, I'll acquire yet another one on Weds.

Side effects from Bravelle this month are not too pretty either. In cycles past, it just made me a bit tired and also made me want to cry at everything and anything. This cycle on Bravelle, I'm having alot of Nausea, fatigue, and I'm soooooo GRUMPY!!!! The littlest thing can set me off and God help whoever may be on the receiving end of it! Its not pretty!!! And of course, I'm so miserably grumpy already, I already warned C. that he might want to tip toe around me the next few days since I have to increase my Bravelle dosage!

It will all totally be worth it when we get our BFP in a few weeks, thats for sure!!!

Back in the Game..... Back Cycling!! (and not on a bike!!)

Let The Games Begin!

Well, AF arrived today.....so no surprise BFP on a non tx cycle for me! (not that I was really suprised, but it sure would have been nice right?)

Anyhow, C. and I decided we would be jumping back in the game this month and get this baby making ball rolling again. So I called my RE's office this morning, full expecting to have to go see Dr. Z. in the next day or so because its been a few months since I've seen him. The receptionist took the message, and gave it his nurse to go over with him (Dr. Z) and within 30 mins the nurse called me back and told me that Dr. Z was okay with me starting back up with injectibles and didn't need to see me beforehand!!! (One of the things I really like about Dr. Z is that he knows I'm OOP, and doesn't push extra appointments on me, which I am super thankful for.)

So, Weds night (cd3) I will start my injections. I will again be doing 150 iu Bravelle and then go for an U/S to check my follie development on CD 8 on the 23rd. It feels so good to officially be back in the game and cycling again. It gives me renewed hope and makes me feel like we are back on the right track. This will be IUI # 2 we'll be doing, and I am hoping and praying with everything in me that this will be the cycle. We would be thrilled to have a little Turkey Baby.


I've been reading a book called "The Tao of Fertility" and there is a section on some supp's to take, and I've recently started taking them, including Vit. D, L-Arginine, L-Lysine, and of course my Prenatal and folic acid. I've tried taking Fish Oil Capsules twice now, and let me just say that I HATE fish or anything seafood etc. so I believe I have a psychological block and physically cannot get those pills down! First of all, they are huge and secondly, they are like a gel capsule, and they keep getting stuck on my tongue and won't go down, and then I start to panic and end up spitting the capsule back out into the sink. So, I may not be benefiting from the Fish Oil Caps but my garbage disposal sure is!

There is also a section on how to do these 10 meditative moves/positions in sucession, and I can't help but giggle at the thought of doing some of these, but I am going to give them an honest try. One of them has to do with opening a chakra that makes your uterus a healthy environment for a baby....... and of course the illustrated pictures show a nak.ed woman in a rather precarious position laying down to ahem......"open the chakra". I think I'll have to do them while C. is at work, because I can only imagine me doing them and him walking in the room....... He'd laugh his ass off, I'm sure. We'll see...... I'll update after I've tried them!


So, that's where we're at, so it looks like my blog will probably turn back towards my latest IUI journey, instead of all the other stuff I have jammed in here to pass the time during our breaks.

Hopefully luck is on our side and this will all work out the way it should!

My Life List

I was cleaning up my My.space blog as I really stopped using it, once I started blogging over here. Actually the last posts over there were:
"We're Having a Baby!!" followed by "So, We're Not Having A Baby"
For quite some time I was afraid to erase them as for some reason, (yet again) in my mind I think that by erasing a post, or a stat or a blog etc, that it will somehow erase another little piece of the little I have to hold on to from when I was PG. (if you read my blog, you'll notice this has come up many times before-- its such an odd fear I have it seems to me).

Anyhow, I cleaned up the blogs over there (aka got rid of them) as it seemed kinda sad that those blogs were one of the first things you'd see when you looked at my My.space page. As I went through the rest of them, I came across "My Life List" post.

I created my "My Life List" after two things that inspired me to do so.
The first was about a women on O.prah, I believe, who had died in the
9-11 tragedy, but before doing so had created a "Life List" for herself. Simply put, a list of things you would like to accomplish during your time here on earth.

The second reason I was inspired to do so, was learning that the brother of my best friend, of well, forever it seems, killed his wife and then hung himself leaving three children behind (all in my little hometown where nothing like that EVER happens). It again, reminded me of how fragile life can be and that we need to live each day to the fullest as we don't know what tomorrow will bring (or if we'll see tomorrow for that matter).

So, I created my very own "Life List" back on September 16, 2006. It was pretty neat to revisit that blog, and update it with things that I have actually accomplished since writing that. (of course, I was struggling with Infertility back then too, so in some ways it made me a little sad too, to see that I'm still stuck in the same miserable place in regards to some things on my list as well.)

I thought it might be neat to share that over here, and have it here to refer back to instead of over there where I don't blog anymore.

So Here it goes (it is long, what can I say, I have alot I want to accomplish!!). I will close in saying that if you have some time, and haven't ever thought of creating your own life list, I strongly encourage you to do so. Its nice to look back, especially on days when you feel like you are "stuck" to revisit it and see what you have accomplished since writing it. Even if you don't make it a public list for others to see, do one for yourself where you keep your private thoughts! What are you waiting for??

Here's "My Life List":
My Life List
1. I will carry this list with me…….regardless of where life takes me.
2. To have a baby, or two or three (but will feel eternally blessed with even one) Jan 2009--STILL working on this one!!
3. To be the best wife, friend and companion to my husband Craig **doing this every day!!
4. Visit Italy
5. To be more patient with others-- EVERY DAY, not just occasionally
6. Be committed to leading a healthier lifestyle
7. Learn how to play Acoustic Guitar **Jan 2009--- I bought my first Acoustic and I'm learning how to play!! **
8. Re-establish friendships with friends I haven't been in touch with **Jan 2009-- keeping up with this one thanks to Myspace and Facebook!
9. I will be sure my family knows how much they mean to me
10. Hug and kiss my dogs and cat at least 10 times a day
11. Hug and kiss my Husband at least double that!!!
12. Go back to school
13. Own my own business *Jan 2009-- I finally lauched my jewelry website (http://zencreations.synthasite.com so I'm checking this one off!!
14. Buy a house **Done May 2007!!!**
15. Own a classic mustang convertible
16. Organize all my wedding photo's from table cameras (yes I know I'll be married two years Dec 2006) **Well, they are all labeled in a basket--does that count? **
17. Support Craig in his music ** Feb 2009, hopefully that Yamaha Digital Drumset will be shipped to him soon!!!**
18. Learn to speak Italian fluently
19. Invent something really cool and reap the profits from it I don't think my jewelry line completes this one....or does it? I'm reaping profits...hmmmmm....... (Jan 2009)
20. Be financially comfortable (aka not worry about paying bills)
21. See the Grand Canyon
22. Be on Wheel of Fortune
23. Meet John Mayer and sing a song on stage with him
24. Own a Restaurant with my Husband (he'll manage the back of the house, me the front of the house)
25. Write a book
26. Write a song
27. Learn how to play accustic guitar (**Oops I have this twice-- I must really want to learn!!) LOL **See # 7 above for update!**
28. Always be young at heart no matter how old I am
29. Know that its okay to act a little crazy--it more fun that way!
30. Age is just a number- I won't let it define me!
31. If I'm not PG within the next few months, will start thinking about and looking into adoption. ** Jan 2009-- Well, I'm still not, but we're still trying really hard and will still consider this option should we need to **
32. Visit Hawaii
33. Skydive
34. Make a written list of all our CD's (all 900 of them) just because………..
35. Be better about putting away the laundry
36. Get a 3 stone diamond ring from my husband **Feb 2007 I got a gorgeous 3 stone Diamond Journey Necklace from C. so we're on the right path !! LOL**
37. Own a bed and breakfast up in Vermont
38. If we ever get to retire, live the snowbird life-- summers up North and winters in the south or out west.
39. Never be afraid to try something new.
40. Try to like and eat more veggies (man this is a tough one!!)
41. Appreciate Nature. Take a couple of minutes each day to recognize and appreciate the beauty of things around me. **I do this everyday when I walk outside-- no matter where I am....Florida, NY, VT etc!
42. Travel the US in an RV sea to shining sea…………….and everywhere in between
43. I will always think about my Dad--- atleast twice a day and remember the love and happy memories
44. Get my cardinal/floral tattoo to honor my dad
45. Take 10 minutes EACH DAY and just BREATHE!!!!!!!! Think about the good things in my life and how very fortunate I am to have all the people I do in my life.
46. Be open to different "lifestyles" NOT for me, but for others --maybe tolerant is a better word--- if your lucky enough to find love in another human being, you are truly blessed.
47. Be more compassionate with my husband when he is sick-- (I'm not very good at this one since I work with sick people all day long and listen to their illness problems) **Jan 2009-- yeah--still working on this one too LOL but I think I'm doing a little better?!**
48. Continue to go above and beyond each day at work. My current boss is appreciative and rewarding-- (** I want that value award again this Dec 2006) **I shall not comment on this one-- work isn't the same as it used to be!**
49. Bowl a 220 game-- (when I do this, I will up the score to aim higher!!!) Did It!! I bowled a 234 scratch(with my handicap it was a 270 something). So I will set the new goal at 255 as of Jan 2009!
50. When/if blessed with a child, aim to be half the mother my Mom has been to me, and that child will be the most loved, luckiest child in the world, as I have been thanks to her unselfish love and sacrifice.
51. Learn to do the cha cha, a salsa, swing dance and a waltz with my husband (dance isn't an issue for me-- I've been dancing since I was 3 yrs old!)
52. Try skiing again………. (1st time around wasn't too pretty!)
53. Swear LESS (this will be a forever goal--- however I don't know how attainable-- I've always had a potty mouth) LOL at this one.... I don't know that it will ever change despite how hard I try!!
54. Judge people less…….it takes all kinds to make the world go round.
55. Be a singer (lead or backup) in a band--with my husband playing drums of course!!!
56. Go to a big hippie music festival to get a feel of the life Craig used to lead when following the Dead around. Maybe Bonnaroo in TN next June…… **We're toying with the idea of Bonnaroo 2009....... Phish-- 2 shows..... I'm holding out for Dave Matthews, John Mayer and Jack Johnson to sign on before I get tix!
57. Envy others LESS-- instead use that envy as motivation to improve yourself
58. Be understanding that God has a plan for me……. I may not understand what it is, but I trust that everything that happens in my life happens for a reason……..
59. When Craig and I have a disagreement, will try to "push buttons" less-- IT ALWAYS MAKES THINGS WORSE…………………..ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!
60. Continue to be goofy and make people laugh-- when they laugh they feel good and that makes me feel good………
61. Tell DH I love him every single night before closing my eyes (I ALREADY DO THIS ONE, AND HAVE FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS-- BUT IT'S A GOOD ENOUGH GOAL TO WRITE/KEEP FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED!!) **Jan 2009-- 9 1/2 years and still going strong with this one-- every single night!!
62. Be content with what I HAVE in life. Its probably a whole lot more that a lot of others have.

This is Strange.....

So I had a Dr's appointment for my neck today (from my work injury) and when the Med. Asst was doing my vitals I noticed two very odd things. 1. Of course they weigh you, why I have no idea when I'm there for a neck injury, but whatever. I was just at this same Dr's office a little over two weeks ago, but today my weight was up like 8 pounds!! WHAT???? Now if AF was about to arrive, I'd be up like 3 pounds at most--thats the norm for me...... so I was luck "Huh--thats weird". 2. When they took my temp it was 99.1 degrees. You'd think not really a big deal, a tiny bit over normal, but the MA brought it to my attention. I said "huh--thats kinda weird as my temp usually runs low-- like in the 97's". (Temping when TTC early on was never useful d/t #1 my low temps and #2 having PCOS. ) I'm not sick so that can't be the higher temp cause...... I also keep having some bouts of nausea, so I'm at a loss..... maybe its all in my head!?

See......... see how my body messes with me? As I said in my previous post, this was a totally unmedicated cycle, so the chances of us getting PG on our own are really so slim. But my body has to keep messing with me and giving me mixed signals about what may lie ahead.

I need one of those remote controls like Adam Sandler had in that movie Click, so I could just fast forward to Saturday and test. (okay-- I fib-- I will probably test on Friday, if I can hold out that long).

Maybe I can take a really looooooooong nap til Friday morning!!

For those reading who are also in the dreaded, horrid 2 WW, best wishes to each of you. It's time we all graduate!!

9 DPO....... Who knows!?

So I'm 9 dpo today and have no reason to have hope this cycle (#33 by the way) as it has been an unmedicated TI cycle. I don't know why I'd think that after all this time, we'd get lucky enough to have divine intervention from the fertility gods and actually get PG this cycle. But, for some odd reason, I still have hope!??! In some ways it just doesn't make sense to me where I somehow keep managing to pull this hope from, however, I'm so thankful that I do still have that hope. I think back to months' past when I felt like I had absolutely no hope whatsoever, and how bad that felt. It feels good to have hope again (even if I'm 96% sure that this cycle will be a bust).

Maybe I have hope and excitement as we will head back into injectibles this coming cycle (#34) and will be doing IUI# 2. It feels good to be back on track, and "back in the game". I pray that our time will be coming soon.

I have had some odd symptoms this cycle-- on 8 dpo I woke up with really bad nausea , almost to the point that I felt like I was really going to throw up (ya know-- the hot spits in your mouth-- the whole nine yards). I was nauseous on and off all morning long. I also had some really weird cramping and pinching on and off throughout the day in my lower abdomen. Starting on 5 dpo, my right ( . ) was burning (quite like back when I was PG in the past). I've had cramping again today on 9 dpo, but a bit less than yesterday. So we shall see-- I think I will probably test on Thursday or maybe Friday.......

Usually AF shows her ugly ass as soon as I POAS.... it goes something like this:
I pee in a cup, dip the strip, set it on the counter, get crazy nervous, can't bring myself to look at the strip, then I take a peek at the strip, a glance so quick, I can barely see the strip, I wipe ........AND BAM the nasty bitch AF shows herself. Someone should do a study on the corellation between POAS and AF spontaneously starting.

So, thats where I am....... we shall see what later in the week shall bring!
(please O please Fertility Gods-- please let this be "THE" cycle-- there is nothing more that I'd love than to get PG on our own and save us $1K in OOP costs next month on an IUI!!)

"Comes a Time"

C. and I went to a Dark Star Orchestra concert last week. (they are a Grateful Dead tribute band (the best there is out there) and they play all Dead music, and pick a set list from a played Dead show and play that entire set at their concerts.)
One of the songs they played was not one I was familiar with, but was very touched by it none the less. The song was called "Comes A Time.

Now, I'm pretty sure Jerry Garcia (or whoever actually wrote the song) didn't have IF issues, and I know thats not what the song is about. But as with many songs out there, people can often find a different meaning to a song, or they find a way to relate words of the song to what they may be going through. That is how I felt about this song. I quickly connected with it. After listening to it again, and reading the lyrics several times, I feel it definately is relatable to my IF journey. Check out the lyrics:

Comes a Time by the Grateful Dead

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says "Don't you see?

Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.

"Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,only love can fill.

Been walking all morning went walking all night

I can't see much difference between the dark and light

And I feel the wind And I taste the rain

Never in my mind to cause so much pain.

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says

"Don't you see?Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."

Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,only love can fill.

From day to day just letting it ride.

You get so far away from how it feels inside.

You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,

But the day may come when you can't feel at all.

The words come out like an angry stream.

You hear yourself say things you could never mean.

When you cool down you find your mind.

You got a lot of words you've got to stand behind.

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says

"Don't you see?Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."

Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,only love can fill,

only love can fill, only love can fill.

"Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe"

If that doesn't fit how you feel when faced with IF, I don't know what does.

So I'm not a Rockstar YET......

So my new guitar arrived mid week last week, and I'm so not a rock star like I thought I would be!! It is so hard learning to play the guitar, way harder than I ever thought it would be!!

Now let me start by saying that I've always been very musically inclined. Growing up I played the clarinet (I know---dorky! but I was like 9 years old) then I switched to Flute and played it from like 5th grade through 11th grade, and played the piccalo as well. I also learned how to play the saxaphone as well somewhere in the middle of all that. Plus my brother is a drummer, and I jumped behind his set whenever I got the chance growing up. So, based on all my music experience in the past, I feel I've got "music in my veins". Every instrument I've played, I've been able to pick it up, listen to songs and play them with ease by ear, without sheet music etc.

Well, this whole guitar thing is a whole other ball of wax entirely!! I feel so awkward and clumsy. I feel like my hands aren't big enough and that for the life of me I'll never be able to go from one cord to another without turning the guitar towards me to see the strings and frets!! I thought I'd pick it up, play a Dave Matthews song, and be able to start strumming along..... HAH!!!!! I can feel it deep down in me that I want to be able to strum right along, and that ain't happenin'. I hear a note in a song, I can duplicate in on the guitar and then when its time to find the next note, its like I'm lost in a forest and can't figure out what direction to go in!!

I know its only been a week,(and two days of that were mass panic because the guitar fell out of tune and I was crazed trying to tune it (I did get an electric tuner) and was having a hard time.

I am happy to report in now though that I have the A cord, the E cord and the G cord down, just don't ask me to go from one to the other smoothly, cause it ain't happening!! LOL. I even bought Guitars for Dummies and I still feel lost.

I'll get the hang of it, I know I will, its just taking ALOT more effort than I thought it would. Damn those talented rock stars for making it look so damn easy on tv and at live concerts!!

In IF news, I am in my 2WW, but because I know my body sucks ass, and toys with me and my emotions and never ever works like it is supposed to, I am in this 2WW with no hopes or anticipation(although I will say I am popping my Bromelain pills for the next 4 days juuuuust in case!! I'm actually really looking forward to AF coming as we'll be jumping back in with a medicated cycle (bravelle and ovidrel) and IUI when she gets here. (this will be IUI#2) so once that ball is rolling, I'm sure I'll be back to my neurotic cycling self!

So thats about all thats happening with me.
Back to the Rockstar dream...............................

And The Winner Is.....

Sorry for the delay, I've been a bit of a slacker this week. (actually thats not entirely true, I've had several doctors appointments and alot of jewelry orders to complete and ship out as well).

But, without further delay, I need to announce the winner of the "Hope" bracelet.

Now, let me say that I have had a very difficult time choosing someone to get this bracelet. Every single story that was left touched me deeply, as I know the pain of IF and struggle all too well. I wish I could make enough of them to give one away to each wonderful woman who responded.

So, the winner is Lisa (aka lnle from the TTTC board on the Nest.) I don't have a blog link to hers, and she actually replied to the give away via email, and I don't feel comfortable displaying her note to me without her being okay with it, but I will say Lisa has faced a tough IF journey thus far, and I can only wish that with some new "Hope" dangling from her wrist, it will make her journey just little bit easier for her. Lisa, I will be contacting you to get info from you so the bracelet will be customized to fit you.

Congrats Lisa!!

For anyone else who may still be interested in a "Hope" bracelet, anyone who orders one will be given a discount, please contact me @ zen_creations@hotmail.com prior to ordering from my website, so I can adjust the amount for you prior to order)

Thank you to each of you for sharing your story with me as well as others who read my blog. I wish each and every one of you all the best with your journey, may it end soon and may each of you one day be called mommy very soon.

hugs to all

Giddy with Excitement!!

No.....I'm not PG!!! I wish I had that wonderful joyous news to spread to all. (although I believe with all my heart that that good news will be coming in the near future. I have to believe that!!!!)

I made a very exciting purchase tonight. I have wanted to learn how to play accoustic guitar for what seems like FOREVER!!!! For the past probably 8 of the 9 1/2 years C. and I have been together, every time a gift giving holiday was coming around (Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries etc) C would always ask me what I wanted.....my reply..... AN ACCOUSTIC GUITAR of course!!!

Well, needless to say I never got one! In C's defense, he is a musician, and his inclination was always to not buy me a cheap guitar that would fall out of tune all the time or that would sound like crap, just to appease me so I'd have my guitar. Other times we'd set gift giving $ limits on our purchases to avoid overspending, so those times were out too.

A few weeks ago, C. and I stopped at a big music store about 30 mins from where we live, where we both walked around drooling (me over all the pretty accoustic guitars and C. over the electronic drum set he's dying to buy). We both walked out empty handed that night knowing we really should save our money for our next IUI cycle.

Fast forward to tonight. I was shopping online and I came across a really great deal on an Ibanez Accoustic Guitar........AND I BOUGHT IT!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm bursting at the seams and can hardly wait for it to arrive (which will hopefully be in a few days, as I believe it will ship from right here in Florida)

Of course, now I'm having the internal battle with myself, and I feel like I should have saved the money and put it towards our next IUI cycle (which will be the end of February), but we do have the money tucked away for our next IUI and I have all the meds I need for the cycle already. Plus we'll be getting our Income tax checks back in the not too distant future, and I always get a really decent return (I have extra money taken out of each paycheck and end up with a bigger return--its like an extra little savings account that I don't even think about). Plus, I should be getting a bonus check in March as well, so I'm not going to keep beating myself up over my purchase.

With all the crappy things I've dealt with over the last 33 cycles of Infertility, I deserve this little bit of joy that this guitar is going to bring me!!!

Stay tuned for the adventures that are sure to come on my way to becoming a Rock Star!!!!!!

Don't forget to check out the post below this one for information on my "Giving Back" project with the free "HOPE" bracelet. I'll be taking entries until Tuesday Jan. 27th, so be sure to read on about it!!

Giving Back.......

So I've been toying with this idea for about a week now, and I have decided to do it!

Over the last 8 months or so, there have been many people who have been generous enough to share donated meds with me to help me out on our journey and I am so beyond grateful that there have been so many people who have been so gracious to think of others both during their own personal journeys as well as after finding success. So due to their kindness towards me, I feel I needed to find a way to "Pay It Forward".

so in order to do that, I've decided to give something to someone who could use a little hope during their struggles Whether it be someone who needs a little hope and support while they are TTC, struggling with Loss, or an illness.....it's really open to anyone who needs a little hope in there life right now and needs to know they are not alone.

So here is what I am going to do!

I make custom made jewelry as a side business (the link is http://zencreations.synthasite.com/ if your interested in taking a peek)(all the money I make from my wares goes towards our IF treatments (we are out of Pocket for treatments) in trying to achieve our goal of having a family).

I am going to give away a piece of jewelry!!! A handmade, custom-sized Bracelet!! The Bracelet you see at the top of this post ! (it is made with Rose Quartz and Moonstone chips and has a little "hope" charm that dangles from it and it has a toggle clasp)

Here are the rules to be in the running for the giveaway!

1. Leave me a comment after this post. In your comment, tell me of your journey and why having a "Hope" bracelet would help me with your journey. (You can get as involved or non-involved as you want with your details, how much you share is up to you).

2. Be sure I have a way to contact you, incase you are the winner (either with a link in your blog that will take me to your email, or post your email where I can reach you!)

3. I will take entries until Tuesday January 27th and will then go through them all and will pick a winner of the "Hope" bracelet. The winner will be contacted via email, and we will discuss wrist size, etc so that the bracelet is custom made to fit YOU!

Once the entries are complete I will announce the winner here in my blog, so be sure to check back for updates!

Jenn

Today Kicks off ICLW Week!

If you are here from ICLW, Welcome! (and even if you aren't, Welcome to you too!)

I have joined in this a few times in the past, but somehow I always seemed to have a hard time commenting back to poeple on their blogs. I don't know why. I think maybe its because I feel like I don't know the persons' blog I am reading, and I don't want to say the wrong thing, or say something one would think is too personal or pressing.

So this time, I'm going into it with a different outlook and I've already completed six comments for today on various blogs. Two of those blogs made me cry. I always think to myself that I have it really tough, and that I just can't seem to get many breaks in this life. Then I read the journeys and struggles of others, and am reminded that there are others suffering just as much, if not more than I may be.

I am deeply touched by others' journeys, and I wish none of us had to go through pain or suffering or struggle. My parents always taught me that anything worth having is worth working and fighting for. Each day that goes by, and I get a wee bit older, I really appreciate that more and more. Nothing has ever been handed to me, I've always had to work really hard for the things I have achieved in my life. I am proud of that hard work, and am glad that I have "earned" the things I do have in my life.

I have a very loving, caring family. I have an awesome husband who truly loves me more than anything. I have three fabulous fur babies, who bring me such happiness, that I can't imagine not having them in my life. We have a home and cars and food on our table for us and for my furbabies. We both have secure jobs. I guess the only thing missing, of course is a child. We continue to struggle towards that, but I do believe our time is coming for that. I know in my heart that God does not intend for us to be childless. One way or another, we will be parents.

We swore in a new President yesterday and how exciting is that? I had tears in my eyes seeing so many Americans waving their flags, full of hope and belief in Obama and in our country. It feels good to see our country with some renewed faith that things are going to get better. It has renewed my faith as well.

So, here is looking up. Lets all hope and pray that 2009 is a much better year for all of us!!

My Heart Still Aches!

So, over on the TTTC board, I kept trying to fix my siggy as part of the code for my M/C siggy kept showing, no matter how I tried to fix it (and of course for some reason, I kept getting more and more nervous that I was somehow going to completly erase the Loss counter, and I guess in my mind I thought that would mean I'd forget how long it'd been since we lost our little one--- I know, I know, we won't ever forget, but as a person dealing with IF and M/C for a long time now, you panic and get crazy about the silliest little things).
So, I created a new counter, loaded the new code into my siggy, and checked a previous post to see if it all worked correctly, and as soon as I saw it, I started bawling!!!!!!!!
My old counter had an angel and a little teddy bear I think, (this proves my neurosis-- I just got rid of the old one and I can't even remember what the graphics were on it, however I was petrified of loosing it). The new one, as you can see above, has an actual little baby on it as the counter marker..... I guess looking at a little bity wee one instead of just a countdown of days was a big smack of reality.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the little one we lost. To this day, for some reason I am still convinced it was a little boy, our little Aiden Richard (Richard after my dad who passed away). My heart aches daily for our little one. If we hadn't suffered a m/c, our little one would be six months old right now!!!
Instead, here I sit, with empty arms, an aching heart and tears rolling down my face in the middle of the afternoon.

I just don't know. I have other things on my mind I want to write about, but I guess I'll save them for another day or another blog and let my angel have this post all to himself.

I love you little one, your footprints are on my heart forever and always.

Common Thread.....

So I've been a busy bee and I've finally launched my handmade jewelry website!!!! For anyone interested, its:

http://zencreations.synthasite.com/

Anyhow-- one of my pieces that I've just created is called the Common Thread IF bracelet.

Here is a little explanation how the Common Thread bracelet got started, borrowed from Stir-Up Queens Blog (here is a link to that blog-- I'm aweful with making clickable links, so forgive me if it doesn't work: http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html

For anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, struggled with pregnancy, and all things infertile...there is a movement upon us that you might want to join. It's rather simple actually: a discreet ribbon on your right wrist to signal to others that they are not alone in their struggles.Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.In addition, the seeds represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, third-party reproduction, or even choosing to live child-free.

The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I designed this particular "Common Thread" bracelet as a way to pass that "signal" along to others. I feel that this bracelet symbolizes that common thread perfectly while being adorned with two Rose Quartz stones and a Jade Stone centered perfectly on the bracelet.

Rose quartz is a soothing, calming crystal that is known to promote love and healing. It helps to bring clarity to the heart.
Jade encourages practicality, wisdom, mental peace and tolerance of others. They also believe it can rejuvenate during periods of stress, reduce fears, banish negative thoughts and increase a person’s capacity for giving and receiving love. Jade makes a good worry stone and is often used in rosaries.

If you are interested in one, please visit my new website where you can easily order one!!

I'm honestly not looking to make a ton of money off of these Common Thread Bracelets, I actually decided to try to sell them in an effort to help others (and so often I see others looking for them but arent crafty or would rather have the convenience of just buying one already made).

So there is my self promoting post for the day!!! LOL